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Casino Royale with the Ducklings! Dress as your favorite Bond character!

Update! While this event has passed (and it was epic) we hold three events a week. Come be a Duckling!
We are a group of people trying not to turn into their parents, have fun, and stay sexy. We also have built a community of safe, kind, fun friends. Come join us!
Shaken not stirred.
We are having a Casino Royale style party in January to pretend we are all out of a Bond movie. We will get dressed up, play blackjack and roulette (with monopoly money), win prizes and drink sophisticated drinks, and dance like crazy fools (as Ducklings like to do) all while pretending to have gadgets on our watches. Save the January 23rd, 2016 date. We sorting out a special Duckling martini with Lutz, the Duckling bartender! The location is just east of Parkdale between Gladstone and Wellington.
Where else do you get to wear long gowns and gloves (with nothing underneath) or pretend you are the villain Jaws and show off your silver teeth. You can always dig up the tuxes if you have them and be the best dressed guy in the room.
It should be a blast! A great way to work out the winter blahs. This is a 3.5 duck event. Tickets will be $20 each and available on the site at www.sexwithsue.com/duckling-events. We will sell out and you NEED TO BUY YOUR TICKET! RSVP’ing yes isn’t enough. Website, Email transfer (and in a few pre-arranged cases you can pay at the door).

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So you are thinking about swinging? A Sex Therapist outlines the rules of Lifestyle play so that you don't blow up your relationship.

It’s called swinging or what is referred to by those in the know as the “Lifestyle”. And it’s becoming one of the more common issues I see my office these days as a sex therapist. If trying to keep things hot is an ever-popular workshop seminar, then “How to have crazy, wild monkey sex (that may include your next door neighbors) without screwing up your relationship” is now topic de jour.
So how do you start? What happens? How do you dip a toe in? Agh! The worry is that that something you want to try to enhance your relationship will mess up what you already have.
I could literally write a book (and many have) on this but I think talking through venturing into this abyss is worth doing with your partner a few hundred thousand times. Swinging like most has some good things, some amazing things, some bad and some crazy things about it. I’ve seen it really enhance relationships. I’ve also seen it blow relationships up. Either way, you can’t put the genie back in the bottle once you start.
I’ve written a blog on writing a sex contract and outlining expectations before venturing anywhere near outside sexual activity. If you are hoping for a threesome with a old friend or plan on naked hot tubbing with another couple then reading and talking (with or without directed help like a sex therapist) is mandatory. I certainly always say that writing your rules, safe words, expectations and plans for troubleshooting down in a contract format. Give it a read at /
Once you are both explicitly clear on the rules of engagement, then what do you do? I’m not going to cover jealousies, safe sex or a bevy of those issues in this blog. Keep coming back there is more to come. But know that there are other things you’ll need to think about. swing3
As a starting point, You need to advertise for the right person or people with whom to play with.
For couples looking for partners it’s a bit of a mine field. It can be anything from are you available tonight, to might these people become real friends. So the steps for most couples when advertising for play partners are:
1. Talk about what you want and boundaries between the two of you ad nauseum.
2. Write the ad together and place it on one of the adult dating sites.
3. Communicate extensively about pictures and confidentiality between the two of you.
4. Volley back and forth online with the expectation that you will meet for a drink within two weeks of starting the communication. If the correspondent isn’t willing to meet you then something’s up. It’s a man who hasn’t spoken to his wife, the person is a single man pretending to be someone else, or they are a picture collector. Move on immediately.
5. Some correspondents want to skype, face time, or speak on the phone to verify that you are indeed who you say you are.
6. Meet for the drink, coffee or casual rendezvous at the club to see if there is any mutual attraction.
Important things to look for are:
a) Are they respectful to each other? It’s a HUGE flag if they put their partner down in any way.
b) Have they lied to you in any major way?. Ie age, experience or relationship status.
c) Are they authentic? Can they make eye contact, tell stories and are consistent?
d) Have they cancelled more than once with a good explanation?
Single women
Many couples are hoping to find a single woman to join them. Single women that want to play with both men and women are the elusive “unicorn” of the lifestyle world. These women are very hard to find. Single women in the lifestyle are often recently out of relationships and are only free until they find a new permanent relationship. So they are transient. They want friendship and to be treated elegantly. And they are known however to flake out. Meaning you book something with them and they cancel at the last minute. Flakey also means that single women are often only interested in playing once a month when they are ovulating and horny. So don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from them the other three weeks a month. Single women respond best to elegant, fully dressed body pictures (heads can be cropped for discretion) and NOT to erection pictures. Single women are usually not impressed by pictures and descriptions of genitalia. Women want to know who you are, not how many inches you are. So if you want to appeal to women, either single or in a couple tell them who you are, not what your sexual prowess is.
I know it seems contraindicated when advertising for a casual hook up partner, but most people (read men who do the advertising) keep pushing the body parts. However for 90% of women it’s about fun, attention, elegance flirting, looking and feeling beautiful and feeling safe. Then you’ll get the tiger in the bedroom. Yes it will take longer. But you will get more than a one and done if you take the high road. I believe in the adage that: “Men hate feeling used, and women hate feeling cheap”. So don’t imply that you are using them as a way augment your sex life, without paying attention to them and finding out what they want. If you are using them as a toy without treating them with respect, your adventures with that women (single, coupled, or play friend) will be very short lived.
Given that it is women who determine whether or not play happens it behooves you to pay attention to what women will respond to. Women will respond to funny. They will respond to words of safety (ie. Little old ladies and puppies like us). Words like discretion, smells nice, upscale, professional, comedy, and fun work. And given that most women are addicted to sugar, enticing them with wine, chocolate, ice cream etc. will always get a double glance. Try it if you don’t believe me.
Other couples
Go back and read the single woman paragraph. Absolutely make note of the fact that in the lifestyle it’s the women who move the chains or veto play partners. It doesn’t mean that you both can’t thumbs down a situation, it means that for the most part it’s the men who are driving this and women who red or green light play on any particular day. For women to feel sexy they need to feel safe, clean and supported. Many of the women in the lifestyle want the crazy sex (I’ve met prim and proper accountants by day that want to do a three man gangbang when they play), but they ALL want to be treated like ladies over coffee. From a gender point of view men are hunters. They want to meet, secure the deal, score and part friends until the next time. Women want to feel beautiful, imagine they have new friends, be admired, plan what they are going to wear (often for hours on end), and hope they have an orgasm. When you ask women in the lifestyle why they play it’s about the fun of the hedonistic lifestyle. Things like sexy costumes, feeling powerful by having men look at them with desire, great dinner parties where everyone flirts, those butterflies in your stomach when you get turned on. Men primarily want new partners, new positions, and the feeling of being virile and testing out their skills on someone different.
So when advertising for a couple our advice is to focus on the fun, togetherness and playfulness of the experience. We also suggest that you hint at the overall prowess without bragging. Gentle modesty or even self-deprecating humor is attractive to female partners. Find a tone that is inclusive of both partners, but leave something to the imagination. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve heard from couples that they would prefer to discover what’s under the wrapping for themselves rather than have it described and displayed upfront.
A word about pictures.
We know discretion is critical. Most lifestyle communities are very intermingled. That being said, (rightly or wrongly) the lifestyle can be a bit of a beauty contest. While there are people of a huge range of sizes, shapes, ages, and colors in this game, having a great picture is important. A selfie in the car on the way home from work doesn’t cut it. We explain that in the general dating world a common rule of thumb is that men look better than their pictures and women look worse. Meaning men simply take a picture. Women get their hair, makeup and lighting just right and then have their picture taken. In the lifestyle world, a tasteful but flirty picture is the way to go. Look good. It’s not right that you are being judged, but you are.
Single men
If you are a single man hoping to dip a toe into lifestyle play then we highly recommend the book

    Swingland

by Daniel Stern. It’s the pitfalls, specific stories and experiences of a single man’s few years playing in the lifestyle world without a partner.
If you are advertising for a single man to join you (either alone or with your partner) then you are in a buyer’s market. But finding the right guy to join you isn’t as easy as you think. The truth is that many men are looking for what you can do for them, rather than what they can do for you. (It is also a sad fact but this happens frequently in couples meeting couples too).
These are the nuts and bolts of extra-marital activity that have evolved after talking to couples for decades. It’s a snap shot on trouble shooting what’s going on sexually. But it isn’t the whole story. If you really want to start in this arena and want a guide then send me an email at suem@rogers.com. We can do a skype session.

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Ottawa’s sultry underbelly

Anytime I’m traveling and I mention that I’m a sex therapist from Ottawa I brace myself for the inevitable comments. I have heard the quip that “people from Ottawa don’t have sex” more times than I can count.
The truth is that those of us who call the Nation’s Capital home are far more sexually diverse than it appears on the surface. For example, it turns out that Ottawa has the highest number of burlesque performers per capita than anyplace in North America according to the burlesque directory. Rockalilly burlesque performer Rhapsody Blue says “that with eight active burlesque troops, Ottawa ranks first for our population”. I think that people in Ottawa appear to be buttoned down by day. But when civil servants and lobbyists let their hair down, they are often much less prudish than the rest of the country imagines they are. “Ottawa audiences line up to see glitter, boobs, legs and pasties” she says. Burlesque is sometimes referred to as “feminist stripping”, or “the art of the tease. And “the majority (80%) of the audiences attending burlesque shows are women”, says Kicky Laroux another longtime burlesque performer. Burlesque classes are filled with woman who want to learn how to burlesque dance for their partners privately, finally deal with their body image issues or what Rhapsody calls, “shake their jiggly bits in public.”
Ottawa also has a very active fetish community. Called munches or sloshes, there are weekly gatherings to discuss any and all kinks at restaurants around the city. Ottawa residents can be a kinky lot. Think 50 Shades of Grey only in real life. Psychologically it appears that if you make decisions all day, you tend to be quite sexually submissive. So in a full city of politicians, diplomats, and defense contractors who must behave like grownups during the day, many of these power individuals want to be kneeling before black boots by night. While the Washington DC Dominatrix population is larger, Ottawa more than holds its own in the number of women that will role-play with you for money.
We also have our fair share of couples exploring what is commonly called “The Lifestyle” in and around town. The term swinging may be outdated, but the number of people interested in exploring it is significant and on the rise. While indicating your desire to play by leaving your garage door halfway up is an urban myth, exploring sex with your significant other in non-monogamous ways is one of the most common questions I get these days as a sex therapist. Lifestyle play is most popular with a well-educated, affluent and cosmopolitan population and Ottawa definitely fits that description. Trying to discuss enhancing your intimate relationship by including other people without stepping into minefields is a growing area of sex therapy in our city. There are three active places in the area where couples meet (one opened recently in October) and the murmurs about frequent house parties linger about town if you know where to listen.
Finally, there is the amazing number of $125 fines given out every year by the NCC for having outdoor sex in one of the area’s green spaces. Ottawa has lots of people who are caught making out by the river on their lunch hours. While I encourage getting outside to frolic, I don’t suggest doing it where there are people walking around. NCC spokesman Jean Wolff said, “while the land is accessible to everyone, some people abuse the privilege.”
So next time you get a smirk and comment from your Torontocentric friends about “how Ottawa is the place where the streets roll up at 7 pm”, you can tell them with some authority that Ottawa is simply discreetly sexy.

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Baby Boomers sex and those sexual infections. Prudent or paranoid?

couples1We Baby Boomers are a randy bunch. It turns out that many a Boomers are doing the boom at least a few times a month. Although I am almost a Gen X born at the end of the free love of the 60’s, I have certainly been influenced by my Mother who burned her bra with Betty Freidan and my Dad who discoed up a storm.
It turns out that in the spirit of “love thy Neighbor” has continued to the Boomers who are now 50 plus. And they are doing it without as much latex as they should. They are grown ups, you think they would know better. The number of STI’s (sexually transmitted infections) are up among older adults. It’s something to be worried about yes, but is it an epidemic? There is a place in Central Florida call The Villages that hit the news because their STI percentage rates in people over 60 were up. But The stats are alarmist. The numbers are really cases that went from 5 reported in a year to 9 reported in a year. But with a 40% increase it hit USA today as a story.
The number of reportable STI’s in the entire City of Ottawa in 2010 was 2926. That’s a population of over 1 million people. The number of cases reported in people over the age of 44 was 51.
51 cases over 44 in over 1 million people. Should you be aware – yes. Should the risk of sexual infections keep you up night and prevent you from taking someone new for a test drive, I think if you’re careful -no. However, I’ll let you decide.
“For baby boomers the situation may be a bit more complicated. To begin with, there are physical changes that may increase the risk of infection. As women age, the Student BMJ researchers noted,the thinning of the lining of the vagina and a loss of lubrication make tiny abrasions more likely, creating entry points for viruses. Change in vaginal pH after menopause may also increase risk.”
More and more senior adults are trying online and multiple partner dating and may think that STI’s are something that doesn’t impact them. Add that to the use of Cialis, Viagra and the new Staxyn drugs and you’ve got sex going on longer, and more vigorously later in life (yeah!)
The good news is that there are ways to protect yourself. Here is the steps I advise to anyone having multiple partners.
1. Get the Twinrix Hepatitis A and B vaccine to protect you from 2 of the 3 Hepatitis infections. Hep C is transmitted through blood.
2. Get the Gardasil vaccine. It prevents the HPV virus transmission and the contracting of genital warts and cervical cancer. Even men can get the vaccine so they can prevent the transmission of the virus. Don’t let your physician tell you that men don’t need it. You can assure any potential partners that you are clean of the possibility of warts. And HPV is transmitted by touch so condoms alone won’t prevent the transmission.
3. Get a back up 10 day supply of antibiotics. Doctors are reluctant to just give you some, but many will give you a prescription if you are traveling. If the condom breaks, or you have an unprotected experience you can use a dose of antibiotics to prevent any bacteria based STI like Chlamydia or Gonorrhea.
4. Oral sex and manual sex (hand jobs) are fairly safe provided there is no cold sores or rash present or if there is a foul infectious odor. In any case of bacteria STI’s I have ever seen, there was a smell or rash. A sniff and a check under the hood in bright light means that oral can be done without much risk of transmission.
5. Sorry, but for intercourse, condoms are the only thing that prevents transmission.
Follow the steps, get tested, and be prudent (not paranoid that doesn’t have you leaving the house) and you can be one of those hot, sexy seniors. If you are a hip Boomer (or younger) and want to stay sexy (while not turning into your parents) consider joining the Duckling social group. Sexy but safe is our mission statement.

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How to sleep with lots and lots of women. Hey, variety is the spice of life.

www.sexwithsue.com

Warren Wilt Julio

I had a patient call me who said that "their New Year's Resolution was to sleep with 24 women this year". He wanted to average two new partners a month and wanted my advice on how to accomplish such a feat.  Since I rarely seduce women, I thought he should go to the experts. Fortunately, both Warren Beatty and Julio Iglesias have released biographies that outline their exploits. And who could forget Wilt Chamberlain's claim that he slept with over 20,000 women?

These three are a few of the most famous cocksmen of the last 25 years that came springing to mind.

As Wilt said "he had had sex with approximately 20,000 women. "At my age," he wrote, "that equals out to having sex with 1.2 women a day, every day since I was fifteen years old." Chamberlain's claims ignited a wave of public criticism (and skepticism), to which he responded, "I don't see all this lovemaking as any kind of conquest; all I'm saying is that I like women, people are curious about my sex life, and to most people the number of women who have come and gone through my bedrooms (and various hotel rooms around the country) would boggle the mind."

He apparently didn't have any patented techniques on getting them into the bedroom. I guess being 7 feet tall, a famous basketball star, rich, and being incredibly well endowed was enough. 

Beatty (the subject of Carly Simon's song You're So Vain) "tells us that if he had no more than one partner a night — and often there were several — over a period of say, three and a half decades, from the mid-1950s … to 1991 when he met Annette Bening, and allowing for the stretches when he was with the same woman, more or less we can arrive at a figure of 12,775 women." That's one woman a day for 35 years which my math guy says is a very questionable number. But he did sleep with some highly appealing women such as Madonna, Cher, Julie Christie, Diane Keaton, Leslie Caron, Michelle Phillips, Britt Eklund, Mary Tyler Moore, Natalie Wood … the list goes on.

In a timely article (for my blog at least) Iglesias claimed "he was like a rabbit." The singer added that he had a "superstition, a quirk or whatever, that I couldn't go onstage to sing if I didn't make love first."

I don't think any of these men's techniques can be duplicated by my 24 in '10 guy. Blaik's suggestion is  "that $5,000 will guarantee it this month". (at the average hooker prices of $200 a roll). However, if you are trying not to pay for sex then you need to follow The Formula.  We're writing a book (called, you guessed it The Formula) about how to find your perfect love/sex partner in four months or less. Which will outline the things that women find attractive (like good hygiene, safety, sense of humour, nice smelling, intelligent conversation, and humility), and how to write an ad (and which sites to put it on) that will guarantee you get laid. Barring that, it is one of those over 30 singles events where the women always outnumber the guys. If you can't score in a place like that, then you "really do have two heads". I'm testing it with my wanna be Lethario. We'll see if he can close the deal on 24.

A word about orgies, threesomes and grinding away like a mass of writhing bodies


www.sexwithsue.com
“One or two animals is OK, but three or more is just pretending to be Scottish.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Orgy

“When an orgy comes to an end, weaklings cry, efficient ones instantly find another orgy, and the wise already have an orgy in reserve.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Orgies

So Oscar Wilde seemed to be an afficiado of the above Roman orgies. You know the ones where everyone dives into the pile and looks like the Bears and Browns all piled on top of each other, only usually worse looking, with no clothes on, and involving a bunch more women.  Someone asked me recently if people were still having orgies. I don’t know if it is just a curiousity about finding one, or if orgies are still on the “What’s in this year list” that pops up around new Year’s. Orgies are defined as “a wild gathering involving excessive drinking and promiscuity” (and since I’ve all but given up drinking – as it goes straight to my hips- that leaves us non-drinkers out. Or how about ” orgy – A large, and often lavish, gathering of people for the purpose of having group sex.” Maybe it’s in the definition. The current terms seem to favor “gang bang” (In heterosexual parlance gangbang usually refers to one woman and multiple men),but I’m getting more of the questions when as it relates to “girl only” groups. 

I’ve been reading Zandra Bell who is a comedian who discusses multiple anything sounding exciting.
Like her I believe that menageries a trois are best enjoyed in your mind. In the fantasy world everything flows smoothly, and climaxes simultaneously. This is not real life. The problems occur when you try to translate your erotic images into reality. There are only so many appendages to go with a certain number of orify (that’s the plural), that unless you are a double jointed acrobatic troupe, someone’s dangly bits are going to be left out in the cold.
When we are doing seminars on “what’s new in sex” Blaik and I are often asked about multiple partners. Hey, we’ve been to Hedonism where a “group grope” has been known to break out (if you know where to look). They seem to break out regularly among bi-sexual women, but the true orgy (or key party where you went home with the partner who owned the keys you took out of the basket randomly) seems to happen with people who are extremely comfortable with each other. There are the issues with safety, clean sheets, and who gets to lie in the wet spots. More on this musing as I research for the next book.
Non-Monogamy is in the top three most common questions I see in my practice. If you want to talk about it then I encourage you to book an appointment. I can give you an idea how to dip a toe without screwing up your relationship. Hit me up!

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What's new at Hedonism II in Negril, Jamaica – an updated review March 2009

Minnie We had dinner last week with a group of people wearing an x-rated Minnie Mouse costume, and a Donald the Duck costume that came complete with a feathered appendage. Nobody batted an eye, or did anything more than tweak Minnie’s slightly lopsided ears. The Minnie and Donald in questions were two of over 400 “Fluffernutters” that descended on Hedonism II in Negril

Jamaica
this March.  The theme that night was “naughty Disney”, and if we had ever wondered what Snow White would look if she “drifted” that question was forever answered by another woman wondering by. Snow white

 

How do we explain the happy, but uniqueness that is Hedonism II – the legendary Superclub resort? Forget what you’ve heard, Hedonism II is appropriate for your adults-only, or girls getaway vacation with a relaxed, inclusive crowd comfortable in their own skins. Try it, it is the sensuous vacation that lets you adventure at your own speed.  

 

On arguably one of the best beaches in the

Caribbean
, Hedo II is the safest place to be sexually silly on the planet. By safest we mean that you can have a vacation from tame to completely crazy, without anyone exposing you, pressuring you, to do anything outside your comfort level. An atmosphere of tolerance permeates the grounds.  Along the spectacular beach at Hedo II is a complete ecosystem of sexual culture. And who doesn’t want to be in the know? At least to watch the antics, and to say you had the opportunity to dip your toe in the water? You can spend a week on the “prude side, adjacent, and in view of Sandals Negril reading a book, drinking the famous and frothy “Hummingbird drinks”, in a bathing suit and wrap. If you stay to yourselves on that end of the beach, you might never see and experience anything more daring than the occasional nudist slipping by before a guard hands them a towel.  You can have a vacation free of kids, with great weather and affordable prices and never do anything more risqué than hold hands. As you move down the beach you can go topless (or not), and be slightly more likely to see exposed body parts in various shapes and sizes if you know where to look.  But you need not do anything other than watch the turquoise ocean and see the pelicans flying over head if your idea of sexuality is tied up in sitting quietly with your partner. Finally, as you cross onto the nude side (and the sign warns of no photography- or clothes are permitted), you can see or participate in playful conversation with naked people. The mantra of any native Jamaican you meet is to bang fists with you in greetings, is “Respect”. And respect, without a doubt, is the underlying tone of Hedonism II.

 

Hedonism has had a bad wrap of being nothing but sex, and has been a victim of stories that have become larger than life. It isn’t about single men – the people who have the best time are happily married couples, and single women. We think it is the best place around for couples to reconnect or for women to go to discover her groove. We also think every women should celebrate her divorce, bachelor party, or experience the liberating safety of Hedonism once in her lifetime. Nothing happens that you haven’t invited to happen, and new people (and especially new women) are protected and charmed by a Hedo alumni that have been gathering for 30 plus years.

 Hedo3Such it is with groups like The Fluffernutters. The ‘nutters, like many of the naked travel groups that frequent Hedo II, can be defined as “a travel group that meets bi-annually to drink, sunbath , vacation, and laugh-out loud together. The “fluff’s” makes up x rated songs to popular lyrics in the piano bar every night, plays “capture the flag “ on opposing catamarans – dressed as pirates, and dresses up to giggle at each other. Other groups frequent throughout the year, but we enjoyed hanging around the “fluffs”, who all had hats, t-shirts, and beaded necklaces portraying their names.  We’ve described Hedonism in a previous article, as “Tropical summer camp for grown-ups”, and that description still holds true. There are other groups with names like Go Classy, and the Bubbly Bares, so if you are looking for a community who get it with that twisted sense of humor that appeals to positive people who smile at you with an occasional well meaning leer, than you might love the connections you can make at a place like Hedonism II.

 

Hedonism is the “grand dame” of nude and sensuously tolerant resorts, and had become tired in recent years. This visit however, we saw a number of changes happening that are worth reporting. The first is that Kevin Levee, the General Manager that looked after Hedo II during it’s heyday in the 90’s has returned. He brings along a new Executive Chef, Randie Anderson who trained in

Manhattan
, and was most recently at the Miami Sheraton. We noticed a change in the food from his first day on the job. Without an executive chef for awhile, Hedonism’s food had slipped, but we felt our tummies rumble at the upcoming food choices Randie had proposed in his new menus.  Kevin took the top three guest frustrations, lack of towels, lousy disco music, and too few chairs on the nude side, and fixed them immediately. We see his influence in empowering his staff to help guests where ever they can, and the atmosphere at Hedonism II is humming.  There is the feeling that hedonism II has been neglected and time, attention and resources are going to be thrown her way.  

Super Adventure Sex Clubs – How to have action and sex with 100 of your closest friends

http://lubbockonline.com/stories/020909/loc_386352825.shtml, www.sexwithsue.com www.schoolofsquirting.com, www.solveprematureejaculation.net
Bubbly%20Butts I’m a big believer that everyone (especially women), have a need to congregate and be around like minded people. Community, and that feeling of belonging to a pack runs deep. That’s what church is, frat houses, or groups like the ducklings social group where we drink martini’s, dance naked, and have the most epic hot tub parties you can imagine. Apparently all the rage in a news article this morning is about the Super Adventure Clubs. These are groups of people who come together in a gaggle to do interesting things. Imagine a troop of like-minded people wanting to jump out of planes, go skiing on mountain tops, and scuba interesting places as part of this new trend. This sounds far more interesting than the local chapter of the Chamber of Commerce, or Water Buffalo men’s groups.
I think the trend is here to stay. I for one, spend my time daydreaming about naked adventures (the goal of jumping up and down – see the previous blog about my sagging bust line) on nude beaches worldwide. Apparently I am not alone, and the need to frolic naked with friends you meet for the first time is running rampant. In Ontario there are groups of people that join up to go to Hedonism, Secrets Hideaway, Desire and other sex travel spots. Let the fun times begin as groups of middle aged people do wild and silly things.  It’s the need to have fun and fight aging (and turning into your parents) tooth and nail. The philosophy of the Ducklings reads like this:
We are the Ducklings, a safe community of people who are sexy, sassy, flirty and fun. Our members are awesome people who enjoy getting together to safely flirt, have fun, and expand our knowledge of all things sexy.
We do not allow aggression or drama, and no mean people need apply as being kind is a basic value in our group. While we’re not a dating group, a surprising number of love matches have met at our events. Nor are we a swinger’s group, though some of us are non-monogamous.
We’re a community of people who are not afraid to dip a toe into something new because we’re not alone. It’s way more fun, and far safer, as a community.
Duckling events are designed to be both sexy and fun. We have toured the private dungeon of the city’s best-known Dominatrix and visited a sex club after hours. We’ve taken salsa and polka lessons, learned how to throw an axe (dressed as Vikings to make it more fun), and held a pool party with volunteers providing pedicures and massages.
And we love themed parties with costumes! Our members are half couples (some married more than 30 years) and singles (gay, straight, or “its’ complicated”). We’re primarily over 25 but under 65, with most between 38 and 45. We are firmly in the middle between quiet and gentle, and crazy and wild. We have grown to over 4,000 people on our e-mail list and over 5,000 members on “Meetups” alone.
We pre-screen to make sure new members share our values. Given that our events are safe, the best way to discover if you’ll fit in is to come to a general event. You’ll meet lots of people, and as Ducklings are so friendly, they’re happy to answer questions from newbies.
If you are nervous, arrive 30 minutes early. We’ll be there to welcome you, and will give you a task to help you fit in until you acclimatize. Ducklings love to help so you won’t be the only one.
Please join us for guided, pressure-free, sensuous outings. Referrals and friends are welcome, but they need to agree with our philosophy. Being a Duckling enhances relationships, increases intimacy and builds community.
Wouldn’t you like to be a Duckling, too?

 

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Let the Lifestyle celebrations begin. Tomorrow is International Swingers Day!

Swing Related: www.sexwithsue.com, www.solveprematureejaculation.net, www.internationalswingersday.com

So in case you were wondering what to do tomorrow, it's International Swingers Day, the day for engaging in your run-of-the-mill-Roman or other type orgy. Which means you should invite some friends over, pull out the Oh my Pina Colada lube(oooh it's good), and frolic naked together under the full moon (conveniently arranged for tomorrow). If you don't have like minded friends who are sane and open to sharing latexed body fluids, try having a look at kijiji or Craig's list and join a party already in play. They have a site www.internationalswingersday.com, that have been counting down this day for over a year, and offer up a list of attractions. Crazy huh? 

What does this mean to the average person who only sees swinging activities on late night HBO documentaries? Is it the world going to Hell in a handbasket? In my opinion, it  is another inclination of how mainstream alternative sexualities are getting. No longer relegated to the backrooms of sleezy clubs, there are parties where sex is a normal adult play activity  that break out amidst the cocktail wienies and work discussion. And these parties are happening  in a neighborhood near you (if the personal ads are to be believed). I'm planning on having a quiet day with my sweetie (and it's also one of my best friend's birthday - and you are wearing it well Sharon…), but I wanted to acknowledge it if you are looking for an excuse to celebrate a national day that you can really sink your teeth (or other protruding parts) into. Enjoy.Swing1

Swing-aphobia – the fear that an orgy will break out in a hot tub near you

I’m catching up on my email after the holiday hiatus, and am noticing that I’m getting more questions than usual about the issue of threesomes and swinging.  More and more people seem to be curious. Known as “The Lifestyle”, swinging, swapping, or anything that includes one or more people into sexual play with you and your partner.  This ranges anywhere from light touches to the “full swing” of complete penetration, and evening partner swapping. The stereotype of dropping your keys into a basket by the door, and going home with whomever picks them up, or of wild orgies the minute you enter lifestyle domain, went out of style with lava lamps and wide bottoms, or only exist with the small, very extreme end of the spectrum.
Having filmed a number of the “adult only lifestyle clubs” in Canada for my television series, and having toured clubs, resorts, and participated in workshops for the radio show, what I understand is that participants of  The Lifestyle look like you and I (from 20’s to 60’s with most from 35 to 55), are better educated, with more money than average, and on the whole, have better relationships.
“What you say?” Yup, ordinary people, who love their spouses, who are open minded, understand that sex is adult play, and have clear rules and open communication about what happens when they play.
The etiquette of swinging seems to be universal and quite rigid. It’s almost always couples (except for a some that let in non-predatory single women), No, absolutely means No, conversation happens like in any social situation, there are no visible drugs or falling down drunks, no male on male or anal sex, and most of the women are at least bi-curious, and interested in the possibilities of girl on girl massage and touch. And normal social rules apply. Nobody jumps you, touches you inappropriately unless you invite it overtly, or tries to steal your partner.  Condoms are left on every flat surface, and you are expected to use them. Rude people are universally shunned or asked to leave. If you break the rules you are asked to leave, and won’t be welcome back. You have to give your real name in confidence, and are expected to respect the confidences of other people present.
In Canada, private, consenting group sexual activity on private property is considered legal after the Supreme Court of Canada ruled on a Montreal based club that had been raided didn’t fall under the criminal code and was deemed unwarranted harassment by the highest court in the land. And the police across the country got the message clearly that the state really has ” no business in the bedrooms of the nation”, unless there was abuse or money was changing hands.
Each country is different, but as the North American culture becomes more open, and more and more people are trying to figure out how to keep a relationship that can last up to 60 odd years hot and interesting sexually, the Lifestyle play ( in the nicest possible way of course) is soliciting more and more interest.
For many years I’ve been talking about the “in-between space” between swingers and your parent’s bridge club.  There were this group of under served adults who wanted to be sexy but safe.  So along with my husband we started the Ducklings- a social group for the safe, fun, happy, friends, but non-aggressive people in the middle. We now have 5 chapters. Maybe there is one near you or you can travel with us. Check out the Ducks.

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An affair by any other name

I’ve been seeing a bunch of patients who are having affairs. For some people it’s not a bad option – the guys I see who’s wives no longer give it to them and are going to spontaneously combust walking down the street, for those men an affair is a life saver.  You have to get somewhere, and it’s safer and cheaper than paying for it.  If you think someone isn’t getting sex, you are probably wrong. Every time the Durex Sex Survey is run, over 85% of men surveyed say they would have an affair if they knew they wouldn’t get caught. I firmly believe that men are biologically attracted newness and will usually slip when tempted.  Blame their biology.  I think it’s harder than you think to fight 10,000 million years of evolution. If you are looking to cheat – try  Ashley Madison, the dating site for those already attached…. I think it’s so very much safer than falling in love with a co-worker. But i would encourage you to look at my course on ethical non-monogamy. This is the place where you can discover the way to be transparent and  get your needs met without sneaking around or screwing up your relationship.
Before you get mad ad say I’m encouraging cheating, in my experience there are many people for whom monogamy doesn’t work, and that safe, discreet, intimacy is a viable option. Being the child of divorce, I think inconsequential sex is better than breaking up families.
Anyway, my point today was in saying that despite all the information, many of my friends, patients or callers think their married lover is going to leave their wife. Just for the record, less than 10% EVER leave the wife. Don’t expect it if you are cheating. When you are ready let’s talk about swinging, poly, hall passes or other ways you can be upfront about wanting to step out.
The Flanders Panel, the great novel by the Spanish author Arturo Perez-Reverte has a fabulous quote about married men.  ” In the end my dear, a married man invariably finds in favour of his legal wife.  All those years of washing underpants and giving birth always prove to be the deciding factor.  It’s just the way they’re made. Deep down they’re sickening loyal. The bastards.”
I couldn’t say it any plainer,  so adulterers take heart.

threesomes and adventures in the fifth date rule"

The media seems to imply (at least according to my friend D), that everyone is having threesomes…. Watching the weddingcrashers I love Will Ferrell, Wedding_crashers and my favourite scene is where he is trying to propose, saying “let’s take our relationship to the next level”, and she says sure, how about a threesome with the two Brazilian girls we met”…
The novel I was reading yesterday (brain candy, but well written brain candy) talked about the 5 date rule.  You are dating someone and at the five date mark, no matter how the relationship is going, the guy asks how you happen to feel about threesome?  What do you do?  How likely is this going to happen, and are men really thinking this?  The girl character in the book, says, “Yeah, I love threesomes, I especially get hot when the two guys start kissing…”  So according to phone sex survey’s about the most popular phone sex fantasies for men, sex with two women (and then 3 women and 4 women and so on) are right up there (followed by anal sex, light S&M bondage, MILF’s – older women, and girls in strapons round out the top 5), so yeah your guy is probably fantasizing about it.  Asking about it on the 5th date – unless you met on adult friend finder.com, I would suggest you run.
I’m writing a book on non-monogamy and it has the steps you can take to open up your relationship gently without hitting landmines. Duckling dating the Social group I run has an area to meet others interested in non-monogamy with grace and integrity. Check it out.