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New relationship research that outlines how satisfied you are with your partner.

It’s been an unprecedented two years & the strain on relationships have been incredible. Couple’s therapists have seen challenges with clients being locked down, relationships ending, levels of discord & abuse never before witnessed. The good news is that if your relationship has made it this far it is likely to make it through anything. There is a new study that outlines what

 the relationship characteristics that best predicted a person’s satisfaction were. They are:
  1. Perceived partner commitment
  2. Appreciation
  3. Sexual satisfaction
  4. Perceived partner satisfaction
  5. Conflict resolution
Interestingly, their partner’s personality or their partner’s perception of the relationship seemed to matter relatively little, Joel said.
And while factors such as your personality or whether or not you experience depression or anxiety could very well affect the quality of your relationship, building a relationship that you feel satisfied and secure in could outweigh those things, the study’s authors wrote.
“The fact that individual characteristics predicted relationship quality but did not provide any unique predictive power beyond relationship factors suggests that individual characteristics do matter, but their effects on relationship quality are largely attributable to their effects on relationship dynamics,” Justin Lavner, a psychologist at the University of Georgia says.
Getting through the pandemic without snapping at your partner can be considered Graduate school relationship dynamics. Most of the couples interviewed put their relationships first – and protected the couple dynamic rather that build walls and become defensive when the going got tough.
That’s hard to do if you have experienced childhood trauma. While intimate partners can heal those traumas (read about Stan Tatkin’s research & approach) outside pressures make it easy to revert back to unhealthy, isolating or needy behaviours.
Being around other couples who model great relationships help. That’s been near impossible during the pandemic. In a few cities, we run the Duckling Social Groups that are open to fully vaccinated individuals that let couples have fun, learn sex & relationship skills, and see healthy relationships modeled. So basically, go out on date nights. Find a community. Read a book about how family of origin can impact your marriage. Make an appointment with a therapist. Be gentle with yourself & your partner. It will get better.
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Men and performance anxiety. Why not keeping it up is all about the butterflies in your stomach

I regularly have Men in my office under the age of 50 struggling with erections. These aren’t older men with blood pressure, diabetes, and cholesterol, these are client after client of fit, active men who are freaking about that they are going to screw up a sexual encounter and are afraid to even start. These are guys who lose their erections because they worry they aren’t going to be hard enough. And sure enough they manifest a limper penis than is needed for intercourse. Or men who won’t go on a date for fear of failing in the bedroom. It’s the most common thing I see with men and can affect up to 25% of men in North America.

According to the Guardian article, “Many believe erectile dysfunction (ED), also known as impotence, is becoming more prevalent in young men. A recent study of 2,000 British men found that 50% of those in their 30s reported difficulties in getting and maintaining an erection. But Nicole Prause, a neuroscientist who specialises in sexual behaviour, says there is little scientific and statistical evidence of a growth in the prevalence of ED. “When you look representatively, there has not been an increase in erectile dysfunction. I see stats all the time reading, ‘It’s increased 1,000% in young men.’ But there’s no paper that says that.”

I feel badly for men. I’ve written before that culturally male identity is very strongly linked with their virility, penis size and performance. Be big enough, hard enough, last long enough, have some game in bed and generally be all that and more. It’s a hard place to be for modern men. I really do get it. It’s a physical reaction to a psychological situation. Just like what happens when you get the butterflies about doing a big work presentation.

What happens is the concern about staying hard (or lasting long) increases the cortisol levels and increases the chemical reactions that impede the release of nitric oxide that causes erections. Then men lose erections and the next time becomes worse as the anxiety builds.

So what can you do?

There are mediation,. mindfulness & hypnosis. That does work for some men but it takes a while. I have an immediate plan that solves the problem and overpowers this kind of sexual anxiety. There is also Sex Therapy to deal with touch, intimacy, upping your foreplay and oral skills and generally increasing your Sex IQ

But if you are looking to get started right away by initial suggestions are very straightforward.

1. Take 100mg of Kamagra or Cialis and hour before sexual activity.

2. Start taking estrogen blockers (any health food store) to help boost the testosterone.

3. Get yourself a leather snap cock ring. They have enough give to prevent tissue damage but act like a bra for your penis in supporting your erection.

4. Consider some low grade THC or CBD gummies. They decrease inflammation and help deal with the hamster wheel in your head.

5. Work out a positive mantra for sexual anxiety. I have a quick audio download I can send to anyone who signs up for my newsletter.

If that doesn’t work call me. We can do a 30 minute session (by Zoom or facetime) for $75 with immediate results. Let’s solve this problem.

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There are two types of low sexual desire among women – and other cool sex research in 2020

They offer free University classes to people over 70 where I live. I’ve decided that when I am retired I want to spend my golden years doing sex research. It’s so interesting.

There is a summary of the best new findings in sex in 2020 that offer up some new, some obvious, and some food for thought when it comes to new, published research this year.

The article summarizes some the facts about sex that made the news.

Things like:

  1. Over 60% of British citizens didn’t have or hardly wanted sex during the pandemic. While some women (who were probably rested for the first time in ages) wanted it more.
  2.  You can smell when a woman is aroused. Duh. But this is through her clothes and at a much less scent profile than previously thought.
  3. Viewing sex as an exchange of of favors tends to backfire. Being gracious, grateful, & generous in bed means you actually get more.
  4. Talking about sex really helps people with depression.
  5.  Your neglectful parents could be the cause of your rotten sex life.

I particularly liked the study about libido in women. It’s half of what I see in my practice.

“In a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers surveyed over 500 women in long-term relationships to try to identify a typology of desire. They found women struggling with low sexual desire can be categorized into one of two distinct groups: “globally distressed women” and “sexually dissatisfied women.” Globally distressed women had low sexual desire relative to other women, but they were also dealing with very low relationship satisfaction and high overall life stress. In comparison, sexually dissatisfied women also had relatively low sexual desire, but they had more normal levels of relationship satisfaction and life stress—suggesting their issues were contained to the bedroom.”

What it means for women is that some women have hormonal, relationship, psychological, & stress reasons for chronic low libido that won’t be fixed on it’s own. And other women have low sexual desire because their sex lives (& relationships) are poor.

Learning to ask for what you need and being better in bed is something concrete that will help. My new Sex Ed site has videos offering up “not your Mother’s Sex Ed” descriptions on just how to be better in bed.  It’s a great way to do something today to improve your sex skills & desire.

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Grown-Up Sex Ed Class on learning to dominate your partner with two Dominatrixes

We had a number of people recently ask about learning to dominate their partners. Or learn to be a pro Domme. Or just up their kinky IQ.
We have dominates willing to teach us in a riveting LIVE Grown-up Sex Ed class in a dungeon.

It’s going to be something. Three experts, handouts (and props!)

It’s time to really learn how to bring your partner (s) to their knees. Or learn to be a pro Domme. Sex positive career options are always interesting.
We have room for a couple of people in person (safely because of Covid guidelines). The rest is being done virtually. Cost is $20. Class is Sunday, Nov 29th at 3pm. Link will be provided to participants.

We will also be offering some of the class by Zoom but you really want to check out this class and have a chance for a few people to get “hands on” instruction.

Grown-Up Sex Ed Class on learning to dominate your partner with two Dominatrixes

We had a number of people recently ask about learning to dominate their partners. Or learn to be a pro Domme. Or just up their kinky IQ.
We have dominates willing to teach us in a riveting LIVE Grown-up Sex Ed class in a dungeon.

It’s going to be something. Three experts, handouts (and props!)

It’s time to really learn how to bring your partner (s) to their knees. Or learn to be a pro Domme. Sex positive career options are always interesting.
We have room for a couple of people in person (safely because of Covid guidelines). The rest is being done virtually. Cost is $20. Class is Sunday, Nov 29th at 3pm. Link will be provided to participants.

We will also be offering some of the class by Zoom but you really want to check out this class and have a chance for a few people to get “hands on” instruction.