Is dating a challenge for you? Do you feel stuck being single?

It’s okay to be alone. It’s not okay to feel like it’s always going to be that way.

Once upon a time there was someone alone and struggling with finding a quality relationship. 

By figuring out what is your share in past relationships and learning the tools to connect with new, quality people the possibility of a new relationship seemed brighter. 

Let’s get into this. You will get the most out of this course if we can focus specifically on what you need. All great Therapy is about self awareness. The more you can answer these questions the more I can help. These answers will be kept in the strictest of confidence as part of being a Clinical Therapist. 

Please return them to me at sue@sexwithsue.com

  1. Which one of these most resonate with you on your journey to find connection?

-It’s too difficult to read signals

-I pick the same person over and over

-The dating pool get smaller as I get older

-I’m not meeting any quality people

-I’ve been hurt and rejection or ghosting is too painful 

-I’m afraid, nervous, shy

-Overthinking can lead to overreacting… which can lead to being dumped.

Other_________________________________

  1. What would your family and friends say is your greatest strength? Your greatest weakness? 
  2. Why have your previous relationships not been successful?
  3. If I asked your ex what would they say was the reason for the breakup?
  4. What did not work in past relationships?
  5. What worked in my past relationships?
  6. When was the last time I felt attractive? Smart? Or powerful?
  7. If someone tells me I’m not good enough, how would I respond?
  8. If someone tells me I’m amazing, how would I respond?
  9. Where are you the most stuck? 
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Why you need to know your unique selling proposition in dating.

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I picked him up off the beach and invited him to breakfast.

This was 10 days ago during our Mexican vacation.

He had a great smile, cool sunglasses, and a Superman tattoo he called a birthmark.

His name was T and he and a single buddy were in Cancun for a week of sun, sand, and tequila.

His friend D was sleeping off the effects of the previous night’s margaritas and he would have had to breakfast alone.

No one should have to eat alone.

A single Dad from Calgary I liked him immediately, and knew I had a number of single women in the group who would appreciate him and his friend.

We included them in our epic room crawl and out of that bloomed a couple of vacation romances between women in this group and the boys from Calgary.

On Saturday night at the Steely Dan concert, I asked a few new members what was special, quirky, and unique about them. And what they were looking for in a partner.

A majority of the people I asked couldn’t answer me.

How are potential partners going to appreciate you if you are uncertain about who you are? Or what you want? What’s cool about you?

You can’t hit a target you cannot see.

If you don’t know then you need a plan, a wingman, and a clear way forward to understand what you want in a future relationship.

If the quality of your life is in the quality of your relationships then finding an amazing intimate partner will improve your life immeasurably.

A partner gives you caring, warmth, fun, sex, unconditional love, support, adventures, companionship, passion, laughter and a safe space.

I woke up thinking about how I can help you get there.

As a Therapist I’ve found that the best results happen in groups. Everyone helps each other. It’s like being in a class where everyone has read the book.

I’ve decided to do a 3 week boot camp with the goal of getting you into the best position to find great love.

Here’s what it will do for you.

A very limited number will join me on a special Zoom call Monday night’s from 7-9 pm. There will be help outside of those hours but that’s the group time.

We will focus specifically on your needs, questions, and baggage that keeps you from a successful relationship.

By the end of week 3 you will be set up on a blind date, coached through the process, and have a clear understanding of the uniqueness you bring to a relationship.

I only have the time and bandwidth for a small group that will support each other.

Is this what you need?

As a Therapist my agenda is happy, connected people. Let’s find you someone you can buy a Christmas present for.

Join my list if this resonates.

 

 

She had a history of chasing the wrong guys.


He had a need to rescue unstable women who took advantage of him.

On paper they were neither of the other’s type.

He worked construction and she spent her days leading a website design firm.

He ate most of his meals from the drive thru in his truck.

She favoured local, organic greens.

He was a Newfoundlander with a big belly laugh and even bigger heart.

She was smart, independent, type A dog owner who carefully gave her loyal friendship.

I introduced them almost seven years ago.

They have been inseparable ever since. And like all great relationships are a gift to everyone else around them.

They both admit they never would have clicked on each other’s profiles.

Having the skills, opportunity, and pool of prospective mates to fish from is not something everyone has access to.

But it can be yours.

You can stop eating dinner alone over the sink, sending a cut and paste email and hoping something is going to happen. You can stop going to events and leaving feeling like the awkward kid at the High School dance.

            You can hold someone’s hand and have them hold yours.

I’ve been talking about this new boot camp I’m offering for the very first time to a very small number of you in this group.

Groups can be magic.

I have a women’s support group I ran a decade ago that still meets up every month to connect.

We had two couples living on opposite sides of the country come to Mexico last week who became friends three years ago during one of my online courses.

Groups let you know that you aren’t the only one feeling lost and defeated about dating. And your peers can give you both the hand up and the supportive hug you need while putting yourself out there emotionally.

This group will start Monday, Dec 5th at 7 pm.

There will be a very nominal charge because offering something for free means people don’t value it and feel okay with skipping class. Human nature is that everyone needs skin in the game to take it seriously.

The value will be incredible. Worksheets, support, specific dating ads, blind date introductions, friends, role playing, practice sessions and more.

It will cost less than a half hour of one of my regular sessions.

You need to find great love. You can and you deserve to find great love.

Don’t miss put on the opportunity to join in. Details will be finalized this weekend. There is still time to send me a note expressing your interest.

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Another relationship had ended and when that happened he crashed without notice on my couch.

And promptly ate all the ice cream in the freezer.

At the time, My brother was a little lost when it came to women. He was very kind, attractive, but was a bit of a commitment phobe.

He had a habit of what I call “dating by default”.

Meeting the next girl, not the right girl.

They would start dating and it was good enough for him until his ex’s pressed him to make their relationship more permanent.

Then he would end up on my doorstep. Sad he had yet again hurt someone with a breakup and needing some sibling support.

I let him mope for a week before reading him the riot act.

I forced him to look at his attachment style (it’s hard to avoid the work when your sister is a shrink) and understand patterns of avoidant styles. Attachment comes from family of origin and fortunately I knew where to push when he was finally ready for advice.

I then asked if he was ready to meet a woman he could commit to.

I wrote him a Pulitzer Prize dating ad with great responses from cool, local women. (keep reading it’s below) and gave him a $200 Starbucks card. The deal was that he had to go on 50 first coffee dates.

Girl #2 blew him away. I told him to keep dating. After 21 dates he mutinied and started dating girl #2 exclusively. Girl #2 is my sister in law and Mom to my much loved niece and nephew.

In fairness this was 16 years ago when online dating wasn’t full of Nigerian Princes looking for help or trolling Eastern European sex workers enticing generous businessmen.

These days, Online dating has morphed into a disheartening, time-wasting foray into the lowest common denominator.

Which is why you need a new plan, model and program to find the love you deserve. You need tools.

It’s my job to understand human psychology when it comes to intimate relationships.

It’s your job not to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.

I’ve been watching this group for the last 11 months we’ve been running it. I see the loneliness and uncertainty of what to do next.

It’s time to try a new dating model and way to find love.

Starting Monday, Dec 5th at 7 pm I’m creating a special zoom group. It’s a first run for a small group of members who are ready to meet someone special.

I’m working hard to pull all my insights, skills, ideas, contacts, and 28 years as a Clinical Therapist to show you the way to find love in this new paradigm. I’m going to give you my time and attention.

The payment link will go up on Sunday for a nominal amount to show the same level of commitment I am offering. It won’t even be the amount of half a tank of gas.

On Monday, participants will be contacted and I’ll be sending out surveys looking for your questions, pain points and challenges with modern dating. I’ll spend next week planning for an exceptional group.

Over the next few weeks we will tailor a plan to everyone, give mutual support and help each other with the fear of being pushed away.

You are going to also make new best friends with the group participants as we share stories, laughter and some moments of real emotion. I’ll be there with you every step of the way.

Watch your inbox on Sunday.
2023 will be your year.

Ps Here is my brother’s dating ad that won him my cool sister-in-law. I’ll write one for you too.

 

 

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The new We-Vibe Chorus. It deserves a place in your sex toy box.

I have been following the We Vibe since they first launched as a toy company in my hometown of Ottawa, Canada. At the time, the product was revolutionary. Bruce the founder of Standard Innovation and We Vibe brought in two unique innovations to sex products. The first was a toy that could be used by couples during intercourse to encourage women to climax while being penetrated. With less than 20% of women ever reaching orgasm through straight intercourse (rather than oral or manual stimulation) having a toy that offered hands-free clitoral stimulation at the same time was a game changer.
The second was the ease of a re-chargeable toy in a previous world of batteries and wall plug in’s. It changed the business. The early We-Vibe ended up in the Oscar bags and it won all the toy awards that year.
There have been over 10 revisions of the original product since it’s inception. I certainly own a few of them. They have improved the charging over the years but not much has changed since the original shape and colour. Except for a cute remote control that you can give to your partner to play with. Varying the speed and intensity of the toy can happen both by hand and with a hand help remote which is fun. I admit to losing more toy remotes than I have ever done with the television controls.
The biggest challenge previously with the classic We-Vibe was the fit. Trying to have a C shaped toy sitting inside vaginally with enough power to get you off, while being the right size and shape to allow a penis to be inserted at the same time. My experience with previous We Vibe toys was that it kept falling out or required constant adjusting. So honestly, I wasn’t expecting much different in the new We- Vibe Chorus, the latest in the purple C shaped couple’s toys.
According to the website the We-Vibe Chorus has been improved based on consumer feedback. Having been on the toy testing council for We Vibe on a number of occasions I like to think that the great new fit may be a result of my and other local women’s input.
According to the marketing material, “The new version has a better shape on the internal stimulator to give a better fit, stronger wireless connection for playing with the We-Connect app and a squeezable remote control that increases the intensity of the toy as it is squeezed.”
All I care about is that it works.
My orgasm happened easily both alone and with a partner. Yay me. It didn’t fly out and hit the wall across the room covered in lube (as had one of the previous versions) and it was the right length to insert easily while touching the clitoris. It’s a slightly different shape and it stays put. I went for a walk with it in recently and despite me having to stop and bite my lip I wasn’t fishing it out of my pant leg.
The new We-Vibe Chorus is a win. It’s a good example of how listening to users and tinkering with the product will really deserve the adage of “new and improved”. There are lots of expensive sex toys out there that might not be worth the money. The We-Vibe Chorus is not one of them. It deserves a spot in any well-heeled couple’s toy box.

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Boudoir/ Dude-oir and couples erotic shots happening July 12th, 2020!


It gives you time to get the covid hair fixed.
Come join us for an amazing afternoon of safe and sexy photos with two first rate photographers!
Boudoir for women, men and couples!
It’s Sunday, July 12 from 11 to 6 pm. We will book by appointment and work to keep everything clean and safe! Food, wine, professional makeup (for those without testicles) , amazing photographs, lingerie, and a chance to find your sexy selves! It’s part of the body image series.
Boudoir Photography and party with champagne, great food, friends, chocolate and sexy pictures!
We love doing boudoir. It’s becomes magical. Women feeling beautiful, empowered and the guys are happy to have something erotic and personal. Couples feel connected. Men get super hot dating photos. Anyone who has done them raves about them. We get top, professional makeup application and have two photographers in the building Anny B and Paul Chislett. By making sure we have economies of scale we can do the event for $150 per person or couple. So you can have together and alone for the same price. What a deal!
Look back on yourself when you are 80 and see how hot you really were! Do it for yourself, to torment the guys who might possibly see them with your beauty or give it as a for-his-eyes-only gift. Sexy couple photos are also welcome if you would prefer to do them together.
Mimosa’s, (champagne and orange juice) chocolate, and the sexiest photos you can imagine! It’s safe, discreet, private, and super fun! Women or couples, it’s sensuous (but safe), erotic and fun. Participants can wear whatever they would like (bring it with you) and you have time for one change of outfits. You have a private area for photo’s and it’s all relaxed and discreet. Professional makeup artist will be there to transform you. You need to have your own hair done when you arrive. It all happens on Sunday July 12 at a private house in Ottawa south. Address will be sent to participants.
So pictures, food, and community!
Bring something yummy to share and I’ll make up pitchers of our trademarked sangria and mimosa’s. We have limited room for photos so it is a first come first serve. Cost is $150 (either alone or together) which includes makeup, photo shoot, and two photographs. You may purchase the library of other shots (the ones where you aren’t blinking) directly from the photographer. They have different packages or just stick with the few amazing ones you are guaranteed. Given that there are upfront expenses, you need to pay in advance on the wearetheducklings.com/events website or by etranfer to bdspratt@gmail.com, or commit to paying in cash and NOT BAILING!
If you want one of those shots you can look at when you are 80, still hot for each other and goosing each other around the anniversary cake then this is the day for you. Think relaxed, loving, elegant with Ottawa’s premier boudoir photographer. If you’ve never had a sensuous photo of you and your sweetie taken, give it some thought. It’s unbelievably intimate and you can look back on yourself as the hot hot couple or have something to embarrass your kids with. We provide professional make up application, martini’s and fantastic food samplings along with a romance picture that will last a lifetime.
You bring whatever outfits you want to wear. Or have it clothing optional. It can be anything you feel sexy in. I’ve taken my picture in nothing but a Sens jersey. Smile. We also share food so bring a dish of munchies to pass around.

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10 date ideas to do during the pandemic

I’ve been posting and talking a lot about dating during the pandemic. Even if you’ve been married for decades you still need to make the relationship a priority. I spend my days trying to make sure that I am doing things to keep my own relationship spicy. It’s a hard thing to keep top of mind and it’s especially hard during a global lock down.
In my neck of the woods we had a late spring so from much of the early days even a walk outside wasn’t fun.
However with the warm weather we have bug season. But outdoors is a great place for romance.
We have walked at dusk looking for bats, walked along the water looking for turtles (here is the female painted turtle laying her eggs along mud lake this week) and sunset seeing the ducks swim along the Ottawa River. Hiking in Gatineau Park always works for an evening.
Camping and cottaging is now open (Thank you!). An inexpensive tenting weekend in the Provincial parks, a Inn in the Gatineau’s (Travel Zoo has a mid week $189 night that includes breakfast and spa service, or cottages on airbnb are at an all time high for availability.
Drive through zoo’s and drive in’s are open! Port Elmsley drive in (Smiths Falls area) and Parc Omega in Montebello are both open. Add to that the winery testing in Perth, Carp, south Mountain, and Navan and campfires at Saunders Farm there are some things you can do while only limited to 10 people.
Some of the consignment and antique stores are open and that might be a great day of wandering through piles of other people’s junk.
The Premier is encouraging “social bubbles” of 10 people. We call them “germ circles” but it allows dinner parties, backyard gatherings, and visit with friends. This is the time to be creative. Please let me know if you have any other ideas.

Staying sane during the lock down

“During the beginning of the pandemic, when social distancing and other restrictions were put into place, we found that depression and loneliness were being experienced at considerably heightened rates in the U.S.,” said Molly Rosenberg, at the IU School of Public Health-Bloomington. “While these restrictions were and continue to be critically important to protecting Americans from the virus, it is clear that the spread and response to the virus has had a tremendous mental health impact on Americans.”
Yup. For many people the lock down has been a new form of torture. But there are some things you can do stay sane.
I have a list of Ottawa area date nights that can be extrapolated to any city. We need to find new ways to be safely connecting. And given that I focus on intimate relationships rather than just hanging out with friends I think that’s where we need to spend our energy.  Read the blog here.
But event with a great intimate relationship the pandemic has been hard.
“Among those in romantic relationships, we found that increased relationship tension was associated with dramatically higher prevalence of both loneliness and depression compared to those not experiencing such conflict,” says Maya Luetke, co-author and doctoral student in the Department of Epidemiology and Biostatistics.
In terms of social connection, the study found that those who reported hugging or kissing a family member almost every day in the last month were 26 percent less likely to report major depressive symptoms and 28 percent less likely to report loneliness.
In terms of sexual connections, the study found that those who reported the most frequent partnered sex were 57 percent less likely to report depressive symptoms. However, those who reported frequent remote sex or dating app usage tended to have slightly higher rates of depression and loneliness.”
So how do you get more sexual connections? Our new Duckling dating site has evolved to offer safe, friendly, happy, and sexy new connections. It’s different in that it’s open to all models of sexual interest. It’s also part of the larger 10,000 member Duckling social group that relates potential partners to the individual dates we have scheduled. Give it a look. And don’t be stuck inside and isolated as the Covid lock down continues.

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Men's Group and Scotch tasting. Why you should send your guy (or join) a men's group

I was asked recently to explain why men’s group was worth the money. It’s inexpensive ($25 a week for friendship, support, relevant and real information), friends, and scotch) but the group is always greater than the sum of it’s parts. It’s a safe place to be a guy and get mentored and helped by other men of all ages. Why it’s worth the money is that it can be life changing.
It’s especially good for people who are exploring new aspects of their sexuality or starting to dip a toe in ethical non-monogamy.
Open relationships with guidance, ethical non-monogamy can be wonderful. However, a worst case outcome is that you lose your marriage. Our members have stepped on all kinds of land mines in their journeys. They openly share the pain, the solutions and knowledge that cannot be acquired anywhere else. Combined with friendship and a shoulder to lean on, the group is indispensable. If this is your path, men’s group is the most significant resource that can be purchased.
There are men in the group simply trying to understand women, date, up their social, image and sexual skills and everyone there speaks the language.
It runs regularly but it’s about to start again for eight weeks. Tuesdays (starting Jun 16th, 2020 both in person in Westboro or virtually). Send the $200 either below or by etransfer to bdspratt@gmail.com. It’s run by Blaik Spratt and he’s spectacular. I can’t recommend it enough.


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The Womanizer Premium Sex Toy. It's a clit pump and vibrator in one and really works.

As a Sex Therapist one of the top 5 issues in my office is women struggling to reach orgasm. For many women it’s frustrating, embarrassing and affects self image and relationships. I see women who feel inadequate that they are unable to climax.
When working with clients I start with the standard direction for reaching orgasm. It doesn’t involve intercourse or even a partner. The most powerful orgasms women will experience in her lifetime can often be had through masturbation.
Here’s the recipe I give out in my office for climax challenges.
1. The use of an orgasm cream to increase blood flow to the clitoris about an hour in advance.
2. Permission to watch or read erotica that the client finds arousing
3. Nipple stimulation for 10 minutes to increase oxytocin
4. High end clitoral pump that increases blood flow to the genitals.
5. Strong vibration on the whole genital area for 15 minutes.
For many women it’s the combination of increased oxytocin from the nipple suction, along with clitoral blood flow from the cream and clit pump that builds to orgasm. All together for two toys is over $300 for a good clitoral pump and a high end clitoral vibrator. And another $60 in clitoral cream.
That’s not cheap and involves handling a number of toys. Most women think orgasms should happen naturally. As I remind clients it’s okay to need help from technology. More women climax through masturbation and toys then anything else. Sex is perfectly natural, but never naturally perfect.
I have been hearing about the Womanizer – a new toy designed by a German couple from a few colleagues who had given it a try. It’s described by the site as using something called Pleasure Air. “This is Womanizer’s very own innovation. Pleasure Air™ technology offers touchless stimulation through gentle air pressure for your clitoris. The result? Feeling like you’re walking on air. Let the gentle vibrations guide you to incredible climaxes.”
The Womanizer is very gentle and mimics oral sex specifically on the clitoris.
For women who need lots of power and vaginal stimulation it may not be the best choice.
But for women who struggle with orgasms it’s now my first go-to toy. It works for nipple stimulation, then it feels like a clit pump with vibration. I like it because it eliminates the need for two toys. And anything that sucks with just the right amount of pressure is a public service. I really liked it both personally and professionally. Amazon has the Premium Womanizer at $180 so it’s in the high end toy category. But if you are going to invest in an orgasm toy (or ask for one as a birthday gift) it’s worth the money.

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The benefits of the body of having sex! Maybe it's time to safely expand your germ circle.

We know this pesky pandemic has caused challenges to many people’s sex life. Random hookups, sex clubs, and one night stands are completely on hold. Sex with someone new can be life threatening. But many of us are missing a sexy life.
But as new information about the pandemic comes to light we can start making better choices when it comes to our sexual encounters.
The only thing that has kept me sane through the last few months when we can only gather in small groups is our germ circle. That’s a cohesive “family” group that has isolated and agrees to keep each other safe. We’ve helped each other out, shared grocery shopping, had a few recent socially distant backyard BBQ’s and got masked hugs when we needed it. As a mental health professional I am seeing that without human contact the cure for Covid may be worse than what ails you for some people.
Now that the Province and other parts of the world are cautiously opening up (Yay!!!!!!!) the idea that we might be open to cautious sexual encounters. You are horny but scared. The good news is that while Covid 19 is very contagious it isn’t transmitted sexually. Wear your mask, wash your hands and calm your anxieties. Sex is good for you.
Here is a list of what sex does for the body if you do want to step out. And if you are looking for a partner consider trying the new Duckling Dating site. I manage it and it’s friendly, authentic, verified, fun, open and super-sexy.
in the meantime, having sex improves your urinary incontinence, fights middle age, improves relationships, and gives you a total body workout. Here are some of the other things it does in a quote from the well mind people/

Physical Benefits of Increased Sex

It’s fairly intuitive to understand how sex improves emotional health, but there are a number of physical benefits from sex as well. Some of these include:

    • Better physical fitness: Sex is a form of exercise. According to the American Heart Association, sexual activity is equivalent to moderate physical activities, like brisk walking or climbing two flights of stairs.7 The motion of sex can tighten and tone abdominal and pelvic muscles. For women, improved muscle tone improves bladder control.
    • Enhanced brain function: Preliminary studies on rats found that more frequent intercourse was correlated with better cognitive function and the growth of new brain cells. Similar benefits have since been observed in human studies. A 2018 study of over 6,000 adults linked frequent sex with better memory performance in adults ages 50 and older.8
    • Improved immune function: Being more sexually active has positive effects on immune function.9 Regular sex may even lower your likelihood of getting a cold or the flu.
    • Lower pain levels: The endorphins from sex promote more than just a sense of well-being and calm. Sex endorphins also appear to reduce migraine and back pain.
  • May Promote Weight Loss: Having sex for 30 minutes burns an average of 200 calories.10

    The rewarding brain chemicals released during sex can subdue food cravings and support weight loss.

  • Positive cardiac effects: Sexual activity (but not masturbation) has been linked with lower systolic blood pressure.11 Elevated blood pressure increases the risk of heart disease and stroke. Sexual activity helps dilate blood vessels, increasing the delivery of oxygen and nutrients throughout the body while reducing blood pressure.
  • Additional physical benefits: Being more sexually active boosts libido and increases vaginal lubrication. Frequent intercourse is associated with lighter menstrual periods and less painful period cramps. In addition, an improved sense of smell, healthier teeth, better digestion, and glowing skin may be related to the release of DHEA by the body after sex.

Why scheduling touch time is essential during the pandemic.

During the 70’s the Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu mandated that his country start a baby boom. Ceasecu wanted to breed workers and soldiers by the millions. He banned birth control and dictated that women essentially stay pregnant. He set up state run orphanages for women to leave their extra babies. The children were changed and fed on a schedule. Despite having their basic needs taken care many of the children in Romania’s institutions started to die. They needed touch and human interaction. The American Psychological article summarizes the immediate and lasting effects of neglect (and article that’s hard to read for the disturbing child abuse stories) talk about the long term and real impact of not getting touched.
My favourite neuropsychology profesor Dr. Stan Tatkin has a great book about attachment called Wired for Love. It basically talks about how our partners can heal each other from childhood scars.  One of the most significant parts about secure attachment is about how couples can touch each other. Stan Tatkin talks often about reciprocity. Meaning there is a sharing or equality.
“Secure-functioning relationships are based on fairness, justice, and sensitivity for one another. If one partner holds all the power in a relationship, it will be difficult for the other to feel safe and secure.”
At a time when we are all stuck inside with a blistering case of cabin fever fairness and kindness is more important than ever.  I try to cope by dancing on the balcony (I’m usually dressed), getting out for a walk and counting the days when I can get to the store. I also spend some mindful time touching my partner. We actually schedule touch time during a pandemic when our schedules are much more fluid than they have ever been during our life together.  It helps if we want to choke each other and brings us closer.  It also helps push away the mosquito bites of being cramped together in close quarters. Another Stan Tatkin idiom is that we are far more likely to remember the negative emotions we feel than the positive. Touch helps erase and minimize those negative emotions.
“Our memory system is calibrated in such a way as to pick up negative experiences more than positive experiences. So, we’re more likely to remember when someone hurts our feelings than when someone does something nice for us.
Next time you find yourself fixating on everything your partner does that is hurtful, remind yourself of that.”  And let’s try touch. Anything important in my life I try and schedule. So try scheduling touch. Before you really want to strange each other. You may find this time of quarantine actually bring you closer than ever.

It's not your fault you have low libido. It's your fault if you aren't doing anything to fix it.

A disproportionate number of clients in my office are for hyposexual libido or low sex drive. Many of my low libido clients finally arrived in my office (or by skye/messenger) when their frustrated partners have finally lost it and threatened the relationship if their sex lives don’t improve. Partners who aren’t getting the sex they desperately want from their wives and husbands feel pushed away, depressed, unattractive and disconnected. Many feel like giving up. What comes after they have tried to improve the frequency of sex over the years is that their partners start looking for extra-marital stimulation. Or think about leaving. Or are just sad, lonely and unfulfilled within a stifling, sex-less marriage.
Talking about a lack of sex is a tough conversation to have with someone you love and want desperately to be with. In a monogamous relationship if your partner wants sex they have to turn to you. If you are pushing your lover away they go through the stages of grief when it comes to the loss of their sexuality. It’s when they get past the anger and stop initiating that relationships start to hit the boiling point. Don’t let it get to that point.
If you have low libido you can do something about it. Whether it’s because of peri-menopause or menopause, hormone changes, relationship challenges, medications like birth control and anti-depressants, stress, loss of connection, or emotional and psychological problems and baggage there are things you can certainly do to fix a lagging sex drive.
As I tell people we can fix this together. It’s not a failing or your fault. But it doesn’t magically get better on it’s own. This I can promise you. I’ve spent over 25 years focused on helping in the area of low libido. Some of the solutions are medical, some are about the habit of sex, some are working on limiting beliefs, uping the excitement and passion can help, and so can improving the overall relationship. Or all of the above together.
If you are single and want to give up your sexuality that is your choice. But if you are in a committed relationship where sex with each other is part of the dynamic then you need to take ownership if your libido is failing you. I know it can be hard. If you are stressed (and we all are), busy, disconnected, and feeling blah about sex ramping it up can feel daunting. For many people having sex feels like work.  My job is to help you find your way through this. We troubleshoot together until something works. Usually it’s about three things all at once as there is no one size fits all approach. I can get this done quickly, with humor, grace and a sense of urgency. As I tell my clients, there is no failing in having a missing libido. But not taking action and doing something about it while your partner flounders is all on you.

Feeling positive about your sexual self.

    Let’s talk about the things women can do to feel more positive about their sexuality. There have been two articles published this week outlining some new research.
    The first is on ways to become more open sexually.
    And the second is about the role mindfulness plays in increasing libido.
    We can always talk about it if you are stuck (book a 30 minute consultation for $70 here) but do something if you are stuck.
    It won’t magically get better. And hang in there.