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The Womanizer Premium Sex Toy. It's a clit pump and vibrator in one and really works.

As a Sex Therapist one of the top 5 issues in my office is women struggling to reach orgasm. For many women it’s frustrating, embarrassing and affects self image and relationships. I see women who feel inadequate that they are unable to climax.
When working with clients I start with the standard direction for reaching orgasm. It doesn’t involve intercourse or even a partner. The most powerful orgasms women will experience in her lifetime can often be had through masturbation.
Here’s the recipe I give out in my office for climax challenges.
1. The use of an orgasm cream to increase blood flow to the clitoris about an hour in advance.
2. Permission to watch or read erotica that the client finds arousing
3. Nipple stimulation for 10 minutes to increase oxytocin
4. High end clitoral pump that increases blood flow to the genitals.
5. Strong vibration on the whole genital area for 15 minutes.
For many women it’s the combination of increased oxytocin from the nipple suction, along with clitoral blood flow from the cream and clit pump that builds to orgasm. All together for two toys is over $300 for a good clitoral pump and a high end clitoral vibrator. And another $60 in clitoral cream.
That’s not cheap and involves handling a number of toys. Most women think orgasms should happen naturally. As I remind clients it’s okay to need help from technology. More women climax through masturbation and toys then anything else. Sex is perfectly natural, but never naturally perfect.
I have been hearing about the Womanizer – a new toy designed by a German couple from a few colleagues who had given it a try. It’s described by the site as using something called Pleasure Air. “This is Womanizer’s very own innovation. Pleasure Air™ technology offers touchless stimulation through gentle air pressure for your clitoris. The result? Feeling like you’re walking on air. Let the gentle vibrations guide you to incredible climaxes.”
The Womanizer is very gentle and mimics oral sex specifically on the clitoris.
For women who need lots of power and vaginal stimulation it may not be the best choice.
But for women who struggle with orgasms it’s now my first go-to toy. It works for nipple stimulation, then it feels like a clit pump with vibration. I like it because it eliminates the need for two toys. And anything that sucks with just the right amount of pressure is a public service. I really liked it both personally and professionally. Amazon has the Premium Womanizer at $180 so it’s in the high end toy category. But if you are going to invest in an orgasm toy (or ask for one as a birthday gift) it’s worth the money.

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The benefits of the body of having sex! Maybe it’s time to safely expand your germ circle.

We know this pesky pandemic has caused challenges to many people’s sex life. Random hookups, sex clubs, and one night stands are completely on hold. Sex with someone new can be life threatening. But many of us are missing a sexy life.
But as new information about the pandemic comes to light we can start making better choices when it comes to our sexual encounters.
The only thing that has kept me sane through the last few months when we can only gather in small groups is our germ circle. That’s a cohesive “family” group that has isolated and agrees to keep each other safe. We’ve helped each other out, shared grocery shopping, had a few recent socially distant backyard BBQ’s and got masked hugs when we needed it. As a mental health professional I am seeing that without human contact the cure for Covid may be worse than what ails you for some people.
Now that the Province and other parts of the world are cautiously opening up (Yay!!!!!!!) the idea that we might be open to cautious sexual encounters. You are horny but scared. The good news is that while Covid 19 is very contagious it isn’t transmitted sexually. Wear your mask, wash your hands and calm your anxieties. Sex is good for you.
Here is a list of what sex does for the body if you do want to step out. And if you are looking for a partner consider trying the new Duckling Dating site. I manage it and it’s friendly, authentic, verified, fun, open and super-sexy.
in the meantime, having sex improves your urinary incontinence, fights middle age, improves relationships, and gives you a total body workout. Here are some of the other things it does in a quote from the well mind people/

Physical Benefits of Increased Sex

It’s fairly intuitive to understand how sex improves emotional health, but there are a number of physical benefits from sex as well. Some of these include:

    • Better physical fitness: Sex is a form of exercise. According to the American Heart Association, sexual activity is equivalent to moderate physical activities, like brisk walking or climbing two flights of stairs.7 The motion of sex can tighten and tone abdominal and pelvic muscles. For women, improved muscle tone improves bladder control.
    • Enhanced brain function: Preliminary studies on rats found that more frequent intercourse was correlated with better cognitive function and the growth of new brain cells. Similar benefits have since been observed in human studies. A 2018 study of over 6,000 adults linked frequent sex with better memory performance in adults ages 50 and older.8
    • Improved immune function: Being more sexually active has positive effects on immune function.9 Regular sex may even lower your likelihood of getting a cold or the flu.
    • Lower pain levels: The endorphins from sex promote more than just a sense of well-being and calm. Sex endorphins also appear to reduce migraine and back pain.
  • May Promote Weight Loss: Having sex for 30 minutes burns an average of 200 calories.10

    The rewarding brain chemicals released during sex can subdue food cravings and support weight loss.

  • Positive cardiac effects: Sexual activity (but not masturbation) has been linked with lower systolic blood pressure.11 Elevated blood pressure increases the risk of heart disease and stroke. Sexual activity helps dilate blood vessels, increasing the delivery of oxygen and nutrients throughout the body while reducing blood pressure.
  • Additional physical benefits: Being more sexually active boosts libido and increases vaginal lubrication. Frequent intercourse is associated with lighter menstrual periods and less painful period cramps. In addition, an improved sense of smell, healthier teeth, better digestion, and glowing skin may be related to the release of DHEA by the body after sex.

Why scheduling touch time is essential during the pandemic.

During the 70’s the Romanian dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu mandated that his country start a baby boom. Ceasecu wanted to breed workers and soldiers by the millions. He banned birth control and dictated that women essentially stay pregnant. He set up state run orphanages for women to leave their extra babies. The children were changed and fed on a schedule. Despite having their basic needs taken care many of the children in Romania’s institutions started to die. They needed touch and human interaction. The American Psychological article summarizes the immediate and lasting effects of neglect (and article that’s hard to read for the disturbing child abuse stories) talk about the long term and real impact of not getting touched.
My favourite neuropsychology profesor Dr. Stan Tatkin has a great book about attachment called Wired for Love. It basically talks about how our partners can heal each other from childhood scars.  One of the most significant parts about secure attachment is about how couples can touch each other. Stan Tatkin talks often about reciprocity. Meaning there is a sharing or equality.
“Secure-functioning relationships are based on fairness, justice, and sensitivity for one another. If one partner holds all the power in a relationship, it will be difficult for the other to feel safe and secure.”
At a time when we are all stuck inside with a blistering case of cabin fever fairness and kindness is more important than ever.  I try to cope by dancing on the balcony (I’m usually dressed), getting out for a walk and counting the days when I can get to the store. I also spend some mindful time touching my partner. We actually schedule touch time during a pandemic when our schedules are much more fluid than they have ever been during our life together.  It helps if we want to choke each other and brings us closer.  It also helps push away the mosquito bites of being cramped together in close quarters. Another Stan Tatkin idiom is that we are far more likely to remember the negative emotions we feel than the positive. Touch helps erase and minimize those negative emotions.
“Our memory system is calibrated in such a way as to pick up negative experiences more than positive experiences. So, we’re more likely to remember when someone hurts our feelings than when someone does something nice for us.
Next time you find yourself fixating on everything your partner does that is hurtful, remind yourself of that.”  And let’s try touch. Anything important in my life I try and schedule. So try scheduling touch. Before you really want to strange each other. You may find this time of quarantine actually bring you closer than ever.

It's not your fault you have low libido. It's your fault if you aren't doing anything to fix it.

A disproportionate number of clients in my office are for hyposexual libido or low sex drive. Many of my low libido clients finally arrived in my office (or by skye/messenger) when their frustrated partners have finally lost it and threatened the relationship if their sex lives don’t improve. Partners who aren’t getting the sex they desperately want from their wives and husbands feel pushed away, depressed, unattractive and disconnected. Many feel like giving up. What comes after they have tried to improve the frequency of sex over the years is that their partners start looking for extra-marital stimulation. Or think about leaving. Or are just sad, lonely and unfulfilled within a stifling, sex-less marriage.
Talking about a lack of sex is a tough conversation to have with someone you love and want desperately to be with. In a monogamous relationship if your partner wants sex they have to turn to you. If you are pushing your lover away they go through the stages of grief when it comes to the loss of their sexuality. It’s when they get past the anger and stop initiating that relationships start to hit the boiling point. Don’t let it get to that point.
If you have low libido you can do something about it. Whether it’s because of peri-menopause or menopause, hormone changes, relationship challenges, medications like birth control and anti-depressants, stress, loss of connection, or emotional and psychological problems and baggage there are things you can certainly do to fix a lagging sex drive.
As I tell people we can fix this together. It’s not a failing or your fault. But it doesn’t magically get better on it’s own. This I can promise you. I’ve spent over 25 years focused on helping in the area of low libido. Some of the solutions are medical, some are about the habit of sex, some are working on limiting beliefs, uping the excitement and passion can help, and so can improving the overall relationship. Or all of the above together.
If you are single and want to give up your sexuality that is your choice. But if you are in a committed relationship where sex with each other is part of the dynamic then you need to take ownership if your libido is failing you. I know it can be hard. If you are stressed (and we all are), busy, disconnected, and feeling blah about sex ramping it up can feel daunting. For many people having sex feels like work.  My job is to help you find your way through this. We troubleshoot together until something works. Usually it’s about three things all at once as there is no one size fits all approach. I can get this done quickly, with humor, grace and a sense of urgency. As I tell my clients, there is no failing in having a missing libido. But not taking action and doing something about it while your partner flounders is all on you.

Feeling positive about your sexual self.

    Let’s talk about the things women can do to feel more positive about their sexuality. There have been two articles published this week outlining some new research.
    The first is on ways to become more open sexually.
    And the second is about the role mindfulness plays in increasing libido.
    We can always talk about it if you are stuck (book a 30 minute consultation for $70 here) but do something if you are stuck.
    It won’t magically get better. And hang in there.

Orgasms in O town for breast cancer. Let's talk about your sexy bits!

Libido workshop July 22nd 7-9 pm!

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How being sexy can make you live longer

I used to talk to my clients about why being more intimate was good fro your relationship. And obviously that it felt good to do. Now I talk about it related to health. In the last two decades all the research suggests that sex does much more than be a fun, free activity. It is remarkably good for you. 
Longevity research has gotten lots of publicity lately with National Geographic funding the “Blue Zone Study” about the places in the world where humans live the longest. The UK has now funded a Ministry of Loneliness after proving that community is one of the main markers for health and long life. Community, sex and having three people you can count on are all markers for living into your ninth decade. 
A Harvard University study done in August 2018 identified five key habits that could potentially add a decade to life expectancy, including eating a balanced diet, exercising regularly and drinking only moderately. Find out how adding sensuality to your life can have you living longer. 
You can read the whole article here.
Other suggestions include taking a walk, getting enough sleep, drinking coffee and a small amount of the locally distilled alcohol, avoid early retirement and don’t act your age.
Finding time to get naked and sexy seems ket. I did an interview this week with Joanne Laucius from Postmedia about sex and older adults.We are still getting it on and finding new ways to connect with sex partners. She raised the question is it the endorphins from sex or is it the fact that we are connecting and being intimate with someone that helped healthy aging? I think it’s both but either way as your friendly, neighborhood Sex Therapist I’m encouraging you to get it on.
There was

School of Sex! Let's talk about anal sex done with grace, and laugh-out-loud fun

Sunday, April 2, 2017
2:00 PM to 4:30 PM
The Rosemount Orange Hall
41 Rosemount Ave, Hintonburg, Ottawa, ON

Our next School of Sex is coming up April 2nd and we want to talk about your behind. Our your partner’s. Or girl’s with strap-on’s. Or prostate stimulation. Or how, why, when, and all the details about oh-so-carefully putting things in your bum.
Delivered by Sue (along with a guest lecturer) if you have interested, scared, unsure, confused, turned-on or the like by anal sex then come out for this month’s latest School of Sex series lecture. This is NOT your parents (or your kid’s) sex ed class.
If you want to de-mystify and learn what’s new with your anus, rectum and other stuff “back there” this is the place. It promises to be an interesting workshop. We will have the usual snacks and a chance to really understand how to include new kinds of stimulation – safely. And like all Duckling events it is fun, social, warm, and inclusive.
Educational, fun and with the essential life experience for anyone who has an ass.
$30 including refreshments. This is an open event so everyone is welcome. Bring a friend and find out all about the Ducklings and our School of Sex series. Click here to find out more and sign up!
You can pay at the door but there are maximums that the room holds so purchasing in advance is strongly encouraged. This is a 2-3 duck event. Educational but sassy.

Re -Ignite You! Re-build your relationship with Money, Sex and Self.

success
What are you waiting for? Save the date to Re-ignite You! This event will help you reflect, renew and regenerate your life.
When: November 5, 2016, 9:00 – 4:00 pm
Where: Ottawa Convention and Events Centre, 200 Coventry Road, Ottawa
$99 inclusive
Join Sandi Sharkey at this event which features four leading Ottawa business women who’ve lived through it all.They will share their expertise and experiences through engaging and interactive sessions that will help you to reach deep within yourself to re-build your confidence, vitality and relationships.
Hear the top Experts;
Judith Cain, National Money Coach, Sue McGarvie, Clinical Sex, Libido and Relationship Therapist, Diane Valiquette, Rebuilding after Separation and Divorce, and Pierrette Raymond, Organization and Life Makeover Specialist. It will be a fabulous day! This is the one day workshop that will get you unstuck!

Relationships and you
Do you know why you do the things you do? Do you know what your patterns
are in relationships, why they exist and how to change the ones that are just not working? It all starts with you! With Diane’s help you will learn why you do the things you do in relationships, why you pick the partners you do,
and how to empower yourself to create the best relationships possible.
Diane Valiquette, Founder and CEO of the Separation and Divorce Resource Centre, has been offering relationship advice for more than a decade. Her no-nonsense approach has made her a sought-after expert in the field of
rebuilding relationships and divorce. The Separation and Divorce Resource Centre, founded in 2004, is the first in
Canada to offer interdisciplinary family-based services to individuals going through the separation and divorce
process. What is unique about the Centre is that it is a one-stop-shop for helping people who are going through
this painful experience in life. It is the only place in Canada that offers every element of the breakdown process,
from family meditation and legal services to financial planning, child and youth services and relationship
rebuilding.
Empower your sex life!
Good sex is part of a healthy and abundant life and is an important part of the human condition. Food tastes
better, the sun shines brighter and great sex is the glue that sticks relationships together. Find out how to increase your libido, ignite the passion, and discover your sexy self. We will
explore new models of relationships, learn about the five things you need to understand before meeting a new partner, and make your intimacy magical.
Sue McGarvie is a Clinical Sex and Relationship Therapist with a background in reproductive medicine and
psychology, and has been practicing in Ottawa since 1993. Sue is considered a leading Canadian expert on libido,
hormones and intimate relationships. She has been a talk show host for more than ten years on both television
and radio, and now has a new syndicated feature called Three Minute Therapist. Sue is the author of two books
on relationships and is busy writing a new book called The Suburban Hedonist. She used to discuss contraception
with her audience …now she talks about menopause. Sue McGarvie head’s the Ottawa Libido and Sex Therapy Clinic and has been a regular contributor to MacLean’s, Chatelaine, and Canadian Living. As a sex and relationship therapist Sue has worked with individuals and couples to save marriages, increase intimacy and balance hormones. She lives in Westboro, runs with scissors and has a mild chocolate addiction.
Money –one of the most powerful forces in the world. Do you understand it all? Judith Cane, Canada’s Money Coach does and she’ll share it with you through a dynamic, engaging presentation. Got questions? Ask. Answers? Judith has them. Plain-talking, point-making, educational and entertaining, Judith Cane, will help you to re-ignite your money plans, re-think your spending and make sure you are in charge of your credit and cash flow.
Judith is Canada’s Money Coach and has worked in the financial services industry for more than 27 years. She has
worked with hundreds of clients to create a clear picture of their financial situation, build a realistic spending and savings plan, implement a Get Out of Debt and Stay There strategy and finally help them to achieve their
financial goals.

Why joining a community will help you live longer.

Ducklings(1)It has been long understood that as human beings we need to be surrounded by people who like and understand us. We need to be touched, and we need basic human contact. Having a community of people we can count on to have our backs when something goes wrong has been essential for survival. Traditionally it has been our family, extended family and neighbours who have made up our clan. These folks have a common background and can relate to who we are. But it turns out that community is even more than that.
Harvard University has done arguably the longest study on adult development in history. It’s still going strong and there is a great Ted Talk done by psychiatrist Robert Waldinger who is the study’s fourth director. Harvard has spent 75 years asking over 700 men what makes them healthy and happy. Every two years they asked men (aged from their teens right through to their nineties) where they are in their lives and what was important to them. By talking to them and their families, and asking them to share what really mattered, the clearest picture of what they valued throughout their lives has been created. The study went beyond surveys. These men had their brain’s scanned, their blood tested and their medical records examined. After 75 years, they have tens of thousands of data points.
The key message that has come out of this study to date is that good relationships keep us healthier and happier. And good relationships don’t just make us a little more joyous and more likely to age well, but fundamentally improve our health and happiness. “Forget wealth and fame” says Waldinger, “good relationships are what has the most impact on our happiness.” There were three take-aways about relationships that came through in all of this research. As you might assume, social connections are good for us and loneliness kills. People who are connected to family, friends and community live longer and are healthier. Adults who are lonely have a declining brain function, their health starts to decline in midlife, and they live shorter lives. The second important insight is that it doesn’t matter how many people you have around you, it’s the quality of those relationships. Constant conflict is very bad for our health. And living in the midst of good, warm relationships are protective. And relationships can mean a significant partner, groups of partners, communal living, groups of friends etc. It absolutely shows that the quality of your life is the quality of your relationships. Waldinger stated that“ participants who were the most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80 no matter what their cholesterol numbers or other health markers looked like”. Lastly the study found that good relationships don’t just affect your health, they also affect your brain. If you can count on the people in your life to have your back you are most likely to keep your marbles as you get older. It’s an anti-dementia protocol. The people who fared the best were those who leaned into relationships and found their community.
We are seeing this in action in our community group we started called The Ducklings. A community is any group of individuals connected to each other by like interests. The Ducklings are a local, adult group for people who want date nights and fun, sexy adventures. We think it’s a gathering of new friends that’s a little saucy but warm, friendly and giving. We have been astounded at how fast people have joined. They are signing up in droves looking for a safe group in which to get to know new people. With the Ducklings, the goal is to try and be a little sexy so it’s edgier than a service club like Rotary. But it stays well on this side of socially appropriate and the emphasis is on having a safe environment.
Being a Duckling gives members a chance to try out new, fun activities about town. Initially couples came because they wanted a place to have fun with their own partner without the worry of planning new date ideas. And for singles, it was about getting out with like-minded potential partners. For anyone new to the city they often don’t have any real connections beyond work. And it’s lonely. You go from work to home. Work to the grocery store to home. If you can’t make friends, life gets very narrow. And as the Harvard study has shown, even people with a significant relationship need community. As therapists, we believe that one person can’t meet all your needs and it’s unrealistic to expect them to.
Beyond the healthier and happier reasons that Waldinger and his team has outlined over the last 75 years, what specifically can the Ducklings or other community groups do that is so important? A community of people with the same interests share intimate conversations, social events, and deep relationships. Having a strong network of similar people presents options for a night out. It gives you a friend to call when times are rough or simply someone to laugh-out-loud with on a Friday night.
Your community tells you when something is working – and when something isn’t. Without a community you won’t receive positive feedback or get reined in when a behavior becomes an issue. It is part of the continuing socialization process of fitting in. As human beings, we need a sense of belonging. Community is where we find comfort in difficult times. What’s interesting for us as therapists is that the group becomes bigger than the sum of its parts. Meaning that the group takes on a life of it’s own and connections happen. Life gets better for the members in many ways that wouldn’t have happened without the group existing in the first place.
So the moral is find your people. We invite you to come and be a Duckling (www.wearetheducklings.com). But if we are not your people then find the group that is. Your life will depend on it.

Transparencies in Relationships

infidelity1It was the summer of Ashley Madison. You would have had to been on Mars not to have heard about the fallout from the illegal hack to the world’s most notorious infidelity site. All summer I dealt with people worried about being exposed. And with good reason. Emails from blackmailers, talk around the water cooler, investigation from employers, and partners asking to swap phones to search for dubious conversations all created massive stress for anyone who had a profile on the site. Ordinary folk felt very at risk. It certainly caused a number of couples to start conversations about wants and desires. I tell couples that infidelity doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship but it certainly is a wake-up call. And it is profoundly betraying and hurtful for the spouse who Melissa Etheridge calls “an unwitting fool”. If you are starting to wonder what else is out there or are actively fantasizing about partners other than your own, then it’s time to up the transparency. Before you cross that cheating line, talking about those feelings can release some steam and cause individuals to really own their desires. As a therapist I help people navigate the gray areas. It’s what Jessica O’Reilly calls “monogamish”. Monogamish is things like upping the sensuality, pretending your waitress will be joining you in bed as a couple, sexy date nights and things like flirty hot tubbing. Safely, openly and holding your partner’s hand allows you to communicate about what you really desire.
But what happens if your partner wants to maintain the status quo? Or isn’t open to new sensuous adventures?
Pulling the covers over your head and hoping your partner’s desires (or your own) will just go away isn’t the solution. That’s what fed the desire to have an affair in the first place. Like with low libido, this doesn’t magically get better. If you think you’ll outgrow it. think again. I regularly speak to men in their late 80’s who still have the desire for daily sex.
Counseling helps. Figuring out why you are blocked sexually is a positive step no matter how you define your relationship. I call it your “sex quotient”. It’s your prude factor. If you are too uncomfortable to safely explore your sexuality with your partner then it’s time to do something about it. Therapy can deal with trauma, guilt, or general uncomfortable feelings about sex. Figure out what turns you on. Sex is a HUGE part of married life. If you aren’t having hot or regular sex, then it’s time to ask yourself (or your partner) why. Transparency about what you really want in bed and a safe place to discuss it is the best way to remain in a committed relationship.