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The continual need to create intimacy

I have spent my career talking about date nights.
conventional date nights, sexy date nights, romantic time and the need to make being with your partner mindful.

life is hard. Being with your partner in a loving way with like a warm fire on a cold night.
Being together in a loving way causes what’s called “strong ties”. It’s how the two of you check in with each other. Like words of gratitude, or writing out goals, this is a reminder to plan a date with your sweetie.

Sex and intimacy in relationships can be a tricky topic to navigate. Learning to give and receive pleasure in your intimate connection is key to having a healthy, fulfilling relationship, but sometimes it can be hard to know how to initiate sex and intimacy in a way that both partners are comfortable with. Here are some tips to help you start exploring new ways to initiate sex and intimacy in your relationship..

Sexy date nights are different from a typical dinner and movie – though those can be great, too! They’re smaller, more intimate evenings that focus exclusively on fostering an incredibly romantic and sensual connection between you and your partner. These nights can be incredibly meaningful, but too often couples forget to take the time for them.

There are lots of great benefits of investing in sexy date nights. Time privately together can help soothe and renew passion in a relationship. When you schedule sexy time together, you’re not just carving out time just to reconnect. You’re consciously dedicating yourself to exploring the physical and the emotional bonds that exist between the two of you. This can result in a more satisfying sex life and, ultimately, more satisfaction in the relationship overall.

It’s also important to keep things romantic and exciting by trying different activities and experimenting together in ways that break the status quo. Whether you’re exploring a new specialty restaurant, trying out a new recipe at home, or having a fun night of roleplaying, there are plenty of ways to keep the fire burning.

Finally, sexy date nights helps couples stay connected when faced with life’s many challenges

Here are a few suggestions that might help you check list a way to create more intimacy this week.

  1. Get Talking. Ask your partner what they want. There are loads of online questionnaires about intimacy. Try one this week over your morning coffee, or late night drink.
  2. Set the Mood – Put some effort into creating an atmosphere that sets the tone for your intimate connection. Consider lighting candles, diffusing essential oils, playing soft music, or talking about your feelings to create ambiance.
  3. Use Foreplay – Set aside time for foreplay. Foreplay doesn’t have to involve physical touch – it could involve talking and asking questions about the pleasure you both want to experience, or engaging in sensual activities like massage or showering together.
  4. Introduce Toys – Introducing new toys into your sexual experiences can add a layer of excitement to your intimate connection. Talk about what kind of toys you would like to explore, and find something that speaks to both of you.
  5. Make it Fun – Intimacy doesn’t have to feel like work. I tell my blog listeners, sex is adult play.
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Why you need to know your unique selling proposition in dating.

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I picked him up off the beach and invited him to breakfast.

This was 10 days ago during our Mexican vacation.

He had a great smile, cool sunglasses, and a Superman tattoo he called a birthmark.

His name was T and he and a single buddy were in Cancun for a week of sun, sand, and tequila.

His friend D was sleeping off the effects of the previous night’s margaritas and he would have had to breakfast alone.

No one should have to eat alone.

A single Dad from Calgary I liked him immediately, and knew I had a number of single women in the group who would appreciate him and his friend.

We included them in our epic room crawl and out of that bloomed a couple of vacation romances between women in this group and the boys from Calgary.

On Saturday night at the Steely Dan concert, I asked a few new members what was special, quirky, and unique about them. And what they were looking for in a partner.

A majority of the people I asked couldn’t answer me.

How are potential partners going to appreciate you if you are uncertain about who you are? Or what you want? What’s cool about you?

You can’t hit a target you cannot see.

If you don’t know then you need a plan, a wingman, and a clear way forward to understand what you want in a future relationship.

If the quality of your life is in the quality of your relationships then finding an amazing intimate partner will improve your life immeasurably.

A partner gives you caring, warmth, fun, sex, unconditional love, support, adventures, companionship, passion, laughter and a safe space.

I woke up thinking about how I can help you get there.

As a Therapist I’ve found that the best results happen in groups. Everyone helps each other. It’s like being in a class where everyone has read the book.

I’ve decided to do a 3 week boot camp with the goal of getting you into the best position to find great love.

Here’s what it will do for you.

A very limited number will join me on a special Zoom call Monday night’s from 7-9 pm. There will be help outside of those hours but that’s the group time.

We will focus specifically on your needs, questions, and baggage that keeps you from a successful relationship.

By the end of week 3 you will be set up on a blind date, coached through the process, and have a clear understanding of the uniqueness you bring to a relationship.

I only have the time and bandwidth for a small group that will support each other.

Is this what you need?

As a Therapist my agenda is happy, connected people. Let’s find you someone you can buy a Christmas present for.

Join my list if this resonates.

 

 

She had a history of chasing the wrong guys.


He had a need to rescue unstable women who took advantage of him.

On paper they were neither of the other’s type.

He worked construction and she spent her days leading a website design firm.

He ate most of his meals from the drive thru in his truck.

She favoured local, organic greens.

He was a Newfoundlander with a big belly laugh and even bigger heart.

She was smart, independent, type A dog owner who carefully gave her loyal friendship.

I introduced them almost seven years ago.

They have been inseparable ever since. And like all great relationships are a gift to everyone else around them.

They both admit they never would have clicked on each other’s profiles.

Having the skills, opportunity, and pool of prospective mates to fish from is not something everyone has access to.

But it can be yours.

You can stop eating dinner alone over the sink, sending a cut and paste email and hoping something is going to happen. You can stop going to events and leaving feeling like the awkward kid at the High School dance.

            You can hold someone’s hand and have them hold yours.

I’ve been talking about this new boot camp I’m offering for the very first time to a very small number of you in this group.

Groups can be magic.

I have a women’s support group I ran a decade ago that still meets up every month to connect.

We had two couples living on opposite sides of the country come to Mexico last week who became friends three years ago during one of my online courses.

Groups let you know that you aren’t the only one feeling lost and defeated about dating. And your peers can give you both the hand up and the supportive hug you need while putting yourself out there emotionally.

This group will start Monday, Dec 5th at 7 pm.

There will be a very nominal charge because offering something for free means people don’t value it and feel okay with skipping class. Human nature is that everyone needs skin in the game to take it seriously.

The value will be incredible. Worksheets, support, specific dating ads, blind date introductions, friends, role playing, practice sessions and more.

It will cost less than a half hour of one of my regular sessions.

You need to find great love. You can and you deserve to find great love.

Don’t miss put on the opportunity to join in. Details will be finalized this weekend. There is still time to send me a note expressing your interest.

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Another relationship had ended and when that happened he crashed without notice on my couch.

And promptly ate all the ice cream in the freezer.

At the time, My brother was a little lost when it came to women. He was very kind, attractive, but was a bit of a commitment phobe.

He had a habit of what I call “dating by default”.

Meeting the next girl, not the right girl.

They would start dating and it was good enough for him until his ex’s pressed him to make their relationship more permanent.

Then he would end up on my doorstep. Sad he had yet again hurt someone with a breakup and needing some sibling support.

I let him mope for a week before reading him the riot act.

I forced him to look at his attachment style (it’s hard to avoid the work when your sister is a shrink) and understand patterns of avoidant styles. Attachment comes from family of origin and fortunately I knew where to push when he was finally ready for advice.

I then asked if he was ready to meet a woman he could commit to.

I wrote him a Pulitzer Prize dating ad with great responses from cool, local women. (keep reading it’s below) and gave him a $200 Starbucks card. The deal was that he had to go on 50 first coffee dates.

Girl #2 blew him away. I told him to keep dating. After 21 dates he mutinied and started dating girl #2 exclusively. Girl #2 is my sister in law and Mom to my much loved niece and nephew.

In fairness this was 16 years ago when online dating wasn’t full of Nigerian Princes looking for help or trolling Eastern European sex workers enticing generous businessmen.

These days, Online dating has morphed into a disheartening, time-wasting foray into the lowest common denominator.

Which is why you need a new plan, model and program to find the love you deserve. You need tools.

It’s my job to understand human psychology when it comes to intimate relationships.

It’s your job not to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.

I’ve been watching this group for the last 11 months we’ve been running it. I see the loneliness and uncertainty of what to do next.

It’s time to try a new dating model and way to find love.

Starting Monday, Dec 5th at 7 pm I’m creating a special zoom group. It’s a first run for a small group of members who are ready to meet someone special.

I’m working hard to pull all my insights, skills, ideas, contacts, and 28 years as a Clinical Therapist to show you the way to find love in this new paradigm. I’m going to give you my time and attention.

The payment link will go up on Sunday for a nominal amount to show the same level of commitment I am offering. It won’t even be the amount of half a tank of gas.

On Monday, participants will be contacted and I’ll be sending out surveys looking for your questions, pain points and challenges with modern dating. I’ll spend next week planning for an exceptional group.

Over the next few weeks we will tailor a plan to everyone, give mutual support and help each other with the fear of being pushed away.

You are going to also make new best friends with the group participants as we share stories, laughter and some moments of real emotion. I’ll be there with you every step of the way.

Watch your inbox on Sunday.
2023 will be your year.

Ps Here is my brother’s dating ad that won him my cool sister-in-law. I’ll write one for you too.

 

 

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New relationship research that outlines how satisfied you are with your partner.

It’s been an unprecedented two years & the strain on relationships have been incredible. Couple’s therapists have seen challenges with clients being locked down, relationships ending, levels of discord & abuse never before witnessed. The good news is that if your relationship has made it this far it is likely to make it through anything. There is a new study that outlines what

 the relationship characteristics that best predicted a person’s satisfaction were. They are:
  1. Perceived partner commitment
  2. Appreciation
  3. Sexual satisfaction
  4. Perceived partner satisfaction
  5. Conflict resolution
Interestingly, their partner’s personality or their partner’s perception of the relationship seemed to matter relatively little, Joel said.
And while factors such as your personality or whether or not you experience depression or anxiety could very well affect the quality of your relationship, building a relationship that you feel satisfied and secure in could outweigh those things, the study’s authors wrote.
“The fact that individual characteristics predicted relationship quality but did not provide any unique predictive power beyond relationship factors suggests that individual characteristics do matter, but their effects on relationship quality are largely attributable to their effects on relationship dynamics,” Justin Lavner, a psychologist at the University of Georgia says.
Getting through the pandemic without snapping at your partner can be considered Graduate school relationship dynamics. Most of the couples interviewed put their relationships first – and protected the couple dynamic rather that build walls and become defensive when the going got tough.
That’s hard to do if you have experienced childhood trauma. While intimate partners can heal those traumas (read about Stan Tatkin’s research & approach) outside pressures make it easy to revert back to unhealthy, isolating or needy behaviours.
Being around other couples who model great relationships help. That’s been near impossible during the pandemic. In a few cities, we run the Duckling Social Groups that are open to fully vaccinated individuals that let couples have fun, learn sex & relationship skills, and see healthy relationships modeled. So basically, go out on date nights. Find a community. Read a book about how family of origin can impact your marriage. Make an appointment with a therapist. Be gentle with yourself & your partner. It will get better.
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Dating during the pandemic part 2. What to do in Eastern Ontario when it gets cold

List of safe dates you can try

As it gets colder it is definitely harder. There are a few drive-in (check out Wesley Clover) or you can make your own with friends by projecting movies to the side of buildings.  The great zoo (Saunder’s Little Critters) is closing for the season but Parc Omega in Montebello is open. I strongly recommend the Bistro in Montebello for a safe (and excellent) lunch ahead of time.

Walks in the amazing Perth park off mainstreet with cute restaurants and my favourite the new chocolate and coffee store.

Bundle up and go to Blakeney on the Mississippi a few minutes west of Almonte. It was my High School make out spot and a sheltered, nature spot and small Provincial park.

Walks along the Fletcher Wildlife Centre on Prince of Wales. I would get mugs of coffee and walk the less travelled side of the arboretum. It’s easy and free to park there.

More expensive dates on Elgin Street includes the back patio of the Whalebone, or Al’s Steak House which has plasticized, outside areas with heaters.

There are a few vineyards that are still kicking.  Smokie Ridge outside of Kemptville is doing tastings, as is Kinsip right in Carp. Friday night Kinsip has a date night where you can bring in food and picnic near the heaters. Here is the list. Local wineries to add to your hit list include Jabulani Vineyard & Winery, Domaine Perrault Winery(link is external), Vignoble Clos du Vully(link is external), and KIN Vineyards(link is external).

Mountain Orchards in Kemptville can let you apple pick on a nice day and offers food, donuts, and lots of fun mazes to try.

Le Nordik is still open. Smaller crowds and it changes based on what’s going on in Quebec but a fun way to spend a day.

Speaking of mazes, Saunders Farm in Munster is still open to buy pumpkins and walk the mazes before the snow flies.

And if you are feeling Christmasy, go for a fun day at the Christmas season at the Log Cabin Orchard. They will have fresh cut trees for you to take home, churros, Apple butter, Apple pies, Christmas decorations, a bon fire…and more.

 

Then there was the trip to Brockville to walk the train tunnel and get (arguably) some of best fish and chips anywhere at Don’s Fish & Chips right near the waterfront.

 

And then there are the Try a recipe together. Or make complementary  dishes and do porch drop offs.

Or if you have another couple in your bubble it is time to go back to our parent’s house parties where they played games like scrabble, Probe or maybe Cards Against Humanity?

 

Soon the Christmas lights will be on downtown and you can walk and warm up in different stores with your fetching masks.

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    10 date ideas to do during the pandemic

    I’ve been posting and talking a lot about dating during the pandemic. Even if you’ve been married for decades you still need to make the relationship a priority. I spend my days trying to make sure that I am doing things to keep my own relationship spicy. It’s a hard thing to keep top of mind and it’s especially hard during a global lock down.
    In my neck of the woods we had a late spring so from much of the early days even a walk outside wasn’t fun.
    However with the warm weather we have bug season. But outdoors is a great place for romance.
    We have walked at dusk looking for bats, walked along the water looking for turtles (here is the female painted turtle laying her eggs along mud lake this week) and sunset seeing the ducks swim along the Ottawa River. Hiking in Gatineau Park always works for an evening.
    Camping and cottaging is now open (Thank you!). An inexpensive tenting weekend in the Provincial parks, a Inn in the Gatineau’s (Travel Zoo has a mid week $189 night that includes breakfast and spa service, or cottages on airbnb are at an all time high for availability.
    Drive through zoo’s and drive in’s are open! Port Elmsley drive in (Smiths Falls area) and Parc Omega in Montebello are both open. Add to that the winery testing in Perth, Carp, south Mountain, and Navan and campfires at Saunders Farm there are some things you can do while only limited to 10 people.
    Some of the consignment and antique stores are open and that might be a great day of wandering through piles of other people’s junk.
    The Premier is encouraging “social bubbles” of 10 people. We call them “germ circles” but it allows dinner parties, backyard gatherings, and visit with friends. This is the time to be creative. Please let me know if you have any other ideas.

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    5 things you can do to keep things intimate while locked down during the pandemic!

    I feel like a caged cat. For six weeks I was pacing the house and stress baking. Now that I can get outside we are walking together (slapping mosquitoes but hey, that’s spring in Eastern Ontario) and the lockdown feels slightly less intrusive. With more time together during a pandemic it certainly doesn’t feel like a holiday. The stress of the unknown, lack of connection with friends and extended family and sameness is getting to everyone.
    “Stress is at an all-time high for many couples. According to Dr. Gabor Maté, “three factors that universally lead to stress are uncertainty, lack of information, and the loss of control.” Prolonged exposure to these stressors, generated from COVID-19 and other circumstances, can result in allostatic load.
    Allostatic load refers to the wear and tear on the body that accumulates when we are exposed to repeated or chronic stressors. These stressors can be internal, external, or both. While allostasis has been traditionally examined in individuals, it undoubtedly impacts couples.
    On an interpersonal level, increased allostatic load may result in individuals experiencing difficulty in starting or maintaining relationships. When an individual is depressed, certain neurotransmitters aren’t functioning at an optimal level. Even the most doting and loving partner might not be able to conjure the experience of love or limerence, which is the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings.”
    Finding ways to be with each other in a positive way when you are fighting chronic stress is challenging. And men and women have different responses. For many sex is a stress reliever. For other’s it’s a definite mood killer. I am spending the pandemic talking to people in their cars who need to vent about their partner’s over exuberant interest or lack of interest.
    I have been following a number of blogs that talk about using the uniqueness of the current situation to give your sex and love life a boost.
    I wanted to summarize some of the suggestions for ways to up the connection while we wait for life to get back to normal. Here are some ways to keep things intimate during the isolation.
    Be creative!
    Order some discount costumes, download some free audio porn from Pornhub or film yourselves having sex.
    Newness!
    Human beings are inherently turned on by novelty and newness when it comes to sex. I have a list of 60 new things to try that you might not be doing sexually on my site. Or a list of 75 different things to do in the bedroom in a different blog. I’m happy to email them to you if you want to reach out. Things like taking the Mojoupgrade quiz and finding out if there is something your partner might be curious about that you didn’t know are also good suggestions for spicing things up.
    The people who tried new things were three times more likely to report improvements in the bedroom than those who didn’t make any new additions.
    Manage stress!
    Bathe together, take a break from social media, massages, THC oil (it simply makes your genitals – not you stoned), meditate, naked exercise (or gardening!) or other gentle things that lower your stress load
    Do some grooming together!
    Treat your partner with the same care you would going out on any date. Even with hair and nail salons closed there are things you can do. One of the sexiest things that happened to me this month is my meticulous partner painting my nails and toes. And I cut his hair which is a truly intimate act. Wash each other’s back, do an oil rubdown, suntan together, or try one of those facemasks together. Grooming is an age old thing that brings you closer to each other.

    Romantic Date Night at Home or picnic together!
    I love picnics! We’ve been doing them in the backyard or on drives together. As Justin says, “plan a fun evening. For some, this might involve cooking your favorite meal together, ordering takeout or delivery from a special restaurant, having wine or cocktails while you watch the sunset or listen to music, watching a movie you’ve both been meaning to see, or trying an erotic game or role-play.The options are endless, and with a little creative thinking, you can craft a relaxing—or exciting—evening (depending on what you’re looking for) to fit any budget.”
    This is time we will never have again. The more we can manage the stress and be together the greater the long-term impacts on you relationship will be. Reach out if you need some help. Otherwise be safe everyone.

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    Are you missing your work spouse? Maybe it's time to look at those relationships.


    As I tell clients, who your partner is having coffee with is far more threatening to your relationship than an inconsequential sexual liaison. With the pandemic in full swing the aftermath may be that more and more people work from home. What’s going to be interesting is how many people feel cut off from their intimate (albeit maybe not sexual) work connections.
    It turns out that over 20% of people meet at work or at a work function. You put adults together with some commonalities, especially if there is some tension, stress and adrenaline and bonding happens. And you start to have feelings of protectiveness and intimacy towards your work spouse.
    “1/4 of Americans admit missing their work spouse, more than they would their partner, reveals survey.
    2 in 3 couples say they are not as productive as they could be when working under the same roof.
    1 in 10 admit accidentally calling their partner by their work spouse’s name.
    Tips on working from home with your partner.
    If you work in an office team environment, there may be a colleague or co-worker with whom you share a strong bond – someone you consider your ‘work spouse’. Considering the average American employee spends around 40 hours per week working a typical 9 to 5 job, it’s no wonder we seek support, friendship and loyalty in a space where we (usually) spend a large portion of our daily lives. However, if you are romantically involved with an actual partner, having a work spouse may trigger feelings of jealousy in your real-life relationship.
    If you are in lockdown with your partner, it can be difficult to maintain a high level of productivity when it comes to your job. There are plenty of domestic distractions at home including your partner, Netflix, and the temptation to get back into bed for more snooze time. It appears a large number of couples are distracted by each other as 2 in 3 couples here say they are not as productive as they could be when working under the same roof.
    View the following tips on how to maximize your efficiency while working from home with your partner
    In fact, 65% of employees working from home say they would be more productive if they were in lockdown with their work spouse as compared to their actual partner. Perhaps this is because it is easier to discuss projects and deadlines with your colleague or co-worker who fully understands your industry, as well as bounce ideas off one another in order to maximize efficiency.
    If you’ve seen the episode of ‘Friends’ where Ross accidentally says Rachel’s name at the altar instead of the name of his wife-to-be, you will know that calling your partner by the wrong name can be detrimental to your relationship! This is a relatively common occurrence in American households as 1 in 10 employees admit to accidentally calling their partner by their work spouse’s name.
    ‘While working from home, it is understandable why a large percentage of US employees are struggling to focus on their work, especially with news of a global pandemic,’ says Jamie Ellis of PRPioneer.com. ‘If you have the space, try working in a separate room to one another and plan your lunch hours at the same time. This way, you will each be able to give more attention to your work tasks, while still enjoying time together as a couple over lunch, dinner and in the evening.’
    What I’m seeing during this lock down is the challenges of couples spending weeks together without the option of getting out of the house. But it’s also a chance for re-connection. It gives you the quiet from running in place to look at your life and the quality of your relationships. If you are looking to your work spouse for intimacy it may be time to re-engage with your real spouse. Or if you miss your work spouse and can’t stop thinking about them maybe it’s time to be upfront to that person about what you are feeling.
    If you are really struggling about what to do then it may be time to put heads together and talk it out. I’ve been there and really encourage you to focus on self awareness. Even one session ($125 for an hour) can give you clarity. It’s safe, confidential, and private. Half of my clients these days are skyping from their car. Let’s talk about those feelings.

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    The new dating rules for women. Or why you might still be single after years of dating.

    One of the most interesting thing that’s been coming out of the cool men’s group my husband runs on Tuesday nights (hot men in our living room) is hearing the dating stories about women from a male point of view. While I’m not privy to the discussions I get an understanding of modern male and female dating stories from both perspectives. And it isn’t pretty.
    My female clients complain that guys flake on set dates, have bad breath, only seem to want sex, and string them along. They worry about fake profiles and personal safety in dating.
    As for the guys they are really, really gun shy about getting back into a new relationship. Meaning they want to play the field until something feels right. And then they still want to think about it. Especially if they have had a difficult (and expensive separation previously) or worry about women controlling them. The men in the men’s group want to understand how to keep things casual and not have women fall in love with them.
    Mostly men are looking for women who are “cool”. Someone who isn’t needy and doesn’t press them for a commitment. Someone who isn’t caught up “with the happily ever after” or “supposed to’s” about relationships. Someone who doesn’t want to meet your parents on the fifth date. I wanted to find out more about what turn’s men off about the women they are dating.
    So I asked this past Tuesday night to the group of 20 or so men who were out in the dating market and had looks, game, and self-awareness. This is what they had to say about the don’t’s and turn-off’s that they were seeing with women.
    1. Don’t be cheap. Pick up a bill for coffee, dinner, or drinks when it’s your turn.
    2. Stop bitching. Women complain or it appears to men that women complain. Find your happy self.
    3. Don’t make men feel like they are a dirty secret. Invite them over, and be proud to be out with them.
    4. Don’t ghost. Have some class and say goodbye with a quick email or text. It turns out guys are bitter about being ghosted in a big way.
    5. If you are looking for someone to take care of you then pull yourself out of the dating market until you have your own life together. Dating is not a retirement plan.
    6. Try hard to keep the self-criticisms quiet. Most women struggle with body acceptance but men find beauty in all women. Confidence no matter what your size or attributes is sexy.
    7. Understand men are busy too and a part-time relationship is all they have the time or interest in exploring. Guys don’t understand why 50% of a great relationship is better than being alone. Especially if you both have the opportunity to see other people.
    8. Don’t be crazy. Men think all women are crazy but the truth is that women need to do a better job managing their moods, hormones and behaviour.
    If you are single and struggling unsuccessfully to find a partner then maybe it’s time for some dating coaching. I can usually solve the issues within three sessions. So less than the cost of two concert tickets I can have you back on track. Schedule a time and let’s talk.

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    6 things you need to think about when healing from past trauma


    Lately I’m seeing more and more sad, overwhelmed and troubled people in my office. As a Sex and Relationship Therapist I spend most of my day talking about genitals (and how they rub together) and how to increase the amount of connection and intimacy with your partner. I don’t specialize in anxiety, depression, family of origin work but I have clients whose trauma and life stress are spilling over into their relationships.
    Women especially are overwhelmed, and self medicating to deal with the unmanageable parts of their lives. We hear lots about balance, self-care and “getting rid of baggage” but how do you actually do that?
    Here are some suggestions from the PTSD experts.
    On the journey from “Heal Thyself” to “Healthy Self,” remember:
    1. We must be willing to choose to grow up and become the fully embodied Self; to own all of who we are – the good, the bad, and the ugly; to blow the lid off of exploitation, oppres­sion, and fear; and to know that, to be empowered, we must embrace our darkest hours as deeply as we do our brightest moments. It all matters. It all makes us who we are.
    2. There is no shame in being human. There is no shame in being flawed and im­perfect. There is no shame in telling the truth.
    3. It takes courage to do what must be done. It takes courage to be an adult in this world. It takes courage to be your Self – all of you!
    4. We need to accept, forgive, and love ourselves rather than hate, despise, and humiliate. Shaming yourself for what you’ve been taught to believe is a “bad or unacceptable” version of you will only keep you disempowered. Fragmented. Broken.
    5. We need to learn from the most wounded parts of us by shining light on them, listening to what they need more or less of, then encouraging them to ascend and expand rather than shrivel and die.
    6. Expanding our emotional edges takes self-awareness, courage, and willingness. We have to pull our heads out of the sand and wake up!
    Basically it means writing, reading, listening, talking, getting counseling, support for all the pieces inside you that are fragmented. Pushing it down will only work for awhile. And you are worth it.
    Hugs

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    The 21-word, 5 stage apology that will simplify your life.

    Someone recently asked me what the best qualities were to look for in a potential partner. How do you know that when the chemistry wanes (9 to 15 months after you first hook up), that this person is worth the time to invest in a potential relationship? What should you really look for in a person you want to spend your intimate life with?
    When you read some of the women’s magazines there is often a check list ranging from being a good provider to owning a toolbelt. For the men I speak to in my therapy sessions, most are “looking for a kind, friendly, sane woman who likes sex, and isn’t boring.”
    When I ask groups at large about the best qualities I get responses like; “being great in bed, having an amazing body, Intelligent conversation, sense of humour, drive to achieve things, or great hygiene”. Although those things are important, (sometimes very important), I think self-awareness and a willingness to shift is the number one quality for a potential partner to have.
    What I mean by self-awareness is the emotional faculty to see where you are wrong and do something about it. What I do know about relationships after 25 years as a shrink is that if you don’t own your share of a problem and sweep things under the rug you are destined to keep making the same mistake repeatedly.
    Everyone screws up. It’s taking responsibility for your behavior and owning your share that gives you the ability to weather life’s challenges as a couple. An unqualified apology and a real desire to fix things is what I try and help clients understand during therapy. Things change. And life is sometimes hard. Being able to reflect and manage your mood is what makes us grown-ups.
    The challenge comes if your reality doesn’t see your behavior as out of line. That takes some reflection, someone to bounce things off, and understanding patterns in your previous relationships. If it happened once it could be a personality conflict, if it happens more than once look at who is the common denominator.
    It’s easy to wish problems away. It’s harder to know that sometimes your responses aren’t getting you the results that you are looking for.
    One of the main tools I suggest using in therapy is an unqualified 5 stage apology. If you get a real, genuine apology and not a deflection then the other person has two choices as to how to respond. To forgive you or to throw you under the bus. A five-stage apology looks like this.
    1. Clear regret
    2. Understanding how your actions has hurt the other person
    3. Making a plan so that it won’t happen again
    4. Offering restitution
    5. Saying the words.
    It’s hard to remember all of that. My brilliant husband teaches how muscle memory practice helps you respond rather than react when you are trying to remember something important. I’ve got the 5 stage apology down to 21 simple words.
    Here it is:
    I’m sorry. I was wrong. (or moron, idiot, dick etc.) I know I hurt you. It won’t happen again. What can I do to fix this?
    It allows you to move forward and come up with a solution. It gives you a starting point to fix ongoing issues. It doesn’t change personality issues or have people become something they are not. But it does allow you to move on core issues in relationships. And that’s worth apologizing for.

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    Best date ideas for 2018. Why keeping it romantic is worth the effort.

    Why surprising your partner (even when you are super busy) is essential for great relationships.
    I try hard to consistently do and suggest great date night ideas. My friend Angela sends me ideas every quarter for activities in the Nation’s Capital (Dec/Jan’s are posted below).
    But for those of you who don’t live in Canada’s most beautiful city my team has come up with some of the best new date suggestions for 2018.
    Feeding each other at a food truck.
    Even when it’s cold the food trucks make some of the best tacos, chips, and beaver tails around.

    New Year’s fireworks. Most communities have firework displays (or inexpensive fireworks) to ring in the New Year. Find a good spot (hint: try the top level of a parking garage), and gaze at the spectacle. Bring along some sparklers and warm beverages in a thermos to make it more fun.
    Geocashing. Geocaching is the ultimate scavenger hunt. Using a smartphone and GPS coordinates, participants search for hidden objects. Just sign up for a free Geocaching account and download the app. Then pick a geocache near you and start hunting. It’s a great togetherness activity.
    Have you considered ice fishing? You can bring a deck of cards and stay out on the ice in rented fishing huts. Check your local outdoor store for details.
    Stargaze. Pack some blankets and dust of those festival chairs. There are lots of stars that you can’t see in the summer and it’s worth some cuddle time on a cold night. Once the stars come out, search for constellations and identify them using an app or book. Make a game of it: Whoever finds a specific star, planet, or constellation — or the most of all three — wins.
    Play strip chess. Learn to give great massages.
    The list of activities in Ottawa:
    Skating through the Forest – Discover the enchanting site of Skating Through the Forest next to the vast Gatineau Park, at 45 minutes from Ottawa. Savour the pristine experience of ice skating on a natural 3km open air ice path in an incredible landscape and sheltered from the wind. Non-skaters can spend some time snowshoeing or walking on our designated paths. Can you spot our friendly wolf “Loupie”? After discovering the ice, join us in our chalet for a hot drink and a snack. (opens officially Dec 15th!) https://www.patinageenforet.com
    Alight the Night – Starting Friday! EASTERN ONTARIO’S BIGGEST OUTDOOR LIGHT FESTIVAL. Bundle up for an evening stroll through this picture-perfect postcard setting! Close to one million lights adorn the heritage buildings, trees and fences of Upper Canada Village creating a one-of-a-kind magical backdrop for its annual Alight at Night Festival – a
    true winter wonderland! https://www.uppercanadavillage.com/events/alight-at-night/
    Rideau Hall Skating Rink – The outdoor skating rink was originally built in 1872, during the mandate of the Earl of Dufferin, Canada’s third governor general. Along with his wife, Lady Dufferin—who quickly became a keen skater herself—he organized many skating parties during his stay at Rideau Hall. Today, you can step back in time and go for a skate on this historic rink which is also now refrigerated. Saturdays and Sundays, from 12 noon to 5 p.m. (without reservations).
    http://www.gg.ca/document.aspx?id=15335&lan=eng
    8. Christmas Lights across Canada – Ottawa sparkles and shines during the Christmas season with Christmas Lights across Canada. From early December to early January, thousands of colourful lights illuminate the National Capital Region’s winter landscape. The 33rd edition of Christmas Lights across Canada will take place from December 7, 2017 to January 7, 2018. Hundreds of thousands of dazzling holiday lights glow throughout downtown Ottawa. Parliament Hill is a must-see stop on any tour of the lights, with tens of thousands of bulbs lighting its historic buildings.
    Also from December 7, 2017 to January 7, 2018, a winter lightscapes multimedia show is projected onto Parliament Hill’s Centre Block. Inspired by Canada’s nature, climate and culture, this 13-minute fairy tale runs nightly in a loop, from 5:30 p.m. to 11:00 p.m.https://www.ottawatourism.ca/ottawa-insider/christmas-lights-across-canada/
    10. Christmas in the Byward market – Complimentary wagon rides and Christmas Choirs. Saturday and Sunday on the George Street Plaza from noon – 4 p.m. Choirs: Saturday, December 16 12:00-2:00 Northern Stars Saturday, December 16 2:00-4:00 Ottawa Gay Men’s Choir, Sunday, December 17 12:00-2:00 Chinese Alliance Church, Sunday, December 17 2:00-4:00 Ottawa University
    http://byward-market.com/event/christmas-byward-market-wagon-rides-christmas-choirs/
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    Ottawa Art Gallery Lit Up – We’re taking art outside for one night!
    Join us as the Ottawa Art Gallery (OAG) celebrates two new commissioned works in the front courtyard of the soon to be opened OAG Expansion at 50 Mackenzie King Bridge. The night will include the spectacular projection artwork Of Buffalo, Bears, and Indian Scouts on the facade of the new OAG cube by Bear Witness and an accompanying DJ set by the JUNO winner. We will also be celebrating the large-scale, interactive light installation Ascension by The Latest Artists which will soon be mounted on the Mackenzie King Bridge wall. So much to celebrate! Heated tents, festive food and drink, participatory artwork and much more will help to mark the occasion. Admission: Free. 50 Mackenzie King Bridge (at the intersection of Waller Street), front courtyard https://www.ottawaartgallery.ca/whatson/2017/12/15/oag-lit-up-art-unveiling-celebration
    13. Tim Hortons on the Hill – December 14, 15, 16, 17, 30 and 31. 12 p.m. to 6 p.m. Warm up and refuel with free coffee and hot chocolate from the Tim Hortons truck on the Hill!
    14. Inuit experiences with Nunavut Sivuniksavut December 16 and 17 on Parliament Hill. 11:15 a.m. to 11:45 a.m., 2:15 p.m. to 2:45 p.m. and 3:30 p.m. to 4:00 p.m. Join Inuit youth from the Nunavut Sivuniksavut
    college program for choral singing, group dancing from the Western Arctic, throat singing, drum dancing, a sharing of their history, culture and
    language through education as well as a demonstration of Inuit Games such as the Muskox, Leg Wrestle and High Kick.

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    The top 5 things you can do to improve your relationship in 2018

    Every year researchers come up with new studies that outline the best way to stay connected with your significant other. Much of the advice seems like common sense. But even as a Sex and Relationship Therapist I have to remember to be mindful and find time to really focus on my partner with these ideas.
    1. Stay positive:
    “It’s not surprising that the more positive a person is, the more likely they’ll be happy in their relationships. What’s interesting is just how much it matters.
    In a study from the University of Chicago, researchers found that when a husband has a high level of positivity, there’s less conflict in his relationship. Likewise, the way partners respond to each other’s good news matters too. In a study published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers found that the way couples react to each other’s good news—either with excitement, pride, or indifference—is crucial in forming a strong bond.”
    2. Have a life outside of your partner:
    Not only is it important to have something interesting to talk about at the end of the day, outside friendships can help reinforce the couple connection. This doesn’t mean losing emotional intimacy with your husband or wife. It just means that married couples have a lot to gain by fostering their relationships with family members and friends. The happiest couples, she says, are those who have interests and support “beyond the twosome.”
    3. Have fun together and do new things:
    I (along with my amazing husband) started a date night group a number of years ago called The Ducklings. If you are anywhere near Eastern Ontario then come on out and join us. What kept coming up was the need for fun ideas to keep things exciting. It’s really easy to get in a rut. Doing things that are out of your comfort zone together creates hard-to-break bonds. This also means just having fun together. Research from The University of Denver shows that couples who make time for fun activities tend to stay together longer:
    “The more you invest in fun and friendship and being there for your partner, the happier the relationship will get over time,” says Howard Markman, a psychologist who co-directs the university’s Center for Marital and Family Studies.
    “The correlation between fun and marital happiness is high, and significant.”
    4. Make time for great Sex:
    Yes I think sex is critical for relationships. Life can get in the way of being sexy. And as partners feel pushed away they are less likely to initiate. And sex starts to feel awkward. Being able to communicate about what your sexual needs are and asking for what you need sexually is something I often facilitate between spouses in my office.
    “Anthony Lyons, a study co-author and research fellow at La Trobe, said the main lesson from the study is that couples need to learn how to communicate about their sexual needs or their reasons for not wanting sex.
    “Couples need to talk about the frequency of sex,” Dr. Anthony said in an e-mail. “Talking openly about sex and finding a middle ground with regard to frequency appears to be very important for overall sexual and relationship satisfaction.”
    It might seem silly to do something like scheduling time for intimacy, but it’s important to open up the dialogue about your sex life to dedicate some time to just be with each other.”
    5. Communication and The division of labour:
    Communication can be all important when it comes to impacting the relationship. I have a rule with my clients that they have to learn to talk about issues holding hands and maintaining eye contact. It helps. Understanding that if you can maintain your clam and learn to fight fair (here are the rules) then it goes a long way to settling the differences between couples.
    Stop fighting about money, and quit talking about big issues by email or text.
    Good communication takes effort, it’s hard, and it doesn’t always go smoothly. But when you let small things fester and don’t communicate, problems arise. Studies show that it’s usually money that causes this rift, but every relationship has its own set of issues that need to get worked through.
    “Quit hashing out problems over text messages: Technology has a knack for disrupting relationships, but one study pinpointed that couples who deal with fights over text have a lower relationship quality. This means couples who used text messages to apologize or work out differences instead of having face to face conversations tended to report unhappiness. That said, positive texts like the occasional “I love you” are still great, just stop trying to work complicated things out over SMS.”
    Finally, don’t be a dumbass when it comes to sharing the work load. I hear about how exhausted the women who visit my office are feeling. Some of it is self-inflicted in that they want to entertain perfectly or have a Marth Stewart Christmas. But many of them are working full time and then come home to another full time job cooking, cleaning, shopping, child care etc. Feeling overwhelmed and tired is one of the top reasons women are less interested in sex.
    Contribute to the household chores: In a small scale study, UCLA researchers tracked the lives of several relationships over the course of 4 years. Their conclusions? Couple who have a system to handle household chores and who evenly disperse those chores are a lot happier. So, when you’re significant other makes the suggestion that you do the dishes now and again, just do it.