There is a great book that came out last year by Wednesday Martin called Untrue that explored (and blew up with research) the myths of female sexuality. Women only want romance, that they don’t like sex, and are happy with intercourse. As a young woman, I used to feel like a freak because none of the “truisms” about sex ever applied to me. I wanted wild, diverse, creative, passionate sex as often as I could get it.
Untrue outlined how women want sexual adventure far more than men. And how our sexuality is far more elusive and evasive that we knew. And that nobody tells you that keeping things hot and spicy 5, 10, 20 years into a relationship may be one of the hardest parts of staying married for decades.
As a Sex Therapist, I speak to women who don’t want sex. Much of that is physical (menopause, hormones, stress) some is relationships (I don’t like my partner), and much is that I’m so bored with doing the same thing over & over. Or I don’t get off by anything other that masturbating with my toy. Younger women are more likely speak up sexually. But anyone over 40 comes from a generation of women thinking “is it over yet?”
This comment was in the Guardian (one of my favourite newspapers)
“For two years now, I’ve been deceiving my husband. He thinks I still enjoy sex with him – in reality, it bores me stiff and leaves me cold. My husband and I always made time to enjoy adventurous sex. I still love him as deeply as ever. To reject him, or suggest that he does without sex, would feel unspeakably cruel. To fake pleasure seems deceitful, so gradually we’ve shifted to the kind of male-centred sex I put up with in my 20s, which speeds things up. He’s not remarked on this shift and I made sure it happened slowly. Perhaps he has guessed the reason why, although I never let my boredom or irritation show.”
It’s a common theme. And we are struggling to find our voices and ask for what we really need.
Coaching helps you understand, articulate and explore your desires. The choices are to suck it up and live with a dying sex life. Or find a way to live with incredible passion & fulfillment. If it isn’t fun you won’t want to do it. Let me pend 30 minutes with you, send you piles of resources including 75 different things to do in bed, access to the toy testing council and inexpensive sex toys, & options to join virtual discussions on making sex hot. Let’s talk about it.
Covid has changed everything this year. It’s changed my practice (from face to face to virtual), it’s changed my social group (check out the Ducklings website for our virtual events), and it has amplified whatever is going on in relationships. For some it’s a “staycation”. For others it’s a hostage situation.
But for couples who are spending more time together at home, the lockdown is more than just a chance to binge-watch a random Netflix series. It’s a chance to get sexy together.
Women more than men have an optimal “sex time” of the day. With everyone around all day, taking a moment for a nooner, some afternoon delight or mid-morning romps is at an all-time high. But how do you make it more than regular “meat & potatoes” sex?
I’m in lock down too and I have some up with a list of fun things you can do during your time inside. Some of it involves some inexpensive kit. I buy my toys from Pink Cherry as they are regularly much cheaper than elsewhere online – and they give me loyalty points.
So here is my list. And in this area I am walking the walk. While some experiences are better than others (and that’s a matter of a number of arousing variables) it’s great to try new things. So “on the eighth day of lockdown my true love did to me…”
Stay safe everyone.
Day 1. Go for a ride. Someone on top with a vibrating cockring.
Day 2. Cialis & morning wood. Try the scissor position for something new.
Day 3. Blindfold, ballgag, & blowjob
Day 4. Cosmo game. Pull a card and do exactly what it tell you to do.
Day 5. Shower sex. Do interesting things with soap.
Day 6. Apron on & nothing else. Use a different part of the body to get off. I have great success grinding against knees.
Day 7. Football handjob
Day 8. Wooden spoon on a bare bum. Paddle until you are pink & sensitized. Orgasm at will
Day 9. Reverse cowgirl with his shoulders on a chair, hips raised in a bridge pose
Day 10. Squirting pad and fisted in the morning.
Day 11. Rope bondage (easy to access at any open hardware store). Tied up and no place to go.
Day 12. Fantasy jar. Write at least 3 things each that you would like to try and read them together over your morning coffee.
Day 13. Get a little rough. Pulling hair, light scratching, pillow fight. See where it goes.
Day 14. Watch each other masturbate.
Day 15. Anal play. Lube, baby wipes, and use one finger with gentle tease the opening.
Day 16. Massage exchange
Day 17. Make a sex tape or take some nudes. Just for your eyes only.
Day 18. Sex and food. Maple syrup, whipped cream, cucumbers etc.
Day 19. Heat up some sex candles. Wax play can be very exciting.
Day 20. Challenge your partner to a game of strip poker or strip shots.
Day 21. Order a sex toy you’ve never tried. And may I suggest adding a pair of nipple clamps to the order?
Day 22. Try talking dirty. I like reading an erotic passage. That way I can say the words but it doesn’t come from me.
Day 23. Porn watching together. See if you can find three clips on pornhub or ehamster that you both like.
Day 24. Go for a drive in the car and have car sex!
Day 25. Take a sex quiz together. I think this one is the best of a bunch as it send your partner your answer by email.
Day 26. Turn off all the lights. Watch each other by candlelight only. Take some washable markers and draw on your partner’s body in the flickering lights.
Day 27. Go down on your partner while they are on a work call. Bonus points if they are on a Zoom call.
Day 28. Seduce your partner. Striptease, dress up, nibble at their neck & try to distract them.
After lockdown you may be able to go the sex shop, go out to other places besides the grocery & drug store etc.
Check out what the Ducklings are doing and see if maybe there is a virtual event that may get your juices flowing.
Given that it has to be virtual (sigh) We will be doing a dungeon tour and the ABC’s of BDSM during a exploratorium. We will have a few different kinksters demonstrating their expertise virtually for Ducks. We have two Domme’s doing some kinky stuff on camera.
Whips, paddles, clips, clamps, rubber, cross-dressing, D/s partners, sadism, and more will be discussed (with some demo’s). It’s going to be crazy. LIVE, personal, sounding, flogging and more.
We are working to be responsible during the pandemic. But mental health and the need to for healthy community support is also vital. Getting out and feeling like the world is a good place with the kindest group of people anywhere helps.
Come join us. This is a 4ish Duck event. FREE for members and $15 for non-members. email@example.com for the link or check out the website at www.wearetheducklings.com
Sue McGarvie is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.
Topic: Virtual Dungeon tour with two Domme’s!
Time: Oct 17, 2020 07:00 PM Eastern Time (US and Canada)
Join Zoom Meeting
Meeting ID: 894 3652 9527
One tap mobile
+13462487799,,89436529527# US (Houston)
+16465588656,,89436529527# US (New York)
Dial by your location
+1 346 248 7799 US (Houston)
+1 646 558 8656 US (New York)
It gives you time to get the covid hair fixed.
Come join us for an amazing afternoon of safe and sexy photos with two first rate photographers!
Boudoir for women, men and couples!
It’s Sunday, July 12 from 11 to 6 pm. We will book by appointment and work to keep everything clean and safe! Food, wine, professional makeup (for those without testicles) , amazing photographs, lingerie, and a chance to find your sexy selves! It’s part of the body image series.
Boudoir Photography and party with champagne, great food, friends, chocolate and sexy pictures!
We love doing boudoir. It’s becomes magical. Women feeling beautiful, empowered and the guys are happy to have something erotic and personal. Couples feel connected. Men get super hot dating photos. Anyone who has done them raves about them. We get top, professional makeup application and have two photographers in the building Anny B and Paul Chislett. By making sure we have economies of scale we can do the event for $150 per person or couple. So you can have together and alone for the same price. What a deal!
Look back on yourself when you are 80 and see how hot you really were! Do it for yourself, to torment the guys who might possibly see them with your beauty or give it as a for-his-eyes-only gift. Sexy couple photos are also welcome if you would prefer to do them together.
Mimosa’s, (champagne and orange juice) chocolate, and the sexiest photos you can imagine! It’s safe, discreet, private, and super fun! Women or couples, it’s sensuous (but safe), erotic and fun. Participants can wear whatever they would like (bring it with you) and you have time for one change of outfits. You have a private area for photo’s and it’s all relaxed and discreet. Professional makeup artist will be there to transform you. You need to have your own hair done when you arrive. It all happens on Sunday July 12 at a private house in Ottawa south. Address will be sent to participants.
So pictures, food, and community!
Bring something yummy to share and I’ll make up pitchers of our trademarked sangria and mimosa’s. We have limited room for photos so it is a first come first serve. Cost is $150 (either alone or together) which includes makeup, photo shoot, and two photographs. You may purchase the library of other shots (the ones where you aren’t blinking) directly from the photographer. They have different packages or just stick with the few amazing ones you are guaranteed. Given that there are upfront expenses, you need to pay in advance on the wearetheducklings.com/events website or by etranfer to firstname.lastname@example.org, or commit to paying in cash and NOT BAILING!
If you want one of those shots you can look at when you are 80, still hot for each other and goosing each other around the anniversary cake then this is the day for you. Think relaxed, loving, elegant with Ottawa’s premier boudoir photographer. If you’ve never had a sensuous photo of you and your sweetie taken, give it some thought. It’s unbelievably intimate and you can look back on yourself as the hot hot couple or have something to embarrass your kids with. We provide professional make up application, martini’s and fantastic food samplings along with a romance picture that will last a lifetime.
You bring whatever outfits you want to wear. Or have it clothing optional. It can be anything you feel sexy in. I’ve taken my picture in nothing but a Sens jersey. Smile. We also share food so bring a dish of munchies to pass around.
I feel like a caged cat. For six weeks I was pacing the house and stress baking. Now that I can get outside we are walking together (slapping mosquitoes but hey, that’s spring in Eastern Ontario) and the lockdown feels slightly less intrusive. With more time together during a pandemic it certainly doesn’t feel like a holiday. The stress of the unknown, lack of connection with friends and extended family and sameness is getting to everyone.
“Stress is at an all-time high for many couples. According to Dr. Gabor Maté, “three factors that universally lead to stress are uncertainty, lack of information, and the loss of control.” Prolonged exposure to these stressors, generated from COVID-19 and other circumstances, can result in allostatic load.
Allostatic load refers to the wear and tear on the body that accumulates when we are exposed to repeated or chronic stressors. These stressors can be internal, external, or both. While allostasis has been traditionally examined in individuals, it undoubtedly impacts couples.
On an interpersonal level, increased allostatic load may result in individuals experiencing difficulty in starting or maintaining relationships. When an individual is depressed, certain neurotransmitters aren’t functioning at an optimal level. Even the most doting and loving partner might not be able to conjure the experience of love or limerence, which is the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings.”
Finding ways to be with each other in a positive way when you are fighting chronic stress is challenging. And men and women have different responses. For many sex is a stress reliever. For other’s it’s a definite mood killer. I am spending the pandemic talking to people in their cars who need to vent about their partner’s over exuberant interest or lack of interest.
I have been following a number of blogs that talk about using the uniqueness of the current situation to give your sex and love life a boost.
I wanted to summarize some of the suggestions for ways to up the connection while we wait for life to get back to normal. Here are some ways to keep things intimate during the isolation.
Order some discount costumes, download some free audio porn from Pornhub or film yourselves having sex.
Human beings are inherently turned on by novelty and newness when it comes to sex. I have a list of 60 new things to try that you might not be doing sexually on my site. Or a list of 75 different things to do in the bedroom in a different blog. I’m happy to email them to you if you want to reach out. Things like taking the Mojoupgrade quiz and finding out if there is something your partner might be curious about that you didn’t know are also good suggestions for spicing things up.
The people who tried new things were three times more likely to report improvements in the bedroom than those who didn’t make any new additions.
Bathe together, take a break from social media, massages, THC oil (it simply makes your genitals – not you stoned), meditate, naked exercise (or gardening!) or other gentle things that lower your stress load
Do some grooming together!
Treat your partner with the same care you would going out on any date. Even with hair and nail salons closed there are things you can do. One of the sexiest things that happened to me this month is my meticulous partner painting my nails and toes. And I cut his hair which is a truly intimate act. Wash each other’s back, do an oil rubdown, suntan together, or try one of those facemasks together. Grooming is an age old thing that brings you closer to each other.
Romantic Date Night at Home or picnic together!
I love picnics! We’ve been doing them in the backyard or on drives together. As Justin says, “plan a fun evening. For some, this might involve cooking your favorite meal together, ordering takeout or delivery from a special restaurant, having wine or cocktails while you watch the sunset or listen to music, watching a movie you’ve both been meaning to see, or trying an erotic game or role-play.The options are endless, and with a little creative thinking, you can craft a relaxing—or exciting—evening (depending on what you’re looking for) to fit any budget.”
This is time we will never have again. The more we can manage the stress and be together the greater the long-term impacts on you relationship will be. Reach out if you need some help. Otherwise be safe everyone.
There is a great new survey about the state of oral sex in America. Apparently more than 50% (51.39% to be exact) of those surveyed will end the relationship if you don’t munch or blow.
There was some interesting findings
“Do you think oral sex or intercourse is more intimate? The respondents were split down the middle, with oral sex winning by a razor’s edge. 50.4% think that oral sex is more intimate than intercourse. Interestingly, the majority of men think that intercourse is more intimate, whereas the majority of women think that oral sex is more intimate.
Another question the respondents were very split on was: is refusing to engage in oral sex a relationship deal-breaker? 51.39% said yes. Other interesting statistics: 33% have felt at least some societal pressure to engage in oral sex, and 12.1% of people strongly dislike kissing their partner after oral sex.
If oral sex is part of 72% of North American sex diet what happens if it’s not your thing?
There are a number of things you can ask of your partner- shaving, eating fruit and sweet things before sex, drizzling genitals in something yummy like maple syrup or chocolate sauce, douching with apple cider vinegar, stay off the garlic and dairy, and make sure you are scrupulously clean. And try. If you have had a bad experience better liaisons it’s time to try again with some grace, communication and gentleness.
If it’s something you really want to get past then I can help. One or two sessions with lots of encouragement and concrete tips can really help. My skypeffacetime/what’s ap sessions are private, affordable and easy. Book now and let’s get this resolved.