There is a great article about how using common fantasies to keep you mentally and sexually healthy. It talks about using sex as a source of meditation, and fantasies as a way to soothe yourself when your sex life is less than robust. I am currently working on a erotic short story collection from my date night group the Ducklings that has garnered way more interest than it would if we weren’t in lock down.
Fantasies (everything from Bridgerton to erotic stories) are on the rise during the pandemic. According to an April study from the Kinsey Institute of 1,559 adults that investigated how the pandemic is impacting our sex lives, it seems many are indeed getting imaginative.
“Some of the fantasies that topped the list in terms of frequency were things like previous sexual experiences, getting non-sexual needs met, breaking lockdown or quarantine orders to have sex, and sex with exes,” says Kristen Mark, PhD, a sex researcher involved in the Kinsey Institute’s ongoing study of sex and relationships in the time of COVID and advisor to sexual coaching app Coral. “Those top fantasies aren’t necessarily different from pre-COVID, but what’s different is that someone who may normally fantasize about super-graphic sexual stuff may find themselves fantasizing about getting their emotional needs met or more romantic kissing scenes, and vice versa.”
When clients come to see me as a Sex Therapist it’s passion they are longing to increase. The challenge is that passion thrives with a bit of mystery, space, creativity, and looking our sexy bests. These things are in short supply when we are spending 24/7 together in our yoga pants. I talk about how keeping sex spicy 5, 10, 15 years in requires work & mindfulness. You can’t treat your sex life casually and expect it to keep the passion up decades later. Dealing with kids, having no time for sex, and feeling disconnected in my first marriage taught me how important it was to be attentive to desire & fantasy in my relationships. And I talk about sex for a living.
Here’s what I do to maintain the sexual spontaneity.
- Have a budget for sex toys. I spend $60 a month at pink cherry (mainly in their blowout section) and it keeps a constant supply of new, crazy & creative things in my closet to try.
- I schedule sex. I send my partner (who is often working in the next room) a meeting invite for sex. Anything important in my life I schedule.
- Erotic bedtime stories with your partner. We schedule a reading virtual every third Sunday. Join in.
- Stay clean. Hygiene is vitally important for most people – especially women. If you are showered we will want to jump you.
- Coconut oil is your friend. Moisture triggers women to want to be sexual. As do erections with men. Consider a virtual call to your doctor for some Cialis or Viagra if ED has crept into your sex life. They really work for most men.
- Write down some fantasies. See if you can talk about them with your partner or at least leave them out for them to read.
- If you are without your partner (or don’t have one) make sure masturbation and thinking about sex is part of your weekly routine. There is loads of truth to the adage of “use it or lose it”.
I’ve got a new book to share to clients and 
I’ve been writing the article about the most common male and female sexual fantasies for the new Couples Workshop we are doing this spring. We had a great time brainstorming about possible fantasies with the group last week. Police office and co-workers topped the list. Just saying.
For many of the couples I work with trying to find time to connect sensually is challenging. Life gets in the way. Between work, kids, extended families, housework, friends, and community commitments romance time takes a back seat. I’ve long preached the importance of a regular, standing date night. In our house we always book something fun, and sensuous at least once a week. Intimate time needs to be a habit. If you go too long without connecting in a sensuous way it becomes awkward. That elephant in the room and it’s easier just to go to bed. However couples that don’t have sex start to feel disconnected. They begin to think they are roommates, or “friends who parent”. I think date nights are one of the five things that couples NEED to do to stay married. It’s way cheaper than hiring my brilliant sister-in-law the divorce attorney.
