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Hottest sex trends you can expect to see in 2023

It’s the start of a new year and time to explore the latest and hottest sex trends for 2021. From ethical non-monogamy to pegging to vibrators made from recyclable materials, here’s what you should know about the upcoming year in sex.

Ethical non-monogamy is rising in popularity, as more and more people are beginning to explore the idea that their attitudes to non-monogamy may have been shaped by societal expectations rather than innate biological needs. It’s not for everyone, but it’s worth exploring what it means to you as a part of your sexual adventure.

Ethical Non-Monogamy

Sexual Adventures

Sexual adventures are an important part of exploring one’s sexual identity. Women are in particular showing an increased interest in researching and exploring new opportunities, and men can join in too! Sex and disability awareness is also rising, as the world slowly becomes more open to the idea of adaptive technology and its potential benefits.

Environmentally Friendly Sex Toys

This is an area of sexual wellness which is becoming more inclusive and diverse. We are seeing more sex toys made from recyclable materials such as metal, glass, and bamboo. Hetero-flexibility is also beginning to emerge in swing set environments, with bisexual men being increasingly visible.

Sex Toys

Pegging is becoming more popular, with toys available to make it easier and more accessible for everyone to enjoy. Similarly, environmentally friendly materials are making sex toy experimentation more pleasurable and less wasteful.

Conclusion

These are just some of the trends you can look out for in 2021 as it relates to sex. It’s important to remain open minded and remember that ultimately your attitudes to sex are in your control, so never be afraid to explore different ways of experience pleasure if it’s something you are interested in.

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Common fantasies during lock down. How to keep it hot despite living in sweat pants

There is a great article about how using common fantasies to keep you mentally and sexually healthy. It talks about using sex as a source of meditation, and fantasies as a way to soothe yourself when your sex life is less than robust. I am currently working on a erotic short story collection from my date night group the Ducklings that has garnered way more interest than it would if we weren’t in lock down.

Fantasies (everything from Bridgerton to erotic stories) are on the rise during the pandemic. According to an April study from the Kinsey Institute of 1,559 adults that investigated how the pandemic is impacting our sex lives, it seems many are indeed getting imaginative.

“Some of the fantasies that topped the list in terms of frequency were things like previous sexual experiences, getting non-sexual needs met, breaking lockdown or quarantine orders to have sex, and sex with exes,” says Kristen Mark, PhD, a sex researcher involved in the Kinsey Institute’s ongoing study of sex and relationships in the time of COVID and advisor to sexual coaching app Coral. “Those top fantasies aren’t necessarily different from pre-COVID, but what’s different is that someone who may normally fantasize about super-graphic sexual stuff may find themselves fantasizing about getting their emotional needs met or more romantic kissing scenes, and vice versa.”

When clients come to see me as a Sex Therapist it’s passion they are longing to increase. The challenge is that passion thrives with a bit of mystery, space, creativity, and looking our sexy bests. These things are in short supply when we are spending 24/7 together in our yoga pants. I talk about how keeping sex spicy 5, 10, 15 years in requires work & mindfulness. You can’t treat your sex life casually and expect it to keep the passion up decades later. Dealing with kids, having no time for sex, and feeling disconnected in my first marriage taught me how important it was to be attentive to desire & fantasy in my relationships. And I talk about sex for a living.

Here’s what I do to maintain the sexual spontaneity.

  1. Have a budget for sex toys. I spend $60 a month at pink cherry (mainly in their blowout section) and it keeps a constant supply of new, crazy & creative things in my closet to try.
  2. I schedule sex. I send my partner (who is often working in the next room) a meeting invite for sex. Anything important in my life I schedule.
  3. Erotic bedtime stories with your partner. We schedule a reading virtual every third Sunday. Join in.
  4. Stay clean. Hygiene is vitally important for most people – especially women. If you are showered we will want to jump you.
  5. Coconut oil is your friend. Moisture triggers women to want to be sexual. As do erections with men. Consider a virtual call to your doctor for some Cialis or Viagra  if ED has crept into your sex life. They really work for most men.
  6. Write down some fantasies. See if you can talk about them with your partner or at least leave them out for them to read.
  7. If you are without your partner (or don’t have one) make sure masturbation and thinking about sex is part of your weekly routine. There is loads of truth to the adage of “use it or lose it”.
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So bored of the sex we have I want to scream! Why women are not speaking up about sexual excitement.

There is a great book that came out last year by Wednesday Martin called Untrue that explored (and blew up with research) the myths of female sexuality. Women only want romance, that they don’t like sex, and are happy with intercourse. As a young woman, I used to feel like a freak because none of the “truisms” about sex ever applied to me. I wanted wild, diverse, creative, passionate sex as often as I could get it.

Untrue outlined how women want sexual adventure far more than men. And how our sexuality is far more elusive and evasive that we knew. And that nobody tells you that keeping things hot and spicy 5, 10, 20 years into a relationship may be one of the hardest parts of staying married for decades.

As a Sex Therapist, I speak to women who don’t want sex. Much of that is physical (menopause, hormones, stress) some is relationships (I don’t like my partner), and much is that I’m so bored with doing the same thing over & over. Or I don’t get off by anything other that masturbating with my toy. Younger women are more likely speak up sexually. But anyone over 40 comes from a generation of women thinking “is it over yet?”

This comment was in the Guardian (one of my favourite newspapers)

“For two years now, I’ve been deceiving my husband. He thinks I still enjoy sex with him – in reality, it bores me stiff and leaves me cold. My husband and I always made time to enjoy adventurous sex. I still love him as deeply as ever. To reject him, or suggest that he does without sex, would feel unspeakably cruel. To fake pleasure seems deceitful, so gradually we’ve shifted to the kind of male-centred sex I put up with in my 20s, which speeds things up. He’s not remarked on this shift and I made sure it happened slowly. Perhaps he has guessed the reason why, although I never let my boredom or irritation show.”

It’s a common theme.  And we are struggling to find our voices and ask for what we really need.

Coaching helps you understand, articulate and explore your desires. The choices are to suck it up and live with a dying sex life.  Or find a way to live with incredible passion & fulfillment. If it isn’t fun you won’t want to do it. Let me pend 30 minutes with you, send you piles of resources including 75 different things to do in bed, access to the toy testing council and inexpensive sex toys, & options to join virtual discussions on making sex hot. Let’s talk about it.

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Why having fun makes you sexy

It turns out that having more fun improves your relationships, both in and out of the bedroom.
Research shows that when we have fun with others, these experiences have a positive effect on building trust and developing communication. Having fun gives us an opportunity to connect and be creative. When we laugh together, this sends an external non-verbal message that says: “We are alike, we share values” (Everett, 2011). It can also make us look more vulnerable, but at the same time approachable and friendly, which can help build connections and bonds. That in turns makes us feel more aroused and are more attractive to other partners.
Here is what else it does:
Fun makes us smarter
Fun reduces stress
Finding more fun in physical activity balances your hormone levels
Fun can make you more energetic and youthful
Fun gets you laid.
Join a social group (like the Ducklings) and see the difference it will make in your life.

There are lots of women who want sex more than the men in their lives.

I had posted this article about the new survey suggesting that more than 50% of women want more sex than their husbands.
I had a bunch of feedback from clients including this that I wanted to share.
“Since my husband stopped wanting to have sex I have realized why some people cheat, specifically men. Since our sex life went from 2-3 times a day to once a month if I begged for it, I have felt lonely and unwanted. I crave attention. I want to be wanted more than anything in the entire world. I miss the feel of his hands on me. I miss his lips on my neck. I miss his desire to kiss me every chance he had. I would never be one to cheat on my husband but since our sex life changed I think about it all the time. My craving to get fucked is getting to be almost too much to bare. That look in his eyes, that sexy smile…it’s all gone and I want to feel again what those things used to do to me. Through all of my nights lying awake I realized why I think most men cheat. It is exactly what I am feeling right now but the opposite. It has nothing to do with love or not being attracted to their wife anymore. It is that their wife has shut them out (marriage, babies, busy schedules) and their desire to be needed and wanted has gotten to be too much to bare. And they gave in to those needs. Especially once a woman has a baby their desire to have sex dwindles. And women tend to see a man’s desire to have sex as just that, sex. When in fact their desire to have sex with the woman they fell in love with is no different then a woman’s desire to feel close and intimate with their husband. When the sex stops the intimacy stops. And that is exactly what I am feeling right now. And it has gotten so bad that at this point I almost don’t care where the intimacy comes from, as long as I get it.”
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The 21-word, 5 stage apology that will simplify your life.

Someone recently asked me what the best qualities were to look for in a potential partner. How do you know that when the chemistry wanes (9 to 15 months after you first hook up), that this person is worth the time to invest in a potential relationship? What should you really look for in a person you want to spend your intimate life with?
When you read some of the women’s magazines there is often a check list ranging from being a good provider to owning a toolbelt. For the men I speak to in my therapy sessions, most are “looking for a kind, friendly, sane woman who likes sex, and isn’t boring.”
When I ask groups at large about the best qualities I get responses like; “being great in bed, having an amazing body, Intelligent conversation, sense of humour, drive to achieve things, or great hygiene”. Although those things are important, (sometimes very important), I think self-awareness and a willingness to shift is the number one quality for a potential partner to have.
What I mean by self-awareness is the emotional faculty to see where you are wrong and do something about it. What I do know about relationships after 25 years as a shrink is that if you don’t own your share of a problem and sweep things under the rug you are destined to keep making the same mistake repeatedly.
Everyone screws up. It’s taking responsibility for your behavior and owning your share that gives you the ability to weather life’s challenges as a couple. An unqualified apology and a real desire to fix things is what I try and help clients understand during therapy. Things change. And life is sometimes hard. Being able to reflect and manage your mood is what makes us grown-ups.
The challenge comes if your reality doesn’t see your behavior as out of line. That takes some reflection, someone to bounce things off, and understanding patterns in your previous relationships. If it happened once it could be a personality conflict, if it happens more than once look at who is the common denominator.
It’s easy to wish problems away. It’s harder to know that sometimes your responses aren’t getting you the results that you are looking for.
One of the main tools I suggest using in therapy is an unqualified 5 stage apology. If you get a real, genuine apology and not a deflection then the other person has two choices as to how to respond. To forgive you or to throw you under the bus. A five-stage apology looks like this.
1. Clear regret
2. Understanding how your actions has hurt the other person
3. Making a plan so that it won’t happen again
4. Offering restitution
5. Saying the words.
It’s hard to remember all of that. My brilliant husband teaches how muscle memory practice helps you respond rather than react when you are trying to remember something important. I’ve got the 5 stage apology down to 21 simple words.
Here it is:
I’m sorry. I was wrong. (or moron, idiot, dick etc.) I know I hurt you. It won’t happen again. What can I do to fix this?
It allows you to move forward and come up with a solution. It gives you a starting point to fix ongoing issues. It doesn’t change personality issues or have people become something they are not. But it does allow you to move on core issues in relationships. And that’s worth apologizing for.

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The season of Sex. Great fall date night suggestions to take advantage of snuggling under the covers weather.

Did you know that there is a season for sex? It turns out it’s fall when moose, sheep and apparently people go into mating season and start to rut. There is a Newfie poem with the phrase “when the frost is on the pumpkin now that’s the time for dinky dunking”. It’s not particularly eloquent but it sums up the human reproductive trends.
According to Psychology Today, fertility peaks between 40-60 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s definitely fall weather.
“Human physiology indicates that we are also seasonal breeders. To be more specific, sex hormones, including testosterone, peak in the fall and are at their lowest in the summer. Early researchers made the mistake of focusing mainly on men who have a comparatively weak annual cycle. Women emerge as having a more pronounced increase in testosterone production in the fall that is double their lowest level in the summer (2). This suggests that both sexes would have a higher sex drive in the fall. This is particularly true of women, for whom testosterone is used to boost libido, whereas male testosterone has a less reliable effect on sex drive. Similarly, temperatures lingering mostly between 50 and 70 degrees Fahrenheit are optimal for fertilization, and that corresponds to the cooler fall weather in seasonal countries. One way of interpreting the seasonal effects on human fertility is in terms of the suppression of fertilization when it is very hot (in midsummer) or when it is very cold (in winter).”
That means women are much hornier in the fall. It also means you are more likely to conceive this time of year.
So what can you do to take advantage of the increased sexiness and get women more horizontal?
1. Encourage your partner to wear your jacket or dress shirt. I know we often stretch out the sleeves, but putting pheromones and your masculine scent all over her will make her ovaries start to twitch.
2. Take her costume shopping. Any Halloween store this month is a perfect date night place. They have skanky outfits and it’s the one time of year when you are celebrated for wearing them. They have lots of hunky superhero and viking costumes. And I don’t know any woman who hasn’t fantasized about Robert Downey Jr. as Ironman.
3. Try the corn maze hand in hand. It’s on my bucket list to get lost in one and do naughty things.
4. Find a haunted house. Anything that gets your adrenaline up bonds you as a couple. She will hang onto you.
5. Bonfires and snuggling up around them. They are especially good with one of those pumpkin lattes.
6. Giant leaf piles. When was the last time you rolled in one?
7. We just did one of the local dive through parks where you feed the wildlife carrots from your car. The animals were incredibly active compared to a summer visit. And it’s mating season there too and you might see a reproduction nature documentary in real life.
8. Wine tasting. The harvest is in and the wine is flowing. Our favourite local winemaker (Bluegypsywinery.com) has a chocolate caramel mead (a honey wine) that is called “sex in a glass” and is the best panti-remover around.
9. Get one of those new weighted blankets and snuggle under it. It feels like you are being hugged the entire time you are touching. Makes for great foreplay.
10. Hayrides. We just went on a haunted hayride followed by a bonfire with warm cider. That’s a dating Yatzee. Feel free to beat it.

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Why the need for women (and many men) to connect personally – before they put out sexually


I’m often asked during one of my counseling sessions by confused men “why their partners aren’t interested in sex?” I hear from men who are frustrated that “they need to give a 2 hour massage before they can get laid”. For many women I speak to they are frustrated and often irked by their partners because of normal life issues. And if they are miffed at their guys, usually the last thing they want to do is to get naked with them.
It may not seem fair but the need to feel close and connected is one of the fundamentals for women to get uninhibited in the bedroom. Yes, passion can flair during a one-night-stand, but if you really want to know what buttons to push then making a partner feel noticed, appreciated, and emotionally close will throw open the doors to really hot sex. I don’t think men have to be perfectly behaved 100% of the time but they do have to hit women’s “connection button” before women become more interested in being the sexually open partner their men remember.
While men can compartmentalize sex, most women can’t. Women like to think they can just have sex for sex’s sake, but those pesky hormones get in the way. In the case of feeling loved to be horny, it’s all about oxytocin – the cuddle hormone. Women need to feel bonded to get in the mood. And if their partners have been dumbasses throughout the day they feel disconnected. And for most (although not all) women, fighting turns down their sex drive significantly. That doesn’t mean you have to do everything she wants in order to get some action. It means that doing things that make her specifically feel close will overcome any of your daily shortcomings. For example, in my case I’m verbal. Telling me you love me- even if we haven’t had much time together, will cause me to melt and feel close. For other women, it’s doing things that make her life easier. Throwing in a load of laundry, or straightening up the bedroom will go a long way in settling down our daily OCD and making us receptive to sex.
The challenge for most men however, is that they feel loved when they are touched. And touch leads to sexy thoughts. It’s not quite the old adage “that most men want sex to feel close, and women need to feel close to have sex” but there is lots of truth in that statement. The truth is that sex (actually ejaculation) brings down men’s energy and ups their desire to cuddle and connect emotionally. Often the ‘sperm brain phenomenon” gets in the way of the intimacy that women crave. Both men and women need a more accurate, and better communicated list of what they truly need from their mate in order to be sexual.
Doug and Leslie Gustafson have a great quote on the dialogue between men and women before sex.
“Most men have no history of positive role models for how to treat women, what real intimacy looks like and how to translate their needs for closeness into a positive way of pursuing their lover. And this is the rub! Think about it. Women want men who open up their feminine heart and body skillfully. Like a finely wrapped gift, they don’t want the beautiful wrapping paper and ribbon hurriedly ripped off, wadded up and tossed into the garbage. They want to experience profound safety, honor and excitement in how men approach them, hold them and ask to be inside. Men, on the other hand, are quite capable of “paving the way” to intimacy — after the fact. They surrender to their feminine, touchy-feely side during and after sex. During and after!
What a chasm in timing. Men want sex, which helps move them into a deeper connection with all their emotional wants and needs. Women want that deeper connection before the bedroom door opens. Ultimately, they both want the same thing. Passionate, rock-the-bed-stand, earthquake sex with souls bared wide open in tenderness, connection and erotic touch. And orgasms that spell not only physical release, but the intersection of two souls who need a deep kind of love suspended in time, delivered with expertise and boat-floating sexiness.”
So what can you do?
Much of it comes down to self-awareness. Knowing what you need and how to articulate it to your partner. As an example, asking for a hug, or saying “I would really like to fool around later”, or just holding your partner without the expectation of sex can pay big dividends later when you do have time for sex. Alternatively trying to be calm and asking for some gentle touch and eye-gazing (even if you are a bit mad) can close the gap you need to be intimate.
It may seem a bit corny but I really like the research on gratitude statements. A gratitude statement is exactly what it sounds like. Showing appreciation and telling your sweetie what you are grateful for. “One study looked at 36 committed couples. They found that even though relationships have ups and downs, they were reliably marked by one person’s feeling of gratitude. The study concluded that everyday gratitude serves as an important relationship maintenance mechanism, acting as a booster shot to the relationship”. The reverse is also true. When partners (especially men) hear complaints, blame or disrespect, it can have a devastating effect on his testosterone. He then feels neglected and very disconnected.
So praise, touch, gratitude, self-awareness and words of love are some of the best advice I can give people on improving the “disconnected” part of their sex lives. The next time you are being rebuffed for sex, try some praise, and words of love. That may be a better way to get some between the sheets action.

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New date night ideas! Pick a suggestion and make a sexy date happen.

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So it’s late summer and the schedules are irregular. Life is good but there are lots of family, and social obligations and chores to be done. Planning a date night with your partner may have gotten lost in the shuffle. It’s definitely time to pick a few ideas and plan something before homework and football games take over.
1.Try a honey tasting! As a beekeeper and honey sommelier I definitely eat my share of honey. Honey has been known for its medicinal properties for thousands of years. Honey not only is an excellent sweetener, will never go bad, and can prevent wound infections it also can boost the immune system, relieve seasonal allergies, and improve gut health.
Honey also tastes amazing and has unique flavours based on the geographical location, types of flower nectar sourced by the bees and how the beekeeper has harvested the honey. Time of the year impacts the flavor of honeys. Autumn honeys tend to be darkest and most full-bodied but crystalizes the most quickly. This is the time of year that it is most flavourful and has the most aphrodisiac properties. Buy a few different local honeys (honeys from the grocery store is often cut with other ingredients or pasteurized- killing the healthy enzymes). Blindfold your partner and pour some honey into a glass. Using a clean spoon have them taste the honey and describe the taste. You can kiss them and let them nibble a little green between honeys to cleanse their palates. Have them pick their favourite. Then you get to spread it on you and have them continue the tasting….
2. Send them text bombs or random questions. Make them into paper airplanes, leave them on the bathroom mirror or in their wallets. It’s a fun thing to do if you have some time and want to find something out about your partner you don’t know.
`What’s something you always wanted to do as a child but never got to do it?
`If you were in a witness protection program, what would be your new name and where would you go?
`If you could get away with a crime, would you? If yes, what would it be?
`Who was your first celebrity crush?
`What’s the worst thing you ever did as a child and what was your punishment?
`What is one thing you refuse to share?
`What are two things you would do if you woke up to find yourself completely invisible?
`If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why?
`If you could be on the cover of any magazine which one would you choose?
`What song would you sing for your American Idol audition?
3. Find the country fairs! Check out the homemade pies, look at the 4 H club livestock judging, go on a merry-go-round, and take in a local band. This is the time of year and there is one on every weekend.
4. Star gazing with foods you haven’t tried before. We like to try mystery fruits. Things like dragonfuit and lychee
and look up at the night sky. This is the best time of year to do this because there aren’t any bugs. You can also do a tailgate picnic in the evening and watch the sun set.
5. Take one of the couple’s cooking classes. Around here the Loblaw’s cooking schools or LCBO classes are fabulous. There is also one every Tuesday night at the Independent at Bank and Somerset where you get a $10 gift card for the $10 class. Loved their pizza making. Playing with dough was sexy.
6. Make a drive-in movie. Lots of people have those projectors that show off computer screens. It can project easily to the side of your house or even a sheet on the wall. But the fun is doing it outside. Run a “drive-in type movie”. Think Indiana Jones, Grease, or The Martian. Sit in the car and make out during it. There is a reason why drive-in’s never go out of style.

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How to fall in love (for the first time or again) this Valentine’s Day

fallingHave you noticed that love is in the air this month? It’s that time of year when grocery stores and shopping malls are full of chocolate hearts, red roses and unconditional love seems to be on everyone’s mind. Why is love something that we seem to practice only when Hallmark tells us to? How do we make time for relationships when we are so busy trying to get through work, homework, housework, parenting, elder care, and errands? For many women, it seems like all work and no play. Where did the fun and intimacy go when we fell in love and couldn’t wait to see our partners?
Someone asked me recently what I thought was the secret to great relationships and maintaining the “in love” magic. I said that I thought “it was three hours a week of intimate time where there is sensuous touch, eye contact and conversation that isn’t about work and kids”. I’ve been pushing sensuous date nights for a while with my marriage-counseling clients. It turns out that conversation, touch, and eye gazing really are the secrets to falling (and staying in love) according to the study by Arthur Aron that is getting loads of airplay this Valentine’s season. Aron did a study in 1997 that paired 33 students (who were open to the possibility of falling love with a stranger) and had the couples ask each other 37 personal questions followed by four minutes of eye gazing. The couples in questions felt a tremendous amount of intimacy towards their previously unknown partner. One couple who met during the study actually got married.
So is it that simple? For women, conversation is huge. I used to use random questions from If… the Book of Questions as an ice breaker during my singles and couples workshops. Things like “if you were a carnival ride, which one would you be and why?” Or “What dessert would best describe your personality?” Asking personal questions of someone quickly creates intimacy between individuals and is one of the best ways to rapidly get people talking. And it turns out the type of question you ask helps find the type of relationship you are looking for.
A study by OkCupid.com found more casual questions such as ‘Do you like the taste of beer?’ were more likely to lead to a one-night stand than a long-term relationship. Questions about kids, pets, and favourite books are far more likely to help you find a partner that sticks. So if you are single, make your first dating contact letter full of interest and questions about the other person. That and lots of eye gazing by the third date and you will no doubt stand out from the crowd of many possible suitors.
So what are the elements of great relationships and how do you sustain them? While people have been trying to define love for millennia, as a sex and relationship therapist, in my opinion love is a mix of the pragmatic and the nebulous. I think that in order for love to sustain itself beyond the first year of honeymoon “in love hormones” and to endure, there needs to be a connection in four areas. First there needs to be chemistry. It’s an elusive quality, poorly defined, but critical for great love. Scientists would argue that it is a mixture of pheromones relating to a good genetic match and something else that makes your heart flutter. Secondly, love has a physical component. You need to find that person physically attractive. They don’t need to be body perfect, but there must be some features that really appeal when you see them. There also needs to be a lifestyle and intellectual match. The guy next door or someone most like yourself who becomes your best friend consistently offers the best chance for happiness and longevity in a relationship. Look for someone you have tons in common with even if they don’t seem like “your type” at first glance. Finally the emotional connection of same values leads into bonds that stick even when the going gets tough.
So meet people with commonalties of values, intellect, and lifestyle. You meet a number of them and with one of them the chemistry will hit you between the eyes. For couples who have been together awhile, work on or re-introduce those things that brought you together. Then stir up those cooling embers with intimate conversation and absolutely make time to look into each other’s eyes.
Forget asking for chocolate and flowers. Uninterrupted time, proximity, personal conversation, and face to face touch will pay the biggest dividends this Valentine’s Day.
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Why a New Year's Mission Statement is so much more effective than resolutions.

I don’t make my own lists of New Year’s resolutions. It’s not that I don’t think they’re relevant — I do, actually. As they say in baseball, “You can’t hit what you can’t see.” Goals are critical. I follow the Warren Buffet school of thought: Set a small number of goals, then focus.
But when you’re one-half of a couple, the targets change. For the last five years I’ve been setting my goals together with my husband — a kind of relationship ‘mission statement’. When you’re in a life partnership with someone you love, I think you need to agree on the big things together.
Not all goals can be shared, of course. (He’s got a healthy eating plan; so do I. But he has a problem with Pop Tarts. I don’t.) But if you want to maintain harmony in the relationship, you need to discuss goals and agree on them together. Maybe you want to start a new business venture, one that would involve a large time commitment. That’s a sacrifice you’re sharing with your partner and family, so the need to be on the same page with them should be obvious. But few couples set out common goals.
In our case, the mission statement is more than just goals or targets. It’s a road map for living together — a statement of shared philosophies and values. I would say that outlining our relationship ‘rules of engagement’ has been one of the single most effective things we’ve done to cement our relationship. (And given the amount of time we spend planning sexy date nights and adventure weekends, that’s saying something.)
Right now we’re on mission statement version 4.0; it’s pasted on the back of our office door. Our mission statements have included things like “stop apologizing for who we are”, “make new friends” and “don’t babysit other adults”. They definitely include a commitment to putting the relationship first — to putting a higher value on home and family than on increased work obligations. We’ve committed to a better quality of ‘quality time’, to date nights, to splitting up the household labour equally. Little things, all of them — but it’s the little things that count in love.
Mr. Buffett and the business school grads would say that our lists don’t follow the classic business format of goal setting, and they’d be right. But that’s the point — these are our values, the things that matter to us.
As a therapist, I often see couples who are drifting apart because they’re losing the interests they once had in common, the things that brought them together in the first place. Setting goals as a couple helps prevent the drift I see as a therapist in couples who have less and less interests in common. The most common reasons for divorce usually surprises most couples. It’s not money problems, extended families or diminished sex or infidelity that are the most common reasons for separation. The most common reason cited to divorce lawyers is absenteeism. This means being either physically or emotionally missing in action. You connect to spend your life with someone, and if they are never there, then well… partners often find themselves looking for a soft place to land. Or they end up in my office on the raggedy edge.
It’s a universal truth that people support what they help to create. Focusing together on a plan that will keep you engaged and pulling in the same direction and defining your core values as a couple is essential. It’s one of the benchmarks I look for as a sign of a healthy relationship. We will be tracking our relationship this holiday. Give it a try. It may make for a great New Years.

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How to Celebrate New Year's With Your Partner

New Years is simply around the corner, in fact it is enough time to create your resolutions (be it more steamy sex, or to get him or her to agree to start trying wilder and crazier things in bed). Most lovers want to move away from the hectic schedules of their life and unwind on New Year’s Eve. In case you are considering about surprising your lover, it is now time to book a fresh Year’s Eve hotel (whether you pay by the hour, or they give you those majestic matching robes).
The easiest method to make your beloved feel special is by focusing on the details. I do invites for romantic evenings with my sweetie. Or, I break out the party panties, the new bottle of massage oil, or just make sure I spend the time looking my best. Lots of people go all out, but I think its paying attention to romance and celebrating the strong emotion between the two of you (eye gazing, hand holding, declarations of love) that make a night like New Year’s memorable. Try to remember to take photos and make videos together which would be considered a joyful memory. Do not forget to kiss at midnight, and mark the early morning hours of the New Year with champagne and sex (maybe get horizontal in your New Years hats)!
I also encourage you to watch the drinking. I used to hate New Year’s Eve because it was just a big drunk. As one friend said, “why do women think they are sexy when they are slurring their words and stumbling around?” Too much alcohol is one of the factors in regular erectile dysfunction. Women can have a couple of drinks to increase your testosterone levels, and help put you in the mood (it really is a panty remover), but too much impairs things for both of you.
I also encourage you to talk together about what the next year looks like for the two of you. I think traditions are important and what holiday days do is to remind me to take a moment and be grateful. And express that love and gratitude. I say that about Valentine’s Day, Thanksgiving, and I even do it around Halloween (my favorite time of year). New Year’s is a time to ask if we are pulling in the same direction. Read my blog on couple’s mission statements and give it a try this New Year’s. You make be surprised about how impactful it may be.
If you want to explore more date nights in your area check in to whether or not there are some of the Duckling events near you! The fastest social groups of safe, fun, connected communities. Read about it.