How to Work With a Man With a Small Penis

“My Husband Has a Small Penis”

A few days ago, I received this email;

“Dear Sue. I’m married to a lovely man. He’s hard working, tender, kind and great with the kids. There’s just one problem. He has a tiny penis and it just doesn’t satisfy me. I feel horrible even admitting it.

“He can get erections and he doesn’t have any problems keeping it up. But when we have sex, I can barely feel it. I’ve been faking orgasms for as long as I can remember and I’m just not sure I can live like this for the rest of my life. What on earth can I do?”

It might surprise you to know that I receive emails like this all the time in my practice as a sex and relationship therapist. People just like you are struggling to feel satisfied in their sex life and they know the deserve more.

The truth is, their partner’s small penis isn’t the whole story.

Here’s my advice to them .

1. Avoid mentioning your partner’s penis size

Whatever you do, don’t say anything to your husband about his penis size. Although honesty is the best policy in most situations, this definitely isn’t one of them.

As unsatisfied as you might feel, your husband can’t control how large or small his penis is. Telling him is only going to hurt his feelings, damage his ego and potentially drive a wedge between the two of you.

You don’t want to throw your relationship away because you couldn’t resist telling him the truth. There are more effective ways you can solve the problem without destroying his self esteem.

2. Talk about your sexual fantasies

Most men love the idea of spicing things up in the bedroom, especially if you’ve been together for a while. So use this to your advantage and start making some sexy suggestions

For example, is there anything specific you’d love to try in the bedroom? Any foreplay moves that are practically guaranteed to get you hot? Fetishes? Role playing? Quickies? Sex in different locations?

Find the right time and place and start sharing your ideas with your partner. Make sure you’re both feeling relaxed, feeling comfortable when you do this and keep the conversation sexy and low key if you can. Don’t be afraid to send sexy messages if you’d like to turn up the heat even more.

But a word of warning- if you’re curious about multiple-person scenarios such as threesomes, tread carefully. Again, you don’t want your husband to think that he’s ‘not enough’ for you.

3. Bring toys into the bedroom

You should also consider bringing some sex toys into the mix. These are great for exploring your body, discovering new erogenous zones and helping you to climax. But be careful! You don’t want to damage your husband (or partner’s) ego by ordering an extra large dildo or suggesting in any way that he’s not satisfying your needs.

Bring sex toys into the conversation gently, then look for kinky toys that you can enjoy together and use on each other. This might include such as dual vibrators, sexy dice games, handcuffs, dildos and whatever else tickles your fancy.

Then have fun experimenting with them together.

4. Think about what really matters to you

When it comes to your relationship, sex isn’t everything. As the months and years go by, we all inevitably change. We grow apart, we have children, we face extra stress in our lives, we go through the menopause, we age and sex stops being as important as it was in the early days.

Are you willing to throw this away because of your husband’s penis size? Likewise, would you be happy to compromise and live like this for the rest of your life?

Your answers to these questions can really help shed light on how you’re feeling.

It’s also worth asking yourself whether your lack of sexual satisfaction really comes from whether or not you’re having multiple orgasms? Or are there other issues within the relationship that you’re too afraid or unwilling to address? Be honest with yourself.

Remember that you almost certainly married this person knowing exactly what they had inside their pants. Unless you were waiting until marriage, you knew that they weren’t well endowed. What makes this become an issue now when it wasn’t before? Or are you only just starting to admit it?

When I’m working with clients as an online sex and relationship therapist, I find that the root of most sexual problems isn’t sex at all. Sex is just the “straw that broke the camel’s back”. The real burning issue is the tension and stress between the couple, or communication problems, or even issues with trust.

How much of this do you think affects your own relationship and sexual problems?


Your husband’s small penis is clearly causing you problems when it comes to your sexual satisfaction. However, there are many ways you can turn up the heat in the bedroom without damaging his self esteem or destroying the relationship. Start by opening up about your fantasies or bring toys into the bedroom for added spice. Then consider whether there are underlying issues that are causing your husband’s penis size to be an issue now and not before.

Want to enjoy a satisfying sex life even though your husband has a small penis?


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Is My Premature Ejaculation Caused By My Small Penis?

Is My Premature Ejaculation Caused By My Small Penis?

Premature ejaculation can be disappointing, guilt-inducing and stressful, especially if it happens frequently.

Everything was awesome- the air was buzzing with sexual chemistry, your partner was melting under your touch and you couldn’t wait a second longer.

But just a couple of minutes after penetration, you knew you were in trouble. Despite all the mental gymnastics you were doing to prevent it from happening, you came much too soon.

You feel like you’ve disappointed your partner, you’ve disappointed yourself and you can’t be a ‘real man’ if you perform like that in bed. It’s even worse if you’re concerned about the size of your penis and believe that it’s too small.

You start wondering if your premature ejaculation is actually caused by your small penis. You’re right to be concerned. Your premature ejaculation could be caused by your small penis.

But not in the way you think. Let me explain why.

So, what’s the link between penis size and premature ejaculation?

First, let me reassure you that premature ejaculation (PME) is a common occurrence throughout the world. It can affect one in three men in their lifetime and can affect you throughout your life or happen suddenly.

Secondly, the term ‘premature ejaculation’ is largely a subjective term. What you consider to be ‘disappointing’ may be perfectly normal. Medically speaking, PME is often defined as climaxing within one minute of penetration and again, anything else is ‘normal’.

Of course, it’s how you feel about your performance in bed that counts. If you feel like you’re ejaculating sooner than you’d like or that you lack control over your orgasm, it’s still important for us to get to the bottom of this sex issue and find effective solutions.

Especially if you feel ashamed when you climax too soon. Or if you believe that your small penis can’t satisfy your partner. Or if you struggle with self-esteem and body confidence issues.

In fact, this is exactly how small penis size and premature ejaculation are linked. It’s a vicious cycle.

You believe that you are inadequate, that you’re a disappointment in bed and that you’re just not ‘manly’ enough. This causes huge amounts of stress, anxiety and emotional and psychological turmoil which impact your performance in bed even more.

It’s even worse if you’ve had a negative sexual experience in the past, either related to your small penis, early ejaculation or overall performance in bed.

Of course, there can be numerous other causes including prostate problems, an underactive or overactive thyroid, taking certain prescription medications or recreational drugs and the list goes on.

But if you have a small penis and you’re ejaculating too soon it’s important to address those psychological issues first before you search for a physical cause.

What can you do about premature ejaculation when you have a small penis?

Getting your premature ejaculation under control can be complex as there can be so many different factors that contribute to the problem. This is made even worse if you’re worried about your penis size and believe that it’s holding you back from enjoying the sex life and relationships that you deserve.

As I’ve mentioned above, that’s why it’s best to develop a game plan that combines the cognitive, psychological, emotional and physical aspects. It’s the best way to get a fast and effective solution that works. Here’s what can often work for premature ejaculation and small penis size.

1. Change your thinking

Still, think that you need a huge penis to satisfy your partner in bed? Or that you need to pull off a sex marathon each and every time you go to bed? Wrong!

This idea that we need to be superhuman sex machines comes from toxic masculinity which is made even worse if you watch a lot of porn.

The truth is, the average duration of penetrative sex is usually just five minutes and the average penis size for Canadian men is 5.5” (14cm).

That’s it. What you think is premature ejaculation or a small penis size most likely isn’t when compared to these numbers.

What really matters is what you and your partner are doing together. That sexual chemistry, that trust, that genuine mutual consent, that basic human urge to give each other pleasure. That’s what really counts.

2. Think about your relationship

Often, premature ejaculation can be caused or worsened by ongoing feelings of anxiety, stress, worry about sexual performance, or problems within the relationship itself.

Of course, this can also be a vicious cycle- the more often you experience premature ejaculation, the more strain the relationship can placed under. The secret here is to identify the root cause (or causes) and speak to a relationship therapist for guidance.

3. Masturbate more often

Forget what you heard in the schoolyard about masturbation- you won’t go blind or start growing hair on the palms of your hands! In fact, it can help you learn where the ‘point of no return’ is and help you last longer in bed.

Aim to masturbate 3-5 times per week and then stop when you feel yourself just about to release. Wait for a few minutes then start masturbating again. Repeat four times before you allow yourself to orgasm.

Another great tip is to masturbate a few hours before you expect to have sex. This can also help you take longer to climax.

4. Use condoms

Condoms don’t just protect you from unwanted pregnancies and STDs. They can also help reduce sensitivity, helping you to enjoy intercourse for longer. Thick condoms are the most effective and are widely available.

5. Experiment with foreplay

Many couples find that they’re so turned on from their foreplay that the climax soon after penetration. How much can you handle? Are you leaving it too late? If this seems to be the problem, try penetration sooner and see if it helps.

It’s also worth focusing more on your partner, giving them more pleasure and helping them to come closer to climax before penetration happens. That way, you won’t need to worry as much about your premature ejaculation or your small penis size.

6. Practice Kegel exercises

Kegel exercises can help you strengthen your pelvic floor and can help postpone ejaculation, so they’re worth practicing regularly. You can also do them anytime, anywhere and no one will notice. Learning how to do it is also straightforward.

Next time you’re using the bathroom, stop urination midstream. The muscles you’ll use to do this are your pelvic floor muscles. Simply hold for three seconds, relax for three seconds and repeat. Aim to practice 10 cycles three times per day.

6. Hire a sex therapist

Dealing with premature ejaculation or accepting your small penis size can be challenging. But with the right expert guidance, you can stop feeling ashamed and enjoy the satisfying, toe-curling sex life that you and your partner deserve.

Contact me to find out how my online sex therapy and counselling sessions can help.


Again, premature ejaculation is common and doesn’t reflect on your masculinity, your ability to give sexual pleasure or your ability to find a loving partner.

Yes, it can be connected to having a small penis but not for the reasons you might think. It comes down to your thought processes. It’s how you feel about your penis size, your body and your relationship, not what you have in your pants.



Dating with a Small Penis

Dating with a Small Penis

If you have a small penis (or you believe that you do), dating can feel utterly overwhelming. Even if you’re desperate to find your soulmate, fall head over heels in love and have an incredible sex life, you’ve probably been avoiding the dating scene for most of your life.

The problem is, you believe that you’d only end up getting laughed at if you tried the dating world.

You’d get rejected and humiliated when your prospective partner discovered the truth about your manhood. They’d be disappointed and shocked, and you’d never be able to satisfy their sexual needs. If they’re like your ex-partner, they might even get angry or crush whatever shred of self esteem you have.

I see it all the time in my work as a sex therapist and counsellor. Successful men open up to me and share their deepest darkest fears about their penis size and why they haven’t yet found the partner of their dreams.

And you know what, most men have the exact same questions.

They want to know if their penis is as small as they think (and before you ask, no, I don’t check!). They want to know whether they should tell their partner about their small penis size on the first date or if they’d be better off waiting. Most of all, they want to know how they can ever satisfy their new partner when they have a small penis.

Today, I’m going to tell you exactly what I tell them in our small penis therapy sessions. I’m going to answer all of your questions and reassure you that you can enjoy the dating scene, whatever your penis size.

But, do you really have a small penis?

Before we take a closer look at the details, we need to touch on a very important topic. Is your penis really as small as you think?

Many men have spent their whole lives believing that to be ‘normal’, you need to have a penis of at least six inches, preferably more. That if you have any less than this, it’s something to be ashamed of and says something about your masculinity.

But there isn’t any truth in this idea at all! It’s a false idea that has been put into our heads from what we’ve heard in the sports locker rooms and in the media, our culture of toxic masculinity, and unrealistic expectations. It’s made even worse if you watch a lot of porn (**Spoiler alert- most men in porn videos are well above average when it comes to endowment!**)

In fact, the average penis size for a Canadian man is 5.5” (14cm) and it’s perfectly normal to have slightly less or slightly more.

A very tiny percentage of men worldwide suffer from what is known as a ‘micropenis’. This is a medical definition for a penis that is smaller than 2.05 inches and is usually diagnosed during infancy. But as I said, this is a tiny percentage.

Some suffer from a psychological disorder known as penile dysmorphic disorder (PDD) which causes them to believe that their penis is ugly, deformed or defective, even when it isn’t.

Regardless, there’s nothing wrong with you even if you do have a penis that is smaller than the so-called ‘average’. It doesn’t say anything about your masculinity, virility, ability to give sexual pleasure or whether you’ll ever have a loving relationship.

What matters most in any relationship is your ability to connect, to love, to trust and to communicate. It’s not about the size of your manhood.

The truth is, most women aren’t bothered by the size of their partner’s penis anyway. In fact, many prefer smaller penises. The average vagina length is 3-5” so larger penises can feel uncomfortable and even hurt a sensitive cervix.

Should I tell my date about my penis size?

This is one of the questions I get asked most often by clients in small penis counselling sessions and it’s a difficult one to answer.

On one hand, you might want to be open and honest with your date from day one so they know what to expect and are less likely to reject you when you finally make it to bed. Or perhaps you’ve been so traumatised by previous humiliations that you’d rather just get it out of the way early so you can move on.

On the other hand, telling your date or new partner is likely to be difficult, especially if it’s your first date. You don’t want to suggest that you’re planning on dragging your date straight to the bedroom, as this can be very off-putting, even if that’s what you’re hoping will happen. Tell them too soon and you could kill a budding relationship.

It’s usually better to wait before telling your date about the size of your penis. See how the relationship grows. Let that chemistry between you ignite. Get to know each other and build that connection.

Either way, it’s going to feel like an awkward situation for the both of you so choose your words carefully and make light of it whenever possible. The sentence, “I’m not that large”, can work well.

If you’re in a heterosexual relationship, remember that women are much less cock-centric than men. They’ll definitely be curious about getting you naked, but not in the same way as you might be thinking. They’re very unlikely to be judging you for the size of your manhood and far more likely to be thinking about their own insecurities.

Of course, there’s a possibility that your date will take it badly. That they will be insensitive to your feelings or even decide not to take the relationship any further. If this happens, it simply shows that they’re not the right person for you. Make sure you don’t take it personally- you’ve dodged a bullet!

Keep your head high, move on and continue to look for your perfect match. They are out there somewhere.

How do I satisfy my partner when I have a small penis?

Understandably, many men worry that they won’t be able to give sexual pleasure to their partner when they have a small penis. But this is definitely not true.

Having mind-blowing sex is about being a considerate lover, not just about penetration.

Here are some ideas that can help.

1. Reframe your thinking

Often it’s what goes on in your head that influences how satisfying your sex life is or whether you experience true love. It’s not about how big your penis is.

That’s why, when you start dating with a small penis, you need to focus on changing your thinking patterns and heal your negative body image. Only by believing with your heart and soul that the love of your life is out there can you make progress.

(Need help? Find out more about my small penis counselling sessions.

2. Learn the art of foreplay

Foreplay is the best part of making love. It’s when you get to play with your partner, explore him or her, turn up the heat and leave you both begging for each other’s touch. Make the most of it. Take your time. Get creative. Develop your oral sex and fingering skills and learn exactly what spots turn your partner on the most.

3. Bring sex toys into the bedroom

Sex toys and dildos can bring extra magic to the bedroom, regardless of your penis size. Have fun with them, get creative and see what new g-spots they can help you discover.

4. Experiment with different positions

There are several sex positions that work well if you have a small penis. This includes:

  • Doggy style – You can maximise penetration whilst also having your hands free to play with your partner’s clitoris, nipples or other sensitive spots.
  • Face to face (sitting on lap) – This position is all about the petting, kissing and cuddling. It’s less about the thrusting and more about the grinding!
  • Cowgirl – Again, you can get deeper penetration, and lots of opportunity to play.

5. Communicate

Great sex isn’t just about your physical chemistry and skills in the bedroom. It also depends on mutual trust and how well you can communicate your needs to each other. For that reason, be willing to talk about how you both feel, be open to suggestions and be willing to try new things in the bedroom.


The dating scene can feel like a daunting place if you have a small penis. But there’s no need to worry, you can find the love of your life and enjoy an amazing sex life. The secret lies in changing your thought patterns and learning to be the best lover you can be. I like to tell my clients “pack a lunch and get down there!”

Schedule your Zoom session now!

Why you may be avoiding sex and how to fix it!

Why you may be avoiding sex and how to fix it!

Despite the belief that most people are even having sex or want to be truth be told that lack of partners and inhibitions about sex often impact sexual behaviour. In the 50’s Alfred Kinsey found that up to 19 percent of adults do not engage in sex. This varies by gender and marriage status, and the upside of marriage and cohabitation is that you get laid more often than the single folks.
But for the people who do not seek out sex what’s going on? If sex is the second most powerful drive why aren’t people trying to hook up?
It’s not that there are so many people who are asexual. Yes, there are some asexual adults out there but in 25 years I’ve not met many. And yes finding partners to get naked with can sometimes be problematic. If you are in a remote location, you missed that class in High School when they explained how to pick up potential partners, you are stuck at home with aging parents and small kids or other logistics can keep you from getting laid.
But for many people sexual, medical issues or anxiety about sex holds us back from having sex. I know clients who are so worried about premature ejaculation that they will not date. Being a “one-minute guy” is so embarrassing that they will not follow up with a sexual invitation because in their minds the interlude will end in disaster. Or the idea that being seen naked in bright light for many women is so terrifying that they slam the door on their own pleasure.
Are you one of the 19% not having sex? Is it because you are held back for some reason?
Is it that you can’t find a partner? Some of the common reasons people are avoidant about searching sex out include:
-Erectile dysfunction
-Chronic medical conditions
-past abuse
-Fear of pregnancy
-fear of sti’s, heart attack, or just germy people
-Chronic pain
-diabetes, obesity
-Personality disorders
-Poor sleep quality
-medications (anti-depressants)
-Shame, guilt
-penis size
-Hormonal issues
-Worry about being too old for sex
-Sexual anorexia – (too much pornography abuse)
It may be time to get some help. I have a $500 plan to guarantee you dates. I can treat body image challenges, sexual anxiety, things like premature ejaculation that leaves you fearful. Let’s talk about how to move you past this place.

10 things that men might not know about their penises. Despite owning one.

10 things that men might not know about their penises. Despite owning one.

It’s amazing to women how obsessed men can be about their genitals. Women have our share of body image issues but rarely is the obsession focused on our girl bits. As a Sex Therapist I have men in my office every day worried about being hard enough, big enough, lasting long enough, and being skilled enough. The worry about genital normalcy can be all consuming for some guys despite all the things they have going for them. For most men there is lots of pressure to perform. You must get hard, stay hard, initiate, have some game, understand a partner’s needs, don’t come too quickly and understand sexual etiquette. And despite playing with their penis for decades most men aren’t aware of things their penis can do.
I wanted to share some things that you may not know that your penis is capable of in a series of “genitally focused blogs”. I love my job.
1. You can “break your penis”. While the penis has no bone, it does have tissues that can be damaged by rigorous sex. Be carefully about “slamming it home” when it isn’t fully hard. Peyronies is a medical condition where the penis has been injured and scar tissue on one side or another pulls the erection in such a way that you get a bend to one side or another can also happen with a penile injury. Wear your jock strap playing sports.
2. You can change the taste of your sperm. Partners who give oral sex on men are aware of this but fruit an hour before sexual activity can help make a partner much more orally inclined. Dig up the strawberries.
3. Everyone worries about being inadequate. Sexual anxiety is the most common thing I see with men. It can manifest as trouble with erections, but the most common issue is ejaculation challenges. Either too fast or premature or difficulty or delayed ejaculation. Ejaculation is something you can do mindfully (like breathing), but when you are anxious ejaculation can be triggered by the automatic reflex system and be over before it’s started. Breathing, keegals, and gelking can all help last longer. Gelking is the technique where you masturbate and don’t let yourself climax. By staying on the edge you can learn where the point of no return actually is. Read more about it here.

4. Viagra and Cialis are not just for old men. If I was a guy over 30….and if the stress level is through the roof I would be taking boner pills. 1/10th of a pill is often enough to prevent the loss of an erection so cut them in quarters and diminish any possible headaches or other side effects. A new partner, new situation, overall stress or lack of privacy all influences erectile abilities. And it’s normal.
5. Masturbation is like food and water. Everyone needs both. I firmly believe this and have long espoused that “if you can’t play with your own equipment, you shouldn’t play with someone else’s.” Get better at playing with your penis by masturbating in a variety of ways and by learning to delay ejaculation.
6. Your penis has no brain. It is a creature of habit. Interrupting the process of automatic responses by using warm oils, cooling gels, different textures and experiences cause a delay or increased intensity in ejaculation.
7. It’s okay to say no to sex if you are tired, or it’s moving too fast. Talk to your doctor about adding testosterone if you have lost the loving feeling. 20% of men over 35 have lost (or are rapidly losing) their sexual desire. Low libido is the most common thing I treat in my practice. And 20% of the clients I see are men. I see men every week struggling to find the interest to engage with their partners sexually.
8. Smoking shrinks your penis by 1cm, and chronic weed smoking can impact your erections. Everything in moderation. Especially things under grow lamps.
9. Your penis also is made up of muscle. I have seen many clients who have gone on extreme diets and have had penile muscle atrophy. Losing weight is great for your sex life. Crazy diets cause ED and should be one of the disclaimers they make you sign when you start living on 500 calories a day.
10. 94% of men have measured their dicks. They typically range from 4-6 inches erect and only under 2 inches can you call yours a micro penis. Or as one of my clients calls his genital “a bee with testicles”. There are things I can help with for penis size. Have a look at my download here.

It Hurts So Good, One Man’s SPH (small penis) Journey

I large number of my clients have fetishes, kinks, and concern about their genitals. Good therapy often includes hearing and acknowledging specific sexual issues and assuring my clients that they aren’t alone, perverted, or unusual in feeling the way they do. Hearing about a sexual worry (or a turn on) in therapy is often the first step to finding a way to feel better about one’s sexuality. Feeling like you are weird or have something “off sexually” can feel all-consuming. Small penis for example is a very common issue presented in my office. Here is one person’s perspective about his the work on his issue pf penis size and his desire for SPH in the hopes of helping other men.
By CL, guest writer
Next, she told me to pull down my shorts. As they fell at my feet and I stood naked before her, she laughed a loud wicked laugh, lay back on the bed, and said: “Definitely not a man, you’re practically dickless; my girlfriends are all going to hear about this, and there’s no way I’m ever letting you fuck me with that tiny little thimble between your legs.” I knelt at her feet, and she parted her knees. Just before burying my face between her thighs, I smiled and asked her to say it again, and again….
What’s in a Kink?
This is actually reflective of a fairly common kink among men, regardless of their actual size. Small penis humiliation (SPH) is probably not one they’d ever mention to guy friends. They may not even be able to discuss it with an intimate partner. If they did, experience would tell them that most women aren’t naturally inclined to go there, some even if it’s clear that he wants or needs this as part of mutually satisfying bedroom play.
I used the word “kink”, but any of these will do:
According to their dictionary definitions, I’ve listed them in ascending order of intensity or reference specifically to sexual gratification. A predilection is simply a preference, and a fetish at the other end of the spectrum is an object or body part that’s necessary for sexual gratification and it can be a harmful preoccupation. I actually favor the first two. They’re G-rated words, but they convey the meaning in context, and they go well together.
This posting is the second part of a two-part series. The first part dealt with practical and realistic considerations while dating for a man with a small penis:
Like that first posting, it’s my experience, and intended to help others move past fear, shame, and insecurity, or at least find a productive and positive time and place for those old companions to be called upon to spice things up. It would be fair to say that there’s a cultural obsession with penis size, particularly among men and boys, and size insecurity is a lingering and persistent issue, resulting in negative self-image and a lack of confidence for many males throughout their lives. In the first part, I addressed dating. In this second part, I address harnessing all of that old negative energy and channeling it for erotic pleasure.
Beginning that Journey
For me, it didn’t happen overnight. I wish my journey to this point had been more direct, like a straight line. It wasn’t. I first observed at age 6 that my penis was much smaller than those of other boys my age. That was when I first felt a sense of shame about being sexually under-endowed and dread at what might lay ahead for me if it didn’t grow. Although I expected it would grow, I started hiding my nakedness from others’ eyes as best I could. It turns out it never did grow. At age 19, I realized that I had reached my full adult height, and that my penis would probably remain unusually small. The early humiliations in social and sexual situations would likely be repeated or occur in new ways. They were, and they did. Over time, and entering full adulthood, what I gained was control. The occasional medical procedure excepted, I got to decide when to be naked in the presence of others, and who would learn about my physical anomaly.
Taking Control
I was in my 30s and married for the second time before I understood that the fears and insecurities could be put to controlled use. They were based on my actual experiences and cultural references, and they had fueled the vast majority of my masturbatory fantasies since puberty, and my immature sexual thoughts beginning years before puberty. I experimented, read from an increasing body of research and erotic literature, and learned what I could from others. By my 40s, I finally came to accept what I had once considered a curse had actually been a blessing. I have one significant kink, finally the ability to understand it, and the physical equipment to make it more than a fantasy role play. SPH or its kinder, gentler kin, small penis teasing (SPT), is what I need in order to be most satisfied. It’s what I need for full and genuine sexual expression.
It’s a form of emotional or erotic masochism, and it can pair well with a physical component, but it doesn’t have to do any harm. For me, it isn’t maladaptive at all. It never comes up, except among consenting and trusting adults. I seek its expression only in socially acceptable and inoffensive ways. It’s never interfered with work, made me a neglectful parent, nor involved breaking any law. It won’t ruin my liver or my lungs. It doesn’t stop me from being interested in indulging another’s kinks or satisfying my wife’s needs. On the contrary, what I lack in one sexual attribute makes me more eager and determined to give pleasure in other ways. The more we call attention to the stark and glaring insufficiency of my penis, the more energetic my efforts, and the better the results for both of us.
Mars Men and Venus Women, Yet Again
I mentioned that this is mainly a kink for men. Sexual arousal and expression that’s rooted in longstanding fears and insecurities tend to be strong ones. As Sue McGarvie can attest from her therapy practice and experience in the field, penis-size insecurity among men is practically an epidemic. More than being judged by others, we judge ourselves, compare ourselves to pornographic images, and hear frequently: “size does matter.” Well, it does, but not nearly as much as men think it does.
There are women who prefer a husband or boyfriend with a small penis, say significantly smaller than average, because of the erotic pleasure of teasing him about it. They’re out there, but exceptionally rare. Unicorn, anyone? More commonly, it’s the male partner’s kink and she may enjoy it or not. Like any deeply-rooted kink that’s not openly talked about, and perhaps difficult for even the kinkster to understand or to express in words, mismatches are common. The phenomenon sparked by the popularity of the 2011 book, “Fifty Shades of Grey” by E.L. James, included droves of women who suddenly confided in partners that they’d secretly craved for years or decades to be dominated. For a pair in an exclusive marriage or other long-term relationship, this posed a problem for many. She may crave the sub experience, but he may not be a Dom by nature, nor mentally and emotionally wired for it, even as bedroom play. The problem isn’t what she wants, but that she thinks it should be easy for him to adapt to and adjust based on this new disclosure of hers.
Similarly, when a man confesses years or decades into a relationship that he wants to be teased or humiliated for having a small penis, and for his wife or girlfriend to tell him how much better endowed and more sexually satisfying her previous partners have been, this can pose an obvious problem in a relationship. Often, women aren’t wired for this. Even if they wouldn’t mind an extra couple of inches or something more girthy down there, it can seem objectionably cruel, shallow, or superficial, to tell a man she’s committed to share long term intimacy with that his penis is too small to satisfy her sexual needs. We all have body insecurities of one kind or another, and it seems counter-intuitive to be asked to berate a man for a physical attribute he can’t change, even if it clearly arouses him and he asks for it. The problem isn’t in what he wants, but that he thinks it should be easy to adapt and adjust to this new disclosure of his. Good girls don’t make fun of a man’s junk, not right in front of him anyway, and what might this lead to – him asking to watch her have sex with other men? It can be difficult, and no matter how harmless the activity, disclosing longstanding and intense secret fantasies to a long-term partner, can have the effect of breaking down trust rather than building it. However it goes, trust is the lifeblood of all human relationships.
Back to my Journey – The Measure of a Man
My own journey toward SPH wasn’t a direct, straight line. It was probably around age 30 that I even knew it could be a real destination. It’s something I had to discover. It’s actually an advantage in this one area of kink that my penis is very small. The fear that I didn’t and wouldn’t measure up sexually has been a persistent feature of my erotic thoughts and masturbatory fantasies. Whether changing clothes in a locker room, stripping-off with a group of friends for a nude swim or dip in a hot tub, or undressing for the first time with a new romantic partner, it’s conspicuously obvious that I’m not like other men. A urologist MD informed me in early adulthood that I have a micropenis. It’s the medical term, whatever the cause, and there are many causes, for a penis sized in the bottom one half of one percent, relative to age, adult in my case. With increasingly reliable information about what average size is, an adult micropenis is one with a length of 2 ½ inches (6 1/3 cm) or less. That doctor further described the size of my penis as being “infantile.” It remains so today.
The anxiety that I later sexualized began with trying to hide myself from others as a child. Hiding wasn’t always possible, and being teased by male peers or having them inform female peers reinforced and intensified my sense shame. Seeing pornographic images, male siblings’ and peers’ pubertal development, and observing that the rest of me was growing but my penis remained tiny and my testes and scrotum also small added to my diminishing hope of growth.
Finding Out About Sex, and Being Found Out
It all changed when girls my age began to notice me in a new way, and I began to date, leading eventually to sexual contact. I felt that I was living a lie, pretending to have something I didn’t, and that I was bound to be found out. I was, and the first few sexual experiences included humiliations that added to my bank of shame: condoms slipping off, penis slipping out repeatedly, hearing the words “so small” and “so tiny.” These experiences went not only into a bank of shame, but what one person much later in life referred to as a “permanent spank bank,” a collection of masturbatory thoughts. Alcohol tends to loosen the tongue, and out with friends or work colleagues in my 20s, others made jokes or references to penis size, usually to my secret shame…but also secret arousal.
I’d had to deal in some way with the questions posed to me in the bedroom: “Why is it so small?” and “Can’t you make it bigger?”, but I had no way of initiating or otherwise engaging on the subject. I became a perceptive and giving lover, but I couldn’t yet go there – couldn’t ask for SPH for my pleasure, or guide the activity there when the fact of my size and physical limitations became apparent. I just couldn’t bring myself to lighten up and have some fun with that aspect of the situation. What I was missing was that it wasn’t all frustration and disappointment, and that some of the women who entered my life may have enjoyed exploring the possibilities with me, of exposing my “little secret” to a girlfriend with my knowledge, of measuring me and laughing at the result, of complaining during vaginal penetrative intercourse that she couldn’t feel anything and that my penis was just way too small for sex. Some certainly would have gone there, if I’d asked, especially after they’d commented on our mismatched sexual organs, but I couldn’t yet bring myself to ask.
You’ve Got to Be Prepared to Ask for What You Need and Want
The next step on that journey was in my late 20s, after my first marriage had ended and I was again dating. It was the practical necessity to disclose the situation before sex was immediately imminent. Not only did this help build trust, and give a new romantic partner a graceful exit if my physical deficiency might be a relationship dealbreaker for her, but the conversations were deeply arousing to me. Being able to initiate discussion on the subject and not merely blush and die inside was liberating. It opened the door within a few years to asking for sexual play that made an issue of the small size of my penis, and to guide that play. I’d discovered that pain/pleasure satisfaction of SPH and that I craved it.
The fact that I enjoyed it so much meant that I considered and discovered many ways to indulge it. I came to understand a few things. First, it was the control we have as adults and in relationships based on trust that balance pain and pleasure to produce an overall positive result. When I was 15, there was nothing pleasurable in the instant of having a male peer “out” me to a group of girls our age by referring to me as having a “babydick.” Their knowing giggles and the looks on their faces when my silent embarrassment confirmed an unusually small penis are etched in my mind and memory. The pain at the time was unequivocal, no matter how arousing it has been to think of it ever since.
Now, I have control. I’ll gladly expose the truth when it suits me, and I know when I register to run in a clothing-optional 5K race with hundreds of other nude adults, that people will notice that I’m the only man there whose flaccid penis is completely retracted, appearing to be no more than a nub of skin. I know it’s not a sexual situation, and I’m legitimately a good runner who enjoys the company of nudists as honestly accepting people. However, I can’t deny the secret thrill of it being obvious to any and all who care to look that I’m by far the smallest-endowed man there, something one just doesn’t see every day, especially on a man who’s otherwise fit.
In our private time together, I take special pleasure in having my wife run her finger up and down the length of her labia as she says to me: “You’ll never be able to satisfy me with that little teenie weenie peenie.” I wasted so much time and energy earlier in life trying to hide myself and fearing what would happen when people found out. In order to minimize the anticipated harm, I foreclosed all of the positive sexual energy that I might have experienced and shared.
All a Matter of Perspective
I once used to look up, shake my fist heavenward, and yell: “Hey, you missed a spot down here!” In time, I came to learn that I’m just part of the variety and variation of nature, and that the silent message back was: “That little penis of yours is a gift, so quit complaining and go have some fun with it, but without hurting anyone.”
My message to others who’ve read this far is that, whatever your kink, go have some fun with it, but without hurting anyone. Your kinks are probably not as strange or shameful as you think, but if you have a long-term partner, and you’ve never disclosed this before, be clear and direct but take it slowly and understand if he or she can’t yet, or maybe can’t ever, take that particular path with you.
So if this article resonates with you and you need to talk further then it’s time to reach out. Send me an email or fill out the contact form and we can put your fears, concerns at rest and set up an action plan. Be gentle with yourself. Sue