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The prescription against divorce. 3 hours of connecting time a week and put down the cell phones.

Like most people I communicate all day long by email, text and social media. I have over 4,000 facebook friends (I’m feeling the love.!..) and I try hard to stay on top of my correspondence. It’s hard not to use the same technologies in my intimate communications despite the fact that I preach snuggling, date nights, and regular face to face snogging. There was an article this week in a UK magazine (Sourced London University) that reminded me of the challenges of social media. Apparently, text flirting, facebook, and online adultery sites were cited as being responsible for 60% (Agh!) of divorces in 2011.
Time and the challenge faced with work/life balances is the theme for most of the lunches with my girlfriends. Finding time for personal contact with friends amidst work kids (can’t WAIT for school to start!), and personal time. I gave a controversial quote in my interview with Glow magazine last week. I said that “if couples can’t find 3 hours of uninterrupted intimate time each week for conversation, sensuous touch and a general positive check in of the relationship they won’t make it.” With a divorce rate over 52% for first time marriages, traditional marriages can be viewed by some as a failing experiment. I tell couples that of they can’t regularly carve out that 3 hours a week for conversation beyond “what’s for dinner”, then partners feel taken for granted. And with marriages, the truth is that they take real work and transparency with your communication. I often ask couples if they would be able to exchange phones for the day. If you have flirty emails that you might not want your mate to see, maybe its time to look at an exercise in what I call “open-minded communication”. It’s about  really testing the limits of your comfort zone and honestly asking your partner to meet some of your intimacy needs. It’s scary stuff.
So what can you do without going through a therapist led facilitation?  I suggest two things.  The first is to do a “couples mission statement”. Think of it as a life plan, paragraph of values and New Year’s Resolutions all rolled into one. Write out what’s important to you as a couple, your one and three year life plan, and the things you want to aspire to be in your relationship. Guys get it because its linear, and offers up a target they can hit. Women like it because its intimate and building a future.  The second it to schedule a weekly date night, block of time, parking appointment whatever you like that allows you 3 hours of time together. Find a time when the kids aren’t around, put a lock on your bedroom door, and make your mate the priority for that time. You will be amazed at how effective that it. If you can’t implement those two, drop me a line. I’m can give you a boot camp before you need to look for lawyers.

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How being masculine and watching sports increases your testosterone levels. Hockey and sex hmmmm.

andersonIt’s hockey playoff time. I have for many years wrote about the sexiness of playoff beards. Everyone has something that makes then catch their breath and bite their tongue. For me it’s burly, sweaty men and facial hair. I like men that look like men. It turns out that there is some physiological reasons for this.
Being hyper masculine, square jawed, broad shouldered, with a 5 O’clock shadow makes men look more virile. Meaning their boys can swim and they make good genetic choices for our ovaries. Those qualities have women thinking about baby-making (or at least practicing) in our primitive or limbic “we want to have monkey sex” brains. The opposite is also true. Feminized women who smell nice, are pink, cute, and sway their hips are also trigger heat from their partners. There is something about playing those exaggerated roles of masculine and feminine that has our primitive brains hard wired for sex.
These behaviours bump up our sex hormones, testosterone and progesterone. This in turn makes us friskier.
It also turns out that watching sports also increases our testosterone. But only if our team wins. This was the abstract of a great study that tested the hormones in saliva during basketball and soccer games. And those guys don’t have playoff beards. Smile. So test my hormones on Friday night when the Ottawa Senators win game 2 of the second round. Maybe that’s why I’m inclined to have halftime or intermission sex.
Basking in reflected glory, in which individuals increase their self-esteem by identifying with successful others, is usually regarded as a cognitive process that can affect behavior. It may also involve physiological processes, including changes in the production of endocrine hormones. The present research involved two studies of changes in testosterone levels among fans watching their favorite sports teams win or lose. In the first study, participants were eight male fans attending a basketball game between traditional college rivals. In the second study, participants were 21 male fans watching a televised World Cup soccer match between traditional international rivals. Participants provided saliva samples for testosterone assay before and after the contest. In both studies, mean testosterone level increased in the fans of winning teams and decreased in the fans of losing teams. These findings suggest that watching one’s heroes win or lose has physiological consequences that extend beyond changes in mood and self-esteem.
I’ve just finished a book called Men Chase, Women choose. If you want to read more about this I highly recommend the book.

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Top 5 suggestions for finding a new love

marriage
Oprah came to Ottawa this month to talk about love, the universe and her awesome shoes. Women came from all over to be inspired, connect with other great women, and hear about what’s relevant to modern women.
One of her speakers was Columbia University-trained social worker Vasavi Kumar who spoke about how people can renew their dating life. Vasavi, who went from suburban married life to back on the dating circuit had some great ideas about finding a new partner. I just expanded on them and offer up “Sue-isms” that will keep you in play this spring.
Give the nice guy/girl a chance. Kind people don’t always finish last. I hear from my patients all the time. There is something about the bad apple that makes us weak in the knees. I wish I had given all the High School geeks more time when I had the chance. They all grew up to get amazing jobs and treat the women in their lives like princesses.

Don’t get stuck in a “type”-why to be open when choosing a date. I tell women to look twice at the short guys, and for men to know that the “librarian types” usually burn hot. Don’t be shallow. Look past the looks, past the way he fills out his wallet, and find out if he/she makes you smile.
Find Beauty in Imperfection: “Ever wonder how some couples just seem to have it all together? Like their life is simply ‘perfect?’ With the age of Facebook, Twitter, and other social networking sites, It’s really easy to get caught up in the ‘their life is so AH-mazing and my life sucks’ mentality’. I have a secret to share with you. Most of the time what you see ‘out there’ is rarely ever a true representation of what actually is. You see, it’s easy to get caught in the ‘perfection’ of other people’s lives and miss out on the beauty of our own life”.
Don’t be your own worst enemy. Don’t sabotage yourself by listening to the voices in your head. Love Yourself First: “Dating isn’t hard at all. It’s hard however when you don’t have an intimate relationship with yourself. The problem is, when we are not happy in our lives, we bring that energy into our personal relationships. When you don’t know who YOU are, you will fall for anything and everyone OR you will continue to push away a potential partner because you believe dating has to be hard and how could it be this easy.” Think No BS. Don’t keep saying, ‘Why is dating so hard? I just can’t seem to find the right one!’ The fact of the matter is, if you tell yourself it’s hard, it will be and you will manifest that in every potential relationship.
Make yourself marketable. As a sex therapist I know that “men are looking for kind women that look good, who like sex.” Dating is the time to re-jig your look and spend some time honing the packaging. If you are really stuck, call the local modelling agencies. They can usually recommend an image consultant that will take you from geeky to gorgeous.

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The best new ways to meet the man you can love this spring.

meetingI did a speech this week to a women’s group in a neighboring city. It was a professional women’s association made up of women 35-55. I was doing my talk I like to call “Even Superwomen get Stretchmarks”, about women, intimacy and work/life balance. I was going into the best ways to stay connected with your partner, when one of the women piped up that “she didn’t have a partner so how was she to stay connected?”
The room quickly dissolved into a discussion about being single again (or still). It turns out that in most major metropolitan areas singles constitute over 30% of the population. With a majority of those over the age of 40, being women. Despite being a proponent of smart, targeted online dating, many of the women present had been disappointed by their experiences online dating. So what’s a girl to do?
If you think you are ready to find a relationship I offer up 5 things you have to be aware of, and then a list of the best places to go to meet them.
1. Are you too shallow? Meaning is looks all that matter?
2. Are you are gold digger? Meaning all you care about is how he fills out his wallet?
3. Are you crazy? Is you past issues getting in the way of you finding love?
4. Are you too picky? Do you have a list of partner qualities that even Superman couldn’t fill?
5.Do you have that scent of desperation? Do you already have your wedding planned out and just need to “insert some groom here?” Are you rushing the relationship?
6. Are you a doormat? Are you willing to overlook any poor behavior in order to have a partner?
If you can honestly say that the above questions don’t apply to you then read on. If they do, send me an email at radioshrink@rogers.com and lets work through them either in person or by skype/webcam sessions.
If you’re ready then make an appointment at the spa, look as good as you can be and pick out a man hunting outfit that you feel confident and sexy in. Get up to speed on current events (I read Time Magazine’s website) and find a wingman. A wingman is a girlfriend or buddy you can go to events with.
Here’s the list of great places to frequent to meet that new partner.
1. Crash a party or wedding. It takes guts but if you’re well dressed and confident you can meet a whole new group of people. The best excuse is that you are scoping the venue as you are planning a future event.
2. Moonlighting. My favorite idea is the contracting desk at Home Depot where all those masculine guys with tool belts hang out. Go work at a sporting event, bar, or somewhere men congregate.
3. Go to as many parties as you can. Every Christmas when I was single four friends and I would swap Xmas party invites. I went to the chiropractic parties, my friend Dirk would come to my medical events, and we both would go to Betina’s law events. The food was always great at those. I met people who’s paths I would seldom cross.
4. Food/wine tasting. I love those things. You may have to diet the week following, but in Ontario the LCBO has lots of classes, as many of the upscale restaurants.
5. Co-ed volleyball. Bar none the best place I’ve heard of to meet fit, interesting men.
6. The same can be said of pool/bowling leagues, and believe it or not, latin dance classes.
7. Car shows. The place is crowded with men, and they are all imagine you lying across the hoods of those shiny vehicles.
8. Dog walking. Borrow a friend’s if you don’t have one. It’s a fabulous way to make friends.
9. Golf club. Take lessons from the pro and get out there. One of life’s social activities like skiing that helps you connect.
10. Investment seminar. Or upscale retirement living seminar if you are of that generation. Don’t commit to anything but get some tips and mingle.
A few years ago my husband and I started The Ducklings- a date night group for singles and couples. It’s now in 3 cities and has over 5,000 members. Our mission statement is about sexy but safe adventures. I like to say that it’s a group of people trying not to turn into their parents. Read about it and join us!

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How not to marry a jerk

What was interesting about the new Canadian Census stats that were released this week is just how many more single people there are living alone than in years gone past. The numbers from Stats Canada shows that more Canadians are living alone – 5.6 million people aged 15 years and older did not live in census family. It illustrates just how hard it is to meet, connect and to stay in a relationship.
I think it is also a lesser tolerance for bad relationships. Dr. Martin Rovers along with Capital Choice Counseling Group runs a great session at his relationships matters monthly seminars called “How not to marry a jerk”. I think it’s a mandatory course for people who keep picking the same person over and over – and those people tend to be jerks.
Dr. Rovers has got a list of things you can do to define and manage any potential jerk love interests.
“Dr. Rovers thinks there are permanent jerks and transitional jerks. A permanent jerk is someone, wounded from childhood, with features such as:
Persistent resistance to ever changing their core qualities
More than willing to put the blame on everyone else
Break boundaries and promises
Inability to see things for another person’s perspective, a poor listener
Dangerous lack of emotional control and balance, any or withdrawn.
A transitional jerk is someone who has never really learned the skills and attitudes for emotional connectedness in relationships, but can make changes when care-fronted. These are the husbands and wives who need to learn interrelational skills, but are willing and capable when pushed. Jerk is a masculine and feminine word, even if men have much more difficulty with intimacy, as it is defined in society today. ”
Some of the things you can do is to work on your own boundaries in respect to a partner, and make sure you ask a ton a questions before hooking up. As I recently said, very few women especially can do casual sex, so you better be sure a potential lover is not a jerk before jumping into bed. I also suggest a selection committee. One member of your posse (family, friends, co-workers) might not like a potential partner, but when a few people keep singing the same tune, (and they love you) then you might want to listen. If your partner won’t commit, introduce you to their family, and treat their own family members or even wait staff with disrespect then RUN.
I do a three session dating therapy intensive for $500 that will have you going through your baggage, working on identifying what you are looking for, and a plan for connecting with a partner quickly. It also teaches you how NOT to connect with a jerk. Or a crazed woman, narcissist, or user. Let’s set up an appointment and get you back in love.

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The importance of body language

I tell my patients that I read body language for a living. As a shrink when you are in the listening business, bodies are often much more important sources of information than words. In a world of language, texting and almost non-stop communication why should you pay attention to body language?
A new study this week offers up some insights.
“We still use body language because that’s the way our brains worked (eons) years ago when we first became human,” King said. “That brain is still ticking away; all research based on evolutionary psychology demonstrates that we are living in the 21st century with that same ancestral brain. This is what is called hard wiring. We still have the same bodily workshop. We just do different stuff in that workshop.”
“Body language is not an either-or situation,” adds Dennis Kravetz, a Scottsdale-Ariz.-based psychologist who specializes in male-female communication and body language. “If speech is more sophisticated than body language, then why haven’t chimps, dogs, and other animals developed speech as part of their evolutionary history? Rather, body language enhances communication.”
Here are some suggestions for enhancing your body language for maximum impact. As I’m in the “getting laid and finding love” arena, I know that an understanding of what your body is saying to others makes a monstrous impact in having others respond in a romantic way.
1. Remember first impressions are still key. Smile, hand out, well groomed and open gets you noticed.
2. Practice your posture. I once took a presentation course that had us look at ourselves on video. The presenters that were straight and looked right at the camera were the ones that passed the course. Just saying…
3. Pretending to be confident (even when you are feeling tentative) can actually increase your hormone level. Research at Harvard and Columbia Business Schools shows that simply holding your body in expansive, “high-power” poses (leaning back with hands behind the head and feet up on a desk, or standing with legs and arms stretched wide open) for as little as two minutes stimulates higher levels of testosterone — the hormone linked to power and dominance — and lower levels of cortisol, a stress hormone.
4. Look like your listening. Practice active listening skills. Nod, eye contact (right out of Make friends and Influence people), and immediately shake hands. Bill Clinton spoke of his practicing connecting with people as early as grade 7. It’s how you build legendary charm.
5. Watch your feet. Hands and facial reactions may be guarded but feet can be unrehearsed. Under stress, people will often display nervousness and anxiety through increased foot movements. Feet will fidget, shuffle and wind around each other or around the furniture. Feet will stretch and curl to relieve tension, or even kick out in a miniaturized attempt to run away.

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Great suggestions for sexy date nights with your sweetie this summer.

For many of the couples I work with trying to find time to connect sensually is challenging. Life gets in the way. Between work, kids, extended families, housework, friends, and community commitments romance time takes a back seat. I’ve long preached the importance of a regular, standing date night. In our house we always book something fun, and sensuous at least once a week. Intimate time needs to be a habit. If you go too long without connecting in a sensuous way it becomes awkward. That elephant in the room and it’s easier just to go to bed. However couples that don’t have sex start to feel disconnected. They begin to think they are roommates, or “friends who parent”. I think date nights are one of the five things that couples NEED to do to stay married. It’s way cheaper than hiring my brilliant sister-in-law the divorce attorney.
So what can you do to keep that heat? To this end I’m posting an up-to-date list of ideas about great, sensuous date nights that don’t cost a fortune, but help create come fun and intimate connections. I’m going to try and add 5 new ideas a quarter so keep coming back and reading the newsletters. If you need me to help you by setting up a timetable and “cracking the whip” so to speak, I would be happy to do so. I’m covered by all group health insurance plans so it’s essentially FREE. Send me a note now to suem@rogers.com. Whether by phone or in person, I’ll get you back on track.
I won’t promise that these tips will change your life, but I will say that if you leave them in the bathroom with a few pages highlighted, you may be surprised about how open your partner is to trying new things….
1. Drive around naked (or under a towel or wrap with nothing else on). Find a place to go parking that is off the beaten path. In Ontario cars are considered private property, and you have the expectation of privacy if you are well away from other people in a secluded environment. Speaking of naked, try nude sunbathing on one of the clothing optional beaches or campgrounds in Canada. They are safe, slightly naughty and I bet there is one near you. check out the www.fcn.ca, or www.aanr.com for a spot near you.
2. Picnics and outdoor sex generally crank up the endorphins. The best story I heard was from a 85 year old couple who always had weekly picnics. In the backyard during the summer and in the living room in the winter. They considered their picnic basket one of their most prized possessions.
3. Do it yourself bondage. By placing two hands in a pillow case behind your back and lying down, your own body weight safely and easily traps your hands for quick immobilization. Cheap handcuffs from the dollar store have a universal key and are easy to get out of. Simple, and I bet you haven’t tried a set in ages.
4. Canadian Tire or hardware store sex toys. Visit the house wares and get a “massager” that plugs into the wall. 110 volts makes the best sex toys. Try a drop sheets can be used for rolling around in oil, practicing squirting, and playing with chocolate body paint. Paint brushes for warm oil, ceiling hook to attach the rope too….whatever floats your boat.
5. Shop online for sex toys. Even if you don’t buy anything read about what’s new. My favourite these days are www.pinkcherry.com and who would have thought, Amazon are all decent sites. Sex toy shops in person in your ‘hood often have great classes where you can learn everything from Japanese rope bondage, to making your own sex toys.
6. Dollar store shopping. Cheap paintbrushes for writing on your body in oil, water based paints for getting really creative, water balloons (get wet inside and out), lightest sandpaper for a full body scruffing, and small LED flashlights (for playing gynecologist). Try something fun and add it to your tickle trunk.
7. Douche bags to clean out vaginas (and separate ones for rectums). With warm water, it helps clean out every orifice and makes the way clear for loads of oil and lube for vaginal play or anal sex. The ones I bought from the drug store are called vaginal syringes. They make you feel clean and fresh. I use a little vinegar and water and am far more likely to get frisky if I know my partner will find me pleasant.
8. Butterscotch instant pudding. Or chocolate, vanilla or anything that tickles your fancy or your taste buds. 5 minutes and you’ve got a fun activity. I use it in combination with the drop sheet. More women I know have tried oral sex with pudding than anything else. Just saying…
9. Adventure camping – White-water rafting, bungee jumping or anything that gets your adrenaline pumping will kick start things in the bedroom. The new study from Rutgers university supports all the earlier research that adrenaline bonds, and increases your testosterone levels.
10. Tea and ice cubes- The combination of the hot and cold on your genitals can be quite the sensation. Simple fun and erotic things you can add to spice things up this weekend.
It may be as simple as picking up a bottle of wine. The important thing is that even a $1 novelty item in the bedroom helps peak your interest. Set aside a date time and talk to your partner. It’s worth it.
If you want to look into pre-made date nights, consider joining the Ducklings! We are a social date-night group where the activities are planned for you. Idiot-proof romance and fun!

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4 tips to keep your relationship hot by dealing with your emotional baggage


Everyone comes into a relationship with sensitivities from a previous relationship. Even if it is your first great love you may have dealt with tempers, substance abuse, parental infidelities that impact yor current relationship.
The key to keeping it hot going forward is to own your past and not to let it get the best of you going forward.
1. You have an ex with a bad temper.
This means you are skittish about conflict. Realize conflict happens in all relationships. It’s about how you fight- not that you fight. You need to stop it before it gets ugly or anyone says something you don’t want to say. But you also have to understand that running away or pulling back at the first sign of frustration also doesn’t work. I remind my patients of the adage “the calmest person in the room always wins”.
2. Your previous partner cheated.
This means you are going to be distrustful and look into anything that might not seem kosher overly closely. Declare this upfront. And mention that ambivalent of wishy-washy information will cause your antennae to come up. Even if they are completely innocent.
3. Your ex made negative comments about how you looked.
Remind yourself that person was a dweeb. Usually it was because they are insecure and needed to put you down in order to feel better. If you don’t have a guy that tells you that you are beautiful LEAVE. Hwever don’t be insecure with your new one always fishing for compliments. Do go to the gym, the spa and do things to look good. It’s important to feel good in you own skin. The opposite sex finds that sexier above all.
4. Your past relationships have hit the bottle too hard.
You have to understand your values in this department. In my books there is a zero tolerance for things like being impaired at work, or when you have to drive, or being responsible for kids. On the other hand drinking responsibly with friends is fine. You need to outline your comfort level and remove yourself if you aren’t comfortable. Be realistic and don’t project. But also know that substance abuse is a deal breaker in any relationship as the partner will be at the emotional age of a teenager.
I’m working on a blog about “best hacks that psychologists use on themselves to fix their own emotional issues”.
A quick cheat sheet is that my top three are:
1. Emotional Freedom technique. Tapping on the trigger points to have your brain re-process emotion. Read about it.
2. Meditation. I’m a big fan of Dan Harris and his model about pulling together both sides of the brain in 5 minutes a day. Check out his book called Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics.
3. Passion pursuits. Find something, anything that gives you a charge. I’m a beekeeper. I have a friend who is in a ukulele band. It keeps you from being boring.

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Why do some women always seem to get the guy? The secrets revealed.


I had lunch with a woman I knew from University this week. She was one of those women who wasn’t classically beautiful, heavy around the hips, ordinary job but had men follow her every move. I remember wondering what she had that “got the guy”. It seems not much has changed. She has a handsome husband that adores her, but the waiters still hovered.
I remember that #1 best selling book rom the 70’s written by “J” on How to be a sensual woman…
She spoke of seducing Kings an politicians, businessmen to playboys. She spoke of her secret of being inatey sensuous. But how do you learn that?
I’ve seen it in a number of women throughout the years.
The secret?
Four qualities men across the board are looking for. 1. Casual eye contact with great body language. 2. sexiness in spades. 3. Sell how fun they are.  4. Have a duality of vulnerability and toughness.
Relaxed, sensuous, casual and fun. It is an appealing combination that no guy can resist.
One man’s “sexy” may be another man’s fat…
One man’s “sexy” may be another man’s scrawny…
But sexy means that you carry yourself well, dress to be classy but sultry, make eye contact and are generally comfortable in your skin. Happy, doesn’t try too hard, has some depth (ie. kind but no pushover, smart but asks for help, independent but please opn the door). Stop worrying about everything else and feel not think.
A little complicated?
Fun means happy, playful, flexible, independent, spontaneous, upbeat, smile and eye gaze.
Confident, don’t try too hard. But how do you learn this? I have a plan that I am working on with the sexwithSue team and my radio show. Men fall in love with how you make them feel, no with you.
Happy playful sexy. Let’s change the tape in your head.
Stay tuned for the 10 steps to landing the guy you want.

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The therapist's best list for how to tell if a guy really, truly likes you.


We all know that there is times when you wait by the phone to see if a guy you are interested in might call. That second date, the morning after call, or the casual “let’s get together this weekend” call that doesn’t come. You tell yourself that he’s too busy, or forgot. The truth is that a man will climb mountains to get in touch with a woman he likes.
I have a close male friend in his 40’s who is single, employed, good looking, kind and a good catch. I have intimate knowledge that he isn’t gay.  He reguarly has women making suggestions to hook up quite regularly. He was telling me the story about another woman chasing him. Blaik my love was with us and he said “I can sum up the problem in two words -She’s ugly.” The gentleman in question shrugged and said the classic line that “He’s just not that into her, she talks too much”.
So I polled the guys in question and asked “What are the signs that you might be into her?”
Here’s the list:
1. The guy suggest outings or get casual get togethers.  Often more than once.
2. He doesn’t mention other women around you. You know, female friends, co-workers even sisters-in law don’t get ANY air time.
3. He listens to your stories and laughs at your jokes.  You know when you hang on a guy who you like? Same thing here.
4. The body language is easy to read. He flushes, his pupils dilate, he touches your arm, he “pulls up his socks” (I mean it, watch at any bar), stands with his thumbs on his belt hooks (cowpoke style), leans in etc.
5. He gives you his contact information. He might be too nervous to ask for your number, but he will give you his home, work, cell, email, other email and skype contact on the off chance you might call.
6. He does stuff for you. Offers to help you move, puts a stereo in your car, walk you home, lift something, go shopping (my guy wold rather stab a plastic fork into his eye now,  but would go shopping with me when we were dating).
7. Continue the conversation at any cost. He says stupid and inane things just to keep the conversation with you continuing. Runs out of stuff to stay but just hangs around. In fact hovering is one of the true tell-take signs.
8. Will try and get your  attention. This is doing something outrageous – think he’ll go over the top to kill the mosquito in your office, or dress up like batman on Halloween.
9. He’s prepared to wait for sex. I mean it, if you are a booty call and won’t put out he’s moving on. If he likes you, then he’ll hang around even if he’s not getting any.

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Plan B. When your fall back position is hooking up with the ex.


Have you seen the quote today by Elizabeth Hurley? She’s been hanging out with her ex of 13 years, the delectable Hugh Grant. They are learning to speak Italian together, as well as taking guitar and cooking lessons in a friendly competitive way. They are friends, buddies with anyone the other happens to be dating, and has made it public that he is her “fall back guy”.
I really understand that. I have always stayed good friends with my ex’s. I had one in the past who was Godfather to my kids and it was a given that “he would be my soft place to land” if anything happened in my marriage.
She claims word of them “back together” is preposterous.
I think there are a few things you can do to keep it friendly and happy between you and past partners.
1. Know that one person can’t give you everything you need and maybe your ex can fill part of the role,, even as buddies.
2. men will still want to sleep with you. That’s a given, but once they have had you the urgent curiosity diminishes.
3. Men need to be needed. I have a girlfriend that calls her contractor ex-husband when she needs something fixed. She feeds him as a payback.
4. I advise couples who are heading to separation to end a relationship before it gets ugly. Don’t hang on until there are no more good feelings left. Then you have the friendship down the line.
5. Having someone who knows you and your family (and still likes you!) is an asset. You need someone who can be a friend 20 years from now.
Grown ups realize that relationships ebb and flow. Sex you can get. Friends and warmth are rare. My partner and my ex husband go to hockey games, and we all have birthdays and holidays together. Think Bruce and Demi. I like to think that we are just a modern family. And ex’s are just part of that. By understanding that we all need community and someone we can hang out with, you may find the first guy not-so-bad after all.
As Liz says,
“If neither one of us finds lasting love, we are prepared to grow old together.
We’ve often said, if all else fails, we’ll end up living together like Darby and Joan.”

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Why Brent Butt may be the quintessential Canadian male. What women want from men.

www.sexwithsue.com, www.cornergas.com
BrentWhy Brent Butt may be the quintessential Canadian man
I’m coming late to the Brent Butt fan club. Although Corner Gas was the most successful Canadian show ever made, I was too busy to watch it when it aired in prime time. I only began to appreciate its subtle humour and appealing characters through weekend marathons on The Comedy Network, and the magic of a PVC recorder. I started looking at the leading guy, Brent Butt the 40ish, receding haired comic as an example of why Canadian men can be so sexy. And so clueless.
As a relationship therapist, I spend a good chunk of my days interpreting what I call “hooking up behaviours”. These are the insights and stabs in the dark about what we find appealing about our partners, potential partners and the opposite sex in general. “What do women want?” is a common question in my office. No question that much of why men do things is still as Greek to me as it is most women. However, I do think that what women are looking for is a guy like Brent Butt (or his character Brent Leroy). Not bad boys, or sports Gods, but relaxed, guy next door with charm. I think Canadian men are as a rule low key, fun, and sexy in an understated way. And women like this.  In an interview of Brent Butt I found online he names his appeal as “his coffee shop savvy”.  Think of it as a Timmy’s kind of charm. Down home, addictive, and slightly comforting. So how do you become more like Brent Butt (at least if it works to attract women)?
I call them the SHHHS characteristics of what women are looking for in a partner. The top five qualities that Brent and guys who get it have. These are sane Canadian boys. You know, the guys your mother likes, think that the Canadian National anthem should be changed to the Hockey Night in Canada theme. They  know the etiquette at curling bonspiels, and understand the offside rule in football. And they are:
S- safe. You need to discuss how you are liked by kids and puppies, that you buy girl guide cookies and are in no way, a serial axe murderer.
H- hygiene. You MUST be clean and smell nice. Men’s sexual sense is visual (hence all of the black and red lingerie), but women is all about how you smell. Spotlessly clean and subtle cologne works for most women.
H- Humour. Every survey on what women find attractive always lists sense of humour. Make us laugh, and we are putty in your hands.
H- Humilty. This is about being self deprecating and humble. Don’t talk about the size of your boat, mention how you have two left feet and are lousy at volleyball. The ability to poke fun of yourself is one of most men’s endearing qualities.
S- Story – This characteristic is the ability to carry on a conversation, and more importantly, talk in “girl speak”. Women like stories. We like to hear about your favourite ice cream flavour, how you had a pet dog named after Marvin the Martian, and how you embarrassed yourself at karaoke. In his bio, Brent Butt calls “Coffee shop conversation was a great way to learn comedy and connects. It’s relaxed and conversational and the jokes build naturally without forcing them.”
Brent1So this Valentine’s Day, don’t force the issue. Maybe take a second look at the men in the coffee shop “where there’s not a lot going on” is the way to find that guy who can make you laugh so hard you snort your double double out of your nose.