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Why reading erotica is fun, hot and good for you.

Fifty shades of grey may have caused somewhat of an uproar in recent years, but that doesn’t mean that erotica as a genre is any less beloved by its readers. If anything, it just goes to show that people love a good bit of naughty writing. So why is it that erotica appeals to so many people? Well, here are a few reasons why people can’t get enough of a good steamy romance.

Reading erotica can be a great way to explore fantasies while remaining completely safe. It allows you to dip your toes into the world of kink, bondage, and BDSM without having to jump right in. This is great for those who are new to the world of erotica and want to find out what they like and don’t like.

It can also be exciting to read about situations that you don’t personally experience in your everyday life. This can teach you about new sexual practices and positions, and you can use these experiences to spice up your sex life with your partner.

Perhaps the best part of reading erotica is the escape it can provide. This can be especially true for those who work long hours, have families to take care of, or are otherwise busy throughout the day. Reading erotica can be a great way to take time for yourself and your own pleasure without feeling guilty about it.

Reading erotica can also help you understand more about yourself and what turns you on. As you explore different stories, you can begin to understand the types of fantasies that you find the most enjoyable and exciting. This can be an incredibly freeing and empowering experience.

Overall, reading erotica can be an enjoyable, intimate experience that is sure to bring pleasure and delight every time. Not only is it fun, hot and enjoyable, but it can also teach you something about yourself that you never knew before.

Join the Pervy Book club! It’s free and we can often email you the book! Next edition is Sunday, March 5th. Send me a note with your email to add you to the list. Sue at sexwithsue dot com.

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Important safety tip. No expanding foam in your penis.

No one should ever consider using expanding foam or any other foreign object in his or her urethra. We recently heard of a woman in the UK who found out the hard way that this isn’t something you mess around with. She was trying to keep it hard and ultimately ended up having to give up on her penis. Ouch.

But it’s not just about being careful about what you put in your body. It’s also important to get health advice and safety tips from professionals. Whether it’s from Catherine the Great or from someone who’s tried something new, it is important to remember that we all have the same body parts and trying out new things can be great until it isn’t.

To that point, forget about the expanding foam, something that should definitely not be tried for sexual play because the damage it can cause. Though the Ghost Busters theme song urges us to “not cross the streams”, we can take a leaf from their book and definitely not use expanding foam in urethra either.

Though some sex practices can get pretty crazy and weird, we heard of one nurse’s convention in Thunder Bay where people were pretty wild – apparently, pulled a whole bag of carrots out of someone’s rectum.

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Grown-Up Sex Ed Class on learning to dominate your partner with two Dominatrixes

We had a number of people recently ask about learning to dominate their partners. Or learn to be a pro Domme. Or just up their kinky IQ.
We have dominates willing to teach us in a riveting LIVE Grown-up Sex Ed class in a dungeon.

It’s going to be something. Three experts, handouts (and props!)

It’s time to really learn how to bring your partner (s) to their knees. Or learn to be a pro Domme. Sex positive career options are always interesting.
We have room for a couple of people in person (safely because of Covid guidelines). The rest is being done virtually. Cost is $20. Class is Sunday, Nov 29th at 3pm. Link will be provided to participants.

We will also be offering some of the class by Zoom but you really want to check out this class and have a chance for a few people to get “hands on” instruction.

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Dungeon tour with two Domme’s and BDSM exploratorium

Given that it has to be virtual (sigh) We will be doing a dungeon tour and the ABC’s of BDSM during a exploratorium. We will have a few different kinksters demonstrating their expertise virtually for Ducks. We have two Domme’s doing some kinky stuff on camera.

Whips, paddles, clips, clamps, rubber, cross-dressing, D/s partners, sadism, and more will be discussed (with some demo’s). It’s going to be crazy. LIVE, personal, sounding, flogging and more.

We are working to be responsible during the pandemic. But mental health and the need to for healthy community support is also vital. Getting out and feeling like the world is a good place with the kindest group of people anywhere helps.

Come join us. This is a 4ish Duck event. FREE for members and $15 for non-members. suem@rogers.com for the link or check out the website at www.wearetheducklings.com

Sue McGarvie is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.

Topic: Virtual Dungeon tour with two Domme’s!
Time: Oct 17, 2020 07:00 PM Eastern Time (US and Canada)

Join Zoom Meeting
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Meeting ID: 894 3652 9527
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The sex bucket list. How to introduce your partner to all the crazy, sexy things you want to try

I’ve got a new book to share to clients and Duckling members.
It’s an ebook called your sex bucket list that I will happily email to you if you reach out to me. It’s been interesting interviewing clients and group members about the kind of things they want to try sexually and this and other information can offer up some great sex ideas that may not have occurred to you.
Talking about a wish list is more than fantasy. I may have a fantasy about a sex scene with people dressed up like the cast of Scooby Doo but it’s not something I’m going to try. On the other hand I do want to play with a variety of floggers with my partner to see which one he responds to best. That’s a bucket list item. And trying to walk the line in my head between fantasy and wish list has been a fun exercise while I’m stuck inside during the pandemic. Talking also been a great way to see the differences between how men and women think about sex. For me a checklist of crazy ideas from gentle touch to fantasies that involve yodeling and cream cheese (and everything in between and far after) has me a good reminder of the breadth of human sexual imagination.
There are a couple of lists online (Cosmo truth be told seems a little ho hum) but they give you a starting place. And if you are kinkier than usual try going through some of the product suggestions on the extreme restraints site.
So if sex is your hobby (and it’s certainly mine) then I encourage you to start a running list of things you want to try in bed. It helps build your sex IQ. And if you want to talk about making it happen in the form of a 30 or 60 minute session with me inexpensively then I encourage you to book a skype/facetime/messenger appointment.
Here’s a starting list. Check off all that might apply and then show your partner….
1. Kiss a girl
2. Have anal
3. Have a threesome
4. Engage in group sex
5. Have phone sex
6. Masturbate
7. Use a vibrator
8. Use a sex toy on someone else
9. Be tied up
10. Tie someone up
11. Have sex in a public space
12. Be a voyeur and watch others having sex (live, porn does not count)
13. Sex in a car
14. Sex at a drive-in
15. Mile-high club
16. Sex with a stranger
17. One-night stand
18. Married sex (the best kind, in my opinion)
19. Sex on a boat
20. Sex in a body of water
21. Light spanking
22. Read erotica
23. Play strip poker/Monopoly/card game
24. Sex in the shower
25. Sex standing up against a wall
26. Sex in a tent in the wilderness
27. Sex with no kissing
28. Sex in the pitch black
29. Sex in the broad daylight
30. Making out with no sex long after you’re no longer a virgin
31. Blindfolded
32. Watch porn together
33. Watch porn alone
34. Learn to give yourself multiple orgasms
35. Sex on the beach
36. Using ice sexually
37. Sexual role play
38. Whipped cream
39. La Perla lingerie sex
40. Frederick’s of Hollywood lingerie sex
41. A quickie in a skirt
42. Sex with someone much older
43. Sex with someone younger (legal!)
44. Sex in a foreign country, possibly with a foreigner
45. A longie in the rain
46. Sex in the ocean while people swim all around you
47. Feather ticklers
48. Sex while “altered” whether by alcohol or something else
49. Learn to orgasm in less than five minutes from intercourse alone
50. Silent sex in a full house

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What I learned from the Nation's leading BDSM teacher about being a Dominatrix

I am 25 years as a Sex Therapist and I still take courses on sex. The latest workshop was a follow up with Midori on rope and the Art of Female Domination. I have been to three of Midoi’s classes previously on setting the scene and creating fantasies. Midori is a San Francisco BDSM teacher and author who talks about kink. She’s diminutive, entertaining, and a bit bad ass.
Her presentation on being a Femme Domme (although the main theories apply equally to men) had some great tips between loads of stories and her getting regularly off track.  There is no doubt she’s kinky. And her idea that you don’t have to be a great technician (whip with precision), or be so sure of yourself there is no doubt, you just have to tell and live your truth to be an outstanding dominate.
According to Midori, the best domination happens in the energy and electricity between dualities. Meaning hard/soft, warm/cold, little girl and sex siren. Being feminine and dominate at the same time. That theme comes up in any book on power, or in Robert Greene’s excellent coverage on Seduction.
Midori emphasizes working on your gaze, your touch and your voice. That’s what brings shivers to any submissive. She talks about softly pushing a sub with confidence. Like with burlesque there is no one style. It’s finding your particular style.
She brainstormed about different power female women and characters. She used history, myth, fiction, arts and entertainment to come up with a list of potential power women. Everyone like Cleopatra (ruler but dramatic), Mae West (come up and see me sometime), Barbarella/Jane Fonda – ice queen and elegant to illustrate styles. By finding someone you want to emulate (even if it’s Catwoman) you list the good and bad qualities and start thinking about your dominate style.
It takes some work and some thought. But it’s a quick way to identify who you are ans what you want as a potential dominate.
I’m looking forward to finding out my feminine dominant style.  Why don’t you try it too?

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Common sexual fantasies – They may be different than you think

So you have a recurring sexual fantasy that keeps looping through your head about an office coworker? Are you reading trashy “girl porn- harlequin romance bodice rippers” on the way to work and wish one would come true? Or you don’t seem to have any fantasies at all? Do you have “I never believed it would happen to me” Penthouse letters kind of thoughts about the naughty hitchhiker or pizza delivery person?
If you can relate to any of those scenarios it means that you are perfectly normal. The one thing that seems to come out of all the research on fantasies is that there isn’t a “one-size-fits-all” when it relates to sexual imagination. You can have the typical threesomes, group sex, or you with a harem roll play going on. Or your fantasies are quiet and almost non-existent. What the research consistently shows is that it is all common place.
But what are the most repeated fantasies?
My husband and I run a course a few times per year called the Suburban Hedonist course about spicing up your relationship and understanding your sexuality. During our discussion of fantasies, we send around cue cards to get a sense of what everyone’s fantasies were. When they are written down anonymously most people are open about their secret musings. Because they are read aloud they may not be quite as kinky as those where you imagine yourself in the bad prison guard costume, but you can see if any of the below list might be something that you find appealing. Real people with real unedited fantasies.
-watching someone masturbate
-outdoor sex, waterfalls, forests
-threesomes
-sexy lingerie
-cheerleader
-complete total stranger (no strings attached)
-someone in authority
-airplane sex
-woman in a body suit
-librarian
-watch my partner with another person
-being tied up
-back of the truck at work
-being unwilling
-orgasm denial/teasing
-oral sex with chocolate or other food
-girl on girl
-high heels
“cleaning service by 2 french maids”
-Foursome with the neighbors
-toga and mazola/vegetable oil
-hot tub/sauna
stranger sex
-blindfolded and restrained
-being spanked
-public building
-greenhouse
-cave or at the centre of a maze
-camping
-public shower
If you want an appointment to talk about your sexual fantasies consider reaching out to me. Having a safe place to talk about what turns you on may help you process any mild sexual obsession.

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So you think you might be a little bit kinky?

bdsmSo what is the difference between being kinky and why is it called BDSM?
The term BDSM dates back to 1969; The term is believed to have been formed either from joining the term B&D (bondage and discipline) with S&M (sadomasochism or sadism and masochism meaning the enjoyment of giving and receiving pain). BDSM communities generally welcome anyone with a non-normative streak who identifies with the community; this may include cross-dressers, extreme body mod enthusiasts, animal players, latex or rubber aficionados, and others in an overall term called kinky.
Kink is a catch -all phrase to mean things like role-playing fantasies (everything from dressing up like a pony, to a one piece leather outfit. It can also mean exchanging gender roles, giving up or taking sexual power (dominance and submission), sensation play like sadomasochism, fetishes (think pantyhose, foot, or corsets). Tristan Taormino defines kink as “an intimate experience, an exchange in power between people that can be physical, erotic, sexual, psychological, spiritual in some combination. People who practice kink explore the territory between pleasure and pain, eroticize the exchange of power, experience intense physical sensations and psychological scenarios, and test and push their limits.”
Although kink can incorporate everything from people who sexualize stuffed animals to the occasional passion for great thigh-high boots I think there are three main areas of being kinky that appeals to the masses.
The first is Domination and Submission. This is about the power exchange. You surrender to the experience in a safe and consensual way . Being dominate, means that you find personal and sexual gratification from taking charge and having your play partner (called a sub) do what you want. Submissive means that you sexually enjoy doing what you’re told without thought again in a safe and consensual way. Some people go further and want to be humiliated, dressed in the clothes of the other gender and punished for imaginary slights. It is the release of power that feels cathartic for some submissive people. I’m convinced that a majority of people (70% in my estimation) are submissive, 20% are dominate and 10% can switch back and forth. It’s the most common fantasy for women (rip my clothes off and take me!) and is the most mainstream of all forms of “kinkiness”. Domination and Submission often (but not always) involves devices like clothes, restraints, rope, collars, and clothes such as leather and latex that can be called fetish.
Fetish is the second group of kink. Fetishism or sexual fetishism is the sexual arousal a person receives from a physical object, or from a specific situation. The object or situation of interest is called the fetish; the person who has a fetish for that object/situation is a fetishist.
By this we mean any body part or inanimate object that particularly turns you on. These are things like strong preferences “I’m a leg guy” or “I find the sexiest thing about men are their hands”. It can also be very specific. “I’m aroused by pierced belly buttons, or painted toes.” It can also incorporate an object. Things like rubber, lace, hats, shoes, balloons, nylons are all common fetishes. It just means that regular sex would be ranked as a 2, and sex with the object of desire would be an 11.
I have clients who can’t get aroused unless they are wearing nylons, or having their partner wear something that meets their specific fetish ie. Garters, tight pants, pointy boots, hats, raincoats etc.
The final group is that of what is called sensation play. This is a type of kink that includes the term sadism and masochism (S & M) where giving and receiving pain becomes sexual in nature. It can also include anything that triggers a strong reaction. Things like dripping wax on your partner, playing with an ice cube, using picks, floggers, canes on their skin. There is a fine line between pleasure and pain and sensation play weaves on both sides of that line.
The reason you are hearing about “being kinky” more (besides the 20 million copies of 50 Shades of Grey sold) is that the internet has made finding about your particular sexual interest much more mainstream. Anytime you get a group of people together with the same interests, it normalizes it. And now you can find people who are also turned on by your specific interest. That’s why there are over 50 main porn categories and hundreds of sub sets.
Most people fall on a sexual continuum like we’ve been describing from very vanilla, to five kinds of flavours with chocolate sprinkles. The challenge is to explore what you might be interested in by taking it one step at a time. There is also the difficulty that while one partner may find one form of kink interesting while the other finds it distasteful. Like with all sexual play, there is the worry that you must be some kind of pervert if you like this stuff. The truth is that everyone has secret sexual desires and fantasies. And the longer I’m a sex therapist the more I’m convinced that everyone ( and I mean everyone has something private that falls into one of these categories.
So read about them. Come up with safe words. Try sex out of your comfort zone. You may be surprised at how much it turns you on.

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How to be a little kinky and spice up your sex life. All without freaking out your partner.

kinkyI don’t know if it’s the summer weather, re-runs of “The Jack Nicholson Bucket List movie” on late night television, or just feeling fed up with the same old thing, but I have had a plenary of new couples lately saying they were taking risks and asking for the sex they secretly wanted. It’s my semi annual “how to introduce a little creativity in your sex life without screwing up your relationship blog”. My patients are asking everything from adding a few toys toys to their bedroom play to how to invite the single woman next door over for some wine and naked hot tubbing???
It turns out that many couples are out and out bored with their same old sex life.
It doesn’t mean that they want to trade their partner in for a newer and improved model. Take my word for it, the grass is not necessarily greener and sometime loads more complicated when tossing your partner out with the bathwater. But if you can’t stomach missionary position Saturday night any longer than I’m offering up my ideas on making your intimate life a little more frisky.
1. In my personal opinion, most people are sexually submissive. I haven’t seen much general research on this but after being a sex therapist for 23 years my guess if that 70% of people are submissive, 20% are dominate and 10% switch back and forth. Meaning that statistically both you and your partner wants to be blindfolded, tied to the bedposts and have creative things done to them with a chicken feather. Most people love the idea of being passively (and safely) taken. Light bondage is one of the top three most common male sexual fantasies according to the updated Kinsey Report. $10 furry handcuffs, a little pink rope from Home Depot or even a joint visit to Fetlife.com to look at ads and spark the dialogue to become a little kinkier.
2. Girls love costumes. At least this girl. I am always scouting out Halloween costumes at garage sales and my dress up bins are now threatening to take over the basement. Costumes allow us to be something different and act in a way that we might not have previously. It allows us to ask for things that we might not in our regular clothes. Suggest a dress up game. Order some inexpensive costumes on line and dress up like the Flash or Wonder Woman (okay, I watch too much Big Bang). But it’s fun, and definitely erotic to role play someone you haven’t before. Pull out your harem pants and “dream of genie”.
3. Get out the camera and take some pictures. The joys of digital photography is that you can model for your sweetie without anyone being the wiser. Pictures are especially powerful for men who are consistently turned on by what they see and imagine.
4. Find a teachable moment. It’s the advice I tell parents when talking to your kids about sex. Seize the day when a hot scene comes up in a movie you are watching, or a mention happens in a magazine in the grocery line up. Talking about it a few hundred thousand times is critical (in a safe, quiet environment). Ask about their fantasies. Talk about boundaries. Understand your limits and your partner limits. Relationships can blow up if you introduce something that you haven’t discussed in GREAT detail. It’s like having sex with the lights on and your eyes open. If you are too embarrassed to show yourself sexually in a vulnerable way, you may be hesitant in trying something new. But stepping out of your comfort zone is exactly what you should try. By taking a series of smaller risks in the bedroom allows what relationship guru David Schnarch calls “wall socket sex”. It lets you be truly intimate, and makes amazing connections with your partner.
5. If you do decide that you want to try something more out there- an ad on Craig’s List, a nude beach in your neighborhood, threesome, bondage munch (a gathering of BDSM people in your town) then you really, really must take things slowly. Sit down and write up the rules of engagement. What’s cool and what’s definitely not. Have a safe word that allows you to bail immediately if your partner drops it. Read, talk, and if you are really tentatively and possibly see a sex therapist to negotiate what you both want out of the experience. A smart sex therapist will be in the know about what is happening sexually in your area. If you are stuck finding one, drop me a line and I can refer you or help you myself.

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Foot Fetishes. Why loving your partners feet is incredibly erotic

feet4
I just had my spring pedicure. My toes are currently painted a fetching shade called “slut red”. Subtle they are not. It turns out that as we start shedding the winter socks and start wiggling our pink piggies in strappy sandals you can more often than not catch attractive guys checking out your feet. You may think it’s a new thing but after a little cleavage, a great booty, and a fantastic pair of legs, men polled recently by Cosmo said their next favorite female body part is a sexy pair of feet. Does that mean that they have a foot fetish?
It turns out that 47% of men like feet. A lot.
A foot fetish is, basically, a sexual interest in feet — more so than other parts of the body — taking special notice to feet (toes, soles, shoes, toenails) and involves an array of activities involving rubbing, sucking, licking, dressing, manicuring, massaging, kissing and caressing for sexual stimulation.
Sex counselor and author of She Comes First, Ian Kerner, says a lot of people are aroused by feet and enjoy incorporating foot-play into sex-play, but they’re not solely aroused by the foot, as would be the case with a fetish.
I tell my patients that fetishes often develop in early adolescence when you first become aroused and determine a preference.
It shouldn’t surprise anyone that men look at feet. With more shoe stores than food stores in any given shopping center, most women spend an inordinate amount of time making our feet look pretty. If we spend time on our hair, we want you to look. The same goes for our feet.
So as the weather warms up and we head into spring with a plenary of freed toes take a minute to admire the ones in your vicinity. And think about something creative to do with your sweetie’s feet the next time you are doing the horizontal mambo.

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50 Shades of Gray. Why the trilogy will change your bedroom habits.

I own a healthy collection of women’s erotica. Ever since I read Nancy Friday’s Forbidden Flowers on a airplane back from Vancouver and literally left a wet spot on the seat behind me, I’ve been hooked. I have everything from Suzie Bright’s American collection to the Ottawa based vampire books by Patricia McCarthy. Like many women, I have a taste for great mommy porn. As I wrote about 50 Shades when I first read it, (see the previous post), it is a smart premise with some hot sex scenes with very mediocre writing. What it says to me is that women of all ages are desperate for some hot sex. We may not all be into porn, but we love a well done sex scene as much as anyone.
There is a great article about the new surveys being done to explain the 50 Shades phenomenon. http://www.confused.com/news-views/infographics/holiday-reading-fifty-shades-effect
The most interesting thing for me was the idea that women would much rather read erotica than to do anything to make their own sex lives hotter. Some women reported that the 50 Shades books had them running for the local sex shop for some Ben Wa balls, or handcuffs. But 43% reading books like 50 Shades made their sex lives seem boring. I’ve got the new list of fun erotic things to do this fall. Check it out, and maybe you’ll have some “Christan Gray evenings of your own.”

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50 Shades of Grey. A Sex Therapist wades in on why you can't put it down.


I was at a Canada Day picnic with about 80 people a few weeks back. It was a annual gathering of about 20 families (who pull into the large cottage lot in their RV’s). What was interesting to me is that rather than the usual catch up, everyone wanted to talk about Ben Wa balls, handcuffs, and 50 Shades of Grey.
If you haven’t read the wildly popular trilogy by E.L. James then you are one of the few that hasn’t. And anything you’ve heard about the books- both good and bad are true. It is steamy hot. Kinky erotic coupled with a traditional fairy tale love story never seems to go out of style. “Rich, powerful but troubled billionaire reaches out for invisible but beautiful student and sweeps her off her feet.” Very Cinderella-like except that the sex is riveting. And unlike the traditional bodice ripping Harlequin romance novels, this one has themes of Bondage, submission, dominance with all kinds of kinky toys. It also needs a good edit and won’t be winning any Pulitzer prizes anytime soon.
So why do you keep hearing about these books?
Here are my thoughts.
1. It’s risque. It’s a mainstream novel making the rounds of suburbia complete with an intact contract to be a BDSM submissive. As a sex therapist I’ve certainly used contracts with my patients, and they are common in alternative sex manuals, but have never seen one in a mainstream book. It’s a peak into a world that everyone wonders about but hasn’t been made palatable before. Unlike the Kink episodes they air on Friday night which are like a train wreck of pierced bodies and out there sex, 50 shades of Grey (or as my friend Sheila calls it 50 shags a day) makes the domination so delicious that you want to change places with the heroine.
2. It has really, really hot sex scenes. I can’t tell you how many women have told me how turned on they were by this erotica. Nicknamed “mommy porn” these passages are designed for arousal. If you don’t read much erotica this might be the first book in a long, long time that has made you that lubricated.
3. New toys. Every since Charlotte discovered the rabbit on Sex in the City (and had a rabbit intervention) there has never been as much interest among mainstream women in sex toys. Apparently the beginner bondage kit at Babes in Toyland has had a 90% increase in sales since the book came out.
4. It’s chocolate sauce on vanilla sex. And for women for whom the thought of the same sex with same partner makes them think about running off to a tropical island, 50 Shades is a great escape. It’s a safe way of having a romantic encounter while never leaving your bedroom. Many women can’t tell you what their fantasies are. We just don’t think that way and can’t rattle off a list of fantasies like men can. But if you paint us a scenario… then you get our attention. We love the story. If we can imagine the sex then we can get aroused. And most women are a little submissive. Think, “take me big boy”. So if you can add those pieces together (along with a great social media marketing campaign), and you’ve got the 50 shags err I mean 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon.