Ask any woman about the power of hormones. Every month fertile women are given on on upfront and personal look at how our biochemistry controls behaviour. Men have the same problem, only its constant, and is what gets them out to bars on a Saturday night.
In a new relationship, dopamine is the “feel good” hormone that causes you to get that honeymoon feeling. Chocolate with it’s high dopamine levels can extend or replicate the feeling, but nothing, I mean nothing is as highly intoxicating as the rush of chemicals you feel in on on new relationship. If you are connected, them BAM – you get the jolt of kick-ass hormones that can leave you jittery. You can know that’s whats going on, but it still can cause your circuits to go haywire. That’s why your job in dating (as I preach to my patients) is to screen out the losers before the chemistry takes over. If you pick right, and the phermones- the scent that is picked up and brings you to your knees- is right, then hang on, it’s going to be a Hell of on on ride.
I wrote a bunch of stuff on desire yesterday and then did something before saving it properly and it all disappeared. Duh! Thought I would rant about something else, but the desire question won’t go away today. I thought desire was something I could orchestrate better. It turns out that my desires have taken me by surprise this past week. Websters defines desire as:
- To wish or long for; want.
- To express a wish for; request.
- A wish or longing.
- A request or petition.
- The object of longing: My greatest desire is to go back home.
- Sexual appetite; passion.
I’ve been thinking about the sexuality of desire, and how that comes about. My sexual needs are kind of like this symbiotic parasite ready to appear with provocation – or or with no provocation with absolute regularity. I mean, like most women, I am the most sexually approachable during ovulation, and just before my period. That doesn’t mean to say that I am unapproachable the rest of the time, it just means, at those times of the month I’ll tie you up and have my way with you before you knew what hit you. A mess of organic chemistry, is it really pheromones, or scent that triggers lust, or is it the other way around? I’m pondering this as I wonder about the continual fantasy pictures in my head. No, I’m not hearing voices, but most men tell me that they have a running porno in their head – pictures of women they know and imagine. For me, although not an unfamiliar thing, is getting more frequent as I get older. Who knows, maybe I’ll be the randy old lady with holsters of vibrators, always at the ready to jump the object of my desire….
Deep thoughts from this lightweight blonde on a summer afternoon, but I’ll leave you with this quote from Anita Shreve on the first page of her book, Fortune’s Rock.
“In the time it takes for her to walk to the bathhouse to the waterline, she learns about desire. Desire that slows the breath, that causes a preoccupied pause in the midst of uttering a sentence, that focuses the gaze absolutely on the progress of naked feet walking toward the water. This first brief awareness of desire – and being the object of desire, a state of which she has no previous hint _ comes to her as a kind of slow seizure, as of the air compressing itself all around her, and causes what seems to be the first faint shudder of her adult life. (page 3)”
One of my favorite, most cited sex studies in the last few years was one done by Dr. Alan Hirsch from Chicago, who found that our limbic (primative brain linked with sex) gets turned on by certain smells. For men, their testosterone levels go up a whopping 40% when exposed to the smell of cooking cinnamon, lavender, oranges, donuts, and pumpkin pies. After reading that, I started to change the perfume I was wearing from the Lauren I wore for years to The Body Shop oils in orange, and cinnamon. It was about that time when the amount of male attention I received increased significantly. It may have been the new cologne, or it may have been that I also lost some weight at that time, and – if I do say so myself- was looking rather rightous.
If you’re looking for some positive male attention, it may be something to try. Alternatively, men should smell like baby powder- or some other cuddly, nurturing scent. Women are more likely to want to boff if they (even unconsciously) start thinking about babies. Oh, the smell and taste of chocolate also seems to work for women.
Why not try it? Maybe the neighborhood dogs will start following you home since you smell like food, or maybe it will be the two legged dogs that suddenly take an interest.
It must be a case of raging-almost 40 year old hormones that I find myself checking out men at Starbucks. I watch the blind and first dates being played out over grande moch latte’s. I also watch the body language of what I think our married couples doing the "third rate romance thing". A secret lover, or a Mistress for Christmas – sound interesting? The problem is that for so many women it’s way, way past the "zipless Fuck" that Erica Jong so aptly summed up. It’s the connection, the squoogies, the intimacy, the je ne sais quoi, the romance that makes us damp…
So it’s finding the partner that fulfills a bunch of secret desires can be illusive. Women whether they’ll admit it themselves want that feeling of pooling lust, and romance in low places intheir bodies. It’s a bit about both the ying and the yang. Larry Brooks says: "initially it’s all about compatible assests. Chemistry. Before long the game changes, it becomes about compatible liabilities. A killer one-eighty. To make it really work, to make the turn, you have to have compatible flaws, compatible vulnerabilities, compaticle tolerances." So the relationship is about havign insecurities together. I ponder this over my tea as I watch the age old mating dance played out in front of me. Maybe it’s only about compatible frappachinos.
So girls night out this past week was spent watching the hottest strippers around. No Chippendales dancers for my small gaglle of women, we went to see traditional burlesque women dancers, who took it down to pasties, adn garters. Hot, classy, feminine I was blown away at just how much fun it looked. This is the best of the 30’s and 40’s stripping before it became lap dancing and champagne rooms. An even group of men and women, I had a great time! Miss Mitzy Cream, the leader of the pack of a group called the Kitten Revue I want her wardrobe! check out the photo page, it’s so sexy!
My two favourite numbers were a 40’s Bugle Boy sailor number, and a Hawaiian grass skirt hula that left the guy beside me breathless. Forget pole dancing for your man, it’s about ultra feminine, girl power! Break out the pasties and like the Chris De Burgh Patricia the Stripper song (it was the final number) says, "get men tumbling down in heaps before your feet." I’m out shopping for corsets!
This month’s Oprah magazine that I was reading at the spa today (when the going gets tough, the tough go to the spa-that’s my motto), anyway, while I was getting a pedicure, I read the article about The sexiest real men in the US. They had an articulate discussion of what women find sexy (kind of my own, small, informal, focus group). I read aloud the magazine article and asked the women sitting around in various stages of pampering what they found sexy. The group of very attractive stylists, all claimed to like confident and strong men. The older eclectic group of patrons said they preferred sensitive, smart guys with great butts. 
In my experience doing the dating events, I found that women want smart, funny, safe, kind, slightly self depreciating, charming (boyish or otherwise), great hygeine, charisma, self awareness, smells nice, knows about foreplay, likes sex but isn’t obsessed by it (porn addicts need not apply), focused and attentive, did I mention foreplay? And finally interested and genuinely like women.
If you are a guy trying to market to women, funny and attentive will win over cocky and washboard abs – for thinking women anyway.
As for me, I find brains, charm and humour exceeding sexy – and as a sex therapist I like my men randy. Hmmm, kind of like Bill…or Anderson Cooper.
Sex and aging, some cool new information on how to keep boffing until they take you away in a box….
I was reading another fabuluous book call Sexual Nutrition, by Dr. Morton Walker, the prolific naturopath. Anyway, he did this research project where he went down to the Andes to southern Equador where he studied the Vilcabambans, a group of over 20 centurians (happy, alert people, well into their hundreds) in a population of less than 4000. Considering that there are only 117 people in the US in a population of 230 million that lived to be over 100, they had to be doing something right. These old folks were regularly having sex (regularly with people 60-80 years younger) ….I wonder if there is a law about that??? They eve took healthy, active sperm from a man 131 years old!
He discovered that through hair, soil and health analysis, that it was primarily the mineral water they were drinking (spring fed volcanic rock) that kept their pipes clean and kept them vital, vigorous, and with all their faculties into very old age. Mineral water acts like a pipe cleaner, called chelators. The primary minerals are solenium, magnesium, maganese, zinc, chromium, calcium, sodium, potassium, molydenum, vanadium, and lithium.
So, the moral of the story is, drink mineral water, lead a healthy lifestyle, and who knows, maybe you can still be getting it up at 131 years old.
This Robert Greene’s book called The Art of Seduction (An Amazing read!) he’s almost nepharious (in the most interesting possible way) about how to turn yourself into a sex Goddess like Marilyn Monroe, Cleopatra, or Eva Perron, or a player like Duke Ellington, Casanova, or Oscar Wilde. It’s great!! I read at least 5 sex and relationship books weekly, and this is the best book I’ve read this year.
It’s the science of sneaking up on a unsuspecting “victim” and bringing them to their knees with love, lust, eroticism, longing and want. My books tell you what to do when you get them into bed, but Greene’s book takes you from stopping them in their tracks with a single look, to having them swoon into your arms. If you aren’t where you need to be with your lovelife, it’s time to be strategic. If seduction is the Art of War, this is the Manifesto…
If you are of a certain age, you remember the line from Judy Blume’s book "Hello God it’s me Margret" cool kids author about how obsessed women are with their breast size. Not quite as obsessed as men and the size of their dangling dicks, but that’s a rant for another day. Billions of dollars are spent on breast augmentation- which you have to have repackaged with saline about 10 years later. Not to mention the pain, money and side effects. I’m working on this new technique and clinical study to grow yours naturally. Interesting research study. If you are interested in trying a new, pain-free, and free technique to increase your breast size, I’m looking for guinea pig er I mean candiates to try this. Email me at suem@rogers.com
As defined by Webster’s, Seduction is the process of deliberately enticing another person into an act (see motivation). The word can have a negative connotation, either seriously or mildly (and also used jokingly), and may refer to an act that the other may later regret and/or would normally not want to do.
On last night’s show we discussed the process for becoming a “player” or having women fall at your feet. The book, The Game, (which I looked for at Chapters today, and couldn’t find…) and Mystery the infamous pick up artist find out about the book, and you too, can pick up women in bars it seems that the men who listen to my show (smart, amazing listeners that they are) were quite interested in the process. Hear the conversation about it with this podcast.
Dress funny, play hard to get, and reel them in. Dating 101 coaching, and it’s all here. So stay tuned to more on this after I actually read the book. Feedback welcome… Pickup artist, not just an 80’s movie anymore.