I tell my patients that I read body language for a living. As a shrink when you are in the listening business, bodies are often much more important sources of information than words. In a world of language, texting and almost non-stop communication why should you pay attention to body language?
A new study this week offers up some insights.
“We still use body language because that’s the way our brains worked (eons) years ago when we first became human,” King said. “That brain is still ticking away; all research based on evolutionary psychology demonstrates that we are living in the 21st century with that same ancestral brain. This is what is called hard wiring. We still have the same bodily workshop. We just do different stuff in that workshop.”
“Body language is not an either-or situation,” adds Dennis Kravetz, a Scottsdale-Ariz.-based psychologist who specializes in male-female communication and body language. “If speech is more sophisticated than body language, then why haven’t chimps, dogs, and other animals developed speech as part of their evolutionary history? Rather, body language enhances communication.”
Here are some suggestions for enhancing your body language for maximum impact. As I’m in the “getting laid and finding love” arena, I know that an understanding of what your body is saying to others makes a monstrous impact in having others respond in a romantic way.
1. Remember first impressions are still key. Smile, hand out, well groomed and open gets you noticed.
2. Practice your posture. I once took a presentation course that had us look at ourselves on video. The presenters that were straight and looked right at the camera were the ones that passed the course. Just saying…
3. Pretending to be confident (even when you are feeling tentative) can actually increase your hormone level. Research at Harvard and Columbia Business Schools shows that simply holding your body in expansive, “high-power” poses (leaning back with hands behind the head and feet up on a desk, or standing with legs and arms stretched wide open) for as little as two minutes stimulates higher levels of testosterone — the hormone linked to power and dominance — and lower levels of cortisol, a stress hormone.
4. Look like your listening. Practice active listening skills. Nod, eye contact (right out of Make friends and Influence people), and immediately shake hands. Bill Clinton spoke of his practicing connecting with people as early as grade 7. It’s how you build legendary charm.
5. Watch your feet. Hands and facial reactions may be guarded but feet can be unrehearsed. Under stress, people will often display nervousness and anxiety through increased foot movements. Feet will fidget, shuffle and wind around each other or around the furniture. Feet will stretch and curl to relieve tension, or even kick out in a miniaturized attempt to run away.
New study suggests that men with erection problems can be improved with a 5% weight loss
Erection problems can be improved if you do some work and minimize the obvious causes.
The seven leading causes of erectile dysfunction are:
1. Diabetes
2. High blood pressure mediation
3. Anti depressants
4. High cholesterol
5. Smoking and Drinking
6. Prostate problems
7. Hormonal imbalances
There is a new study just out this week that talks about how losing just 5% of your body weight will improve your erection in 8 weeks.
“The Journal of Sexual Medicine published a new study which explains that improved erectile function, sexual desire and lower urinary tract symptoms are enhanced by weight loss in obese men with type 2 diabetes.” I suggest cutting your carb intake by 60%. You can also use an erection ring, and start doing keegal exercises (where you hold the muscle in that starts and stops the flow of urine)
The study goes on to say:
” “This important paper supports earlier publications that lifestyle is relevant and can positively affect sexual function.
At a time when oral drugs are very popular, it can now be shown that weight loss is an important non-pharmacologic therapeutic intervention in restoring erectile and urinary function and cardio-vascular health. Obesity is an epidemic, and such data reinforce the positive relationship between eating right, losing weight, improved sexual function and voiding and overall cardiovascular health.”
And boy I understand how hard it is to lose weight. I topped out once in my life at 380 pounds. I lost over half my body weight but watch it every day. Consider coming to one of my body image workshops. I also do skype and phone therapy and I use sex as a big motivating factor to help people reach their personal goals for sex and relationships. There is nothing I hate more than diet advice by Supermodels. If you love sex, but need to lose some weight to be a rock star in bed then consider reaching out.
There is another study that suggests if you take care of yourself you’ll get laid more.
Duh you say?
Well the new Danish research (home of oodles of hunky blonde guys) say that if we don’t make losing weight and eating right a priority, we’ll miss out on 91%(or 78% s you’re a guy) of the sex we could have had.
It ties in with our discussion on weight loss and being healthy.
The challenge for women is that if you aren’t taking care of yourself you don’t feel like having sex.
Here’s the data:
Danish researchers surveyed more than 5,500 adult men and women, and found that unhealthy habits increase the chance of not having sex by up to 78 percent in men and 91 percent in women.
Among the men in the survey who had sexual partners, those with a large waistline had a 71 percent increase in the risk of sexual dysfunction. Hard drug users had an 800 percent increase in risk. For women, those who smoked hashish had three times the risk of losing the ability to climax during sex.
“Knowing about possible negative consequences of an unhealthy lifestyle to one”s sexual health may help people quit smoking, consume less alcohol, exercise more and lose weight,” added Frisch.
And boy I understand how hard it is to lose weight. I topped out once in my life at 380 pounds. I lost over half my body weight but watch it every day. Consider coming to one of my body image workshops. I also do skype and phone therapy and I use sex as a big motivating factor to help people reach their personal goals for sex and relationships. There is nothing I hate more than diet advice by Supermodels. If you love sex, but need to lose some weight to be a rock star in bed then consider reaching out.
I regularly talk about how sex is soooo physically good for your body. Forget ho good it feels, or how good it is for your relationship, sex is essential for a healthy lifestyle. My friend Dr. Amen says “that is your partner is denying you sex, they should be charged with attempted murder”.
I’ve waxed poetic about the importance of a healthy sex life for a quality life. Go figure, I’m a sex therapist and I think having sex is vital. However, I have every study done in the last 20 years that support this statement. I you aren’t having sex, it has the health impact of being obese or smoking a pack of cigarettes a day.
Now there is even more reason to boff.
“The fountain of youth can be found between the sheets,” said Dr. Anderson, who, along with the Gamans, runs Executive Medicine of Texas in the Dallas-Fort Worth area. “Frequent intercourse causes the brain to release human growth hormone, which helps maintain youth.”
Dr. Gaman points out that “middle-aged men who have sex five times a week can lower the risk for prostate cancer by 33 percent, compared to those that have sex only five times a month.”
Judy Gaman adds another startling fact: “Vigorous sex three times a week for a year is the equivalent caloric burn as walking 75 miles.”
So it also keeps you fit. The endorphins help boost your immunity. And helps lower your weight. So what are you waiting for? It’s time to get naked.

G-Spot orgasm
The G-spot is defined as a cluster of nerve endings deep in the vaginal wall, the G-spot when stimulated, can produce an incredibly intense type of orgasm.
The world of sex research has been a buzz about this new discovery, since the G-spot was first described by Beverley Whipple at the annual convention of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality in 1980. Many women claim that reaching a G-spot orgasm has been the high point of their sexual lives.
Women who have not experienced the type of vaginal orgasmic response a G-spot orgasm produces often feel frustrated and left out, that they are somehow missing out on a secret so special that they must be doing something wrong. I have had many women speak to me of the intense Richter scale orgasms associated with G-spot stimulation. Other women who have never heard of the G-spot and the intense orgasms it produces feel ashamed or scared when they start “gushing” and get really aroused from vaginal stimulation.
I first became interested in discussing the G-spot and disseminating information about it when I spoke to a woman who had experienced these intense orgasms and who thought something was seriously wrong with her. She had been to her doctor discussing the volumes of fluid gushing out of her, living in fear of a life threatening illness or physical deformity associated with these sensations and fluid expulsion. The later part of Quivering Jello: How to Have Mind-Blowing, Toe Curling Orgams has stories from real-life people who have had these kinds of orgasms and suggestions for how you can reach one too.
Unfortunately, many physicians are unaware of the recent developments in G-spot research and are unable to alleviate the fears and concerns of their patients who experience this kind of sexual stimulation. In fact, some well-intentioned but seriously uninformed doctors have even encouraged women to have surgery to correct this “problem”. Producing fluid and having a mind-blowing orgasm from your vagina is not weird, or abnormal. It’s healthy, sexy and something every woman should have the right to experience without shame.
These women thought that they were urinating, that they were incontinent. Other women have been told by their doctors to just stop having orgasms and that would stop the fluid from coming out! Obviously, these doctors weren’t doing their own hands on sexual research to find out how amazing a G-Spot orgasm can be.
As a sex therapist, and (for more than ten years) the host of a call-in radio talk show about sexuality, I hear all kinds of questions and problems from women and their partners about how to reach the elusive G Spot orgasm. The material collected for this book has been the result of conversations with thousands of people as a therapist and a radio host, who tried new and unique things in the bedroom. There is a collection of letters further on in this book that offer real-life suggestions and strategies couples have tried in enhancing their lovemaking.
Have you signed up for the FREE full coaching at www.sexwithsue.com yet?
This nerve center deep in the front wall of the vagina is about an inch and a half in, underneath the bladder. Don’t despair initially if you poke around and do not feel anything. One listener described the amount of pressure needed, as having to press hard enough to “pick his wife up with his fingers.” Very long fingers would then be needed to determine the position of the G-spot when lying on the back.
Many women I’ve spoken to find it easier to reach the G-spot if they “bare down” or push out with their genital muscles. Initially, the G-spot feels like a tender spot, and when the g-spot is continually stimulated then it feels like “you need to pee badly” (Carrie 27, listener) The G-spot is located just underneath the bladder, and this is a normal feeling that goes away in a moment if stimulation continues.
The key is that if you can push through this part, and keep on continuing after short pauses, the waves of orgasm start building in intensity.
Some, but not all women if the stimulation builds (especially if there has been a recent clitoral orgasm), or if the re is clitoral stimulation at the same time. My client Jennifer says it feels best if her partner makes a motion with her finger like a “come here” signal, that with enough pressure can bring her to a G-spot orgasm.
The Exact Spot
Let’s be really clear exactly where the G-spot is. It’s located roughly in the middle of the front wall of the vagina. One way to find the location of the spot is to pretend there is a clock in the vagina. If twelve o’clock is pointing to the navel, it is also indicating the position of the G-spot. The sensitive part of the spot is not exactly easy to find, being embedded deep in the vagina wall. So unlike the clitoris, this deep-seated cluster of nerve endings is not as obvious and as easy to find.
One listener suggested that if you could reach underneath the clitoris, from the inside that is where her G-spot would likely be situated.
If the G-spot is stimulated sufficiently, and the intensity is there, many women can have multiple orgasms one after the other. I had one women listener who wrote me saying she could see “colors exploding behind her closed eyes”, when she was having this kind of stimulation.
It was great to see you at Sexapalooza, and I look forward to sending you more free stuff!
Ten Tips

G-Spot orgasm
If the whole vulva was a clock, then the clitoris would be at 12:00. The G-spot would then between 11:00 and 1:00. Realize that this is deep stimulation near the back of the vagina, and on the actual spot – say half-way up the front wall.
Go into the vagina, feel under the curve of the pubic bone, then right after the bulge of the bone, directly under the “clock” or straight under the clitoris, along the ridge of the bone should be where the G-spot nerve endings start.
While offering clitoral stimulation (a mouth works best) use a hard “come here movement” at the spot. Stop if it gets too intense or if your hand gets tired but resume the stimulation. You can cheat by using a G-Spot vibrator that looks like a “J” to do some of the work inside. Don’t be afraid to use fairly firm pressure.
Try having your partner (if she’s not in a daze of Quivering Jello by now), press down on her lower abdomen. You are trying to get to deep seated nerve endings and pressing down helps.
Some women claim crunching their abdominal muscles – almost like doing a sit-up helps. Others find it easier, on their stomache with genitals in the air and having their partner going in from behind- pressing down works well.
Tickle gently the opening of the urethra. This is the tiny hole she “pees” out of just above her vagina. If she’s going to ejaculate – this is where it comes from.
If you can get a couple of fingers inside her vagina, try that –especially as your knuckles massage back and forth almost like the Queen “waving”.
A fuller bladder helps increase the sensation – so make sure you have lots of towels if she has one of those orgasms where she sees stars and releases lots of vaginal fluid. Intense stimulation on her clitoris (try a small clit vibrator) while working the G-spot spot seems to work well.
If it gets too intense, stop and start the stimulation. Most women need a number 30 second breaks or so on their way to orgasm. If it gets too crazy, stop for a moment before resuming the stimulation. You can handle more and more intensity as it builds towards a crushing orgasm.
Finally, it may take you a few weeks of trying this to finally get it. Stay with it, the work is fun and the payoff enormous. The female body can do amazing things- experiment with different kinds of stimulation, and soon G will be your favorite letter in the alphabet!!
I had a question about the difference between vasectomy and a tubal ligation on this week’s Love and Lipstick show (Sundays and Monday’s on EZ Rock). Every woman I know has had the Oh-My-God worry when their period was late unexpectedly. And when you already have kids (and have just gone through the craziness of March Break and the thought of more is terrifying) you may be thinking that the current birth control methods may not be cutting the mustard.
When you are looking to eliminate the worry of contraception permanently (get yourself fixed) you have three options:
Tubal (AKA getting your tubes tied)
Vasectomy
Essure
No matter what you choose, you have to assume that the decision is permanent. If you try to get either vasectomy or tubal revered the results are iffy at best, very painful and cost $5000 to $10,000.
Ask yourself the questions of:
1.Are you absolutely sure?
2. Is there other forms of birth control that might work for you?
3. Is this decision mutual?
Many doctors won’t do the procedure if you are under 35, but if you are adamant that this is what you want then find the local specialist in your area. In Ottawa Dr. Ron Weiss has done thousands of non-scapel snips and teaches the procedure. I would always recommend a specialist for your boys.
Here’s what happens in a “no-scalpel” vasectomy, done usually in a doctor’s office or clinic.
A tool called a hemostat punctures a small hole in the scrotum. The vas defrens (the tubes bringing sperm up and out) are teased out and then clipped, blocked or cauterized. In traditional vasectomy a scalpel cuts the scrotum and the same thing is done to the wayward tubes. I am told that a day off, no lifting for 2 weeks, and the medicinal combination of Jack Daniels and a bag of frozen peas on your nuts keeps the swelling down. I am told some of the worse part of the procedure is the shaving the doctor does before he/she starts. Oh, and you can resume crazy sex after 2 weeks but your plumbing needs 15 ejaculations to clear the tube. As a sex therapist some of the downsides I see after a vasectomy is a lowering of libido. The literature is inconclusive, but I see a correlation. So if you are the less horny one in your relationship, you might want to ponder the option more closely.
The tubal is a little more complicated. I had one done 10 years and 150 heavier and my doctor said it was far more difficult on heavier women. However I knew I didn’t want any more children and believe it’s easier to stop one egg a month than 100 million sperm a day. Either the doctor goes through your belly button (In my case though the pelvic wall) and pumps your abdomen full of gas so that your tubes are exposed. A numbing spray on the tubes helps with the after pain (which was significant). The tubes are them cauterized or blocked. I am still very happy with my decision.
Finally, the new procedure called Essure is where two, tiny spring-like coils are inserted into the fallopian tubes through the vagina. With only a day recovery period and no post surgery complications to think about it’s a good option. After 3 months a follow up appointment happens to make sure the coils are in the right place.
Given that there are no perfect methods of birth control, sterilization is as fool-proof as it gets. With an almost non-existent failure rate it’s so much sexier not to be dealing with the hassles of birth control. Smile.
I sell the Caya diaphragm in my office for a reduced rate. I have no idea why physicians don’t even mention the diaphragm as an option. I think they are great. Contact me if you want to talk about it.
Questions for the battle of the sexes
Male Questions:
1. Which of the is the most common method of birth control in Canada
A) the pill
B) the condom
C) sterilization otherwise known as the snip
2. What is the #1 most common female sexual problem
A) Low sex drive, or “not this month honey I’ve got a headache
B) Difficulty reaching orgasm or “are you done yet?”
C) Sexual pain or get that thing away from me!
3. According the Durex Sex Survey a majority of Canadian women prefered making love in
A) The shower
B) The bed
C) The great outdoors
Female Questions:
1. What is the average penis size in Canada , is it
A) 5 inches
B) 6 inches
C) 7 inches
2. What is the most common male sexual problem is it:
A) erection problems or where’s the Viagra?
B) Premature ejaculation otherwise known as the 1 minute man
C) Or moody hormonal imbalances
3. According to the Durex Sex Survey, most Canadian men make love
A) between 7 and 8 AM
B) between 10:30 and 11 PM
C) Saturday night after 8 PM between periods of hockey night in Canada
Wondering about butt implants. Have you been following this? Apparently Sophie Turner, an Autralian model/lawyer wants the title of the world's best booty. She claims that Kim Kardashian (this year's Paris Hilton – famous for being famous) has butt implants. Who knew you could do that? Can I get one? (kidding…) Check her out to see if she's fake… http://news.gather.com/viewArticle.action?articleId=281474978219794
www.sexwithsue.com, www.solveprematureejaculation.net, www.schoolofsquirting.com, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chloe_Does_Yale, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pubic_hair
Body hair can be a rather sticky subject. Or so I found out when I bought this “do-it-at-home” wax kit from Walmart. I’m a razor girl as a rule. I shave my legs daily, keep the pitts clear of fuzz, and try to keep the bush from migrating down towards my knees. I use a top of the line razor, use baby powder to reach really low without cutting myself, and soap on the rest of me. It’s part of my morning bathing ritual and I thought an acceptable solution to the age old hair removal problem. Until a random comment about “pickyness” had me re-thinking the whole thing. I had tried the creams before and they gave me those little red bumps, and my experience waxing previously had been something akin to the 40 year old virgin scene. Given that I really am a natural blonde, the hair is finer and less visable than my brunette girlfriends. They spend an outrageous amount of money getting lasored and waxed monthly (some have trouble walking for a week afterwards), but are left coiffed and smooth as possible. Blondes can’t be lasored as the lasor can’t “see’ the hair in order to zap it. I have heard that poor estheticians have to deal with “spiders” or the creepy pubes of unkept patrons, that make the inside of the thighs look like party favours, and I didn’t want to deal with the kind of regularity that was necessary to have me not lumped into that category. For me it now seems that razor stubble has me crossing into that new domain into hair removal solutions. Do I shave more often? pluck? Go back to the expensive and time consuming estitcians, or try and assume that hair removal is one of the biggest hassles in being a women and ask for a little understanding?
Previously my rule of thumb had been akin to my friend Chloe in the book Chloe Does Yale, by Natalie Krinsky.
“The general consensus among both male and females was that body hair is not about style or panache, but rather hygiene, and thus the rule of thumb is keep it organized. Pubic hair is like a Filofax. It’s no good when little pieces of paper are sticking out of your Filofax; it makes it difficult to fit into your purse. Same goes for pubic hair. Capiche?”
Which brings you to my current situation. Trying to use a tongue depressor to apply a rapidly hardening green wax to my less than firm inner thighs in anticipation of ripping pain. I managed to make a mess of the whole thing, and after a few serious yelps, and tears of physical anguish running down my face, I ma forced to spend 15 minutes trying to scrape the leftover wax from migrating up my cervix. I obviously need to leave this process to the professionals. Or contemplate going back to my trusty razor. I’ll keep you posted.
ps. We have a Duckling event coming up soon called “spring gardening” where we bring in the manscapers, the straight razor experts and the new lawn care shavers to talk about pubic hair. Come join us?
www.sexwithsue.com, www.solveprematureejaculation.net, www.schoolofsquirting.com
There is a reality that happens as a woman leaves her thirties and is a size C and only wears a bra under duress. I am constantly finding bras on the floor of my car. That’s when the nipples start pointing towards the southern hemisphere (or in my case south west and south east) instead of north. The traverse down seems to be inevitable. Given that I had 18 months of pregnancy, over five years of nursing, and lots of times that I didn’t wear the sports bra when I probably should… I am starting to feel definitely saggy. They are not quite the tube sock shape that I fear, but like many of my friends, we are just not the same anymore. The public opinion is that you should have breasts perky enough to drop a pencil when standing up. I could keep a pencil case under mine, even with my arms waving over my head. I heard of a woman at a nudist camp that successfully won the bet that she could hold a volleyball under there. I have an aunt that says “God gave women over 40 saggy boobs, because he knew that busy women needed an extra pair of hands”. She says it’s a great place to store toilet paper when squatting to pee in the woods.
There is always the lift and tuck (apparently it’s called a crescent cut- see the video http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6280094575831813414) but I am remiss to go under the knife. We were recently in Mexico and playing a popular game over a pina colada of “are they real or not?” One women who had a fabulous rack and great surgery where her augmentation went through her belly button, offered up a chance to feel her saline sacks. We of course took her up on it. Even without scars, they didn’t feel anywhere near right. Now I understand that a lift and size increase are two separate things, but given that I have a tummy scar that scared small children in locker rooms now, I don’t want to look like the monster in the new igor movie (with my sweetie John Cusak) or Gilda Radner in Young Frankenstein.
So for the moment anyway (or until I become independently wealthy and so much more vain) I live with the girls hanging close to my belly button when swaying in the breeze. So think about the advantages the next time you see a rack that has lost some of its elasticity. And we won’t snicker about the testicles you have hanging to your knees.
Related sites: www.sexwithsue.com, www.solveprematureejaculation.net, www.schoolofsquirting.com, http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2003/nov/08/gender.weekend7
I have a new patient who I think is more typical than most women have any idea about. He’s a sweet guy, early 30’s, married, kids, and who’s wife caught him looking at internet porn and masturbating. Gasp! She was mortified, and made him feel humiliated and shameful. She thinks he’s a sex addict, and banished all porn and the internet from home, and severely limited the sex they had. I thought it was one of the cruelest things I heard about in awhile. Many of the women I polled, or read about in chat rooms on the subject think that men looking at porn is degrading, repugnant and is a symptom of something wrong in their relationship and is a reflection on their own sex lives. I see daily porn with erotic stimulation as medically necessary and a normal part of men’s sexuality. My partner describes the difference between sex and masturbation as “gourmet food or water” you need both to live, and they feel completely different. When I explain about the build up of fluid in the seminal vesicles, and the need to keep the pipes clean, most women look at me blankly. They simply don’t get how horny most guys are, and how they absolutely need visual stimulation to help them reach orgasm. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love, respect, or have hot sex with the women in their lives – but they NEED the release. As a rule, I think men are loyal, and try to be good partners. As a mother of a ten year old boy, I want my son to grow up knowing his body belongs to him, and that there are social conventions (no masturbating in public, or talking about it in front of his grandmother), but I cringe at the thought of his innate sexuality being reamed out because a partner defines their’s differently.
I think my patient may explode sometime soon. Without a release, I believe that any healthy adult man will find another outlet to get relief. I’ve said it before, if you think someone isn’t getting any – you are probably wrong. And somebody is buying some of the the five billion dollars the adult industry produces each year.
Related links: www.sexwithsue.com, www.funnymommy.com, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angelina_Jolie, www.solveprematureejaculation.net, www.people.com/people/angelina_jolie
I heard a story about a woman who was having a boob job from the book the breastfeeding diaries by Kate Davies. I can’t verify if this is true, but it made me think, and I thought it was hilarious. I know that getting a breast enhancement isn’t a unique event given the amount of silicone you see bobbing around, and this story is an important safety tip if you are thinking about doing more than one procedure at the same time. And while I’m on the subject of silicone breasts, can someone tell me why do fake boobs sound different? If you’ve been in enough hot tubs or locker rooms as I have, you see some great augmentations, and some seriously hacked up tits. But surgically altered boobs make a different sound when jostled, and never seem to hang the way that other breasts that haven’t gone under the knife seem to do.
Anyway, the story I heard was that this woman decided to use some of the fat from her boob job to be inserted into her lips, so she could have the fuller, poutier Angelina-like mouth. A few years later, this woman got pregnant, and the cellular memory from her breast tissue became engorged and puffed up her already puffy lips to the point of ridicule. The oxytocin – one of the pregnancy hormones that affects breast tissue, impacted that tissue, even if it moved a little further north. The moral of the story is to take the fat from your belly or ass if injecting it into your lips. I’m looking to find the science of this, but either way the possibilities amused me.