So I’ve decided I’m going to get my pubes zapped.  After decades of shaving (years of those little red bumps), ingrown hairs in hard-to-reach-spots, screaming as the hot waxed is ripped from stem to stern, melting the hair with noxious chemicals in the creams that can eat through bathroom tile, and the “stripper sugaring” where you have to be a contorsist to get the popscicle stick down and under where it needs to be.
The beauty salon in my neighbourhood spent the hundred grand and bought a laser machine that magically removes hair, along with any age and/or wrinkles. I think I’m one giant freckle down there, but after two kids and not-so-elastic skin, my strechmarks could be superimposed on any map of Ontario. I keep telling myself that I am more than my numbers…..
Anyway for a mere $150 I can be smooth as a baby’s bum on my bum and private parts. The choices are the mohawk or stipper cut where all you get is a little racing stripe, a heart shaped, natural motif of the whole enchilata gone called the brazilian.  I have a girlfriend that says her sweetie spends way, way more time visiting her deforested flower since she was zapped. Food for thought, and motivation if I’ve ever heard it.
The only thing I’m worried about is the pain.  Considering that I don’t even have my ears pierced, I’m that much of a wimp, the laser really can zap my most sensitive neither regions…. I’ll keep you posted.Brazilian
 
 
 

Men6  Sex and aging, some cool new information on how to keep boffing until they take you away in a box….

I was reading another fabuluous book call Sexual Nutrition, by Dr. Morton Walker, the prolific naturopath.  Anyway,  he did this research project where he went down to the Andes to southern Equador where he studied the Vilcabambans, a group of over 20 centurians (happy, alert people, well into their hundreds) in a population of less than 4000.  Considering that there are only 117 people in the US in a population of 230 million that lived to be over 100, they had to be doing something right. These old folks were regularly having sex (regularly with people 60-80 years younger) ….I wonder if there is a law about that???  They eve took healthy, active sperm from a man 131 years old!

He discovered that through hair, soil and health analysis, that it was primarily the mineral water they were drinking (spring fed volcanic rock) that kept their pipes clean and kept them vital, vigorous, and with all their faculties into very old age.  Mineral water acts like a pipe cleaner, called chelators.  The primary minerals are solenium, magnesium,  maganese, zinc, chromium, calcium, sodium, potassium, molydenum, vanadium, and lithium.

So, the moral of the story is, drink mineral water, lead a healthy lifestyle, and who knows, maybe you can still be getting it up at 131 years old.

I was reading this summer chick lit book at the cottage while my kids ran aound bugging each other.  It was called The Accidental Virgin by Valerie Frankel pink romance novel given to my by my almost sister in law.  Cute story, made me laugh in a few places, and she gets one of the guys in the end. Accidental_virgin

Anyway, the premise is this woman has been almost a year without sex. If she goes the full year, you become this born-again virgin.  The book is her story to get laid and thwart this title. You can tell it’s fiction because all an attractive woman has to do to get laid is make eye contact to any guy at a bar, but that’s a blog for another day.

"the new trand is to stop having sex with men. Go a full year without sex, and you become a (theoretical) virgin again. Your sins are washed away clean.  Three hundred and sixty-five days of unswept ashes, and it will be like you didn’t screw the entire football team in high school.  You’re as fresh and innocent as a week-old kitten. "Sex is a distraction and a nuisance.  Without it I can get my work done, and have energy left over to knit mohair sweaters…"

What do you think?  It doesn’t recreate your hymen so are you a new virgin after a year? I know there are lots of women who can’t be bothered to have sex, but I don’t think its for the goal of recreating something in the past (in my case, the long past).  I love the story of losing my virginity, and God knows I couldn’t give up sex for a year.  Anyway, I thought it was an interesting idea.  Let me know what you think….

Semen The problem of sex and gravity.

No, I don’t mean the difficulty in hanging upseide down from the chandeliere during sex.  I mean the running-down-the-inside-of-your thigh-mess after sex.

Most women understand thatwhat I’m talking about. The phenomenon, when after sex, you have to run to the bathroom to get a towl to hold between your legs so you won’t gush…

The loving spoonful he’s just deposited, starts to liquifies once it has a few minutes in the warmth of the vagina, and then starts it’s downward ooze. Some women claim that if you get to the bathroom fast enough, you can deposit it as the quarter size dollup into the toilet.  This is why you need to have a bath, washcloth or better yet, a bidet to clean up after sex.  Otherwise you start smelling like a used condom that has been forgotten in the wastepaper basket…ick. Sperm

I’ve had a question recently, from a bunch of patients who noticed that their semen wasn’t as robust as usual.  Semen can change with diet, age, prostate problems, medication etc.  Given the mess it cause, a little less of a good thing might just be a great thing.

Apparently some uber-right wing republicans in the US are trying to pass through legislation to ban gays, lesbians and single women from getting artificial insemination.  The thinking is that unless you are married, and heterosexual, you aren’t allowed to use the sperm banks. You can be drunk, homeless and have a love of sheep to make a sperm donation, but withdrawls are going to be closely monitored by the religious right.

So in the spirit of Martha stewart, try this at home folks, I’m going to offer advice on how to do this by yourself and save the money. 

Here’s how to have a let’s get pregnant party:

About the time you should be ovulating (15 days before the start of your next period is optimum).  Invite a bunch of your freinds over, and make sure to have a supply of cool erotica and a few dirty pictures, a bunch of clean glasses, beer, and a average turkey baster.  With Easter close at hand they may even be on sale.  Have as many male friends that you are sure are clean of sexually transmitted diseases take turns in the bathroom (with or without the porn) producing samples.  Shake it all together so you aren’t sure who’s your daddy (thus preventing any hassles with legalities), and using the turkey baster insert the semen mixture into your vagina and squirt.  Stay lying down for a half hour, and wait until your breasts start getting sore and you miss your next period.Turkey_baster

That’s it. You don’t have to worry about some senator even being concerned about imposing their laws on your body.  I mean this a little tongue in cheek, but it actually works, and can get you pregnant in no time.  Good luck and please send me the birth announcement.

Stripper Porn is hotter than usual these days.  With the new book by the vivid girls on how to be a XXX movie star, porn seems to be the new mainstream, with references popping up in everything from the grammy’s to Calvin Klein ads.  An industry under flux, porn is going through a transformation from the cheesy Dirk Diggler types portrayed in Boogie Nights, to grudging respectability as only a billion dollars can do. Have you tried one of the sensual dancing classes on how to strip for your partner?  Well I thought I would give it a whirl, and find out what all the buzz was about.  I’ll keep you posted…  I’ve interviewed Mary Taylor author of bedroom gamesmary’s teach you to dance site – she’s an ex stripper with 20 years experience who speaks on keeping it hot, and has written the book on embracing your inner stripper. Spanking

What I try to teach women is to find out where they are on the continuum from prudish to harlot finding a way to spice things up, while being authentic to their own sexuality.  It’s trying to find the line in the sand between the whore in the bedroom, Mom in the livingroom, and Wonderwoman everywhere else. I’m trying to be a spin mama making friends with your dust bunnies, and with keeping it hot being the thing I speak to women’s groups all over the continent about, it’s obviously something more than just me struggles with.

I just want to cast my vote to say that I think there may be nothing sexier than ordinary guys learning to strip. Just for the record, it’s what I want for my 40th birthday. The Full Monty sexy british movie that made me laugh and made me hot , and if I learn to dance anywhere near as well as those guys, I’ll consider my strip classes a huge success.More_male_strippers

NotgrabbingI get a bunch of e-mails from women who are so worried about what they look like naked. As a fellow woman with hips, I know how concerning it is to get naked in front of someone new for the first time.  Men, look, but most aren’t expecting porn star bodies, and just want enthusiasm in the bedroom.
Guys, it seems, are fretting about the size of their equipment.  Actual, penis size is one of the top three questions I get from men. (premature ejaculation/sexual anxiety, and erections round it out).  And I tell them that average is better!!!! Too big, and you’re banging away at the back of her vagina, causing her ovaries to get jostled, and feeling like you’re getting stabbed, as he thrusts to what feels like the back of your throat.  I have way more patients come to see me with problems of being too big, rather than too small.  Just for the record, average is about 4-5 inches.  You can look hot and please your partner if you’re only packing a 3 inch dick. It’s much more important what it feels like in girth (width) than length.  We can handle  delivering a baby with a head the  size of a cantaloupe, but can only handle a maximum of 5 -6 inches in our little caves. For men struggling with small penis syndrome I have a whole section on this topic and have counseled hundreds of men in my career about their small penis size. I can help with a skype/facetime appointment if you want to reach out.
I’ll give you the dirt on increasing your size, and finding out  what men  really want from thier partners in tomorrow’s blog.  Oh, here is my podcast  on penis size for your listening pleasure.Download sex_with_sue_minute_orgasms.mp3