I was talking to clients about what happens when they don’t take care of their sexual health. Yes we know we have to eat better yes we know we have to eat her veggies and not drink as much according to the new Canadian rules about alcohol.
But one of the things we don’t do is pay attention to you know quirky things that happened to us between our knees and our waists.
I will say that sex is your early warning system it tells you when somethings wrong.
I’ve had young guys come in who have erectile disfunction in are telling me about their how their father died early of a heart attack and that they hadn’t been to a doctor in five years. When you do their blood pressure is through the roof. You immediately get them into a referral for a triple bypass because if the small blood vessels are clogged the big ones can be too.
I’m a sex therapist I’m not a doctor but boy do I see some stuff that raises some eyebrows and has me running for the phone to give clients a physician referral.
ED can be a sign of heart problems.
There’s a lot of women with pelvic floor challenges painful intercourse issues around lubrication.
Vaginal atrophy lesions that can be easily fixed by visit to urologist for a long time urologist were surgeons all they wanted to do is cut but a lot of them do you quality of life issues and are trying to make things better.
I certainly where we are it takes a while to get into one but if you’ve got a problem sexually you may think that they’d be the better choice Asking for a specialist there is no shame in your doctor referral If you have scrotal concerns do you have a lump. Or your penis is bending to one side when it’s a wrecked a little bit of Petronie’s then seeing a urologist is a great thing.
It’s a couple of urologist where I live that do both sound and laser techniques to increase erectile disfunction by 60% Its considered cosmetics and although it’s not free and sure as hell isn’t cheap improves erectile disfunction by a significant amount in 8 visits.
Sex is part of the human condition the world is better when we have se.
If you’re struggling with your desire and your equipment it’s time to go to your doctor and ask for a referral to a urologist
I’ve been doing a series on Tiktok on “How to get laid”. This is less about dating and more about finding an abundance of sexual partners. I have over 15,000 followers (nobody was more surprised than I was) so follow me at wearetheducklings (the cool name of my social group @ wearetheducklings.com).
What I have been talking about is ways to not scare off potential sexual rendezvous. What many men don’t seem to realize is that women want, need & like sex. We just need to feel valued, safe, not judged, and secure in order to let loose. Give us a safe way to let loose and we are putty in your hands.
Here is how men screw things up. I’ve been helping a close friend of mine find potential partners. She is looking both for men to have casual sex with and men to date. She’s beautiful, smart, kind, single and you would think it would be easy. I know how many potential partners there are out there for her. She came to the cottage this past weekend and I set her up on Bumbl. I picked her pictures, wrote her ads (I can do it for you too if you want to book a session) and started 23 conversation with men she matched with over the weekend. I couldn’t believe how man of them blew it.
If you bare a guy who has more dates than they know what to do with then this advice may not be for you. But she’s attracted to nerdy guys who like tech, gaming, scifi, & who can also carry on a conversation. She’s kind and is less concerned about looks. A great all round person who loves sex. Those guys aren’t getting thousands of matches. After going through pages of guys on the aps ( and writing over 40 men) this is what I found were the issues with the guys that couldn’t score with a kind, friendly, willing girl who wants to get touched.
Terrible pictures! No bathroom selfies, get a friend to take an outside, SMILING picture of yourself. Humans smile at each other to show we are safe. No arms crossed I look cool pics.
When you compliment a woman you don’t know (even if she wants sex) stick to compliments above her neck or below her knees. Or mention her dog, guitar, location but do not comment on her body parts!!!!
Don’t criticize her profile or pictures. You don’t know her and it will kill it right there. I had 3 guys immediately ask for body shots. Are you Fuck’n kidding me? How to shut down things immediately.
Be interesting. She had a few that were polite but had nothing to talk about on the first call. Read a paper and have something to say about three topics of interest.
Be engaged. The first guy she had a video call with was watching TV while he was talking to her. Sigh. Rude and clueless.
Talk about things that make you seem safe. Playing with your kids, dog, nephew, talking your Mom shopping, volunteering for the food bank etc.
Let her bring up sex first. Don’t even imply it. No words like play, sensuous, kink etc until she opens the door. And then you are in.
CHILL OUT. Quality women are busy and may take a day or two to get back to you. Don’t bombard with messages and come across as needy. And expect it to take 3 relaxed meetings MINIMUM before she gets naked.
NO DICK PIC’s. Unless she begs you.
I have a bunch more. And I coach both men and women on how to connect and get laid. Follow my tiktok videos and know that for a $140 I can set you up and coach you on how to get laid. Guaranteed.
I regularly have Men in my office under the age of 50 struggling with erections. These aren’t older men with blood pressure, diabetes, and cholesterol, these are client after client of fit, active men who are freaking about that they are going to screw up a sexual encounter and are afraid to even start. These are guys who lose their erections because they worry they aren’t going to be hard enough. And sure enough they manifest a limper penis than is needed for intercourse. Or men who won’t go on a date for fear of failing in the bedroom. It’s the most common thing I see with men and can affect up to 25% of men in North America.
According to the Guardian article, “Many believe erectile dysfunction (ED), also known as impotence, is becoming more prevalent in young men. A recent study of 2,000 British men found that 50% of those in their 30s reported difficulties in getting and maintaining an erection. But Nicole Prause, a neuroscientist who specialises in sexual behaviour, says there is little scientific and statistical evidence of a growth in the prevalence of ED. “When you look representatively, there has not been an increase in erectile dysfunction. I see stats all the time reading, ‘It’s increased 1,000% in young men.’ But there’s no paper that says that.”
I feel badly for men. I’ve written before that culturally male identity is very strongly linked with their virility, penis size and performance. Be big enough, hard enough, last long enough, have some game in bed and generally be all that and more. It’s a hard place to be for modern men. I really do get it. It’s a physical reaction to a psychological situation. Just like what happens when you get the butterflies about doing a big work presentation.
What happens is the concern about staying hard (or lasting long) increases the cortisol levels and increases the chemical reactions that impede the release of nitric oxide that causes erections. Then men lose erections and the next time becomes worse as the anxiety builds.
So what can you do?
There are mediation,. mindfulness & hypnosis. That does work for some men but it takes a while. I have an immediate plan that solves the problem and overpowers this kind of sexual anxiety. There is also Sex Therapy to deal with touch, intimacy, upping your foreplay and oral skills and generally increasing your Sex IQ
But if you are looking to get started right away by initial suggestions are very straightforward.
1. Take 100mg of Kamagra or Cialis and hour before sexual activity.
2. Start taking estrogen blockers (any health food store) to help boost the testosterone.
3. Get yourself a leather snap cock ring. They have enough give to prevent tissue damage but act like a bra for your penis in supporting your erection.
4. Consider some low grade THC or CBD gummies. They decrease inflammation and help deal with the hamster wheel in your head.
5. Work out a positive mantra for sexual anxiety. I have a quick audio download I can send to anyone who signs up for my newsletter.
If that doesn’t work call me. We can do a 30 minute session (by Zoom or facetime) for $75 with immediate results. Let’s solve this problem.
It turns out that I am one of only a few therapists who specialize in penis size. I honestly thought more clinicians saw clients in their office who struggled with penile dysmorphia (dislike or issues with their appendages). It’s such a common theme among the cool & amazing male clients I see. Many guys with good jobs, a sense of humour, friendly outlooks are stopped in their tracks by a perception that their penises don’t measure up.
As I often comment, there are lots of other things you can do sexually that doesn’t involve a large penis. Most of the men I speak to who feel that they are smaller than average are outstanding at oral sex, have a collection of toys (and know how to use them), & are exceptional at hand work.
There aren’t many studies that honestly look at women’s preference about penis size. My own anecdotal experience is that most women prefer average sized dicks. They don’t hurt. The paper published in 2015 said women preferred girth to length. And based on 2d models and questionnaires suggested women preferred men about 6 inches erect.
“Women’s preferences for penis size may affect men’s comfort with their own bodies and may have implications for sexual health. Women (N = 75) selected amongst 33, 3D models. Women recalled model size accurately using this method, although they made more errors with respect to penis length than circumference. Women preferred a penis of slightly larger circumference and length for one-time (length = 6.4 inches/16.3 cm, circumference = 5.0 inches/12.7 cm) versus long-term (length = 6.3 inches/16.0 cm, circumference = 4.8 inches/12.2 cm) sexual partners.”
If you are a man that doesn’t have a 6 inch penis it doesn’t mean you are out of luck in satisfying women. The study went on to use models (or dildoes & dilators) for the women to try. For women who occasionally want to feel a larger penis the strap-on toys or other phallic objects work just as well. I find that the couples I work with have great success in increasing the sensuality of their sex lives – as well as increased satisfaction in using a variety of different sized toys. It’s one of the things we work through in therapy very successfully. I have the best sources and prices. Consider a short term, Zoom session to calm down the obsession you have with your small penis. And concern you have about satisfying a partner. Let’s talk about it with a relaxed 30 minute session to start.
Blunt lessons on dating and flirting in the digital age
By An Anonymous Duckling
Yup, this is yet another article on Internet dating. Unlike many such articles written by guys in the last twenty years, you won’t find anything on opening lines, or advice on being “alpha” or edgy or any of that.
For starters, women are past that, particularly the women who have lived a little. Secondly, we’re Ducklings. where the ethos is first and foremost about actual interaction and being a decent person.
The lessons in this article were acquired over many years of online dating, observation, and being a sounding board for women who have heard and seen it all. In somewhat random order, here is what I’ve learned.
You are not unique and special until you prove that you are
Whether in online dating or a community like the Ducklings, the reality is that women have choices. They’ve likely interacted with a lot of guys, and it takes more than a brief conversation before they become comfortable enough to want to spend one-on-one time with you. And no, she doesn’t want to see your penis yet. She knows what penises look like, and no matter how awesome yours is, she’s seen one before, and seeing a picture of yours really isn’t going to make it more likely that she’ll be touching it. Unless of course she explicitly asks for one, then have fun!
In short, just exchanging a couple of messages or a brief conversation at an event aren’t going to make you stand out. It takes time to make a connection, and until you do, you’re just another guy who has hit on her that month.
Being a decent person makes you stand out.
It’s a sad reality. Between the catfishers, scammers and the guys who want to meet “at your place” within five minutes of first contact, women who have spent any time online have seen and heard it all. Now, you’re a Duckling which means you’re a decent person, right?
So show it.
Don’t bring up sex out of context. Listen to her. Be a friend.
And seriously, a lot of guys have passed those tests, been ok during the “let’s meet” date, and then shot themselves in the foot by assuming that first meeting would end with a quick blowjob.
Don’t be that guy – they are unbelievably common. Some women are actually on-edge during a first meetup because they are bracing for the sudden and unwelcome sound of a zipper being undone. Guys who find a way to make it clear that they aren’t “that guy” will have a much better time. The blowjobs will come later.
She knows that you know that she has boobs. You don’t need to talk about them.
It seems to happen less often now than in the early days of online chat/dating, but its still an issue – at some point early in the online conversation, the guy will ask about bra size or ask for a boob pic.
Sure, maybe it works sometimes. But as a general lesson – mentioning her boobs in any way makes it less likely that you’ll get to touch them.
Women want to be lusted over, but it can’t be indiscriminate. They want you to like their boobs, but they don’t want to be treated like a collection of sexual body parts. Its complicated, but its all part of people wanting to have an actual connection. Ducklings seek that connection. Make that connection, and good things will happen. And it may not be with the first women (or the third) that you meet, but it will happen.
She’s not going to be impressed, so don’t bother trying.
This one’s complicated. Firstly, know that you’re quite likely not going to be the most accomplished guy she’s ever spoken to. Yes, she wants to know that you’re a functioning adult who won’t need to borrow money. But beyond that, let your personal qualities speak for themselves.
Yes, many women will want a guy who can at least fit in and can afford their share of a winter getaway. Respect that.
But, coming from a guy who was married to a former NHL spouse, trust me – you’re not going to impress her with money or the circles you’ve been in. I would have been a fool to try. The truly valuable quality is what I mentioned earlier – being a decent person and be the person you’re projecting yourself to be (more about that later).
Remember that no matter how subtle you think your bragging is, she’s heard it before and sees right through it. Besides, different women are impressed by different things; trust her to figure that out for herself.
There isn’t a girl shortage
This comes down to both not being a jerk if she says “no”, and not wasting your own time with someone where the connection isn’t really going to happen. You can’t force it.
There truly are a lot of women looking for a connection, and this article just touches on why they have a hard time finding a match. I’m convinced that there are more available women than there are guys who “get it”. What this boils down to is that if you behave like a decent person, then there is a woman for you. She might not be one of the first ten you flirt with, but she’s out there. Knowing this makes it much easier to move on if she’s not interested.
Face it – if you’ve had significant interaction with someone and you’re still unsure if she’s into you or not, she likely isn’t. Move on gracefully and don’t become “that guy” with a reputation as a pest.
Be true to yourself – don’t adopt kinks and alt lifestyles just as a means to meet women
Submissive women see it all the time: Men who have self-declared as dominant, bought a leather hat, and let it be known they’d like to partner with submissive women. The experienced women see right through it. They all have stories of the guys who couldn’t lead a dog to their food dish who have decided that being a dom is their best route to sexual adventure.
Don’t be that guy. A Dom-Sub relationship puts the sub’s emotional and physical security at risk if it isn’t led by someone who gets it. Real damage can be done by people who don’t understand the dynamic and who don’t realize the relationship is really about the sub’s need.
The same requirement for authenticity applies for people declaring that they are poly or a swinger. None of this rules out experimentation – just declare your curiosity up front and you will learn the right way what’s for you while minimizing hurt feelings (or worse).
Interestingly, these six lessons mesh nicely with the Duckling mantra. Be authentic. Be nice. Be social. Respect boundaries. Whether on the new Duckling Dating site, other online dating sites, or at events, these lessons won’t guarantee that you’ll meet someone, but they will help you stand out.
Men encounter their own issues with women during the “finding someone” phase. It is definitely a struggle. By being a decent and authentic true version of yourself and not treating women as a collection of body parts or a kind outlet, then you’re well on your way to standing out above the crowd.
So besides Duckling dating spend the $500 and specific, engaged online dating coaching during Covid with Canada’s leading Sex Therapist Sue McGarvie. She will write your ad, help you with pictures, coach you on what to say, where to put it and how to connect with someone in real life. It’s time to do something about it. Reach out to Sue now.
I think boner pills should be in every guy over 30’s medicine cabinet.
Every man struggles with a bout of ED at some point in their lives. And it gets much more frequent the further north of 30 you go.
Cialis, Viagra, Kamagra are big tools for men who come home tired, are on different kinds of medications that affect their erections, or struggle with anxiety about their performance. Performance anxiety is the most common affliction I see with men in my office as a Sex Therapist. It manifests as inability or loss of erections, premature ejaculation, and generalized avoidance of sex.
In my office I talk about cock rings, penile pumps, something called “soft-on’s” (vs hard-on’s), pleasure, intimacy, penile injections, suppositories, supplements, EFT for anxiety among other techniques. And I talk about boner pills. They are a great tool. And they affect your body about as much as a Tylenol & are non-addictive.
The challenge is that sometimes taking the pills becomes a psychological habit. Being hard enough to pound nails makes you want to stay on the Cialis all the time. And soon getting a natural erection doesn’t cut it anymore. Or your anxiety goes up when you aren’t on it and you end up being constantly on the medication.
It’s easy to get. My Dad said he saw it sold on the golf courses and in the gas stations in Thailand. It’s readily available online. In Mexico the lifestyle resort that I was speaking at had upwards of 500 mg in their gift shop.
I often get asked if it’s okay to perpetually stay on Cialis. Physically millions of men are prescribed the daily 5 mg dose so medically the answer is yes. Psychologically it may be a different story.
