I feel like a caged cat. For six weeks I was pacing the house and stress baking. Now that I can get outside we are walking together (slapping mosquitoes but hey, that’s spring in Eastern Ontario) and the lockdown feels slightly less intrusive. With more time together during a pandemic it certainly doesn’t feel like a holiday. The stress of the unknown, lack of connection with friends and extended family and sameness is getting to everyone.
“Stress is at an all-time high for many couples. According to Dr. Gabor Maté, “three factors that universally lead to stress are uncertainty, lack of information, and the loss of control.” Prolonged exposure to these stressors, generated from COVID-19 and other circumstances, can result in allostatic load.
Allostatic load refers to the wear and tear on the body that accumulates when we are exposed to repeated or chronic stressors. These stressors can be internal, external, or both. While allostasis has been traditionally examined in individuals, it undoubtedly impacts couples.
On an interpersonal level, increased allostatic load may result in individuals experiencing difficulty in starting or maintaining relationships. When an individual is depressed, certain neurotransmitters aren’t functioning at an optimal level. Even the most doting and loving partner might not be able to conjure the experience of love or limerence, which is the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings.”
Finding ways to be with each other in a positive way when you are fighting chronic stress is challenging. And men and women have different responses. For many sex is a stress reliever. For other’s it’s a definite mood killer. I am spending the pandemic talking to people in their cars who need to vent about their partner’s over exuberant interest or lack of interest.
I have been following a number of blogs that talk about using the uniqueness of the current situation to give your sex and love life a boost.
I wanted to summarize some of the suggestions for ways to up the connection while we wait for life to get back to normal. Here are some ways to keep things intimate during the isolation.
Be creative!
Order some discount costumes, download some free audio porn from Pornhub or film yourselves having sex.
Newness!
Human beings are inherently turned on by novelty and newness when it comes to sex. I have a list of 60 new things to try that you might not be doing sexually on my site. Or a list of 75 different things to do in the bedroom in a different blog. I’m happy to email them to you if you want to reach out. Things like taking the Mojoupgrade quiz and finding out if there is something your partner might be curious about that you didn’t know are also good suggestions for spicing things up.
The people who tried new things were three times more likely to report improvements in the bedroom than those who didn’t make any new additions.
Manage stress!
Bathe together, take a break from social media, massages, THC oil (it simply makes your genitals – not you stoned), meditate, naked exercise (or gardening!) or other gentle things that lower your stress load
Do some grooming together!
Treat your partner with the same care you would going out on any date. Even with hair and nail salons closed there are things you can do. One of the sexiest things that happened to me this month is my meticulous partner painting my nails and toes. And I cut his hair which is a truly intimate act. Wash each other’s back, do an oil rubdown, suntan together, or try one of those facemasks together. Grooming is an age old thing that brings you closer to each other.
Romantic Date Night at Home or picnic together!
I love picnics! We’ve been doing them in the backyard or on drives together. As Justin says, “plan a fun evening. For some, this might involve cooking your favorite meal together, ordering takeout or delivery from a special restaurant, having wine or cocktails while you watch the sunset or listen to music, watching a movie you’ve both been meaning to see, or trying an erotic game or role-play.The options are endless, and with a little creative thinking, you can craft a relaxing—or exciting—evening (depending on what you’re looking for) to fit any budget.”
This is time we will never have again. The more we can manage the stress and be together the greater the long-term impacts on you relationship will be. Reach out if you need some help. Otherwise be safe everyone.
