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Why men are like birds (and bees, and dogs…)

Chasing Even though we still have six feet of snow on the ground outside my window, the calendar says it’s officially spring. Apparently, the birds agree that spring has arrived. With the longer days, the birds have migrated back with their thoughts on what their little bird brains think about in spring time. Doves

Yup, early spring means mating for much of the animal kingdom. 

The songbirds, including the robins and morning doves are back, although with nothing to eat as everything is still very icy. I’m such a sap, that I’ve been crumpling up crackers and putting them out on the balcony for them to eat. I’ve got a pair of doves (a bird my sweetie says are pigeons with a good pr rep), that come and visit, and I am fascinated by the behavior. The male is driving the much smaller female absolutely nuts. He follows her constantly, not eating just following her from branch to branch wearing her down. As I was told, he doesn’t know why he does this, just that he has to. The urger to reproduce, stronger than that of the one to eat.

People seem to behave in similar ways. They try and stop the behavior, but it overwhelms them. I have been treating a patient who is feeling is in love with a co-worker, and can’t seem to get her out of his mind. He has that overwhelming urge to be near her, and is emitting the odor of desperation. And desperation can be an unpleasant odor for anybody. My understanding on this is "that you can’t think about sex clearly, if all you think about is sex."  I made the suggestion that he should try and get a therapeutic (or happy ending) massage, increase the amount of exercise he was getting, and start running dating ads to field more calls from other women. He needs some physical touch and exercise to increase the endorphins, and help calm the urge to mate. Being in demand makes you more attractive, and know that you can manage your need to follow someone around from branch to branch, but you can’t understand it, and can’t seem to turn it off. So forgive yourself. And be kind to the birds in your neighborhood.

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Another conversation about blowjobs

I sometimes wonder if anyone else has these surreal conversations. I assume they do, as I think of myself as an ordinary girl with a cool job, and a mind that’s just open to possibilities. It just opens to sex more often than not.

Here’s the scenario:

I’m standing around watching a kids football game today, having a Cleaver moment as we cheered, ate apples, and watched the smalled kids jump in the leaves. And encouraged the kids to tackle their opponents.

A conversation was struck with a much younger Mother about football bleachers and what you could do under them. I didn’t know her well, but she had grown up listening to me on radio, and felt safe telling me about her experiences playing deep throat left of the 50 yard line as a teenager.  It was a light, but very open conversation on the sidelines.  Truth about how much women really do talk about sex. Anywhere and everywhere, at least to me. She spoke of something called her "Mad slut personality", and how sucking cock made her feel important when she was in High School. She said she missed the power.  Talk about really bringing someone to his knees.

So I went home thinking about the benefits of giving oral sex.  For teenagers, it’s not a bad deal. Anybody having who’ll have sex with a teenaged boy is a gift from God.  Benefits of giving head could be summed up as;  little face to face contact, no pain or intrusion of intercourse, no possibilities of pregnancy (despite the rumours), little chance of diseases, and the status of a hot babe if you are so generous in your favours. Not that I’m suggesting you run out and try this behind the bleechers, (unless you want to re-live your mis-spent youth, and have a good chance of not being caught),  but like a stand up comic I heard recently said if you occasionally partake.  "You are part of the solution, you’ve made the world a better place, and no one ever complained about being stressed out because they were getting too many blowjobs." 

oh, and the joke I heard about it. "Don’t blink, I heard it stings."  Think about it.Football

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The allure of unshaven, and clean smelling men

It’s not much of a secret that I like facial hair. Particularly that three day old unshaven look. I filmed a national news story yesterday (on why older women need to try alternative ways to meet men, and should be dating younger men) and the young, camera guy came to my door unshaven, wearing sunglasses, with rumpled hair, and smelling faintly of soap.  I would forgive him many transgressions. Before I let him in the door I had him hold still so I could feel his jawline. I told you the interview was on cougars didn’t I? grin

Smell It’s not young, but grizzled and smelling clean will get me every time. I met a 75 year old in a full beard, smelling great that turned my head recently. Subtle cologne, coupled with that 5 o’clock shadow is far more intriguing than the Pierce Brosnon type smooth.  To me anyway. We have this cool olfactory nerve, and this little poorly known organ called the vameronsal organ that detects phermones, or the chemical scent that someone attractive puts off to us. Facial hair, like armpit, and pubic hair is designed to trap and market those phermones to the opposite sex. But there is somethng about the look and smell of masculinity causes us heterosexual girls to sit up and take notice.  Clean sweat puts off buckets of these phermones and if there is a chemical connection, has your body already planning strategies on getting you naked and horizontal in a serious burst of sexual desire.

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How men can get laid. Subtitled: Understand women's sexuality and you will score.

Men are motivated by sex. Really. I have said before I think women have no idea just how horny men can be.
The new study suggests that men think about sex 28 times per day. And much of that is spent trying to figure out how to get their partners interested in some shagging. I know this because as a Sex Therapist I spend my days talking to men about sex, open relationships, paying for sex and other variations in getting it more often and varied.
Men are asking me how to increase their wives libido, how to find a mistress, advertise for the love of your life, and generally work through the hooking up relationship stuff to get laid more. A far cry from the urology of erectile dysfunction that I expected to be doing as a young Therapist, but that seems to be what men anyway are asking about. The idea of sexual newness and how to get variety without being a dick to their primary partner comes up.
What always strikes me is how lame guys are at keeping things going. Every customer service book out says that it is far easier and cheaper to retain an existing customer than get a new one. Ergo, it is far easier to get more sex from the woman you have, than continually find new ones.  That doesn’t tell the whole story because men like a plenary of new women, but that’s a blog for another day. Take the first time for instance. You’ve been buying coffee, dinners, and have generally been on your best behaviour, and finally get the woman in question between the sheets. Absolutely bare minimum etiquette is an email within 36 hours of the encounter (sooner is better) telling her what a goddess she is and that you can’t wait to see her again.
So how do you get laid more often?
Understand how women think and the way we feel sexual.  It is different than male sexuality. You know this but keep doing the same things that you like to do and expect a different result.
What dumb guys do is send dick pics, don’t brush their teeth or have a shower, ask crudely, use jokes, grab our boobs, poke us in the back with an erection or behave dismissively before hand.
Smart guys do the dishes without asking, offer to give us a massage or foot rub, put a lock on the bedroom door, hold our hands and tell us how beautiful we are, understand our love language (touch, time, gifts, acts of service, language), make the bed so it’s enticing to fall into it and bring home dinner.
It’s also about communicating your needs and expectations. Blaik (my husband) runs an amazing men’s group in Ottawa that tries to interpret what women want. He says if you can get women to slow down, feel safe, look into their eyes and touch their arm (especially if there is wine and chocolate involved) then most women can be enticed to get naked.
What women want more than anything is attention. Give it to us and we are yours.

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How to duct take your willy

Duct_tape_2 Duct_tape So another story this week from a new premature ejaculator.  I was asking if he was circumcised, and he mentioned that he was, along with baby smooth all over. I asked in passing is he waxed or lasered (all the rage for cleaning up the shaft), and he said, "no, I duct tape myself."  oh?!, tell me more….

Apparently, he felt he couldn’t get someone else to clean up all that hair, so decided to take it on himself.  He uses duct tape (one of it’s million uses, not outlined on the Red Green show), to pull the hair out of the shaft a la waxing.  He said you get used to the pain, and now he only has to do it once a month, but is incredibly smooth.  He offered to show it to me, and I must admit to being tempted.  in the name of scientific, sexuality education of course. So, if you try this at home folks, please let me know.

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Men as dogs…is it true?

So by now you may have discovered my secret obsession for schmaltzy chick lit. Chocolate and very light reading (I haven’t sunk as low as the bodice rippers, but they too have their appeal). Anyway, I’m in the book store yesterday and start flipping through a few books with a similar theme.  “So, he’s not that into you, Humble Howard’s book about men are snakes, and  Clare Naylor’s book Dog Training, “A good man is hard to train” cheeky, funny novel kept popping up between books on happily ever after, and getting the love you deserve. The idea that men are pigs, dogs, snakes (you name the species) when it comes to treating women well in relation to casual sex seems to come up over and over. Guy can do some bovine behaviour, and often can seemingly have a one track mind.  But can they be trained out of it?
I don’t know if I buy that. I think men are opportunistic, but then so are many women. You want to understand men, know that they are indeed ruled by their glands and have never, ever, been too busy to call a woman they were interested in.  The men I talk to describe their daily desires as accomplishing the big deal, (either in business or on the golf course), throwing down their woman and screwing her, eating, throwing down their woman and screwing her, fantasizing about having sex with other women, multiple women, sleeping, then repeat. I think men have hopes, dreams desires and aren’t that shallow, but they spend their days with the horniness buzzing around their heads to the point of distraction. Face it, men, like women are altogether entirely human.
I’m exploring the concept of training them (a la puppy 101) and I’ll keep you posted after I get through the stack of boy training books I bought yesterday. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe it does work…. 0345453387_01__bo2204203200_pisitbdp500a
 
 
 
 

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It's amazing how men keep from pulling out thier penis's in polite company

Impotence I’m often astounded how guys hold it together.  How they don’t spontaneously combust – blow up from a serious lack of sex. The longer I’m a sex therapist, the more I believe that the average guy wants, and needs about 10 times the sex he’s usually getting. Most healthy men, in  a perfect world, would have sex a couple of times a day. These aren’t perverts, these are your husbands, brothers and fathers. Normal guys who think about sex all the time, and have to keep it under control.  It’s a wonder we don’t have any more date rapes, or men pulling it out at inappropriate times. How do they get any work done?  Hell, I know how distracted I am the few times a month when my hormones spike, but to feel that hourly, it must be a form of sweet torture.  I think we should have a national "change your man’s oil day".  Where we get the day off to boff like rabbits. I think it would increase our national productivity rate over the long haul

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Those boys have got to have it

The continum of sexual desire.  It ranges from men who aren’t that interested in sex (few, far between, and usually are on anti-depressants, thyroid medication, or have another health issue) to the sexually addicted.

I’m meeting men every week who have to use the bathroom at work to masturbate. Guys, who if they could would have sex five times a day.  I have patients who can’t get out of bed in the morning without ejaculating, and another who jerks off over 7 or 8 times a day. And that was just a sample of last week’s sessions. All the guys who are talking to me, ( and a surprising number who have been sexually exposed or abused as kids) seem to tie sex into their basis self esteem. Men  think about sex the way that I think about chocolate.  It always seems to be calling them. What’s surprising to me, is how well most men handle it. Why we don’t have more date rapes, or more guys being sexually assertive given just how horny they are surprises me.  I guess that’s why the escorts I’m hearing about are doing so well. Most men, can’t seem to turn it off, and are finding some outlet.

So if you are a HAVE TO HAVE IT guy, then you are not alone.  And if you think your guy is doing without it, you are probably wrong.

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is that semen running down your leg?

Semen The problem of sex and gravity.

No, I don’t mean the difficulty in hanging upseide down from the chandeliere during sex.  I mean the running-down-the-inside-of-your thigh-mess after sex.

Most women understand thatwhat I’m talking about. The phenomenon, when after sex, you have to run to the bathroom to get a towl to hold between your legs so you won’t gush…

The loving spoonful he’s just deposited, starts to liquifies once it has a few minutes in the warmth of the vagina, and then starts it’s downward ooze. Some women claim that if you get to the bathroom fast enough, you can deposit it as the quarter size dollup into the toilet.  This is why you need to have a bath, washcloth or better yet, a bidet to clean up after sex.  Otherwise you start smelling like a used condom that has been forgotten in the wastepaper basket…ick. Sperm

I’ve had a question recently, from a bunch of patients who noticed that their semen wasn’t as robust as usual.  Semen can change with diet, age, prostate problems, medication etc.  Given the mess it cause, a little less of a good thing might just be a great thing.

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okay, so I see the banana like contraption in your pants…

Banana So, not to brag or anything, but I’ve see a few penises in my time.  I know, you’re shocked that a sex therapist who has worked in a sexual health clinic has, gasp, been exposed to the odd willy.  Not to mention the few (more than 5 and less than a dozen) that I’ve actually slept with.
Well, today I’m going to talk about the few very ODD willies I’ve seen. Dicks by another name, come in all colors, sizes, shapes, complete with their own odors, bumps and spots.  With an average size of 5 inches erect, some are cut (circumcised), some are hairy (you should have seen the bush on this one guy!!!!), and some look like a scared turtle peeking out of their shell.   Women know that universally, men are obsessed with their penis size.  They have all measured it. At least any guy I’ve ever spoken to about it. I saw one that had been botched during a circumcision (it looked like it had been whacked with a lawn mower – deep gashes around the head), and one that had been pierced three times down the shaft (forget writing your name in the snow anymore buddy).
But by far, the strangest dong that was ever flashed to me was the Jamaican giant who must have had a 13 inch penis.  It was, with no exaggeration, a freak of nature.  He was looking for a donut (otherwise known as a door stop) that prevents the penis from being inserted too deeply into a vagina.  I guess his partners had ran screaming into the night once they saw it erect. I know I would have, if I was thinking about sleeping with him.  He offered to show me, and I was too genuinely curious not to take him up on the offer. Black, freckled, and the size of the biggest peppermill you’ve ever seen.
Just thought you would be interested in know.
Penis
 
 
 
 

Hanging his up by his nuts

Heart I’m reading this book about getting over the scum sucking ex’s in your life and how to have an exorcism in order to repair the karmatic unrest after the went and broke your heart.  Remeber the adage about “Hell having no fury like a woman scorned…”
Sue’s top 5 things to do if you want to get an ex out of your mind:
5. Burn all his pictures, and a list of all the things you hate about him, and the long letter you wrote and never sent him about how badly he/she hurt you.  Scatter the ashes to the wind.
4. Buy yourself something new and hot to wear and go out to get some new attention.  Hey nothing, I mean nothing, gets you back in the saddle like new, positive, opposite sex attention.
3. play pin the tail on the ex.  Take one of their pictures, stick it on the wall and use it as a pin cushion, or draw fangs, balckened teeth etc. Childish but fun.
2. Have a roast. Invite your friends and family over and toast all the bad things about him/her.  It’s amazing what comes up and is totally cathartic.
1. Finally, forgive and move on.  I know it’s hard, but you won’t always feel this way.  Fake it until you make it (ie. pretend to be happy and over them, because your brain will start to do just that.  Remember, the Chinese adage, that living well is the best reward.
Ex_boyfriend
 
 
 
 

hello Mr. prostate, I'm happy to prod you

Prostate2Urologists say that every man who lives long enough will have trouble with their prostate.  My favourite expression is that get to know it guys, because it will bite you in the ass when you least expect it.
It’s a cool thing, the prostate. Like a little donut, it circles the vas defrens (the tube that brings semen out of the body).  It produces most of the fluid in cum or ejaculate, and lines up perfectly on xray with the female G-Spot. So it’s guy’s P spot,or G spot equivalent and can give you a “different” kind of orgasm when stimulated.  Not like the visit to the proctologist, that’s just uncomfortable, necessary, but uncomfortable), stimulation of the prostate can feel really, really good.  Loaded with nerve endings there are two ways to reach it. One massaging between the back of the testicles and the anus, and the other, (only if you have short finger nails), but gentle stimulation inside by moving it slowly back and forth.  One of the top five most common phone sex fantasies (I would love to get a grant to study that), is men being penetrated by their partners a la strap on.  hey, if you want to do me there, I want to do you there….
They don’t know why the prostate suddenly starts to enlarge, but it can hold toxins, and one of the best ways to “clean it out” is by regular, frequent ejaculations. That means, masturbating a few times a week if you don’t have a partner, or asking someone who likes you to help you out.  Tell them it’s medicinal, and your sex therapist told you to do it. 🙂
If you are single or in an open relationship there are a few massage therapists who will offer manual stimulation to help the prostate. Send me a note directly and let’s talk about that.
In the meanwhile, listen to my 90 second audio on the visit to the proctologist.