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New relationship research that outlines how satisfied you are with your partner.

It’s been an unprecedented two years & the strain on relationships have been incredible. Couple’s therapists have seen challenges with clients being locked down, relationships ending, levels of discord & abuse never before witnessed. The good news is that if your relationship has made it this far it is likely to make it through anything. There is a new study that outlines what

 the relationship characteristics that best predicted a person’s satisfaction were. They are:
  1. Perceived partner commitment
  2. Appreciation
  3. Sexual satisfaction
  4. Perceived partner satisfaction
  5. Conflict resolution
Interestingly, their partner’s personality or their partner’s perception of the relationship seemed to matter relatively little, Joel said.
And while factors such as your personality or whether or not you experience depression or anxiety could very well affect the quality of your relationship, building a relationship that you feel satisfied and secure in could outweigh those things, the study’s authors wrote.
“The fact that individual characteristics predicted relationship quality but did not provide any unique predictive power beyond relationship factors suggests that individual characteristics do matter, but their effects on relationship quality are largely attributable to their effects on relationship dynamics,” Justin Lavner, a psychologist at the University of Georgia says.
Getting through the pandemic without snapping at your partner can be considered Graduate school relationship dynamics. Most of the couples interviewed put their relationships first – and protected the couple dynamic rather that build walls and become defensive when the going got tough.
That’s hard to do if you have experienced childhood trauma. While intimate partners can heal those traumas (read about Stan Tatkin’s research & approach) outside pressures make it easy to revert back to unhealthy, isolating or needy behaviours.
Being around other couples who model great relationships help. That’s been near impossible during the pandemic. In a few cities, we run the Duckling Social Groups that are open to fully vaccinated individuals that let couples have fun, learn sex & relationship skills, and see healthy relationships modeled. So basically, go out on date nights. Find a community. Read a book about how family of origin can impact your marriage. Make an appointment with a therapist. Be gentle with yourself & your partner. It will get better.
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There are two types of low sexual desire among women – and other cool sex research in 2020

They offer free University classes to people over 70 where I live. I’ve decided that when I am retired I want to spend my golden years doing sex research. It’s so interesting.

There is a summary of the best new findings in sex in 2020 that offer up some new, some obvious, and some food for thought when it comes to new, published research this year.

The article summarizes some the facts about sex that made the news.

Things like:

  1. Over 60% of British citizens didn’t have or hardly wanted sex during the pandemic. While some women (who were probably rested for the first time in ages) wanted it more.
  2.  You can smell when a woman is aroused. Duh. But this is through her clothes and at a much less scent profile than previously thought.
  3. Viewing sex as an exchange of of favors tends to backfire. Being gracious, grateful, & generous in bed means you actually get more.
  4. Talking about sex really helps people with depression.
  5.  Your neglectful parents could be the cause of your rotten sex life.

I particularly liked the study about libido in women. It’s half of what I see in my practice.

“In a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers surveyed over 500 women in long-term relationships to try to identify a typology of desire. They found women struggling with low sexual desire can be categorized into one of two distinct groups: “globally distressed women” and “sexually dissatisfied women.” Globally distressed women had low sexual desire relative to other women, but they were also dealing with very low relationship satisfaction and high overall life stress. In comparison, sexually dissatisfied women also had relatively low sexual desire, but they had more normal levels of relationship satisfaction and life stress—suggesting their issues were contained to the bedroom.”

What it means for women is that some women have hormonal, relationship, psychological, & stress reasons for chronic low libido that won’t be fixed on it’s own. And other women have low sexual desire because their sex lives (& relationships) are poor.

Learning to ask for what you need and being better in bed is something concrete that will help. My new Sex Ed site has videos offering up “not your Mother’s Sex Ed” descriptions on just how to be better in bed.  It’s a great way to do something today to improve your sex skills & desire.

New research in sex

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I think every University psychology student wants to study sex. It’s on their minds (constantly) and like anyone who is newly sexual, they think they have discovered how cool sex can be. But the truth is that there is very little new in sex. No new parts, no new names for sexual responses and very few true innovations in the world of sex toys. Sure there are 400 different varieties but they all basically either insert or vibrate in different colors. For men, sex toys are a variation on a tube and a hole.

But sometimes with all of those psychology and med students looking into how we respond between our knees and our waists there are occasionally new insights. Here are some of the results that may impact how we reproduce. Or at least try to.

1. How Much Light There is in Your Bedroom Affects Your Sexual Desire And Fertility
Women used to menstruate during the new moon (when it’s dark at night) and ovulate during a full moon (when it’s light). Now with late night television, and phone and computer screens constantly giving off light, our fertility –and desire can get out of whack. Be aware of your bedroom lighting. And get the television out of there. There is actually proof now that the light affects your sex life.

2. And now we have a new STI to be worried about.
It turns out Ebola can be transmitted sexually. Even up to three months after a patient has recovered. Now we need our own check lists for people who have visited East Africa.

3. Women Can Get Pregnant Five to Eight Days After Having Sex
Studies have shown that some sperm can live in the cervical mucus crypt before the egg is actually fertilized for anywhere from five to eight days after sex. It used to be that women could only get pregnant on the day of ovulation and had to be concerned the four preceding days as well, as sperm can live in the fallopian tubes that long. Now it turns out that the sperm is in storage much longer until the optimum fertilization time.

4. Wearing High Heels Can Negatively Affect a Woman’s Orgasm

There are shoes that create a heightened arch in the foot. The heels create a contraction in the pelvic floor, which is problematic because the pelvic floor then cannot contract further during orgasm. Who knew that the arch in women’s feet contract during orgasm?

5. Orgasms Can Make Women More Creative
Studies have shown that orgasms can make women more confident, productive and creative. And it’s a feedback loop—women achieve fuller orgasms when they are being creative.

6. Women Gave Three Erogenous Zones
The clitoris, the G Spot, AND around the opening of the cervix which is sometimes called the X spot. Some argue nipples belong on that list too.

7. Nerve Endings are Distributed Differently in Every Woman’s Vagina
Like a snowflake, each woman is unique in that her nerve endings are distributed in her genitalia differently than anyone else. That means every woman needs to employ slightly different methods to achieve orgasm.

8. Another Reason To Drink More Water. Being Well Hydrated Leads To Better Orgasms
Because the body is mostly fluid, being hydrated enhances people’s ability to achieve orgasm.

Read Blog: Even more Research in Sex – Part 2

9. Most Women Can Achieve Orgasm
Almost no woman was born unable to achieve an orgasm. “Women have the innate machinery programmed to have orgasms,” “But not everybody learns how to use that machinery well.”

Even more new research in sex!

New sex and relationship research and why it is important to your relationship

We see a good amount of movies as a couple. When you preach date nights, you better walk the talk. We try and balance the movies between seeing the new Marvel movies (and the yummy IronMan) and the more romantic date night movies. We take turns picking and while we both like adventure, we’ve been adding more thought provoking romantic flicks to our cinema viewing. It turns out that we are not alone.

A recent University of Rochester study found that couples who watched and talked about issues raised in movies like “Steel Magnolias” and “Love Story” were less likely to divorce or separate than couples in a control group. You need to discuss and debate the movie, almost as if it was a book club.

Watching relationship movies helps you understand each other’s position on intimate subjects. Surprisingly, the chick-flick movie was as effective at keeping couples together as two visits to your therapist. They won’t put me out of business, but they might work for a couple who only needs a minor “tune up”.

Other interesting new research that may be impacting your intimate life is the proof that too much light in your bedroom negatively affects your sexual desire and fertility. Women used to menstruate during the new moon (when it’s dark at night) and ovulate during a full moon (when it’s light). Now with late night television, phone and computer screens constantly giving off light, our fertility, and desire can get out of whack.

Be aware of your bedroom lighting. Darkness is better for hiding stretchmarks, and it’s also better for revving up your internal engines. And get the television out of there. The blue light the TV transmits makes you less receptive to an under the covers encounter.

And it’s not just light. It also turns out that bedroom temperature can impact both men and women’s ability to achieve orgasm. For men, if it’s too hot their ability to ejaculate diminishes. For women, it’s having cold feet.

Literally. During the study of orgasms at the University of Groningen, only 50% of women could climax when they were chilly. When you made them more comfortable with warm socks and blankets the climax rate increased to 80%.


Another thing that impacts your sexual responsiveness is too much bike riding, especially with low handlebars. We’ve long known that those bike seats were terrible for male fertility, and diminished erections.

But now the study from Texas A&M shows that:

“women who ride a racing-style bike with handlebars lower than the saddle for more than 10 miles weekly incur a loss of feeling in their genitals.”


An important safety tip to keep your sexual responsiveness up is to pay even closer attention to oral hygiene. Yes you are more likely to get kissed. But it can also affect both your orgasms and your partners erections. I know, I was surprised too.

Unflossed gums harbor bacteria that can enter the bloodstream. This clogs blood vessels, which in turn reduces the blood supply to your squishy parts. So people with gum disease are more likely to have diminished orgasms.

And for men, neglected dental care can lead to a threefold increase in erectile dysfunction. It’s an excellent reason to keep the bathroom stocked with dental floss.

Finally, it turns out that all those high-arched Jimmy Choo’s can negatively affect a woman’s orgasm. Certain high heels that create an artificially heightened arch in the foot make orgasms more difficult.

The heels create a contraction in the pelvic floor, which is problematic because the pelvic floor then cannot contract further during orgasm. Who knew that the arch in women’s feet contract during orgasm?

So wear lower heels, get the TV out of the bedroom, take in a chick flick with your sweetie, and remember to floss. It may be what you need to do to have a fabulous sex life this month.

See also: New Research in Sex

If you are interested in learning about sex why don’t you try our School of Sex series? Everyone can get better in the sack.

New research shows selfless people have more sex

selfless3So that hot bed of sex research North Bay, Ontario (smile) came out with a great new study this month talking about how kind people get more sex. It’s long been proven that lovers who put their partners first get way, way more sex than those who take care of their own needs first. But now the research out of Nippising University shows that donating blood, giving generously to charity, helping little old ladies cross the street, and being an all round nice person makes you more sexually attractive.

Dr.Steven Arnocky, one of the studies authors said:

“We’ve provided the first empirical evidence that altruism may tangibly benefit mating in humans living in Western industrialized society. It appears that altruism evolved in our species, in part, because it serves as a signal of other underlying desirable qualities, which helps individuals reproduce.”

Previous studies showed that if you add altruism to a man, women find him more attractive. Dr. Arnocky’s study shows how this can translate into the very tangible benefits of more sex. Women especially find men that give back really sexy.

The findings support previous research that focused on food sharing by hunters among non-kin as a form of altruism, which show that men who hunt – and share – meat enjoy greater reproductive success. As well, research has previously shown that individuals report preferring altruistic mates, all else being equal.

The study also found that altruism seems to work more effectively for men in terms of attracting a partner. Altruism, it seems, is a powerful attractant for females, which is obviously good news for nice guys as well as local charities.

One question that remains is:

Are people more altruistic because they are having sex? Or, are they having more sex because they are altruistic?

I think that the adage that kindness and manners matter and that mean people are profoundly unattractive crops up in all aspects of relationships. This study is a good reminder that it is not what you look like but who you are that attracts a partner of quality.

Read about New Research in Sex

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The Libido differences between couples. And research into how men are touch deprived

Much of my day as a Sex Therapist is spent talking about libido differences between couples. Opposite sex drives between partners are challenging. Not always, but often it’s men who seem to want sex all the time. With their exasperated partners having to push them away making everyone feel badly.
Again not all but many healthy, adult men want sex daily or every other day, time permitting. But the expectation that men are all Neanderthals chasing their partners around the house all the time isn’t fair to the men I see.
Many really want their partners to initiate. Or they see their sexuality as a dance rather than a conquest. Or the anxiety of performance makes them gun shy. Or they have lower testosterone and feel diminished. At times for the men I see it feels exhausting to always need to be “sexually on”.
As women we have had guys pull our ponytails in school, try and get us out of our jeans in High School and actively hit on us in bars. There is an exception that men will pursue. There is a great article about why men seem to pursue sex over and over.

As the author Mark Greene says:

“In our culture we believe that men always have a sexual agenda. We believe that, given the opportunity, men will collapse into the sexual at a moment’s notice. That men don’t know how to physically connect otherwise. That men can’t control themselves. That men are dogs. Yet, if we don’t trust men and touch where does that leave us as a culture? And where do men go for touch and connection?”

Men turn to sex for touch. When I ask men to talk about what intimacy means to them they think sex. When I ask them to describe something romantic it often has a sexual slant.
Many men feel loved when they are touched and that touch is sexual in nature. And their partners who often want to simply cuddle find an erection poking them. Men haven’t been able to express their tactile selves. Unless it’s between the sheets on the sports field they don’t have a vehicle for nurturing touch.

As Mark Greene says:

“The lifelong lack of platonic touch in boys lives ultimately results in the loss for them of the clear distinction between platonic touch and sexual touch. Young men starving for touch seek it in the sexual realm, often exclusively from their partners.
This makes frequency of sex a challenging issue for couples. Men key on sex in an attempt to bridge our way back to the gentle comforting touch of our distant childhoods, the pure first experience of touch in our lives that can never quite be recaptured or recalled. Sex takes on the role of fulfilling both sexual and platonic touch needs.
The result? Men background all other positives in our relationships, judging every interaction against the sexual pleasure metric.”

So you have generations of men who identify the need for physical affection as someone touching their penis. It’s not the only reason, male sexual urges can be daunting. As I tell my clients ” I’ve spoken to men for 25 years and I am still gobstopped about how horny guys can be sometimes”.
Separating sex and touch is one of the first things I do as a Sex Therapist. Mindful non-genital touch- even if it’s only 3 minutes each in a busy day can help separate sex from positive affection. And then both partners can calm down and truly see each other.

Mark outlines the issue for guys who are touch deprived.

“Many of us are also terribly prone to approaching sex mechanically, staring inward at our own flaring confusion instead of looking outward into the mysterious miracle of our partners. And in that moment, sex becomes another exercise in internalizing our experiences instead of surrendering to emotional interdependence, which we have never learned to engage. In relationship after relationship, romance withers. Sex falls off. But even as these relationships falter, we men remain willing to go to the well of cold mechanical sex, long after our lovers have lost their passion for it, because like everything else in our emotional landscapes, we have confused the mechanics of contact with truly connecting emotionally.”

I suggest getting a regular RMT massage therapist. It’s professional and therapeutic. Touch is a basic need. Finding a way to get hugs, physical connection, and positive physical interaction – in a non-sexual way is really good for your sex life. Read the whole article here.

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The G-spot 'doesn't appear to exist', say researchers – give me 10 minutes and I'll prove you wrong!

Argh!  Another study that tries to prove that the G-spot doesn’t exist! http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8439000.stm

G-Spot Orgasm - Sexwithsue.com

The elusive erogenous zone said to exist in some women may be a myth, say researchers who have hunted for it.

Their study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine is the biggest yet, involving 1,800 women, and it found no proof.

The King’s College London team believe the G-spot may be a figment of women’s imagination, encouraged by magazines and sex therapists.

But sexologist Beverley Whipple, who helped popularise the G-spot idea, said the work was “flawed”.  You tell ’em Beverley.

“This is by far the biggest study ever carried out and shows fairly conclusively that the idea of a G-spot is subjective.”

The Gräfenberg Spot, or G-Spot, was named in honour of the German gynaecologist Ernst Gräfenberg who described it over 50 years ago. It is said to sit in the front wall of the vagina some 2-5cm up.

Recently Italian scientists claimed they could locate the G-spot using ultrasound scans.

They said they had found an area of thicker tissue among the women reporting orgasms.

I get so frustrated with these studies. How can I, and many of the women I know, have taught, or have witnessed personally be so dismissed?  Out comes clear, clover-smelling liquid, and offers a huge release. I know it, as do millions of other women. Sigh. Women I’ve spoken to know that they can release loads of fluid, and have a “different” kind of orgasm.

I can’t believe since so many women experience it, that they are still poking and prodding. Get my FREE 10 steps guide on How To Find Your G-Spot – How To Have A G-Spot Orgasm. I am so confident of it, that if you don’t get it, I’ll send you a copy of the whole book- Quivering Jello if you quote this blog. Unless you’ve had pelvic surgery, I’m confident you’ll get there. Don’t give up or believe alot of uptight british researchers who don’t know where to look.