Date nights are mandatory. Imperative. Essential for having the relationship you want.

I was asked a few times about new suggestions for Valentine’s week.

I’m big on watching one of the easy Youtube cooking classes or TikTok food suggestions. Cooking together is sexy.

I love the cheap toys at pink cherry (and you get loyalty points!). You can get a bullet for $2.95, furry handcuffs for $6 and clitoral & penis pumps for $25.

The fun game Taboo has just come out with an adult version. It’s a naughty thing to try on a cold winter’s night. Here are the links for apple ios and android.

I’m also a big fan about sex toys form the hardware store. We had to go in to get a new ice scraper and wandered around with the tieups and drop sheets. We hurried home after that.

The date night we did last week while picking up shwarma was stop in at the local Goodwill store while waiting for the takeout a few stores down. I challenged my partner to find the most inappropriate t shirt in 10 minutes. The favourite one we got my partner ended up sending to his brother. You can also browse the sexy clothing items, or try on hats. It’s about fun and doing something outside your comfort level.

I’m going to make a point to publish a few suggestions every week. Being mindfully sexy with your partner is as important as communicating. I posted the study in December about the reasons why sexy date nights are as significant as communicating with humour, not threatening the relationship, and trying to put your partner’s needs ahead of your own in creating intimacy.

Stay with it. It pays big dividends.

Non-Monogamy class Fall 2021

Wednesday’s from 7 to 9 pm.

Nov 24, Dec 1, Dec 8

Zoom link is attached.

 

This is the course everyone who is dipping a toe in (or diving headlong into) non-monogamy needs to take! This is the tight, informative, interactive workshop lead by Canada’s leading non-monogamy expert. It includes a copy of the workbook the Suburban Hedonist, lots of resources & handouts and a chance to really understand the world of open relationships.

You can read definitions online of what swinging, or polyamory might be outlined as. But what do they really mean?
This course is like being in the best class you have ever attended where everyone has read the book and participated. Read below for details.

The non-monogamous clients tend to be couples in long-term relationships who don’t want to split up but are desperate for more or different sexual experiences and partners. Or singles who know that traditional monogamy hasn’t worked for them. And there is no one-size fits all.

Examples of non-monogamy can be:
~Living with a third (or triad) and how do you deal with that?
~Two couples connecting with each other (quad)
~Heterosexual couple Bringing in an extra male (hot wife)
~Swing clubs where everything from gentle touching on the dance floor to full blown orgies (and everything in between) happens
~Polyamorous. Means to love more than one person. But can be someone who is married and has a girlfriend/boyfriend or more.
~Alternative relationships in all kinds of ways. Asexual while one partner has other sexual interactions, monogamous but in different cities.
~One relationship two dwellings. Or having their own dedicated space within a dwelling.
~Friend with benefits for an occasional hook up
~periodic hall passes.
~Group family or commune.

And so many more examples.
Trying to navigate it is hard. Consider joining us. It’s the tool kit for managing non-monogamy without blowing your relationship up.

Every Wednesday for 3 weeks from 7 to 8:30 pm.
Cost is $225/couple/single for non-Duckling members, or a mere $100 for paid Duckling members. Membership has it’s privileges.

1. Intros, purpose of workshop, specific models of non-monogamy, ways of finding one’s own voice.

2. Specifics of sharing, Jealousy (Swing, poly and other non-monogamous forms). Rules, what works, contracts etc. Non-Monogamy checklist. What is the wish lists and deal breakers

3. What do you need/want. How do you negotiate that? How do you ask for it and how do you find it? Sharing and tools for understanding boundaries.

4. Group discussion about finding potential partners. A chance to practice skills and role play in a safe way. Stories about successful (and not-so-successful) models of play.

An informal social has happened in the past with the group and will be organized later following the completion of the workshop.

etransfer to ducklings.payment@gmail.com

I’m in the middle of another non-monogamy course only this one due to the pandemic is virtual. Because it’s online, What’s interesting is that there are attendees logging in from all over North America. There are certainly cultural differences about the acceptance and availability of non-monogamy outlets in different parts of the country. The couple from Utah have a very different time of it than a couple from urban Toronto in terms of social acceptance & options to meet other like-minded people. But what remains the same no matter where you are from is the issue of jealousy in non-monogamous relationships. There is a worry that couples can’t explore any kind of sexual novelty (no matter how mild) without feeling the gut-punch of jealousy.

I have a deck that I’m working on this morning talking about how to work through those feelings. I think it’s important for all couples to have tools to work through one of the most difficult issues that comes up in non-monogamy discussions. I’ve devoted a whole evening in our 12 hour course to jealousy.

If you are starting this journey I’m encouraging you to look at taking the course. I’ll be running another one soon (make sure you sign up on my newsletter or join the Ducklings) but in the meantime for less than $30 you can download the whole course to watch with your partner.

The course talks about the role of communication, boundaries, contracts, meeting other people for play, breakups, conflict & certainly jealousy. It’s also mainly about  authenticity.

It’s about knowing what triggers you, where your pain comes from (often fear of abandonment), and how to navigate those feelings.

If your partner gets jealous here are the steps (loosely borrowed from Kathy Labriola’s jealousy workbook) that might help start the conversation.

Step 1. Shut up and listen. Don’t be defensive. Let them talk.

Step 2. Ask for clarification & specifics on how they are feeling. Are they angry, sad/hurt, or afraid?

Step 3. Allow them to feel the way they feel. If they are feeling it, it’s real for them.

Step 4. Identify your role in the problem. Have you crossed a line? Even if you didn’t know it was there.

Step 5. Ask for the floor & express your side of the story.

Step 6. Think carefully before you rush in & change things. Don’t rush in and say you will give up play or change everything. Jealousy is like any emotion it ebbs & flows.

I also know that this too shall pass. The first time feels like a trigger the size of a dinosaur, but after time, familiarity, communication, and benefits it may only feel like a mosquito.

I do lots of work individually (over zoom or facetime) to help clients figure out what’s going on for them. It’s effective, quick, & inexpensive. We can figure out what’s going on for you. Consider booking an appointment with me to sort it out. We’ve got this.

There is a great article in the Guardian today that talks about the new top American spy Avril Haines who has just been confirmed to lead all 16 of the US intelligence services. Apparently besides being a pilot, physicist, mechanic, judo expert, she also read erotica at a brothel she and her partner owned in Baltimore. She is unapologetic about the need for the erotic in the modern world.

“In Fells Point, a formerly dodgy area of Baltimore that was gentrifying, the shop succeeded, through hard work and innovations like erotic literature evenings upstairs in the former brothel, where Haines would read extracts.

She defined the genre to the Baltimore Sun in 1995 as as “everything that’s repressed, guttural, instinctual, chaotic and creative”.

“Erotica has become more prevalent because people are trying to have sex without having sex,” Haines said. “Others are trying to find new fantasies to make their monogamous relationships more satisfying … What the erotic offers is spontaneity, twists and turns. And it affects everyone.”

As part of staying connected to my sex-positive social group the Ducklings we have set up Zoom erotic bedtime stories a few times a month. It regularly attracts more than 50 listeners to erotic passages, poetry, and written stories from members. It’s for couples, singles, triads, friends & comes across as warm, inclusive, and incredibly intimate. Erotica – and the passages people pick to read- allows us to get to know acquaintances faster than just about anything else. Sex is close to the bone and reflects who we are as real people.

If you haven’t read erotica I invite you to join in on one of our erotic reading nights by Zoom. It’s free and welcoming. Otherwise read some of the best sex scenes in some classic literature and see if there is anything that resonates. Sex and our sexuality is part of the human condition. And as Avril Haines summarizes, “erotica affects everyone”.

List of safe dates you can try

As it gets colder it is definitely harder. There are a few drive-in (check out Wesley Clover) or you can make your own with friends by projecting movies to the side of buildings.  The great zoo (Saunder’s Little Critters) is closing for the season but Parc Omega in Montebello is open. I strongly recommend the Bistro in Montebello for a safe (and excellent) lunch ahead of time.

Walks in the amazing Perth park off mainstreet with cute restaurants and my favourite the new chocolate and coffee store.

Bundle up and go to Blakeney on the Mississippi a few minutes west of Almonte. It was my High School make out spot and a sheltered, nature spot and small Provincial park.

Walks along the Fletcher Wildlife Centre on Prince of Wales. I would get mugs of coffee and walk the less travelled side of the arboretum. It’s easy and free to park there.

More expensive dates on Elgin Street includes the back patio of the Whalebone, or Al’s Steak House which has plasticized, outside areas with heaters.

There are a few vineyards that are still kicking.  Smokie Ridge outside of Kemptville is doing tastings, as is Kinsip right in Carp. Friday night Kinsip has a date night where you can bring in food and picnic near the heaters. Here is the list. Local wineries to add to your hit list include Jabulani Vineyard & Winery, Domaine Perrault Winery(link is external), Vignoble Clos du Vully(link is external), and KIN Vineyards(link is external).

Mountain Orchards in Kemptville can let you apple pick on a nice day and offers food, donuts, and lots of fun mazes to try.

Le Nordik is still open. Smaller crowds and it changes based on what’s going on in Quebec but a fun way to spend a day.

Speaking of mazes, Saunders Farm in Munster is still open to buy pumpkins and walk the mazes before the snow flies.

And if you are feeling Christmasy, go for a fun day at the Christmas season at the Log Cabin Orchard. They will have fresh cut trees for you to take home, churros, Apple butter, Apple pies, Christmas decorations, a bon fire…and more.

 

Then there was the trip to Brockville to walk the train tunnel and get (arguably) some of best fish and chips anywhere at Don’s Fish & Chips right near the waterfront.

 

And then there are the Try a recipe together. Or make complementary  dishes and do porch drop offs.

Or if you have another couple in your bubble it is time to go back to our parent’s house parties where they played games like scrabble, Probe or maybe Cards Against Humanity?

 

Soon the Christmas lights will be on downtown and you can walk and warm up in different stores with your fetching masks.

    Despite the belief that most people are even having sex or want to be truth be told that lack of partners and inhibitions about sex often impact sexual behaviour. In the 50’s Alfred Kinsey found that up to 19 percent of adults do not engage in sex. This varies by gender and marriage status, and the upside of marriage and cohabitation is that you get laid more often than the single folks.
    But for the people who do not seek out sex what’s going on? If sex is the second most powerful drive why aren’t people trying to hook up?
    It’s not that there are so many people who are asexual. Yes, there are some asexual adults out there but in 25 years I’ve not met many. And yes finding partners to get naked with can sometimes be problematic. If you are in a remote location, you missed that class in High School when they explained how to pick up potential partners, you are stuck at home with aging parents and small kids or other logistics can keep you from getting laid.
    But for many people sexual, medical issues or anxiety about sex holds us back from having sex. I know clients who are so worried about premature ejaculation that they will not date. Being a “one-minute guy” is so embarrassing that they will not follow up with a sexual invitation because in their minds the interlude will end in disaster. Or the idea that being seen naked in bright light for many women is so terrifying that they slam the door on their own pleasure.
    Are you one of the 19% not having sex? Is it because you are held back for some reason?
    Is it that you can’t find a partner? Some of the common reasons people are avoidant about searching sex out include:
    -Erectile dysfunction
    -Chronic medical conditions
    -past abuse
    -Fear of pregnancy
    -fear of sti’s, heart attack, or just germy people
    -Chronic pain
    -diabetes, obesity
    -Personality disorders
    -Addiction
    -Poor sleep quality
    -medications (anti-depressants)
    -Shame, guilt
    -penis size
    -Hormonal issues
    -Worry about being too old for sex
    -Sexual anorexia – (too much pornography abuse)
    It may be time to get some help. I have a $500 plan to guarantee you dates. I can treat body image challenges, sexual anxiety, things like premature ejaculation that leaves you fearful. Let’s talk about how to move you past this place.

    I was asked recently if I had a list of sex things to try during this time of Covid-19 and self isolation with a partner. With time together, stress to burn off having a list of activities that you can check off as a Hell yes, Fuck no or a solid maybe is a great starting point.
    Sexual communication is a very under rated skill. In my opinion, it’s best to have conversations about sex when the pressure is removed. I suggest bringing up the conversation when you are on a walk or over the breakfast table. Bringing up sex while you are about to have it isn’t always the best place to get the response you were hoping for. Send you partner this list. Or do the online list at Mojo Upgrade that will send your partner your answers. If you are struggling to find a way to communicate sexually with your partner you may benefit with a few sessions of online therapy to set up the ground rules. It can be one or two sessions and may make a world of difference.

    (Activities are listed in alphabetical order.) Can you write a yes, no or maybe?
    1. Anal Sex
    2. Anal Play
    3. Attend a Sex Party
    4. Bath Together
    5. Bondage
    6. Blindfolded Sex
    7. Breast Play
    8. Costumes
    9. Cyber Sex
    10. Delaying Gratification
    11. Dirty Sex Talk
    12. Domination & Submission
    13. Dry Humping
    14. Erotic Massage
    15. Erotic Food Play
    16. Erotica – Watching
    17. Erotica – Reading
    18. Erotica – Writing
    19. Exhibitionism
    20. Fantasy Play
    21. Fun with Fetishes
    22. Going Commando
    23. Go Parking
    24. Go Skinny Dipping
    25. Go to a Strip Club – As a Couple
    26. Go to a Sex Club – As a Couple
    27. Group Sex/Swinger’s Club
    28. Hair Pulling
    29. Have Loud Sex/Have Quiet Sex
    30. Have Sex Three Times in One Day
    31. Have Sex Every Day for One Month
    32. Kissing
    33. Kitchen Sex
    34. Lap Dance – Give
    35. Lap Dance – Receive
    36. Licking Various Body Parts
    37. Lingerie Shopping – As a Couple
    38. Make Out Session – No Intercourse for at Least an Hour
    39. Masturbation – Solo
    40. Masturbation – Mutual
    41. Middle-of-the-Night Sex
    42. New Sex Locations
    43. New Sex Positions
    44. Office Sex
    45. Oral Sex
    46. Orgasm at the Same Time
    47. Outdoor Sex
    48. Phone Sex
    49. Playful Restraint
    50. Play Sex Games
    51. Pornography – Watching
    52. Pornography – Making your Own
    53. Pose Naked for the Camera
    54. Quickies
    55. Role-Play
    56. Rough Sex
    57. Sensual Biting
    58. Sexting
    59. Sex Against a Wall
    60. Shaving Each Other’s Genitals
    61. Shop at a Sex Shop – Alone
    62. Shop at a Sex Shop – As A Couple
    63. Shower Sex
    64. Skip Work to Have Sex
    65. Slow, Sensual Sex
    66. SM (Erotic Pain Play)
    67. Spanking
    68. Strip Tease
    69. Tantric Sex
    70. Thirty Minutes or More of Foreplay
    71. Threesome
    72. Trigger a Non-Genital Orgasm (It IS possible!)
    73. Use Sex Toys – On Self
    74. Use Sex Toys – On Partner
    75. Voyeurism
    As you consider ways to add variety to your sex life, keep in mind that you’ll achieve greater success and confidence through a series of small changes rather than jumping right into radical sex. Take your time, experiment, explore and most of all…enjoy the journey!♥

    Practice gratitude in your relationship: Turn your mindful attention towards all you are grateful for about your partner. Here are some prompts to get you started:
    What about them makes you smile most?
    What do you admire most about your partner?
    What characteristic of their personality or way of being is most endearing to you?
    What about your partner inspires you most?
    What was one of the first things you noticed about them that drew you to the partnership?
    Recall one of your most meaningful times together. What did your partner do or say that was so impactful, and what does that reveal about the core of who they are?
    Finding ways to stay connected, be genuine and make sure your partner feels loved is a priority in relationships. I know it’s hard to find time to be a couple. But it’s mandatory. I offer up lists on both sexual and non-sexual ways to create intimacy. I have sexual hypnosis and some of the mindfulness aps to help get out of your head. It’s not long, drawn out therapy. It’s solving any sexual problem quickly and efficiently.   Reach out to me and let me help you stay connected to your partner. It’s what I do every day.

    I was standing at Subway and talking about the weather with the woman making my sub. I mentioned that it’s much cooler outside and she concluded that it means “it’s the season for love. In the summer it’s too hot to rub up against someone”, as she loads my 6-inch turkey with spinach.
    Fall is in the air. It’s time for big sweaters, football games, Halloween shopping, and closing up the cottage.
    Planning a date night with your partner may have gotten lost in the shuffle. It’s time to pick a few ideas and plan something before homework piles up and the freezing rain starts.

    1. Apple picking. It’s in every romantic comedy for a reason. It allows you to gather food together, lets him reach the tall branches and makes amazing apple crisp. It’s also private enough to start smooching somewhere away from prying eyes.
    2. In keeping with this there is always the pumpkin patch or corn maze, and haunted house/hayride. Those are great!
    3. Send them text bombs or random questions. Make them into paper airplanes, leave them on the bathroom mirror or in their wallets. It’s a fun thing to do if you have some time and want to find something out about your partner you don’t know.
      • What’s something you always wanted to do as a child but never got to do it?
      • If you were in a witness protection program, what would be your new name and where would you go?
      • If you could get away with a crime, would you? If yes, what would it be?
      • Who was your first celebrity crush?
    4. Find the country fairs! Check out the homemade pies, look at the 4 H club livestock judging, go on a merry-go-round, and take in a local band. This is the time of year and there is one on every weekend.
    5. Small town adventure. We went with the group of Ducklings to a small, nearby town (Buckingham) where we had a morning of corset shopping as a group and then went for cider. We had a blast. Many lingerie stores have big chairs for your partner to sit in while you come out and model. Check out the lingerie pictures on our meetup site.
    6. Speaking of shopping, I love trying on Halloween costumes this time of year. You can dress up in all kinds of costumes (prison warder, cowboy, pirate) and play out the fantasies. They are only around until Nov 1st so get busy with a skanky costume this month!
    7. Take one of the couple’s cooking classes. Around here the Loblaw’s cooking schools or LCBO classes are fabulous. There is also one every Tuesday night at the Independent at Bank and Somerset where you get a $10 gift card for the $10 class. Loved their pizza making. Playing with dough was sexy.
    8. Try making a fort. Inside or outside it will bring back the kid in you. And the fun things you can do inside one…
    9. Brewery tours and whiskey festivals. They are on and often have that pumpkin spice added to their microbrew. Yum. And those scotch/whiskey/wine shows. Perfect pick up place.

    And if you aren’t in a relationship this is the time of year when more people start thinking about making changes to their love lives. In my career I’ve written over 400 dating ads and have matched over 100 people. I went to six weddings this year alone of couples who I had a hand in introducing.
    If you are ready to do something about your stalled love life then reach out to me. I book in person, Skype and phone sessions. Make the change now.

    The science is compelling. And there is a reason that products derived from the cannabis plant are becoming legal all over North America. Not only are the studies coming back with great results.
    The new THC massage oil is magic for women experiencing pain, tightness, discomfort around sex.
    CBD the anti-inflammatory oil (which gives you NO high just pain relief) has been shown to reduce pain and is a great tool for dealing with pelvic pain. But the THC massage oil is a localized “happy oil” for your genitals. I’ve tried quite a few both personally and with clients. It’s especially effective for women who describe their vagina as “tight”.  There is an online recipe (for the try-this-at-home) folks.
    We can’t keep it in stock. Go see your doctor and get a prescription.
    If you are dealing with painful sex and want to talk about oils,  and all the latest suggestions on dealing with vaginal pain then i encourage you to set up an appointment. We can often deal with it in one visit.


    Lately I’m seeing more and more sad, overwhelmed and troubled people in my office. As a Sex and Relationship Therapist I spend most of my day talking about genitals (and how they rub together) and how to increase the amount of connection and intimacy with your partner. I don’t specialize in anxiety, depression, family of origin work but I have clients whose trauma and life stress are spilling over into their relationships.
    Women especially are overwhelmed, and self medicating to deal with the unmanageable parts of their lives. We hear lots about balance, self-care and “getting rid of baggage” but how do you actually do that?
    Here are some suggestions from the PTSD experts.
    On the journey from “Heal Thyself” to “Healthy Self,” remember:
    1. We must be willing to choose to grow up and become the fully embodied Self; to own all of who we are – the good, the bad, and the ugly; to blow the lid off of exploitation, oppres­sion, and fear; and to know that, to be empowered, we must embrace our darkest hours as deeply as we do our brightest moments. It all matters. It all makes us who we are.
    2. There is no shame in being human. There is no shame in being flawed and im­perfect. There is no shame in telling the truth.
    3. It takes courage to do what must be done. It takes courage to be an adult in this world. It takes courage to be your Self – all of you!
    4. We need to accept, forgive, and love ourselves rather than hate, despise, and humiliate. Shaming yourself for what you’ve been taught to believe is a “bad or unacceptable” version of you will only keep you disempowered. Fragmented. Broken.
    5. We need to learn from the most wounded parts of us by shining light on them, listening to what they need more or less of, then encouraging them to ascend and expand rather than shrivel and die.
    6. Expanding our emotional edges takes self-awareness, courage, and willingness. We have to pull our heads out of the sand and wake up!
    Basically it means writing, reading, listening, talking, getting counseling, support for all the pieces inside you that are fragmented. Pushing it down will only work for awhile. And you are worth it.
    Hugs

    I love these suggestions! I use pinkcherry.ca (they give me loyalty points) and are inexpensive!
    Under $10
    · Romantic Rose Petals ($3.99) – It is Valentine’s Day after all, why not bring some romance into the bedroom tonight? Spread these romantic rose petals around your bed and set the tone for a passionate lovefest.
    · Trojan Ultra Thin Condoms 3 Count ($5.99) – Safety first! Unless you’re more interested in getting a U Check Pregnancy Test…. ($4.99)
    · Edible Crotchless Gummy Panties (5.99) – Your partner doesn’t need to be the only snack in the bedroom tonight. Turn yourself into a tasty treat with these yummy Edible Gummy Undies. These delicious candy undies are a sexy way to satisfy your lover’s sweet tooth, available in peach, strawberry and watermelon flavors.
    · Fetish Fantasy Series Beginner’s Metal Cuffs ($5.99) – Hey, beginners all have to start somewhere right? These metal cuffs are perfect for bondage novices yet strong enough for even Houdini. The locking mechanism has a quick-release button in case you lose the key, and their sturdy design ensures they’re made to play hard.
    · Ultimate Roll Bedroom Dice ($6.99) – Not sure how to spend Valentine’s night? Why not… roll the dice. In this game of chance, there are no losers. Dice Include: Foreplay Activities, Fun Props, Oral Sex Positions and Sex Positions.
    · JO All in One Warming Massage Glide ($4.99) – It’s getting hot in here! Use this as a massage oil to get the party started, then use it as lube to conveniently slip into something more comfortable – like the person next to you. Plus, it warms as you use it, like a hot tub, in your hands… or pants!