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So you are still single? New ideas on meeting the right person. How to win at in-person and online dating.

I was recently asked about the best way to meet, fall in love or at least in lust and connect in a real way. Help Sue, where do you meet someone to love?
It’s fall, time of pumpkin pie, crisp apples and sheering myself hoarse at football games. But if you are doing it by yourself, those things are not nearly so much fun.
So where exactly do you meet someone who gets it? How do you find someone who thinks your collection of Star Wars figurines are cool, or who knows how to make a incredible creme brule? Where is YOUR person to be found?
I think online dating is still a great way to connect but there are plenty of pitfalls. I know tons of people who are now happily married after meeting online. Even the basic free sites like plenty of fish (the site that I call “the Kmart of dating sites”) can work to find a kindred spirit. I also know two women who had long conversations with men who turned out to be Nigerian scammers looking for laptops and money. The good, the great the bad, and the scary are all online. Dating via the internet allows you to correspond safely, google someone in advance to be sure of their authenticity, and at least know that they can spell. Things you can’t find out when you meet at a bar. But safety and prudence are important.
I think if you are strategic, prepared to do the work you can meet someone special online. The work I mean is time consuming emails, and regularly changing your profile, spreadsheets to keep track of who you are talking to and meeting different people for lots of coffees and “so what do you do” conversations. You need to kiss a number of frogs before you meet someone who rocks your world.
There are a couple of new interesting sites like marriageminded.com, zoosk or our time.
I liked the founder of marriageminded’s thoughts on being the kind of person you would want to date:
“If you have succumbed to watching Netflix from the couch while eating fast food and you want a partner who is physically fit you had better run not walk to the gym.” Be interesting. Do not put your life on hold or defer happiness until you meet The One? Take that trip overseas, become a homeowner, get a new hobby or entertain more. It will eliminate the smell of desperation and make you a much more interesting and confident person.”
There are lots of articles and blogs about finding love online. I’ve written a couple of them so have a read at
But where else can you meet these days? Stella Ellis, the plus-size sex maven who is the muse of the design world says she meets men sitting in outdoor cafes. She always has something interesting on her table and then makes friends with everyone around her. If you aren’t so naturally outgoing come up with your own schtick for meeting prospects. I advised one client, a sales rep who worked lots of trade show to keep her bag stocked with Hershey’s kisses when working the floor at trade shows. She then asked attractive men “if they wanted a kiss”. She said she gives out chocolate and gets phone numbers. Or a friend of mine who helps his grandmother sell her knitted scarves at craft fairs in November. He spends time with his favorite Nanna and she acts likes the world’s best wingman talking him up to any woman in earshot.
Try places where the opposite sex congregate. I have struck up more conversations with hunky guys in tool belts at Home Depot then I can count. I also like beer tasting, playoff parties, and political events for meeting men. If you want to meet women, try wine pairings, lectures, and anything with chocolate. I’m convinced that all women are sugarholics. And international chocolate day is next week. Find an event in your city. And simple be passionate. Go to places where people are passionate about things they believe in. Animal rescue groups, save the river, or support your local city counselor. Just get out there and put your best foot forward. Your person is out there waiting for you.

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So you are thinking about swinging? A Sex Therapist outlines the rules of Lifestyle play so that you don't blow up your relationship.

It’s called swinging or what is referred to by those in the know as the “Lifestyle”. And it’s becoming one of the more common issues I see my office these days as a sex therapist. If trying to keep things hot is an ever-popular workshop seminar, then “How to have crazy, wild monkey sex (that may include your next door neighbors) without screwing up your relationship” is now topic de jour.
So how do you start? What happens? How do you dip a toe in? Agh! The worry is that that something you want to try to enhance your relationship will mess up what you already have.
I could literally write a book (and many have) on this but I think talking through venturing into this abyss is worth doing with your partner a few hundred thousand times. Swinging like most has some good things, some amazing things, some bad and some crazy things about it. I’ve seen it really enhance relationships. I’ve also seen it blow relationships up. Either way, you can’t put the genie back in the bottle once you start.
I’ve written a blog on writing a sex contract and outlining expectations before venturing anywhere near outside sexual activity. If you are hoping for a threesome with a old friend or plan on naked hot tubbing with another couple then reading and talking (with or without directed help like a sex therapist) is mandatory. I certainly always say that writing your rules, safe words, expectations and plans for troubleshooting down in a contract format. Give it a read at /
Once you are both explicitly clear on the rules of engagement, then what do you do? I’m not going to cover jealousies, safe sex or a bevy of those issues in this blog. Keep coming back there is more to come. But know that there are other things you’ll need to think about. swing3
As a starting point, You need to advertise for the right person or people with whom to play with.
For couples looking for partners it’s a bit of a mine field. It can be anything from are you available tonight, to might these people become real friends. So the steps for most couples when advertising for play partners are:
1. Talk about what you want and boundaries between the two of you ad nauseum.
2. Write the ad together and place it on one of the adult dating sites.
3. Communicate extensively about pictures and confidentiality between the two of you.
4. Volley back and forth online with the expectation that you will meet for a drink within two weeks of starting the communication. If the correspondent isn’t willing to meet you then something’s up. It’s a man who hasn’t spoken to his wife, the person is a single man pretending to be someone else, or they are a picture collector. Move on immediately.
5. Some correspondents want to skype, face time, or speak on the phone to verify that you are indeed who you say you are.
6. Meet for the drink, coffee or casual rendezvous at the club to see if there is any mutual attraction.
Important things to look for are:
a) Are they respectful to each other? It’s a HUGE flag if they put their partner down in any way.
b) Have they lied to you in any major way?. Ie age, experience or relationship status.
c) Are they authentic? Can they make eye contact, tell stories and are consistent?
d) Have they cancelled more than once with a good explanation?
Single women
Many couples are hoping to find a single woman to join them. Single women that want to play with both men and women are the elusive “unicorn” of the lifestyle world. These women are very hard to find. Single women in the lifestyle are often recently out of relationships and are only free until they find a new permanent relationship. So they are transient. They want friendship and to be treated elegantly. And they are known however to flake out. Meaning you book something with them and they cancel at the last minute. Flakey also means that single women are often only interested in playing once a month when they are ovulating and horny. So don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from them the other three weeks a month. Single women respond best to elegant, fully dressed body pictures (heads can be cropped for discretion) and NOT to erection pictures. Single women are usually not impressed by pictures and descriptions of genitalia. Women want to know who you are, not how many inches you are. So if you want to appeal to women, either single or in a couple tell them who you are, not what your sexual prowess is.
I know it seems contraindicated when advertising for a casual hook up partner, but most people (read men who do the advertising) keep pushing the body parts. However for 90% of women it’s about fun, attention, elegance flirting, looking and feeling beautiful and feeling safe. Then you’ll get the tiger in the bedroom. Yes it will take longer. But you will get more than a one and done if you take the high road. I believe in the adage that: “Men hate feeling used, and women hate feeling cheap”. So don’t imply that you are using them as a way augment your sex life, without paying attention to them and finding out what they want. If you are using them as a toy without treating them with respect, your adventures with that women (single, coupled, or play friend) will be very short lived.
Given that it is women who determine whether or not play happens it behooves you to pay attention to what women will respond to. Women will respond to funny. They will respond to words of safety (ie. Little old ladies and puppies like us). Words like discretion, smells nice, upscale, professional, comedy, and fun work. And given that most women are addicted to sugar, enticing them with wine, chocolate, ice cream etc. will always get a double glance. Try it if you don’t believe me.
Other couples
Go back and read the single woman paragraph. Absolutely make note of the fact that in the lifestyle it’s the women who move the chains or veto play partners. It doesn’t mean that you both can’t thumbs down a situation, it means that for the most part it’s the men who are driving this and women who red or green light play on any particular day. For women to feel sexy they need to feel safe, clean and supported. Many of the women in the lifestyle want the crazy sex (I’ve met prim and proper accountants by day that want to do a three man gangbang when they play), but they ALL want to be treated like ladies over coffee. From a gender point of view men are hunters. They want to meet, secure the deal, score and part friends until the next time. Women want to feel beautiful, imagine they have new friends, be admired, plan what they are going to wear (often for hours on end), and hope they have an orgasm. When you ask women in the lifestyle why they play it’s about the fun of the hedonistic lifestyle. Things like sexy costumes, feeling powerful by having men look at them with desire, great dinner parties where everyone flirts, those butterflies in your stomach when you get turned on. Men primarily want new partners, new positions, and the feeling of being virile and testing out their skills on someone different.
So when advertising for a couple our advice is to focus on the fun, togetherness and playfulness of the experience. We also suggest that you hint at the overall prowess without bragging. Gentle modesty or even self-deprecating humor is attractive to female partners. Find a tone that is inclusive of both partners, but leave something to the imagination. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve heard from couples that they would prefer to discover what’s under the wrapping for themselves rather than have it described and displayed upfront.
A word about pictures.
We know discretion is critical. Most lifestyle communities are very intermingled. That being said, (rightly or wrongly) the lifestyle can be a bit of a beauty contest. While there are people of a huge range of sizes, shapes, ages, and colors in this game, having a great picture is important. A selfie in the car on the way home from work doesn’t cut it. We explain that in the general dating world a common rule of thumb is that men look better than their pictures and women look worse. Meaning men simply take a picture. Women get their hair, makeup and lighting just right and then have their picture taken. In the lifestyle world, a tasteful but flirty picture is the way to go. Look good. It’s not right that you are being judged, but you are.
Single men
If you are a single man hoping to dip a toe into lifestyle play then we highly recommend the book

    Swingland

by Daniel Stern. It’s the pitfalls, specific stories and experiences of a single man’s few years playing in the lifestyle world without a partner.
If you are advertising for a single man to join you (either alone or with your partner) then you are in a buyer’s market. But finding the right guy to join you isn’t as easy as you think. The truth is that many men are looking for what you can do for them, rather than what they can do for you. (It is also a sad fact but this happens frequently in couples meeting couples too).
These are the nuts and bolts of extra-marital activity that have evolved after talking to couples for decades. It’s a snap shot on trouble shooting what’s going on sexually. But it isn’t the whole story. If you really want to start in this arena and want a guide then send me an email at suem@rogers.com. We can do a skype session.

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How to make your own inexpensive, try-this-at-home sex toy kit that will leave your partner gasping

I think everyone should have a tickle trunk of interesting sensation play sex things that’s locked up away from the kids. Now since most of the world is on a budget, and because I love toys that are versatile and do lots of things I thought I would make up a fun kit suggestion list. So when I googled any variation on “make your own sex kit” I only got hits like:
Clone your willy – how to make a cast of your penis. I also found loads of online sex toy companies trying to sell you a huge amount of stuff that hasn’t stood up to real life play. Now making a cast of your penis and your own home-made sex toy is cool (and is something I would do before any guy has prostate surgery) but it wasn’t the tone I was going for to create my kit list. I also think you don’t need to have lots of expensive toys in it. Yes, I think the Hitachi Magic Wand at $80 rocks, and I love my $200 Intensity shocker vibrator, but many of the best toys available can be found at Canadian Tire or other hardware stores. Blaik, my love, has a particular fondness for pillow cases. Put your arms behind your back, slide a pillow case over both arms and lie back. He then challenges you to get your arms out. Great restraint you can get out of by rolling over (if your partner lets you) and you already have access to one on the bed.
So before hitting the sex shop, how about trying the office supply store, hardware and grocery stores? Yes, I put things from the sex shop on the list, but I would start with some inexpensive sensation play toys.
Here’s my list:
Rope:
My sweetie found 200 feet of rope for $15 at Rona Hardware store recently. He measured it all out and cut it in chunks of 10, 15, 25, and 40 foot sections. He put electrical tape on the ends and I found him a lingerie bag to hold it all and to wash it in. Take a rope class, or watch a few youtube videos about rope bondage and with minimal practice and you’ll soon be a restraint expert. Invest in a sharp pair of scissors ($7) to add to the kit for rope malfunctions and safety.
Blindfold:
You can use a scarf, a serviceable sleeping mask or one of the cheap blindfolds you are given on long flights from the airlines. Maybe invest in a brilliant leather one…. blindfolds are the bomb. Covering your partner’s eyes so that they won’t see what’s coming up next can be a monstrous turn on. Most sex shops have them in a reasonable price range from $10 to $40.
Massage bar or soap crayon:
I like these solid massage bars that turn into a liquid when they get warm from body heat. In different flavours and scents, they look like bars of soap you gently run over your partner’s body. They leave a lotion behind that you can use to complete the massage. They are especially great before you take a bath together. And speaking of baths, the soap crayon that they sell for kids (I have seen them at Tiggy’s and other great kids stores) can be used in the bathtub to write on your partners skin and leave sexy messages while getting them clean are fabulous! Some come with bubble bath so the bath can digress into something more romantic. Great colours are available, and the darker colours will really help you leave love messages.
Washable markers:
Unlike some of the groups that uses permanent markers to write out the naughty words you see across people’s bodies on the kink sites, a set of washable markers in multiple colours to write love notes on your partner’s body may be just the thing before the aforementioned bubble bath.
Duct Tape:
Duct tape isn’t all grey anymore. Duct tape can be used to restrain legs and arms, to bind a lover to furniture, or as a gag. Of course it provides an added sadomasochistic thrill when it is pulled free (with attached body hair!). Oh, and let’s not forget the Duct Tape Corset again which you can see on youtube. About $5-$8 depending on size of roll.
Feather duster:
I have a couple of simple feather toys that I really, really like. Coupled with a blindfold, this is the ultimate in inexpensive sensation play toys. You can use a simple feather bought for under a dollar from the craft store or an immaculate ostrich feather. Imagine your partner lying across the bed in candlelight with bedroom eyes. Now imagine running a feather across their skin. “Nuff said.
Ruler or Wooden Spoon:
Now I have a good collection of wooden spoons in my kitchen. And anyone in our family knew that was the one thing my Mom used to threaten us with (even now as adults) when we were being rotten. I also have a few favourites that are strictly used with my toy kit. Smile. As well, rulers from Staples are interesting if you are a little kinky. With imagination, they have selection of paddles to put most sex shops to shame. A ruler like a wooden spoon is a classic impact toy, with all kinds of wild associations. You and your play partner will probably adore this even before you add in teacher/student role-play or Catholic schoolgirl outfits.
Tenga Egg:
You either love these or they leave you completely indifferent. Tenga’s are little silicone hand job sleeves that come packaged up as cute eggs. The interiors feature bumps and grooves designed with pleasure in mind. With a little lube you run them up and down the penis and watch his eyes roll back in his head. They can be washed, or thrown out afterwards. I find that one lasts about 10 times if you are careful. And each variety (indicated by name and colour) offers different terrain inside. I also suggest them for guys with premature ejaculation issues. They are about $10 and are available at most sex stores.
Bullet:
This $15 toy is the ultimate in versatility. It requires a few small batteries but it really moves. You can use it around nipples, the clit, the head of the penis, the back of the testicles, and anywhere except anally. They are small and may get lost in there.
Other items that you can find around the house that are great and inexpensive to add some heat to your regular coupling are:
Chocolate sauce (I like maple syrup), clothes pins, latex gloves, almond oil, baby or olive oil, pet store leashes and collars, and shower curtains or drop clothes (for protecting the bed).
The goal here is to try things that are out-of-the-norm and work at keeping the sex spicy. Making efforts to keep the sex new and interesting pays huge dividends in all aspects of your relationship.

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Why you should think about writing a contract for your sex life.

I’m a big believer in contracts. I think good paper makes good friends. I so firmly believe in this practice that I structure lots of interpersonal understandings and negotiate on paper. Renovating with my sweetie was a good example of this. Wen we agree to renovate a room in the house I think Martha Stewart wannabe, new furniture etc. He has a vision of a can of Canadian Tire paint and we are finished. So we contract it to manage both our expectations. I help write contacts for couples who want to try something usual in the bedroom. BDSM or tying your partner to the bedpost is a good example of this kind of agreement. That’s what I thought the brilliance was in 50 Shades of Grey. It sure wasn’t the writing. E.L. James the author put in a kinky contract reserved for edgy play agreements into a mainstream erotic novel that went out to women all over. I wish I had thought of it.
Contracts makes things clear between two parties.
I used to teach pre-marraige courses for the Anglican Church and I spoke often about the need for a written agreement to head off fights that happen between new couples. It was usually around the three most controversial issues for people just starting the live together. They are money, sex and housework. It was always surprising to me that modern guys had this belief that their wives would work all week and do most of the housework. Or that women felt that sex once a month for most healthy, adult men was adequate. Think of the dish schedule your mom used to put up in the kitchen. I really do believe that if you can write up something clearly about where you want this aspect of your life to go, it will encourage understanding.
It’s not just for interpersonal relationships that contracts are becoming in vogue. It’s all the rage now for workplaces to look at something called a love contract. It may seem a bit Big Brotherish, but it’s an issue. There are more and more relationships have been originating in the workplace. Sometimes when the relationship goes sour, the parties can cause some problems (harassment claims etc…) within the workplace. In an effort to prevent such problems without completely banning office relationships, employers are instituting Love Contracts. A workplace Love Contract often covers things like refraining from public displays of affection, one person will be moved to another department, and a notification to the supervisor when the relationship has ended etc…
But if you are having a difficulty being on the same page with your partner- especially when it comes to sexual adventures, you might want to consider a sex agreement. I’ve put a sample on below but they can really just offer clarity around an emotional topic. If you are having trouble, drop me a line and it’s usually a quick one-off counseling session to set things right. It may really help your relationship or give you a quick roadmap to the kind of hot sex you’ve been fantasizing about.
Lifestyle Contract
The goal is to have new sexual adventures that will enhance your relationship.
Any play will be mutually beneficial and will work on pleasing both partners. A close, connected relationship is the anticipated outcome.
We agree that play happens with both of us together so that it doesn’t make us twitchy.
The lifestyle/kinky sex is to be fun for both. However the primary relationship comes first. When there is discord, play becomes disconnecting. So daily 30 second hugs, and lots of communication is paramount.
Increased cuddling, and reassurance needs to happen after any play. A regular effort to increase cuddling, kissing and connection should happen all the time but especially after play.
Both partners have veto power. And all thoughts and opinions WILL be respected on the outcome.
Fights over kinky sex puts play on hold for a duration of 2 weeks.
There will be a sensuous date night for every lifestyle and or play activity that happens.
No sex is better than bad sex because it pushes interest in lifestyle play away.
The premise is that play enhances our relationship. The emphasis is on fun, friendship, laughter, connection, heat, intimacy, and community. Pressure and a lack of communication impacts this philosophy.
Safe words need to be established. Especially a word that requires an immediate check in for the both of you.
The lifestyle (like anything new sexually) is a moving target. Conditions may be added and removed as we progress down this road. Integrity, communication and togetherness are the underlying premises. We have discussed this at length and agree to these terms.
Signed _________________________________________ Date _______________________
Signed __________________________________________ Date _______________________

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Ottawa’s sultry underbelly

Anytime I’m traveling and I mention that I’m a sex therapist from Ottawa I brace myself for the inevitable comments. I have heard the quip that “people from Ottawa don’t have sex” more times than I can count.
The truth is that those of us who call the Nation’s Capital home are far more sexually diverse than it appears on the surface. For example, it turns out that Ottawa has the highest number of burlesque performers per capita than anyplace in North America according to the burlesque directory. Rockalilly burlesque performer Rhapsody Blue says “that with eight active burlesque troops, Ottawa ranks first for our population”. I think that people in Ottawa appear to be buttoned down by day. But when civil servants and lobbyists let their hair down, they are often much less prudish than the rest of the country imagines they are. “Ottawa audiences line up to see glitter, boobs, legs and pasties” she says. Burlesque is sometimes referred to as “feminist stripping”, or “the art of the tease. And “the majority (80%) of the audiences attending burlesque shows are women”, says Kicky Laroux another longtime burlesque performer. Burlesque classes are filled with woman who want to learn how to burlesque dance for their partners privately, finally deal with their body image issues or what Rhapsody calls, “shake their jiggly bits in public.”
Ottawa also has a very active fetish community. Called munches or sloshes, there are weekly gatherings to discuss any and all kinks at restaurants around the city. Ottawa residents can be a kinky lot. Think 50 Shades of Grey only in real life. Psychologically it appears that if you make decisions all day, you tend to be quite sexually submissive. So in a full city of politicians, diplomats, and defense contractors who must behave like grownups during the day, many of these power individuals want to be kneeling before black boots by night. While the Washington DC Dominatrix population is larger, Ottawa more than holds its own in the number of women that will role-play with you for money.
We also have our fair share of couples exploring what is commonly called “The Lifestyle” in and around town. The term swinging may be outdated, but the number of people interested in exploring it is significant and on the rise. While indicating your desire to play by leaving your garage door halfway up is an urban myth, exploring sex with your significant other in non-monogamous ways is one of the most common questions I get these days as a sex therapist. Lifestyle play is most popular with a well-educated, affluent and cosmopolitan population and Ottawa definitely fits that description. Trying to discuss enhancing your intimate relationship by including other people without stepping into minefields is a growing area of sex therapy in our city. There are three active places in the area where couples meet (one opened recently in October) and the murmurs about frequent house parties linger about town if you know where to listen.
Finally, there is the amazing number of $125 fines given out every year by the NCC for having outdoor sex in one of the area’s green spaces. Ottawa has lots of people who are caught making out by the river on their lunch hours. While I encourage getting outside to frolic, I don’t suggest doing it where there are people walking around. NCC spokesman Jean Wolff said, “while the land is accessible to everyone, some people abuse the privilege.”
So next time you get a smirk and comment from your Torontocentric friends about “how Ottawa is the place where the streets roll up at 7 pm”, you can tell them with some authority that Ottawa is simply discreetly sexy.

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Why love is simply not enough to make it.

I tell my clients that simply “being in love” isn’t enough to fix all of their problems. Unfortunately, love doesn’t conquer all. With a 52% divorce rate in this country, couples needs more tools besides love in order to make relationships sustainable. Things like attraction, similar interests and values, support systems, courtesy and acceptance. You can go to your grave loving someone but if you can’t live with them them relationships are doomed. So what can you do? There is a great article by Mark Manson (http://markmanson.net/love/) talking about why this adage is oh-so-true.
Manson calls them three harsh truths about love:
1. Love does not equal compatibility. Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process; compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well.
2. Love does not solve your relationship problems. My first girlfriend and I were madly in love with each other. We also lived in different cities, had no money to see each other, had families who hated each other, and went through weekly bouts of meaningless drama and fighting. Unsurprisingly, that relationship burst into flames and crashed like the Hindenburg being doused in jet fuel. The break up was ugly. And the big lesson I took away from it was this: while love may make you feel better about your relationship problems, it doesn’t actually solve any of your relationship problems.
3. Love is not always worth sacrificing yourself. One of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to think outside of yourself and your own needs to help care for another person and their needs as well.
But the question that doesn’t get asked often enough is exactly what are you sacrificing, and is it worth it?
I used to teach a pre-marriage course with the United Church of Canada. I spoke of the 5 reasons that most people get divorced. They are being absent (physically, emotionally, workaholic), sex and sexual infidelity, conflicts about money, division of labor (read: housework), and interfering or conflicting extended families. never was that the couple in question didn’t love each other.
There is nothing more exciting than a new relationship. That love-sick feeling lifts you up and sends you spinning. But as I remind people in new relationships “it’s simply chemicals and you mustn’t make any life altering decisions for the first 9 to 15 months.” So enjoy the feelings. We are all envious about the excitement. But find a selection committee and listen to them. Do some due diligence. Investigate this relationship. Because listen up, love is simply not enough to make it.

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Testosterone, the hormone for both sexes

I see it in my office every day. Women come in who don’t feel sexy, men who can’t get it up, and couples for whom sex is a distant memory. Yes the issue can be that your partner is driving you nuts and isn’t doing the work to turn you on. And sometimes these problems are caused by general exhaustion, emotional challenges, baggage about sex, psychological factors, and general relationship conflicts. But more times than not, sexual challenges are created when something goes wrong with the internal power supply. For men whose heads are clear, and whose bodies are working properly, it’s usually all systems go. I think most women have a sense that men think about sex a lot. But when the man in your life starts reaching for the remote control rather than pinching your bottom, it could be a hormonal difficulty.
I call it the “Archie Bunker Syndrome”. Named after the grumpy old curmudgeon in the 70’s sitcom, the Archie Bunker Syndrome is what happens to men as they age and their testosterone starts depleting. You may be living with an “Archie”. You can recognize them as men who have beer bellies, fall asleep on the couch after dinner, and are no longer interested in chasing you around the house for sex. I have a physician friend of mine who thinks that most men over 50 should be on at least a base supplemental level of testosterone. For the men in our lives, testosterone (T) is the main hormone that keeps them active, healthy, and masculine. I also like to say it’s responsible for those sexy playoff beards. There are a few over the counter supplements for raising testosterone as well as some suggestions like increasing the amount of celery you feed your partner and suggesting they bath their testicles in cold water after a shower. You may get a better result than I did when I pitched that idea.
So it’s vital for men but how relevant is it for women? In a word, essential. As a sex therapist I spend a great deal of my day talking about how low T can impact your libido. Yet it’s one of those hormones that your doctor rarely tests you for, and you often have to ask for it specifically. I have clients send me their free testosterone numbers and often suggest they investigate whether or not a hormonal imbalance between their many hormones may be causing their depression-like symptoms. It’s certainly related (along with a few other hormones) to the physical factors causing the loss of sex drive. But testosterone is more than simply the barometer of how horny you may be. It’s what puts that wiggle in our hips, the bounce in our steps and the urge to leap out of bed in the morning.
Here’s what happens. We hit 40 and we may start to feel less aroused, less able to lose weight and generally start to feel sluggish. Testosterone is the hormone that begins to decline anywhere from ages 35 to 40. Followed by a decrease in progesterone and then finally at 50 our estrogen plummets. It’s the loss of estrogen that we associate with menopause, hot flashes and sleep problems. But our hormones have been depleting over the previous 10 years during peri-menopause. According to the fabulous book about women and testosterone called The Secret Female Hormone by Dr. Kathy Maupin, it’s really the loss of testosterone that leaves us feeling old. Testosterone is responsible for our youthful bodies. It improves muscle mass, and skin elasticity. Low testosterone in women causes an increase in cellulite, dry eyes, abdominal fat, fatigue, autoimmune reactions such as arthritis, dry skin and hair loss. The problem is that those symptoms are masked among a variety of other causes that has both you and your doctor thinking about other issues besides hormonal depletion.
The problem is that finding the right amount of testosterone isn’t an exact science. Traditionally, women were given male amounts (the only thing originally on the market) which quite literally put hair on their chests. As one woman described to me who had abnormally high testosterone results “I want to kill him, not jump him”. However the science is starting to catch up. We have a few compounding pharmacies in town that make bio-identical hormones that are exactly the right amount for your blood work. We have specialists in town that know the power of balancing progesterone and testosterone based on evidence-based medicine. There really is no one size fits all when it comes to hormones. Test and use the amount that you would have naturally produced when you were 30. I think anything that gets us back to how we felt at 30 is a public service. And if it’s something your body makes anyway, and it’s done in conjunction with your physician, testosterone can be the difference between night and day in terms of how sexy you feel. I think we need to become the experts of our own bodies. That means asking questions of our doctors, keeping a journal of our own blood work results, and becoming better aware of what’s changing. Our sexual selves may need some attention. I think exploring the reasons that you may not be feeling as sexy is critically important to quality of life. There is a great quote by Judith Plaskow that reads “If sexuality is one dimension of our ability to live passionately in the world then in cutting off our sexual feelings we diminish our overall power to feel and value deeply.” So if you have lost that bounce in your step, or you live a Carol O’Connor character I encourage you to investigate further.
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How to reinvent yourself and become sexier.

Most people live a life of acceptance. We go through our days of work, kids, groceries, extended family and laundry. We are so busy caught up in the day to day that we don’t spend a few minutes every day reaching towards the goals we want to attain. So how do you reinvent yourself to become the person you want to be? A large group of women polled by the University of Arizona were asked “what they would most like to change about themselves” and the answers were as expected. The women 25-55 wanted to be happier, thinner, richer, sexier, in better shape, and to find more time for themselves. Those are things most women I know relate to. I know that thinner and physically fitter top my list of goals year after year.
What all of these goals have in common is that they are large goals about self care.
The truth is that happiness occurs when we reach our goals. These are the big goals we have set out to achieve in our lifetime. And that is where the feeling of accomplishment factors in. It is when we like ourselves the most. Feeling sexier is one of those big goals that make us happier and contributes to our overall quality of life.
If you are like me, you’ve learned that you only need to work hard to get what you want. But as a sex therapist I know that sexuality is one of those things that you can’t power through. You can’t strong-arm desire. You can’t force yourself to feel sexual chemistry if it isn’t there. You also can’t seem to work harder to have the feeling you want. Tell any depressed person to “simply be happier” and I’ll guarantee that they won’t appreciate your pat answer. Its little things done regularly that add up to large shifts.
So how do we change those sexual feelings and become the sexy woman we all want to be?
It starts with loving the body we are in. I know, easier said than done. It is one of the universal things about women. We ALL have body image issues. Even the one Supermodel I met at a conference thought her thighs were too fat. One of the key things I see with women who don’t feel sexy is distaste for their own vaginas. Whether you were told that nice girls don’t touch themselves, or you think your girl parts are weird looking, it may be time to find a mirror and really check yourself out. Men seem to be very familiar with their genitals. For a lot of women, it’s often a mystery down there. It’s not the only thing that defines your sexuality (I still preach that the brain is the biggest sex organ) but it is one of the big areas of sexual sensation. I often tell clients that “if they can’t play with their own equipment, it’s hard to tell a partner what you actually like”. I think that if you want to feel sexy about yourself, you need to fall in love with your vajayjay and spend some alone time with it now and then.
There are typical things you can list off to “fake it until you make it” to feel sexier today. I have a friend whose one indulgence is spectacular lingerie under her kid-friendly clothes as a kindergarten teacher. Or I know of a client who puts on a pair of vibrating panties before she leaves work. She drives home buzzing and is feeling very sexy when she hits her driveway. Reading erotica, learning to salsa dance or taking flirting to a new level with the men at the bus stop can get your sexy motor running and is good for your mojo.
It feels good to feel sexy. I have my clients say that out loud in therapy. Try it right now. I FEEL SEXY! Have a listen to my sexual hypnosis audio on discovering your sexy self. Call it personal training for your sexuality. That sexy woman inside you will thank you for it.

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So you think you might be a little bit kinky?

bdsmSo what is the difference between being kinky and why is it called BDSM?
The term BDSM dates back to 1969; The term is believed to have been formed either from joining the term B&D (bondage and discipline) with S&M (sadomasochism or sadism and masochism meaning the enjoyment of giving and receiving pain). BDSM communities generally welcome anyone with a non-normative streak who identifies with the community; this may include cross-dressers, extreme body mod enthusiasts, animal players, latex or rubber aficionados, and others in an overall term called kinky.
Kink is a catch -all phrase to mean things like role-playing fantasies (everything from dressing up like a pony, to a one piece leather outfit. It can also mean exchanging gender roles, giving up or taking sexual power (dominance and submission), sensation play like sadomasochism, fetishes (think pantyhose, foot, or corsets). Tristan Taormino defines kink as “an intimate experience, an exchange in power between people that can be physical, erotic, sexual, psychological, spiritual in some combination. People who practice kink explore the territory between pleasure and pain, eroticize the exchange of power, experience intense physical sensations and psychological scenarios, and test and push their limits.”
Although kink can incorporate everything from people who sexualize stuffed animals to the occasional passion for great thigh-high boots I think there are three main areas of being kinky that appeals to the masses.
The first is Domination and Submission. This is about the power exchange. You surrender to the experience in a safe and consensual way . Being dominate, means that you find personal and sexual gratification from taking charge and having your play partner (called a sub) do what you want. Submissive means that you sexually enjoy doing what you’re told without thought again in a safe and consensual way. Some people go further and want to be humiliated, dressed in the clothes of the other gender and punished for imaginary slights. It is the release of power that feels cathartic for some submissive people. I’m convinced that a majority of people (70% in my estimation) are submissive, 20% are dominate and 10% can switch back and forth. It’s the most common fantasy for women (rip my clothes off and take me!) and is the most mainstream of all forms of “kinkiness”. Domination and Submission often (but not always) involves devices like clothes, restraints, rope, collars, and clothes such as leather and latex that can be called fetish.
Fetish is the second group of kink. Fetishism or sexual fetishism is the sexual arousal a person receives from a physical object, or from a specific situation. The object or situation of interest is called the fetish; the person who has a fetish for that object/situation is a fetishist.
By this we mean any body part or inanimate object that particularly turns you on. These are things like strong preferences “I’m a leg guy” or “I find the sexiest thing about men are their hands”. It can also be very specific. “I’m aroused by pierced belly buttons, or painted toes.” It can also incorporate an object. Things like rubber, lace, hats, shoes, balloons, nylons are all common fetishes. It just means that regular sex would be ranked as a 2, and sex with the object of desire would be an 11.
I have clients who can’t get aroused unless they are wearing nylons, or having their partner wear something that meets their specific fetish ie. Garters, tight pants, pointy boots, hats, raincoats etc.
The final group is that of what is called sensation play. This is a type of kink that includes the term sadism and masochism (S & M) where giving and receiving pain becomes sexual in nature. It can also include anything that triggers a strong reaction. Things like dripping wax on your partner, playing with an ice cube, using picks, floggers, canes on their skin. There is a fine line between pleasure and pain and sensation play weaves on both sides of that line.
The reason you are hearing about “being kinky” more (besides the 20 million copies of 50 Shades of Grey sold) is that the internet has made finding about your particular sexual interest much more mainstream. Anytime you get a group of people together with the same interests, it normalizes it. And now you can find people who are also turned on by your specific interest. That’s why there are over 50 main porn categories and hundreds of sub sets.
Most people fall on a sexual continuum like we’ve been describing from very vanilla, to five kinds of flavours with chocolate sprinkles. The challenge is to explore what you might be interested in by taking it one step at a time. There is also the difficulty that while one partner may find one form of kink interesting while the other finds it distasteful. Like with all sexual play, there is the worry that you must be some kind of pervert if you like this stuff. The truth is that everyone has secret sexual desires and fantasies. And the longer I’m a sex therapist the more I’m convinced that everyone ( and I mean everyone has something private that falls into one of these categories.
So read about them. Come up with safe words. Try sex out of your comfort zone. You may be surprised at how much it turns you on.

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Why Jim Flaherty, burlesque pasties, and smelling the roses might help your relationship. A newsletter from Sue McGarvie


Jim Flaherty, Mission Statements and why smelling the roses are important
I met the former cabinet Minister Jim Flaherty in an elevator one afternoon in Ottawa. After exchanging pleasantries, he complemented me on the points I had brought forth during a CTV panel I had just finished. Minister Flaherty as it turns out was in the green room before me and caught my 30 seconds of fame on sex and Canadians. He had that innate charm of successful politicians where in the moment that you have his attention you feel like the only person in the world. I left the encounter smiling and charmed.
So I was saddened to hear news of his sudden death earlier this month.
As when anytime someone dies early, it makes you ponder your own mortality. Jim Flaherty’s demise a few weeks after his retirement from a very stressful career is a reminder for us to stop and smell the roses.
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Women, body image and sexuality
It’s starting again. Our unbelievably powerful workshop on women, sexuality and body image. It came out of discussion with women who hate their bodies to the point that they can’t be naked in front of their partners. Women who had shut down their sexuality and were experiencing low libido because of body perceptions, hormonal imbalances and a lousy self image. It’s going to be small, proactive, and empowering. Think cutting edge information on hormones, weight, and nutrition. The latest news in exaggerating sexuality and a chance to connect with cool other women that get it. Space is very limited. Send me an email now at suem@rogers.com if you’re interested in loving yourself again.
Find out what you may be missing for real change in a supportive, group environment that brings together Ottawa’s best experts in health, weight loss, hormones and body image.
A month of five Saturday mornings starting May 10, 2014 for 90 minutes. 9:30 to 11:00 am. $60 a meeting, ($300 total with full insurance receipts provided)
81 Pooler Ave. Refreshments, cutting-edge information, reading materials etc. all provided. Read More
Feather boas, crops and getting down to your pasties… how Ottawa couples are keeping it hot.
We started with the topic of sexual communication. Then everyone handed in their most private fantasies on anonymous cue cards. We then brainstormed on the props needed to act out the intimate fantasies of suburban couples. Welcome to modern sexuality workshops, that give couples the skills to keep their intimate life (and thus their married life), hot, connected and fun. Sue and her husband Blaik have just wound up a couples seminar in Westboro this May on ways to spice up long-term relationships. Complete with wine, laughter and honest discussion the group of 15 couples heard speakers, were entertained with burlesque, tackled the definitions of what is kinky, and learned the ins and out of Tantric sex and social nudity. Workshops are different than individual therapy because the group can become greater than the sum of it’s parts. People bring different experiences and reflections that can create a synergy you can’t get in individual counseling. It also forces couples to look beyond their comfort zone.
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Jim Flaherty, Mission Statements and why smelling the roses are important

flahertyI met the former cabinet Minister Jim Flaherty in an elevator one afternoon in Ottawa. After exchanging pleasantries, he complemented me on the points I had brought forth during a CTV panel I had just finished. Minister Flaherty as it turns out was in the green room before me and caught my 30 seconds of fame on sex and Canadians. He had that innate charm of successful politicians where in the moment that you have his attention you feel like the only person in the world. I left the encounter smiling and charmed.
So I was saddened to hear news of his sudden death earlier this month.
As when anytime someone dies early, it makes you ponder your own mortality. Jim Flaherty’s demise a few weeks after his retirement from a very stressful career is a reminder for us to stop and smell the roses. Slowing down and finding balance is the easiest thing in the world to say, but near impossible if you don’t schedule it. Slowing down and taking time for yourself can be difficult to do between work, kids, aging parents and life in general.
So where do you start? As a sex and relationships therapist I spend much of my day suggesting happiness is found in intimate connections and a greater community. I tell individuals that if couples don’t schedule time in their day to talk and touch, their relationships rarely make it. I also think finding time to get horizontal is important in your week as well.
So when I had a chance to poll a group of female doctors at one of the Federation of Medical Women dinners I asked, “what was their doctor’s prescription for health and happiness?”
I heard the usual advice about “eating low inflammation foods, exercising, moderating alcohol and giving up smoking”. But these physicians also mentioned “having a life’s purpose, hydrating yourself with lots and lots of water, and increasing the Vitamin D and B Complex”. There was also a mention of taking holidays. Like most Ontario physicians, these were women who were run off their feet and were all craving unstructured beach time. But like the rest of us, they were finding it difficult to fit it in to their lives.
I am paraphrasing, but internet pop culture guru Mark Manson says that you can’t create happiness. You can only pursue goals and the accomplishment of these goals produces happiness as a by-product. Realistically, how many of us list working harder as a goal? Yes, generally having more money, recognition of our work or personal prestige causes brief smiles. But what accomplishments really generate genuine happiness? My husband and I have a mission statement that outlines how we want to live and where we want to be. We really try to walk the talk. When decisions are made, they are in accordance with the statement (that is reviewed at least annually in lieu of New Year’s Resolutions). By making decisions that follow our own values, we get closer to accomplishing things that will generate happiness as a couple. In our statement, we list spending time with friends and family, traveling and making sure there is touch time daily between us. When opportunities for more income present themselves, sometimes they have to be turned down if the personal cost is too high. We both function at our best when our connection is very strong. Taking the daily time to ensure we are on the same page and feeling close is an investment in our productivity as well as our relationship. We also recognize that our most valuable asset is our time, as it cannot be replaced. However, if a decision is made in accordance with priorities, it seldom steers us wrong.
So with great respect to Jim Flaherty , I submit, take the time to figure out where you want to go and what is truly most important in your life. Set out time to make that happen. And learn to say “no” both to yourself and to others when you are maxed out and still being pushed to give more. There will be ample time for everything, or at least it will seem so, when priorities are being fulfilled, life is in balance and there is a general feeling of happiness throughout you.

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That awkward conversation about sex…between couples

If you’ve been together for awhile, you may be comfortable discussing sex with each other. You no doubt have chatted about contraception, know each other’s favourite positions and you may have even ventured into the potential minefield of past lovers.
But most couples stall when it comes to the talk about what to do when their sex life gets dull. If sex for you is Saturday night, lights off and missionary position it may be long past the time to heat things up. Even if it’s more frequent with an interesting repertoire, an inventive sex life can still become routine. Have you tried anything new in the last year? Have you planned a sensual date night? Have you ever had a truly honest talk about sexual fantasies? Do you know what your fantasies are? Or what are the most common fantasies for your gender? Have you ever role-played?
What if you really want to try something that may seem a little out there and are too terrified to bring it up to your spouse? Where do you find the skills to discuss and negotiate sexual play in a culture where you never talk openly about sex? Most Canadian homes can discuss politics, neighbours or pop culture around the dinner table. Very few dinner tables are open enough to joke about or have any kind of sexual conversations.
The inner place we inhabit sexually is one of our most personal and intimate places. Most of us are afraid to show off our sexual selves as it leaves us too open and vulnerable. This personal sexual seclusion often forces us to exclude the partner we share a household and life with. We may worry that our partners will find us perverted if we share our secret selves. Or worse, laugh at our sensual desires. The truth is that most people name having a terrific sex life as one of the fundamental requirements in having a great marriage. For a majority of people having good sex is a priority. So why are so few couples having what we call “mind blowing, toe-curling sex?”
We decided that the need to learn sexual communication skills is fundamentally important in relationships. Men and women often need to collectively contemplate new sexual ideas before they decide whether or not a potentially new kind of sexual play is interesting to them. So we designed this course.
It is a workshop for couples and singles who want to be able to find their voices when discussing their sexual desires. It’s for people who want to avoid the landmines when speaking up about acting out their desires. It’s also for people who want to know what’s going on in a stuffy, government town like Ottawa. Most people want to make sure that their neighbours aren’t having hotter, more interesting sex than they are. With speakers that include Ottawa’s leading Dominatrix, an intimacy and tantra leader, a burlesque performer, and a local lifestyle couple, this course is about acquiring knowledge and communicating around it.
Hosted by Ottawa sex therapist and talk show host Sue McGarvie and her husband Blaik Spratt, it’s more than a series of information lectures. It’s therapy on learning to communicate and understand your sexuality in relation to your partners. It’s more than the mechanics of sex, more than what’s out there, and safe enough to allow you to hear where other participants are in the process of finding their authentic sexual selves.
The course begins Sunday, April 13th, 2014 at the Masonic Temple in Westboro (Byron and Churchill). It is from 2:30 to 4:30 and continues five consecutive Sunday afternoons. Find out more by contacting Sue and Blaik at suem@rogers.com. www.sexwithsue.com will also give you an outline.