It’s called busy brain syndrome. It’s when your mind runs a constant dialogue in your head. You know what I mean. It’s when the list of sixty-three things that you have to do is swirling around and you start obsessing while you may be trying to unplug. When it happens, you can’t ignore your action items and focus on living in the moment. It’s a huge issue I see with women sexually. In fact it’s a recurring theme among the smart, successful, and very busy women I see in my practice. These are women who spend their days checking things off their extensive to do lists. Slowing down the thinking to allow your body to catch up and sexual desire to begin to build becomes a real challenge. If you are finding yourself needing more than one glass of wine to relax for sex or find it difficult to switch gears and be intimate then you may need to learn some specific techniques that help you gear up your sexy self.
If you are busy thinking about your grocery list or pondering “beige, I can paint the ceiling beige” when your partner is spending time between your legs then it’s time to hear about sexual mindfulness. Women seem to be much more easily distracted during sex. Maybe it’s those Mommy ears, or an anxiety that someone or something may interrupt. The women I speak to wonder if there is something wrong with them. ‘Why am I thinking about that? Why am I not able to focus?'” Are you asking yourself what you can you do to stay present in the moment?
I hear from many women who feel that sex is a chore. The average Canadian couple has sex at 10:34pm. Sex is apparently something that is supposed to happen at the end of an exhausting day when couples finally manage to fall into bed. Many men have no trouble putting sex first. They tell me that everything -Christmas, field trip forms, even food are not as important as finding time to get naked together. You may have a partner for whom sex is a priority and you feel guilty for not being as into it as you think you should be. If a quality relationship is one of the most important things in our lives then why are we having so much trouble shelving the list of stuff we need to do and jumping our sweetie’s bones?
So besides exhaustion and a head full of tasks, what are some of the other things that block your body’s sexual response? Many women describe the “one moment”. The moment is when they know exactly how the sexual experience will play out before it happens – good, bad or in between. Whether the sex has a déjà vu feeling or that their partner’s techniques are repetitive, women from THAT moment onward are simply going through the motions. If women have this feeling that an orgasm won’t happen, or that their bodies are simply not going to respond they tend to check out and start thinking about other things.
What can you do to put yourself into the mood for sex? How can you get your head in the game?
I like anchoring techniques. Anchoring is the technique where you systematically put yourself in the frame of mind by remembering a time when you were feeling happy and sexy. Then you “pin” that feeling to a physical spot on your body. Snap or squeeze two of your fingers repeatedly when you are in a sexy mood. Do it again and again with emphasis and any time you squeeze your fingers again you start to immediately feel happy and sexy. You can learn to quickly bring yourself back to that mood – even if you are commencing from a cold start. Remember a time when you were turned on. Make it vivid, like a colourful movie. When you start smiling or twitching form the memory then anchor it.
I’ll also suggest a hypnotherapy tape. All hypnosis (in my opinion) is a way to access our subconscious mind and try and change that tape in our heads. I’ll help clients with messages like “I love sex with my partner”, “I feel sexy”, “I am able to calm myself and get into sex” and other scripts that specifically reflect the positive message you are trying to tell yourself. I regularly use my phone to make positive audio messages about whatever self-improvement I am working on personally.
I have one client who swears by the mind calming technique of mindful relaxation. This technique involves naming objects and cities before she gets into bed with her husband. Other women like journaling, or use rituals like a bath, candles or a massage to help them switch gears. Writing down the list of busy thoughts before heading to the bedroom can be calming. And you know that you haven’t forgotten anything so you can allow yourself to take a sex hiatus. I also suggest unplugging at least once a day. I find my anxiety can ratchet up (and my sexual desire diminish) if I am too connected to my phone.
Finally try Eckhart Tolle’s Practice of Present Moment Awareness. He suggests three steps.
Become conscious of your breathing. Don’t try to control it, just place your attention on it. Dan Harris in his great book 10% Happier calls it “getting behind the waterfall of emotion”. When you place your attention on your breath, you are no longer occupied in the mind and you become aware of the present moment. The bottom line is to drag your attention away from the mind and place it in the moment you want to be in. For this exercise it is being present sexually and noticing what that feels like. Try it. It gets easier and the result in increased orgasms and more enthusiasm for sex speaks for itself.
How will you know when you’ve discovered a genuine romance that will go the distance? Does it even exist? Provided that this is possible, how would you go about discovering it? Some are sufficiently fortunate to have it. They met in High school and lived happily ever after. Many aren’t as lucky. On the off chance that you are one who hasn’t, or isn’t certain, there are a couple of pointers that can help you begin discovering intimate romance!
Finding love would be so much less stressful if there was a manual out there disclosing precisely where to discover it. Lamentably, we don’t have such a book. What’s more, to exacerbate matters, sentimental people let us know it still exists once we have already lost hope.
So where do we search for genuine, long-term romance?
In today’s reality, we have a bunch of choices: web dating, speed dating, singles or Duckling meet-ups (www.sexwithsue.com/duckling-events), bars, parties, service groups, classes, stores, libraries, and many more day to day encounters. Yet, with these choices, large portions of us are still searching for that intimate romance.
Consequently what are the steps to find a great love? Besides getting a great dating picture, and telling your friends you are open to introductions you need to get the internal stuff ready. Here are some of the things we discuss during our workshops about intimacy that might benefit you this spring. (www.sexwithsue.com/workshops).
Cherish yourself
As cheesy as it may sound, the first step to discovering intimate romance is to cherish yourself. Take pride in your achievements! Take pride in your appearance. Create hobbies and pastimes. These are the sorts of things that make you a balanced, confident individual. Furthermore, gentlemen find confident interesting women hot! Also a date with many interests is fun and fascinating to be around. There is a great book for women by Sherry Argrov about “Why Men Love Bitches”. The male equivalent literature discusses women’s desire for Bad Boys. In either case, the opposite sex is most attracted to partners with confidence, and sex appeal.
Realize what you need
We all have our benchmarks. Try not to permit yourself to settle for less. Don’t settle short of what you need and merit. This would just subtract from your own achievements and hobbies. Verify that you comprehend what you need, as well as verify you set those guidelines sufficiently high. Somebody may appear like an awesome gentleman, yet in the event that he can’t furnish you with the adoring relationship you merit, why might you settle for this? You deserve to be loved and cherished. Be clear, market well, and understand that your life partner may be in a different package. But being treated well is mandatory for a long-term connected relationship.
Be persistent
Don’t give up. I have lots of clients who have been searching the free sites (craig’s list, okcupid, and pof.com) to no avail. If it’s not working, change something up (try one of the paid sites for serious searchers), get a new picture, have a friend edit your ad, or try one of the local meet-ups. Anything but staying at home and bingeing on Ben and Jerry’s. Love takes work but it’s worth looking for.
Give
What’s more, at long lasting, genuine romance obliges that both partners give of themselves. One of the five keys of couples that make it is an ability to put the other person first. This isn’t being a doormat. But it is being willing to bend, be flexible and work with someone. Rigid isn’t attractive. My husband and I talk about being “fair, firm, kind, and consistent” in our courses. We also talk about being generous of spirit. Kindness matters.
So if you think you’ve tried these ideas and are still stuck then reach out to us. As a couple we work with people to find both hot, wild, monkey sex, and an amazing relationship. It’s stepping out of your comfort zone and trying new things. Life is short. Love is important. Don’t miss out. There is a great love waiting for you too.
It’s probably no secret than many of us have often been tossed into the crazy world of dating and not by our own choice and typically by total surprise. Unfortunately in some instances relationships and marriages fail. But let’s face it, we’re not meant to spend the rest of our lives on our own, we’re meant to share our lives with someone. We bet that you may not want to admit it right now, but living on your own can certainly become rather lonely after a while.
Taking a step back into the world of dating doesn’t need to be difficult.
If you choose to decide to take the initial leap into the dating world once again, you need to make sure that you do it with an open heart and with your eyes wide open eyes. Nevertheless, you filled to the brim with knowledge this time and are armed to the teeth with an arsenal of do’s and dont’s from your previous experiences.
Identify and understand what you need, not what you want.
You will need to begin with a clear list of what you want and need in an individual as opposed to what you desire. Your list should also include things that you will absolutely not accept. As we become older, the window of opportunity becomes smaller, which means there isn’t much room for mistakes. So gather your arsenal and your game plan!
Don’t allow fear to get in the way.
Alright soldier, what is there to fear? Don’t allow fear and unnecessary self-doubt prevent you from potentially falling in love. Love can unarguably be a great motivator for many of us, so allow it to shine through and don’t hold back those emotions.
Don’t be fearful in joining online dating websites. Nevertheless, ensure that you are very picky and never allow yourself to be pulled in by just a handsome or beautiful face. Always search further and look at this as you would as a form of business deal. You are in this for the long haul so you don’t want to discover any possible hidden secrets.
Try something new.
Just because you know that something is tried and tested, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s the correct way of doing things. Why not try new methods in order to meet new people. So you have never signed up to an online dating website? Give it a go! We heard that you’ve never considered working with a professional matchmaker either, so why not give that a go!
Choose your group of friends carefully.
Doesn’t that sound awfully familiar? Well, it’s good common sense, that’s why. Take a quick look around you, do you find that you’re mostly surrounded by single individuals who are constantly complaining about their situation? Abort! Evacuate that circle immediately and jump into a more positive group. If you choose to hang around with ‘winners’, sooner or later some of their mojo will rub onto you.
Focus on your own happiness.
Who isn’t trying to focus on their own sense of happiness? Nevertheless, the fact of the matter is that very few individuals actually are. What they seem to focus on is the situations, events and things that they believe will make them happy. Discover what rattles your cage (in a good way) and what puts you in a good mood, then simply do more of it. If you are genuinely happy, then everything will begin to magically fall into place, and finding someone to share your life with will become far easier on your nerves.
There are also a few things you can do that have been scientifically proven to make us more attractive to potential mates. For women, wearing red, smiling, wearing your hair long (think extensions if you don’t have it), less-not more makeup, more exaggerated waist/hip ratio (tighten that corset), and believe it or not talking in a higher voice all makes women seem more physically attractive. For men, it’s actually playing it cool that works. Not smiling, sexual and personal confidence, smelling nice, good oral hygiene, and appearing masculine. Which is why most women find tool belts, 5 O’clock shadows (or playoff beards) so hot.
So get out there. Be sexy. If you are in Ontario consider joining our Duckling group. It’s a safe way to be sexy and gets you out of the house. You need to find that special someone.
During the pandemic months I am having a special. I am offering dating therapy and coaching with 3 sessions as well as a dating ad, photo consultation and action items to get you a new partner.Only $500. Let’s have you dating someone new within the month. Reach out now for an appointment.
I call it the Sexiness factor. It’s that elusive quality that makes you seem hot and sexually attractive to your mate or potential mate. It’s that flirty look you give your partner under your lashes. Or how a partner with a 5 o’clock shadow can give you that lopsided grin and get your heart pounding. It’s that bounce in your step knowing that you want your lover and they want you too. Everyone wants to feels sexy. And everyone wants a sexy partner. You don’t have to be the youngest, the thinnest or the person with the ripped abs to be sexy. The sexiness factor is about making the most of what you have. It’s the confidence in knowing your appeal whatever age you are at. And then working it. If you’ve been sitting around too long in yoga pants or that ripped tank top you’ve had since high school then it may be time to sit up and take notice. You could be in a sexual rut. You may have lost that loving feeling. Or your partner may not find you as sexually appealing as they once did.
Why is this important, and particularly for the men I see in my practice? For starters, we are living in a society with a 52% divorce rate where infidelity and lack of sexual desire plays a part in more breakups than most care to admit. This may not be news for you, but most healthy adult men think about sex a lot. Between four and six times an hour for men according to the most recent University of Nevada study. They want a partner they find desirable and whom other men find desirable. Even with the same sex couples polled by the University of Chicago, sexy was one of the top 5 things most people consider essential in a partner.
On the off chance that you’ve been too complacent in taking your partner’s and your own sexiness factor for granted, it’s not too late to up your game. It’s easy to fall into the role of the “we’re intimate companions” as opposed to supporting the passion that was there at the start of your relationship. In the early days when first dating, individuals are attracted to mates who are confident, sexy, constructive and upbeat. The challenge is that the initial zing of the relationship diminishes. Any individual who tells you they have the same wow for each other in year nine as they did in week one after the wedding is simply lying. Indeed biochemically, it just doesn’t work that way. The first 9 to 12 months of that “in love” sensation wanes. But the attraction can remain if you make an effort to look and be sexy for your sweetie.
When couples initially meet and begin to fall head over heels in love, their bodies are flooded with a blend of chemicals that influence their cerebrum and hormones. This experience is widespread as writers have expounded on it and troubadours have sung about it for a great many years. Both men and ladies are defenseless to it as our faculties abandon us, and we are devoured by the object of our love. You look at people in love under an MRI and they look insane. It’s called lovesick for a reason. When we see the person of our desire, our palms sweat, we go powerless at the knees and butterflies show up from no place in our gut. A kiss or insignificant thought about our new found sweetheart lights our sexual reactions ablaze and we say bizarre, at times imbecilic things on the grounds that we are so transfixed.
So what happens? We don’t stay in this condition of uplifted desire for a long time. Over the long run, that bond between lovers changes and we don’t lose ourselves to unbridled longing each time we see them in a room. Commonality does not breed disdain in many relationships however it positively can breed a cooling of sparks between the sheets. Commonality likewise makes us feel more secure and more agreeable. But there is a drive for newness. If there is new flare in the bedroom (anything from a different technique to playing the French mistress), it is appealing and sexy.
As the passionate side of a relationship takes work and devotion, so does the sexual side. You have to stay occupied with craving your sweetie and having them long for you in return. This isn’t just about being physically sexy, although staying in shape helps. Aging happens to all of us. Sexual fascination is measured through effort, creativity and connection. Connection can happen with similar interests, doing things together and sensuous date nights. Try new things together. Be that couple who investigates the world and are energized by life while they embrace it together. Learn together, act as a team, appreciate one another’s personalities and organization, and your bodies will go with the same pattern. You stay attractive by changing and discovering all of life together, not simply remembering the time when you fell head over heels in love. Someone who talks about sex, is interested in sex, and makes a continual effort to improve sexually is an exciting partner. Despite being a sex therapist for close to 25 years, I am still learning new things new techniques and I find sex interesting. I tell women to work on their anti-prude factor. And work at not being a starfish. Starfish is the term used to describe women who lie back in bed and don’t make any effort to initiate, engage, or show their sexual interest while having sex. You can picture the shape. “Lie back and think of England kind of sex.” I keep hearing from my clients about the frustration of letting their sex lives sink into oblivion or obligatory sex. Couples in this state start to feel like brother and sister. Or friends that co-parent.
So what can you do specifically? I preach the mantra of date nights incessantly. Together with my husband we run a fun and sassy adventure group for couples (and singles) that share collective date nights and ideas. We call them the Ducklings and they are a great way to make friends and have idiot-proof date adventures. As a group we do things like tasting aphrodisiac foods, shooting each other in adult-only laser tag and brunch burlesque shows among other things. Find out more at www.sexwithsue.com/duckling-events.
With spring in the air make a commitment to up your sexiness factor. Maybe it’s time to invest in new lingerie this season, and increase your sexual nuances a little bit. I guarantee the payoff on your sexiness factor will put a smile on the face of your partner. And have you walking taller
Your happiness depends on it.
Intimacy workshops starting April 26th, 2015. From romance to hanging from chandeliers.
Couples Workshop on intimacy, keeping it hot, and romance
One of the most common questions I get asked from clients is how do you keep up the passion? Especially for people who have been together for a long time. Finding out what’s new in sex, and exploring things you may not have tried is the theme of this new workshop. So if you are asking questions like; What if we want to try something a little more risqué? or How do we try it with grace and integrity? then you may want to consider this workshop for singles and couples. Sex Therapist Sue McGarvie and her husband Blaik Spratt are presenting a 4 week workshop on outlining all of the mild and wild things you can do to create a smoking hot relationship- all without stepping on relationship landmines. This is for couples (and singles) that know they want to ignite the passion within and to learn about new sexual experiences in a safe, professional atmosphere. Sue McGarvie (sex with Sue) has been talking about sex in Ottawa for close to 25 years. Along with her husband Blaik, they can be your tour guides into what might be the best way to safely spark up your love life.
Find out how amazing your sex life could be this spring with topics that include:
What turns you on?
Where are you on the sexual continuum? Where is your partner and what does it all mean?
What is your Love Language and how does your sweetie feel loved?
Sensual touch and Tantric sex.
Burlesque, body image and how to move in a sexy way.
Toys, sexual communication, and expanding your sexual repertoire.
Covered under workplace benefits plans and it makes a great date afternoon. It’s happening in Westboro, Sunday’s from 2 to 3:30 for four consecutive weeks. April 26, May 3rd, May 10th and May 17th.
Sign up now!
$300 with munchies, refreshments and a full book new ideas!
EH1 Course Agenda Spring 2015 ( 2 – 3:30 pm )
Week 1 (April 26)
Topics Activities / Events
Participant Introduction
General Course Introduction Guest speaker – finding your sexy self
What Turns You On Where’s Your Spot?
Fantasy vs Reality Who is your fantasy?
EH Continuum Scale Continuum Game
Week 2 (May 3)
Topics Activities/ Events
Love Languages
Sexual Communication
Gender Differences
Social Nudity Guest Speaker – Understanding your parts
Week 3 (May 10)
Topics Activities/ Events
5 Steps Of Apology
Tantric Sex
Sensual Massage
Sex Toys
Boudoir Guest Speaker – What’s new in sex
Week 4 (May 17)
Topics Activities / Events
Guest speaker – Dipping a toe
Negotiation Guest speaker – Being sexy
Jealousies / Insecurities Fantasy Exercise
Communication Play partner Continuum
What’s new in sex? What turns you on? Fantasy vs. Reality. Gender differences and communication. Sensual touch and Tantric sex. Burlesque, body image and how to move in a sexy way. Toys, ropes, massage and expanding your sexual repertoire.
For four consecutive weeks on Sunday afternoons we are having a kick-ass workshop on everything you can do to keep your relationship soling hot. Think of it as fun group therapy with the best sexuality speakers in the city. A full insurance receipt is provided (so the cost is covered under your benefits plan). That means essentially free, and we have cookies! Cutting edge information that makes a huge difference in your intimate life. $75 per week or $300 for four weeks. It’s happening in Westboro, Sunday afternoons 2 to 3:30 pm in May. It makes a great date afternoon, or connect with new people as a single.
Starts April 26th, 2015
This workshop is for couples who wish to learn and understand the dynamics in enhanced sexual relationships. This course is also recommended for couples who want more information beyond an introduction to what is out there to experience. So if you are asking questions like; How do I bring up and possibly negotiate expanding our sex life to include new forms of play? and If we do walk that path, how do we maximize the experience while minimizing the risk?, then this may well be for you.
Sue McGarvie,
It’s a huge issue in male body image
As a sex therapist, I am constantly seeing men who are worried about their virility. Much of it has to do with the size, shape, and function of their penises. It is really surprising to most women how concerned men are about their equipment. Women really don’t get it. We think penises are mysterious and cool. We know that for the most part, our sexual satisfaction has to do with how great you are with your hands and your mouth as well, not just a penis your size or how long you can bang us for. Yes, women like intercourse, but a majority of women get their most powerful orgasms by intercourse. Only 30% of women reach orgasm from intercourse alone, regardless of the size of a man’s penis.
When I started my practice, I used to see more men that were too big rather than too small. I had a number of men whose partners were sore or flat-out refused to have sex with someone who was too physically big. Most women have vaginas that are less than 6 inches when elongated. If you are 6 inches or bigger, your penis banging on her cervix hurts.
Trying to communicate that to a man who is concerned about his penis size and shape is often a therapeutic process. As I mentioned in my blog, sex is where we are most vulnerable. Our identity about sex is often established early with lifetime ramifications. Men try and compensate. They can be fantastic in all other areas of their lives but if they are insecure about their size, ejaculation control, or sexual prowess it can be all they think about.
“Regardless of how successful he is in business, in politics, in art, in science, if he fails in the bedroom, it is his total failure.“
– Dr. Krakovsky on Men’s psychological state towards their penis and sexuality.
Therapy for penis size includes disseminating lots of information. Trying to understand the statistics about actual size helps. I also preach the message to men that they are way more than their penis length (it works when discussing all aspects of body image). Other men can have PDD or penile dysmorphic disorder. They have an unrealistic and often very negative view of their genitals. In one study, psychologists showed anonymous pictures of the erections of men who suffer from PDD to random women. Impartial comments with no edits can help men bring their own view of themselves back into line with what is an accurate reflection. Visualization, sexual hypnosis, and support groups also help. I suggest including men with PDD in general sexuality workshops (keeping it hot, what’s new in sex). The workshops offer dialogue with real women talking about real sex (as opposed to pornography)
What’s upsetting is that so many men with real or perceived small penises will avoid dating or getting involved in a sexual relationship. And these are great guys. I see them all the time and they are so wounded. I hear the jokes “I am a bee with testicles” or “I’m a Ken doll”. In many cases, they are really average or just below average statistically. If they are not there are things we can do.
“No matter how good of a person I am, no matter how well I do in other aspects of my life I will always measure my worth with my sexual abilities and my sexual organ. To fail in this is to fail in all things regardless of their relevance to each other.”
– Quote from an anonymous client.
There are things that actually work to increase penis size. Some of the medical pumps are effective in increasing girth by up to an inch. And when it comes to sexual pleasure, I tell men that width is much more of a barometer than length is.
We can do concrete things to help. I’ve had anonymous “dick pics” of clients evaluated by groups of women with honesty and accuracy. It can help re-frame what’s real and what’s just watching too many overly-endowed porn stars. I had a group of women honestly answer what they want sexually. “I am a woman over 40. I don’t care what he does with his cock. I just want to know what he can do with his hands and his mouth”. I’ve had a number of petite women who much, much prefer a smaller penis for the fit.
In my opinion, penile surgery is not a great option for men other than those with a true micro penis. As one client said “I have looked into penile surgery before and tend to check into it every few years to see if any new breakthroughs have evolved. I am aware of the high risk (and cost) of these procedures and have opted out of them because of those risks.”
Many men measure themselves and their size in comparison to other men. I say that the locker room or urinal is not an accurate measure of male penis sizes. Neither is porn. Looking down on a penis gives you a distorted view and looking up at one makes it look substantially bigger. Not to mention, the penis is constantly changing based on the level of arousal from completely independent thoughts.
Book your appointment now
All services are offered either face-to-face or by phone/skype.
If you have concerns or questions, often one appointment to get the information you need can make a world of difference. Ease your mind. Book a session today – in person, by phone or by Skype. Rate is $125 for 60 minutes.
There is a growing movement of people who want to say “shove it to Valentine’s Day”. Singles have long felt left out of the sappy “let’s connect” roses and chocolate messages of the holiday. Now Anti Valentine’s parties are all the rage. These are parties decorated with dead roses. The have rules like: You must not bring any chocolate, wine or champagne to the party. Black things such as Guinness or a cake with black icing are preferred. Or heart shaped cupcakes with knives through them. Black is also the color theme for clothing. Anti V-Day songs like Roxette’s “It must have been love”, or “Love hurts” by Gram Parsons are the anthems. The Anti V-Day movement is to celebrate being single and loving it! Or to at least have friends around when you draw horns on your ex’s picture. It’s also about loving oneself, wherever you are in life.
So what can you do to feel powerful if you aren’t hooked up as part of a couple? Well you can get in the mood of the Anti V-Day celebrations by making your own voodoo doll for all the ex’s who need to be prodded with a sharp pin. Or you can go with the theme of many of these parties “Love stinks, so let’s drink”. But I’m advocating a more positive approach and coming up ways to announce your awesomeness to the world.
There are a few ideas to embrace your singleness. I do a vision board exercise with my Women’s Body Image and Sexuality Workshops that I run. Check out the Ducklings site for ongoing information. Powerful statements of self-love like “You love when you are ready, not because you are lonely” or “because good enough isn’t good enough for you” can become mantras.
Do some things you can’t do if you were in a relationship. I’m not advocating sleeping with the football team, but go crazy doing something unconventional that is hard to do when you are with somebody that makes demands on your time. Like take a spur-of-the-moment trip. Update your profile to single and loving it.
Make business cards and hand them out to cool people with your fun (and safe) email address on it. Start a gratitude journal. There are lots of things you can do to really embrace your life as it is right now. If you have enough like-minded friends have an Anti V-Day party. Get everyone to dress up as cupids gone very, very bad. Think naughty and armed angels as sexy as you want to be. Sounds like fun. And if you really want to be in a relationship then make a vow that 2015 is going to be your year. Be the interesting person that people want to get to know. Deal with some of that lingering baggage (therapy can help) and get rid of that “poor me, pity party stuff”. Life is too short to be needy.
So whatever your take is on Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to embrace it. Whether it’s couple love, group love (those polyamorous people shouldn’t be excluded) or self love then make the most of this February 14th. If you are struggling with singleness and want to finally do something about it then I can help. I’ve helped hundreds of people find love and I am no-nonsense, cut-to-the-chase when I do therapy for finding love. Reach out, I can help.
Although I am not a guy, I do have a fairly good understanding of the feelings of panic and despair when your penis doesn’t rise to the occasion. I’ve been speaking to men for 25 years about their genitals. I’ve had men in my office from 18 to 91 all of whom had challenges getting it up. Performance anxiety or physical reasons for erectile dysfunction (ED) can happen at any age, however, the good news is that there are a myriad of things you can try to get the plumbing back to normal. So what can you do beyond a little gold or blue pill? I finished my training as a sex therapist the year before Viagra was approved. I may be dating myself, but we were taught to use a whole range of suggestions and possible solutions for erection problems that don’t come with the headaches and flushed faces often associated with the use of today’s pharmaceuticals. I really do understand the stress that not being able to perform can cause. I have a number of solutions that your doctor may not have the time or knowledge to discuss with you and that you may not know about.
The top medical reasons for erectile dysfunctions are:
- Diabetes
- High blood pressure medication• High cholesterol• Excess smoking/drinking (especially controlled substances)
- Anti-depressants and other medications
- Prostate issues
- Hormonal imbalances (primarily low Testosterone)
Those are the most common physiological things that affect erections. As for emotional/psychological or relationship reasons, they include:
- Performance anxiety. That’s the physical reaction to being in a new situation or the stress of feeling that you aren’t pleasing your partner sexually. Premature Ejaculation can be a symptom of this.
- Too much porn or chronic masturbation
- Getting sexual needs met elsewhere. This includes nocturnal emissions (wet dreams) among other sexual releases.
- Overall stress. This can be anything from other people in the house, work pressures, not enough sleep, etc.
The need for newness. I believe that men are programmed for sexual newness. This doesn’t necessarily mean getting a new partner, but doing it the same way for years can really take the fun out of sex and impact erectile strength.
So what can you do to help yourself? Finding out the main cause is the first step. I have a list of questions that quickly weed through all of the unrelated stuff and get down to the root of what’s making you wilt. Sometimes it’s figuring out what’s making you stressed and doing a little mindfulness work to help brainstorm solutions.
I will troubleshoot solutions and give you a few things to try at home. I’ll then fine-tune a plan from the least to the most intrusive options. This is everything from supplements to touch exercises, self-talk, penile pumps, erection rings, shunts, and implants. Don’t be scared! When you have all the information you can make an informed decision about what’s best for you. I can work with your doctor and/or urologist to make sure you are getting fast, discreet, and VERY EFFECTIVE solutions for erectile dysfunction.
Don’t wait. Press the button below or send me an email for an appointment. I promise it won’t hurt.
Sue
What kind of counseling is best for me?
We live in a modern, open, and apparently liberated era of free expression. We need to wonder then, why sex remains on the list of taboo topics when it comes to honest, public discussion. Unfortunately, the carnal barriers put up by past generations continue to have a major impact on how we view sex, as well as its essential importance to individual health. Many of us continue to be uptight, inhibited and frustrated when it comes to our sexual lives. In my opinion, good counseling means focused, solution based, and performed with a treatment plan that has an end goal in sight. Yes, you can vent about what’s going on in your life, but it’s my job to help you get to the end goal.
Your seemingly unyielding limitations are precisely what I strive to knock down. Through individual or couples in-person, phone, or Skype sessions, we will trouble shoot, and problem solve to get to the root of your specific sex-related issue.
Sensitive topics can be broached easily, and with confidence that there will be no judging on personal preferences. These “forbidden” subjects include, but are not limited to:
– Premature Ejaculation
– Erectile Dysfunction
– Low Libido and Sex Drive
– Differing Sexual Appetites
– Absence of Sex Within a Marriage/Relationship
– Sexual Preferences and Practices
– Issues Regarding Sexual Orientation
– Sexual Fetish
– Infidelity
– Keeping it Hot/Lifestyle/Swinging
– Being better in bed
I’m located in a private setting with ample parking in the west end near the Ottawa River. You sit on the couch, we have a cup of tea and discuss what’s going on with you. My job is to make you feel welcome and relaxed. And then it’s up to us to come up with therapeutic goals and have a plan for solving the problem. This kind of therapy is not about lying on the couch and talking about where your mom went wrong.
I take confidentiality very seriously. The focus is the common goal of finding solutions that will allow you to live an emotionally and physically comfortable and satisfying life, both between the sheets and in the streets. Although there is no set prescription for how long therapy takes to complete (remember there is no one size fits all), the average number of appointments are between six and eight visits.
I use a Clinical talk therapy approach, along with a knowledge of reproductive medicine and bio-identical hormones. Other effective tools of treatment included Neuro-linguistic programming or NLP (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming) and sexual hypnosis.
Keep Your Intimacy Alive This Holiday Season
Holiday season is an amazing time for couples. This is a time where people want to be close. But this feel-good environment can often be overwhelmed by the stress of planning and cramming for family members dinners, buying, tons of gifts to wrap and insane routines to follow. Amid this commotion, it’s always healthy to create some passionate things you can do with your romantic partner. It’s also frantic and at least in our house I spend too much trying to stay off the Christmas fudge.
There are many methods to celebrate romance in the holiday season, and most of us like romance even though it is difficult to assume amidst the countless problems and challenges of life. Christmas is a lot more than just decorations and gifts, and no question, it about unleashing that forgotten internal child. So think play. Tobogganing, snowball fights, outdoor hot tubbing, and around here anyway, discovering how to get it on in an ice fishing hut. Really. Yes it’s about celebration, but it’s also about finding time to be naked and horizontal. Consequently above all else, it’s the mindset of special event that counts. It is important is to move from the routine and place our romantic thoughts in the festivity setting. So feel the love.
Once you set your mind for festivity let your imagination work free and think about what you can do with your lover to achieve that special moment. There are numerous activities that lovers can do based on their choices and why don’t we review some ideas:
Be considered a child again. Can you and your cherished one try some ice skating? And have sexnic (picnic and then sex) in bed or under the twinkling lights? Do you want to have a particular night in a resort even though it is likely in a city? What about an enchanting dinner in the home or in an accommodation with wine and chocolates? I sell guys regularly on the magic of chocolate dipped strawberries. It isn’t as expensive as it seems and undoubtedly is really special. Many resorts offer deals for couples this time of year and many of them are bargains. When all else fails look on Groupon and spend any Christmas money connecting with your sweetie.
Even more cute ideas are things such as romantic paper chains on your own Xmas tree. In a vibrant strip of paper, jot down the qualities you like about each other. Then glue each strip until it’ll create a long chain and also have it wrap around your tree.
Cuddle together and watch holiday special movies. I know they are schwarmy but I love acting out the Grinch with my partner. We always end up laughing with the Whos. Walk around the Christmas park together holding hands, so you can benefit from the view and one another. Finally, what is probably my favorite, hang lots of mistletoes all over your house! Make sure to kiss every time the two of you are under a mistletoe.
The festivities give ample amounts of creativity when it comes to keeping the intimacy alive during holiday seasons. Use the festivities to your advantage.
Sexual pain is nothing to dismiss. Sufferers often think they need to “suck it up”, or take one for the team. But the pain is real and often substantial. The term for chronic, painful intercourse is dyspareunia. Painful intercourse tends to be a woman’s issue and can have a serious impact on whether or not she wants to be intimate. I see men for sexual pain when the foreskin doesn’t retract when peyronies occur (a painful bend in the penis), or if they have yeast, inflammation, or untreated prostitis. It’s frustrating, upsetting, and painful. Why would you want to have sex with someone if it hurts you? And sex can really hurt. As a sex therapist, I treat a variety of sexual problems, but a client who is experiencing pain during sex needs to have this addressed before anything else can happen. I describe it as an aversion. If every time you go to do something it hurts, it doesn’t take long before you don’t want to do it anymore. That’s human nature. I once threw up on banana pudding. Now the thought of it makes me slightly nauseous. That’s an example of an aversion. With pain, you learn to be afraid of sex. I work with a number of pelvic physiotherapists and physicians to find out the cause and come up with a process to put back the pleasure.
- Common causes of painful intercourse include Vaginal irritation (things like reactions to condoms, excessive vaginal douching, and even soaps).
- Dryness. I think all women need lubrication depending on the time of month and the time of their lives. Menopause, nursing, and feeling nervous can all cause a decrease in arousal. I love the silicone Swiss Navy lubricant (read my blog about vaginas) for day-to-day use.
- Vaginal tightness. I have seen women who had sex for the first time and have issues with an incomplete or extra-tight hymen. Vaginismus is the catch-all phrase for women who have deep vaginal pain. It is often caused by a painful spasm of the vaginal muscle. Training to do what I call “anti-keegals” helps, as does learning to identify which muscles are contracting. Pelvic physiotherapists are a great resource for vaginismus.
- Clitoral sensitivity can be a common cause of pain. Lubricant helps, but so does extra bathing and gentle retraction of the clitoral hood. Women are often surprised at how easily vaginal secretions can build up below the clitoral hood.
- Pelvic pain can be caused by deep thrusting penetration. Hip dysplasia stretched ligaments that support the uterus, scar tissue from surgeries and childbirth, vaginal or cervical infections including pelvic inflammatory disease, endometriosis, ovarian cysts, and uterine fibroids can also be the culprits of serious discomfort.
- Finally, vulvodynia is a painful and often hard-to-diagnose chronic condition that causes a burning and/or stinging sensation of the vulva and vagina. It is sometimes the phrase doctors use if they aren’t sure why you actually feel pain.
- Pain should not be a part of your sex life and you should NOT put up with it. My approach to dealing with pain is to work with you, provide a ton of information, and finally figure out what’s going on with your squishy parts. I work with doctors, gynecologists, physiotherapists, and other partners to find the right fix to get you back to intimacy.
Pain, like many sexual problems rarely goes away on its own. Call or email me NOW. We can fix it together. It may be covered under your health plan and your sex life can recover. I partner with many pelvic physiotherapists, physicians, and other specialists. We can fix this. Let’s book a one-hour session for $125 plus HST or $140 or a 30-minute session for $75. Schedule it now. I’m looking forward to helping. Sue.
You may have read the study. It was big new earlier this year when a book came out (Triumphs of Experience) that followed the lives of 268 Harvard undergrads for 75 years throughout their lifetime to discover what made men tick. There has never been a study that has gone on longer in the history of studies. The survey asked the question of these bright, educated men (beginning in 1938) to find out what where the barriers and accelerators to happiness were.
There are lots of things that surface in a study this long and this broad. One of the key findings touched on the devastating affect of alcoholism. Another big insight outlined the truth that “the hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world.” Meaning that men who had a strong, supportive relationship with their mothers had the best leg up in life. There was also a significant correlation between the warmth of your relationships and your health and happiness in your later years. Meaning that happily married men made more money and were overall happier. They were also more likely to end up at the top of their respected careers. Yet another reason to marry well.
But what’s interesting for this blog is that the men who had liberal or left leaning views about sex had sex more often, thought the sex they had was better, and stayed sexually active in their 80’s. Conservative men tended to stop having sex in their 60’s. The authors of the study said that they consulted urologists, but that they didn’t have an explanation.
I think that maybe they should have spoke to some sex therapists about their thoughts.
In my experience, men who are more open minded to social values tend to be willing to explore what I describe as “the color outside of the lines sex”. This doesn’t mean that Liberals/Democrats are swingers, but it does mean that they have a more egalitarian, let’s-try-this-at-home view of sexual activity. Maybe its the fact that politically left-leaning men are less likely to have the Christian views of sexuality. No matter what the reason, following a Liberal/Democratic political view means that you have sex longer. Just something to consider when it comes to election time.