, , ,

Pride Month is Over, but Being an Ally is Not

June has been dubbed “Pride Month,” to recognize the Stonewall riots in June of ’69 (read more about that here). Today Pride Month means a few things: often there are many pride parades happening across the world, a time to recognize the trials and tribulations that the LGBTQ+ community has been through and what they still are going through, a moment to celebrate the accomplishments of LGBTQ+ individuals, and for many large corporations, it is a time to profit off of rainbow merchandise. However, with all this being said, being an ally is not limited to only June. Here are just a few ways you can continue to be an ally throughout the year…..

  1. Respect pronouns and names
    • In English grammar a pronoun is a word we use when talking about a person, rather than their name, “she,” “her,” “they,” “he,” etc. In the course of a person’s life, sometimes the pronouns they prefer change. This is completely normal. Who we are from the time we are born to when we die does not stay the same, so it is understandable that our gender expression may change too. Whatever pronoun someone tells you they use, do your best to respect them and use this pronoun. If someone changes their name, use this name.
  2. If you don’t understand, do research
    • It can get quite exhausting for an LGBTQ+ person to constantly explain what certain things mean. They had to learn for themselves, so you can too! Google is your best friend. Though take what you read from the internet with a grain of salt. Try to get information from multiple reliable sources. If you gain knowledge on your own, the LGBTQ+ people in your life will likely be more willing and ready to have conversations with you on the topic you’re confused about.
  3. Their relationships are just as valid as yours
    • LGBTQ+ relationships are totally valid and meaningful, just like any other relationships out there. Love doesn’t care about societal norms or who you’re attracted to. It’s all about that deep connection, shared experiences, and supporting each other through thick and thin. When we recognize the validity of LGBTQ+ relationships, we’re promoting equality and inclusivity. Let’s celebrate love in all its beautiful forms, standing with those who choose to love whoever makes their heart happy.
  4. Support your local queer businesses
    • Supporting queer and trans businesses is super important for creating an inclusive society. It’s all about giving opportunities to LGBTQ+ entrepreneurs, providing safe spaces, and shaking up the status quo. When we get behind these businesses, we’re not only empowering marginalized communities, but we’re also sending a loud and clear message of acceptance and embracing diversity. So, let’s actively show our support and invest in queer and trans businesses to shape a better future for everyone.
  5. Treat LGBTQ+ people as you would anyone else, they are human beings and deserve love, respect, and kindness just like anyone

, ,

The five things I tell my single’s boot camp participants.

I do this Boot Camp for singles it’s hard to get past all your difficulties in the past where are you stuck why do you keep picking the same person over and over again are you too picky do you keep choosing your father or are you taking too much are you a doormat are you serve one and done and only get a first date over and over again are you too standoffis.


Are you waiting until you lose weight or get a new job in order to date you find that nobody meets your standards or expectations are you constantly disappointed let’s figure out what past things are keeping you stuck as it were doing in the the singles Boot Camp but one of the biggest things that I do as a therapist is just to tell people it’s OK I like groups because it allows people to talk support each other and realize that they’re not alone


But it’s also for me to say it’s OK for you to be single it’s OK for you to tell people you’re looking for a relationship it’s OK to ask for blind dates I think half of what I do is just validating people that it’s OK to be in the space if you want to change it you are not gonna do it by staying at home on Netflix bingeing.

But there are ways to help hear the five things that we are doing to make a difference number when we do something called the checklist at the end of three dates there’s a study that said 59% of people need a minimum of three dates to lower their guard and actually show the real them the real you.

By the third date you’ve needed to ask some questions you know the goal is is can you see you know to find this person attractive are you interested enough to have a second or third date but by the end of the third day you need to know what’s going on.

Two. You need to have a pretty clear understanding of the vision you want if it’s happily ever after in a picket fence hang onto that no matter how attractive somebody who’s just looking for something casual is hang onto your vision number three get a selection committee sometimes our past gets in the way of us making good decisions have people that love you and support you who can meet somebody new in your life.

Ask people around you what in fairness you need to work on where are you stuck because your best qualities are often your worst qualities you’re really giving but that means you give too much or you’re super independent which means you don’t have time for a relationship figure out what that is part of that that your friends family coworkers may have some insight into

Number five don’t be afraid to cut people off but always have at least two or three conversations in the works you wanna be meeting one to two people a week if you’re having trouble with that that’s where groups like mine the ducklings in the over 40 cannot help you generate all kinds of options of options


Don’t be afraid to cut people off but always have at least two or three conversations in the works you wanna be meeting 1 to 2 people a week if you’re having trouble with that that’s where groups like mine have the ducklings in the over 40 connect help you generate all kinds of options
Dating it’s been broken for a while we’re all trying new ways to fix it.

These five tips are just the start, so even if you feel like you’re stuck, give yourself a chance to really break through, look at these areas and see what you can do to start being more intentional about going out and dating. So, what are you waiting for? Go for it and make your dting dreams come to life!

,

The continual need to create intimacy

I have spent my career talking about date nights.
conventional date nights, sexy date nights, romantic time and the need to make being with your partner mindful.

life is hard. Being with your partner in a loving way with like a warm fire on a cold night.
Being together in a loving way causes what’s called “strong ties”. It’s how the two of you check in with each other. Like words of gratitude, or writing out goals, this is a reminder to plan a date with your sweetie.

Sex and intimacy in relationships can be a tricky topic to navigate. Learning to give and receive pleasure in your intimate connection is key to having a healthy, fulfilling relationship, but sometimes it can be hard to know how to initiate sex and intimacy in a way that both partners are comfortable with. Here are some tips to help you start exploring new ways to initiate sex and intimacy in your relationship..

Sexy date nights are different from a typical dinner and movie – though those can be great, too! They’re smaller, more intimate evenings that focus exclusively on fostering an incredibly romantic and sensual connection between you and your partner. These nights can be incredibly meaningful, but too often couples forget to take the time for them.

There are lots of great benefits of investing in sexy date nights. Time privately together can help soothe and renew passion in a relationship. When you schedule sexy time together, you’re not just carving out time just to reconnect. You’re consciously dedicating yourself to exploring the physical and the emotional bonds that exist between the two of you. This can result in a more satisfying sex life and, ultimately, more satisfaction in the relationship overall.

It’s also important to keep things romantic and exciting by trying different activities and experimenting together in ways that break the status quo. Whether you’re exploring a new specialty restaurant, trying out a new recipe at home, or having a fun night of roleplaying, there are plenty of ways to keep the fire burning.

Finally, sexy date nights helps couples stay connected when faced with life’s many challenges

Here are a few suggestions that might help you check list a way to create more intimacy this week.

  1. Get Talking. Ask your partner what they want. There are loads of online questionnaires about intimacy. Try one this week over your morning coffee, or late night drink.
  2. Set the Mood – Put some effort into creating an atmosphere that sets the tone for your intimate connection. Consider lighting candles, diffusing essential oils, playing soft music, or talking about your feelings to create ambiance.
  3. Use Foreplay – Set aside time for foreplay. Foreplay doesn’t have to involve physical touch – it could involve talking and asking questions about the pleasure you both want to experience, or engaging in sensual activities like massage or showering together.
  4. Introduce Toys – Introducing new toys into your sexual experiences can add a layer of excitement to your intimate connection. Talk about what kind of toys you would like to explore, and find something that speaks to both of you.
  5. Make it Fun – Intimacy doesn’t have to feel like work. I tell my blog listeners, sex is adult play.
, , ,

Keeping the Romance alive. Sexy things to do Valentine’s week

Date nights are mandatory. Imperative. Essential for having the relationship you want.

I was asked a few times about new suggestions for Valentine’s week.

I’m big on watching one of the easy Youtube cooking classes or TikTok food suggestions. Cooking together is sexy.

I love the cheap toys at pink cherry (and you get loyalty points!). You can get a bullet for $2.95, furry handcuffs for $6 and clitoral & penis pumps for $25.

The fun game Taboo has just come out with an adult version. It’s a naughty thing to try on a cold winter’s night. Here are the links for apple ios and android.

I’m also a big fan about sex toys form the hardware store. We had to go in to get a new ice scraper and wandered around with the tieups and drop sheets. We hurried home after that.

The date night we did last week while picking up shwarma was stop in at the local Goodwill store while waiting for the takeout a few stores down. I challenged my partner to find the most inappropriate t shirt in 10 minutes. The favourite one we got my partner ended up sending to his brother. You can also browse the sexy clothing items, or try on hats. It’s about fun and doing something outside your comfort level.

I’m going to make a point to publish a few suggestions every week. Being mindfully sexy with your partner is as important as communicating. I posted the study in December about the reasons why sexy date nights are as significant as communicating with humour, not threatening the relationship, and trying to put your partner’s needs ahead of your own in creating intimacy.

Stay with it. It pays big dividends.

,

What men & women want in bed!Virtual Q & A with Sex with Sue Get an A in Sex Ed!

Sex Ed baby! Let’s get the latest information, cool insight into what men and what men & women really want sexually. Join Clinical Sex Therapist Sex with Sue McGarvie. Send in your anonymous questions, listen to specifics about what the opposite sex want in their bedroom.

We have puppets, the latest in toys and it’s a kick-ass talk on all things new in sex. This is the first time we are trying a virtual meeting but in the time of Covid we are embracing the Zoom. Use this window to up your sex IQ and improve your game in the bedroom.

FREE for Duckling members and $15 for non-members.
etransfer suem@rogers.com or by credit card on wearetheducklings.com

Sue McGarvie is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.

Topic: What men and women really want in bed!
Time: Nov 19, 2020 07:00 PM Eastern Time (US and Canada)

Join Zoom Meeting
https://us02web.zoom.us/j/85807380170

Meeting ID: 858 0738 0170
One tap mobile
+16465588656,,85807380170# US (New York)
+16699009128,,85807380170# US (San Jose)

Dial by your location
+1 646 558 8656 US (New York)

,

Mindfulness is more than a buzzwords. How to be present in your relationship

Practice gratitude in your relationship: Turn your mindful attention towards all you are grateful for about your partner. Here are some prompts to get you started:
What about them makes you smile most?
What do you admire most about your partner?
What characteristic of their personality or way of being is most endearing to you?
What about your partner inspires you most?
What was one of the first things you noticed about them that drew you to the partnership?
Recall one of your most meaningful times together. What did your partner do or say that was so impactful, and what does that reveal about the core of who they are?
Finding ways to stay connected, be genuine and make sure your partner feels loved is a priority in relationships. I know it’s hard to find time to be a couple. But it’s mandatory. I offer up lists on both sexual and non-sexual ways to create intimacy. I have sexual hypnosis and some of the mindfulness aps to help get out of your head. It’s not long, drawn out therapy. It’s solving any sexual problem quickly and efficiently.   Reach out to me and let me help you stay connected to your partner. It’s what I do every day.

, ,

Nine Amazing Autumn Date Ideas. And What to do if You Are Looking for a Relationship

I was standing at Subway and talking about the weather with the woman making my sub. I mentioned that it’s much cooler outside and she concluded that it means “it’s the season for love. In the summer it’s too hot to rub up against someone”, as she loads my 6-inch turkey with spinach.
Fall is in the air. It’s time for big sweaters, football games, Halloween shopping, and closing up the cottage.
Planning a date night with your partner may have gotten lost in the shuffle. It’s time to pick a few ideas and plan something before homework piles up and the freezing rain starts.

  1. Apple picking. It’s in every romantic comedy for a reason. It allows you to gather food together, lets him reach the tall branches and makes amazing apple crisp. It’s also private enough to start smooching somewhere away from prying eyes.
  2. In keeping with this there is always the pumpkin patch or corn maze, and haunted house/hayride. Those are great!
  3. Send them text bombs or random questions. Make them into paper airplanes, leave them on the bathroom mirror or in their wallets. It’s a fun thing to do if you have some time and want to find something out about your partner you don’t know.
    • What’s something you always wanted to do as a child but never got to do it?
    • If you were in a witness protection program, what would be your new name and where would you go?
    • If you could get away with a crime, would you? If yes, what would it be?
    • Who was your first celebrity crush?
  4. Find the country fairs! Check out the homemade pies, look at the 4 H club livestock judging, go on a merry-go-round, and take in a local band. This is the time of year and there is one on every weekend.
  5. Small town adventure. We went with the group of Ducklings to a small, nearby town (Buckingham) where we had a morning of corset shopping as a group and then went for cider. We had a blast. Many lingerie stores have big chairs for your partner to sit in while you come out and model. Check out the lingerie pictures on our meetup site.
  6. Speaking of shopping, I love trying on Halloween costumes this time of year. You can dress up in all kinds of costumes (prison warder, cowboy, pirate) and play out the fantasies. They are only around until Nov 1st so get busy with a skanky costume this month!
  7. Take one of the couple’s cooking classes. Around here the Loblaw’s cooking schools or LCBO classes are fabulous. There is also one every Tuesday night at the Independent at Bank and Somerset where you get a $10 gift card for the $10 class. Loved their pizza making. Playing with dough was sexy.
  8. Try making a fort. Inside or outside it will bring back the kid in you. And the fun things you can do inside one…
  9. Brewery tours and whiskey festivals. They are on and often have that pumpkin spice added to their microbrew. Yum. And those scotch/whiskey/wine shows. Perfect pick up place.

And if you aren’t in a relationship this is the time of year when more people start thinking about making changes to their love lives. In my career I’ve written over 400 dating ads and have matched over 100 people. I went to six weddings this year alone of couples who I had a hand in introducing.
If you are ready to do something about your stalled love life then reach out to me. I book in person, Skype and phone sessions. Make the change now.

, ,

The Libido differences between couples. And research into how men are touch deprived

Much of my day as a Sex Therapist is spent talking about libido differences between couples. Opposite sex drives between partners are challenging. Not always, but often it’s men who seem to want sex all the time. With their exasperated partners having to push them away making everyone feel badly.
Again not all but many healthy, adult men want sex daily or every other day, time permitting. But the expectation that men are all Neanderthals chasing their partners around the house all the time isn’t fair to the men I see.
Many really want their partners to initiate. Or they see their sexuality as a dance rather than a conquest. Or the anxiety of performance makes them gun shy. Or they have lower testosterone and feel diminished. At times for the men I see it feels exhausting to always need to be “sexually on”.
As women we have had guys pull our ponytails in school, try and get us out of our jeans in High School and actively hit on us in bars. There is an exception that men will pursue. There is a great article about why men seem to pursue sex over and over.

As the author Mark Greene says:

“In our culture we believe that men always have a sexual agenda. We believe that, given the opportunity, men will collapse into the sexual at a moment’s notice. That men don’t know how to physically connect otherwise. That men can’t control themselves. That men are dogs. Yet, if we don’t trust men and touch where does that leave us as a culture? And where do men go for touch and connection?”

Men turn to sex for touch. When I ask men to talk about what intimacy means to them they think sex. When I ask them to describe something romantic it often has a sexual slant.
Many men feel loved when they are touched and that touch is sexual in nature. And their partners who often want to simply cuddle find an erection poking them. Men haven’t been able to express their tactile selves. Unless it’s between the sheets on the sports field they don’t have a vehicle for nurturing touch.

As Mark Greene says:

“The lifelong lack of platonic touch in boys lives ultimately results in the loss for them of the clear distinction between platonic touch and sexual touch. Young men starving for touch seek it in the sexual realm, often exclusively from their partners.
This makes frequency of sex a challenging issue for couples. Men key on sex in an attempt to bridge our way back to the gentle comforting touch of our distant childhoods, the pure first experience of touch in our lives that can never quite be recaptured or recalled. Sex takes on the role of fulfilling both sexual and platonic touch needs.
The result? Men background all other positives in our relationships, judging every interaction against the sexual pleasure metric.”

So you have generations of men who identify the need for physical affection as someone touching their penis. It’s not the only reason, male sexual urges can be daunting. As I tell my clients ” I’ve spoken to men for 25 years and I am still gobstopped about how horny guys can be sometimes”.
Separating sex and touch is one of the first things I do as a Sex Therapist. Mindful non-genital touch- even if it’s only 3 minutes each in a busy day can help separate sex from positive affection. And then both partners can calm down and truly see each other.

Mark outlines the issue for guys who are touch deprived.

“Many of us are also terribly prone to approaching sex mechanically, staring inward at our own flaring confusion instead of looking outward into the mysterious miracle of our partners. And in that moment, sex becomes another exercise in internalizing our experiences instead of surrendering to emotional interdependence, which we have never learned to engage. In relationship after relationship, romance withers. Sex falls off. But even as these relationships falter, we men remain willing to go to the well of cold mechanical sex, long after our lovers have lost their passion for it, because like everything else in our emotional landscapes, we have confused the mechanics of contact with truly connecting emotionally.”

I suggest getting a regular RMT massage therapist. It’s professional and therapeutic. Touch is a basic need. Finding a way to get hugs, physical connection, and positive physical interaction – in a non-sexual way is really good for your sex life. Read the whole article here.

, ,

Best date nights when the weather gets yucky and cold

It’s November. The clocks have gone back and at least in my part of the world it’s gotten cold. -18 with the wind tonight. Halloween is over and Christmas seems like a long way off. For our American friends the holidays are approaching with a list of things to do. The date nights are hard to initiate and get motivated.
The urge to pull the covers over your heads is strong. But relationships need time, energy and enthusiasm. Even (or especially) when it’s hard to do.
I’ve borrowed some of the list from my friends at Elite and have added a few of my own. I have a list of more sexual things you might try
1. Go for a dip in a local hot spring (or hot tub).
2. Hit the ice rink or pond for some adorable couples skating.
3. Go for a stroll (or cruise around in a nice warm car) to look at all holiday lights together.
4. Take a stroll in a nearby state park and pack a thermos of some adult (aka spiked) hot chocolate.
5. Do a winter wonderland photoshoot.
6. Hit the slopes for a snowboarding or sledding adventure.
7. Hike a local nature trail. It’s gorgeous out there, so why not see it together?
8. Fire up a bonfire on the beach or in your backyard and roast some s’mores.
9. Crack open your local parks and rec guide to find local winter events or programs you didn’t even know existed in your town.
10. Book a trip to somewhere with warmer climates. Hawaii sounds amazing right about now.
11. Break out some boardgames or jigsaw puzzles and play over steaming cups of mulled wine.
12. Check out Atlas Obscura and visit some nearby strange and unusual attractions or museums.
13. Or go the total opposite and play tourist at your most popular local attraction.
14. With the weather turning colder, less fortunate folks and our furry friends need even more help than in the warmer months. Pick a cause and volunteer together.
15. Speaking of furry friends, go visit them in the zoo or at the aquarium.
16. Play some indoor sports together like indoor mini golf, going for swim at the local indoor pool, or bowling a few games.
17. Scale an indoor rock climbing wall together.
18. Arcades are making a comeback and oftentimes they even serve drinks, so gather up your quarters and go get your Ms. Pac-Man on.
19. Head to a local brewery to taste all the awesome seasonal beers. Mmmm so pumpkin-y.
20. Test your teamwork skills with an escape room (seriously, these are so fun).
OR HAVE A COZY AND ROMANTIC NIGHT
21. Rent a cabin up in the mountains or by a lake and just try not to have the most romantic weekend.
22. Netflix and chill is for the rest of year, but Netflix and snuggle? That’s my idea of winter fun. Not sure what to watch? Each of you should pick their favorite movie and make it a double feature.
23. Make an amazing dinner together at home. Pick something that makes you feel cozy in the winter and use lots of seasonal veggies.
24. Snuggle up in front of a fire with some spiked hot chocolate or bundle up under a blanket together and watch the sunset with a couple of mugs.
25. Embrace your inner child by building a pillow fort… and then do really adult things inside it.
26. Paint your toes or groom each other. It’s one of the most bonding things you can do together.
27. Put on some fast music and dance.
28. Come to a Ducklings event! Or check us out and duplicate one of our crazy ideas!
29. Develop a hobby together! Beekeeping course, salsa dancing, beginner volleyball, paint nights….
30. SEX! As your sex therapist I’m actively encouraging you to get naked!

, ,

The 21-word, 5 stage apology that will simplify your life.

Someone recently asked me what the best qualities were to look for in a potential partner. How do you know that when the chemistry wanes (9 to 15 months after you first hook up), that this person is worth the time to invest in a potential relationship? What should you really look for in a person you want to spend your intimate life with?
When you read some of the women’s magazines there is often a check list ranging from being a good provider to owning a toolbelt. For the men I speak to in my therapy sessions, most are “looking for a kind, friendly, sane woman who likes sex, and isn’t boring.”
When I ask groups at large about the best qualities I get responses like; “being great in bed, having an amazing body, Intelligent conversation, sense of humour, drive to achieve things, or great hygiene”. Although those things are important, (sometimes very important), I think self-awareness and a willingness to shift is the number one quality for a potential partner to have.
What I mean by self-awareness is the emotional faculty to see where you are wrong and do something about it. What I do know about relationships after 25 years as a shrink is that if you don’t own your share of a problem and sweep things under the rug you are destined to keep making the same mistake repeatedly.
Everyone screws up. It’s taking responsibility for your behavior and owning your share that gives you the ability to weather life’s challenges as a couple. An unqualified apology and a real desire to fix things is what I try and help clients understand during therapy. Things change. And life is sometimes hard. Being able to reflect and manage your mood is what makes us grown-ups.
The challenge comes if your reality doesn’t see your behavior as out of line. That takes some reflection, someone to bounce things off, and understanding patterns in your previous relationships. If it happened once it could be a personality conflict, if it happens more than once look at who is the common denominator.
It’s easy to wish problems away. It’s harder to know that sometimes your responses aren’t getting you the results that you are looking for.
One of the main tools I suggest using in therapy is an unqualified 5 stage apology. If you get a real, genuine apology and not a deflection then the other person has two choices as to how to respond. To forgive you or to throw you under the bus. A five-stage apology looks like this.
1. Clear regret
2. Understanding how your actions has hurt the other person
3. Making a plan so that it won’t happen again
4. Offering restitution
5. Saying the words.
It’s hard to remember all of that. My brilliant husband teaches how muscle memory practice helps you respond rather than react when you are trying to remember something important. I’ve got the 5 stage apology down to 21 simple words.
Here it is:
I’m sorry. I was wrong. (or moron, idiot, dick etc.) I know I hurt you. It won’t happen again. What can I do to fix this?
It allows you to move forward and come up with a solution. It gives you a starting point to fix ongoing issues. It doesn’t change personality issues or have people become something they are not. But it does allow you to move on core issues in relationships. And that’s worth apologizing for.

, , , ,

Non-Monogamy four week workshop starting July 30th, 2018

You can read definitions online of what swinging, or polyamory might be outlined as. But what do they really mean?
We have a new non-monogamy course starting later this month. It’s like being in the best class you have ever attended where everyone has read the book and participated. Read below for details.
The non-monogamous clients tend to be couples in long-term relationships who don’t want to split up but are desperate for more or different sexual experiences and partners. And there is no one-size fits all.
Examples of non-monogamy can be:
~Living with a third (or triad) and how do you deal with that?
~Two couples connecting with each other (quad)
~Heterosexual couple Bringing in an extra male (hot wife)
~Swing clubs where everything from gentle touching on the dance floor to full blown orgies (and everything in between) happens
~Polyamorous. Means to love more than one person. But can be someone who is married and has a girlfriend/boyfriend or more.
~Alternative relationships in all kinds of ways. Asexual while one partner has other sexual interactions, monogamous but in different cities.
~One relationship two dwellings. Or having their own dedicated space within a dwelling.
~Friend with benefits for an occasional hook up
~periodic hall passes.
~Group family or commune.
And so many more examples.
Trying to navigate it is hard. Consider joining us for a small group starting a few weeks from now. It’s the tool kit for managing non-monogamy without blowing your relationship up. It is great if you can join us in person but easy of you need to video in.
Monday July 30, Monday Aug 13th, Monday Aug 20th, Monday Aug 27th 7-9(ish) pm
81 Pooler Ave. Very limited enrollment. $400/couple, $200 individual.
1. Intros, purpose of workshop, specific models of non-monogamy, ways of finding one’s own voice.
2. Specifics of sharing, Jealousy (Swing, poly and other non-monogamous forms). Rules, what works, contracts etc. Non-Monogamy checklist. What is the wish lists and deal breakers
3. What do you need/want. How do you negotiate that? How do you ask for it and how do you find it? Sharing and tools for understanding boundaries.
4. Group discussion about finding potential partners. A chance to practice skills and role play in a safe way. Stories about successful (and not-so-successful) models of play.
An informal social has happened in the past with the group and will be organized later following the completion of the workshop.
Sign up single $200





Couple sign up $400





,

The top 5 things you can do to improve your relationship in 2018

Every year researchers come up with new studies that outline the best way to stay connected with your significant other. Much of the advice seems like common sense. But even as a Sex and Relationship Therapist I have to remember to be mindful and find time to really focus on my partner with these ideas.
1. Stay positive:
“It’s not surprising that the more positive a person is, the more likely they’ll be happy in their relationships. What’s interesting is just how much it matters.
In a study from the University of Chicago, researchers found that when a husband has a high level of positivity, there’s less conflict in his relationship. Likewise, the way partners respond to each other’s good news matters too. In a study published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers found that the way couples react to each other’s good news—either with excitement, pride, or indifference—is crucial in forming a strong bond.”
2. Have a life outside of your partner:
Not only is it important to have something interesting to talk about at the end of the day, outside friendships can help reinforce the couple connection. This doesn’t mean losing emotional intimacy with your husband or wife. It just means that married couples have a lot to gain by fostering their relationships with family members and friends. The happiest couples, she says, are those who have interests and support “beyond the twosome.”
3. Have fun together and do new things:
I (along with my amazing husband) started a date night group a number of years ago called The Ducklings. If you are anywhere near Eastern Ontario then come on out and join us. What kept coming up was the need for fun ideas to keep things exciting. It’s really easy to get in a rut. Doing things that are out of your comfort zone together creates hard-to-break bonds. This also means just having fun together. Research from The University of Denver shows that couples who make time for fun activities tend to stay together longer:
“The more you invest in fun and friendship and being there for your partner, the happier the relationship will get over time,” says Howard Markman, a psychologist who co-directs the university’s Center for Marital and Family Studies.
“The correlation between fun and marital happiness is high, and significant.”
4. Make time for great Sex:
Yes I think sex is critical for relationships. Life can get in the way of being sexy. And as partners feel pushed away they are less likely to initiate. And sex starts to feel awkward. Being able to communicate about what your sexual needs are and asking for what you need sexually is something I often facilitate between spouses in my office.
“Anthony Lyons, a study co-author and research fellow at La Trobe, said the main lesson from the study is that couples need to learn how to communicate about their sexual needs or their reasons for not wanting sex.
“Couples need to talk about the frequency of sex,” Dr. Anthony said in an e-mail. “Talking openly about sex and finding a middle ground with regard to frequency appears to be very important for overall sexual and relationship satisfaction.”
It might seem silly to do something like scheduling time for intimacy, but it’s important to open up the dialogue about your sex life to dedicate some time to just be with each other.”
5. Communication and The division of labour:
Communication can be all important when it comes to impacting the relationship. I have a rule with my clients that they have to learn to talk about issues holding hands and maintaining eye contact. It helps. Understanding that if you can maintain your clam and learn to fight fair (here are the rules) then it goes a long way to settling the differences between couples.
Stop fighting about money, and quit talking about big issues by email or text.
Good communication takes effort, it’s hard, and it doesn’t always go smoothly. But when you let small things fester and don’t communicate, problems arise. Studies show that it’s usually money that causes this rift, but every relationship has its own set of issues that need to get worked through.
“Quit hashing out problems over text messages: Technology has a knack for disrupting relationships, but one study pinpointed that couples who deal with fights over text have a lower relationship quality. This means couples who used text messages to apologize or work out differences instead of having face to face conversations tended to report unhappiness. That said, positive texts like the occasional “I love you” are still great, just stop trying to work complicated things out over SMS.”
Finally, don’t be a dumbass when it comes to sharing the work load. I hear about how exhausted the women who visit my office are feeling. Some of it is self-inflicted in that they want to entertain perfectly or have a Marth Stewart Christmas. But many of them are working full time and then come home to another full time job cooking, cleaning, shopping, child care etc. Feeling overwhelmed and tired is one of the top reasons women are less interested in sex.
Contribute to the household chores: In a small scale study, UCLA researchers tracked the lives of several relationships over the course of 4 years. Their conclusions? Couple who have a system to handle household chores and who evenly disperse those chores are a lot happier. So, when you’re significant other makes the suggestion that you do the dishes now and again, just do it.