, ,

Hottest sex trends you can expect to see in 2023

It’s the start of a new year and time to explore the latest and hottest sex trends for 2021. From ethical non-monogamy to pegging to vibrators made from recyclable materials, here’s what you should know about the upcoming year in sex.

Ethical non-monogamy is rising in popularity, as more and more people are beginning to explore the idea that their attitudes to non-monogamy may have been shaped by societal expectations rather than innate biological needs. It’s not for everyone, but it’s worth exploring what it means to you as a part of your sexual adventure.

Ethical Non-Monogamy

Sexual Adventures

Sexual adventures are an important part of exploring one’s sexual identity. Women are in particular showing an increased interest in researching and exploring new opportunities, and men can join in too! Sex and disability awareness is also rising, as the world slowly becomes more open to the idea of adaptive technology and its potential benefits.

Environmentally Friendly Sex Toys

This is an area of sexual wellness which is becoming more inclusive and diverse. We are seeing more sex toys made from recyclable materials such as metal, glass, and bamboo. Hetero-flexibility is also beginning to emerge in swing set environments, with bisexual men being increasingly visible.

Sex Toys

Pegging is becoming more popular, with toys available to make it easier and more accessible for everyone to enjoy. Similarly, environmentally friendly materials are making sex toy experimentation more pleasurable and less wasteful.

Conclusion

These are just some of the trends you can look out for in 2021 as it relates to sex. It’s important to remain open minded and remember that ultimately your attitudes to sex are in your control, so never be afraid to explore different ways of experience pleasure if it’s something you are interested in.

, , ,

Is infidelity actually a wake-up call for relationships?

There is a great quote from Esther Perel (the Sex Therapist’s Sex Therapist about infidelity.”Perel takes a very stern line on what she sees as the excessive sense of entitlement that contemporary couples bring to their relationships. Their outsized expectations of what marriage can and should provide—perpetual excitement, comfort, sexual bliss, intellectual stimulus, and so on—together with their callow, “consumerist” approach to romantic choices, leave them ill-equipped to cope with the inevitable frustrations and longueurs of the long haul. They are too quick to look elsewhere the moment that their “needs aren’t being met,” and too ready to despair the moment that the promise of sexual loyalty is broken. Those who show willingness to forgive infidelity risk being chastised by friends and relatives for their lack of gumption. Women, Perel notes, are under particular pressure these days to leave cheating spouses as a mark of their feminist “self-respect.”

I remember hearing her speak in Ottawa at the JCC about needing a more compassionate approach to outside liaisons. I agree with her wholeheartedly. Infidelity is often a wakeup call and a chance to reinvent your relationship. Rather than the “you are bad finger pointing, we need to look at the why’s & how this can be a vehicle for open discussion.

The article in the New Yorker goes on to say this about where people are in the reflections on relationships.

“Surprisingly, perhaps, our increasingly licentious behavior has not been reflected in more tolerant public attitudes toward infidelity. While we’ve become considerably more relaxed about premarital sex, gay sex, and interracial sex, our disapproval of extramarital sex has been largely unaffected by our growing propensity to engage in it. We are eating forbidden apples more hungrily than ever, but we slap ourselves with every bite. According to a 2017 Gallup poll, Americans deplore adultery (which is still illegal in some two dozen states and still included among the crimes of “moral turpitude” that can justify denial of citizenship) at much higher rates than they do abortion, animal testing, or euthanasia.”

So is stepping out something that only a few people do? A recent survey from Ashley Madison (the site for infidelity) based out of Toronto has this to say. I know the Ashley Madison site as they used to sponsor my radio show & I attended a Christmas party & had regular meetings with the CEO at the time. He saw that 35% of people on traditional dating sites were married so he started a site to address those 35%. Whatever your feelings about stepping out on your relationship you are not alone.

“Seventy-nine percent of cheaters are against divorcing their partner, and their main motivations to cheat rather than leave include loving them too much (46%), not wanting to make things hard for their kids (19%), and not being able to financially afford it (17%). In fact, cheaters would feel more selfish (58%) and more guilty (67%) getting a divorce than continuing to cheat.

What best describes how you’d feel if your primary relationship ended?

I would feel like a failure

18%

I would feel like a disappointment

18%

I would feel lonely

17%

 

“At 24, I married my husband, and we have been together for 30 years,” says one female Ashley Madison member. “In terms of sex, I’m more adventurous and have a higher sex drive than my husband. My husband views sex as a service, and I see it as integral to my well-being. I can’t imagine having sex with one person – it simply makes no sense. As a society, we ask too much of one person, so I see cheating as a way to stay married. Ultimately, I’m looking for the cherry on top, not the whole sundae.”

What I see in my practice is the need to stop shoving things under the carpet. As I tell my patients ” I am in the needs business”. What I often talk to clients about is non-monogamy, monogamish, hall passes or anything that might save conventional relationships while meeting needs. I teach a class on this around North America that has given couples the tools & communication skills to step outside of conventional norms. Either alone or together. My Ducklings Social group and Duckling dating has articles that might help.

Find out more or let’s book an appointment to talk about what’s going on in your relationship.

, , ,

Non-Monogamy class November 2021. Join in!

Non-Monogamy class Fall 2021

Wednesday’s from 7 to 9 pm.

Nov 24, Dec 1, Dec 8

Zoom link is attached.

 

This is the course everyone who is dipping a toe in (or diving headlong into) non-monogamy needs to take! This is the tight, informative, interactive workshop lead by Canada’s leading non-monogamy expert. It includes a copy of the workbook the Suburban Hedonist, lots of resources & handouts and a chance to really understand the world of open relationships.

You can read definitions online of what swinging, or polyamory might be outlined as. But what do they really mean?
This course is like being in the best class you have ever attended where everyone has read the book and participated. Read below for details.

The non-monogamous clients tend to be couples in long-term relationships who don’t want to split up but are desperate for more or different sexual experiences and partners. Or singles who know that traditional monogamy hasn’t worked for them. And there is no one-size fits all.

Examples of non-monogamy can be:
~Living with a third (or triad) and how do you deal with that?
~Two couples connecting with each other (quad)
~Heterosexual couple Bringing in an extra male (hot wife)
~Swing clubs where everything from gentle touching on the dance floor to full blown orgies (and everything in between) happens
~Polyamorous. Means to love more than one person. But can be someone who is married and has a girlfriend/boyfriend or more.
~Alternative relationships in all kinds of ways. Asexual while one partner has other sexual interactions, monogamous but in different cities.
~One relationship two dwellings. Or having their own dedicated space within a dwelling.
~Friend with benefits for an occasional hook up
~periodic hall passes.
~Group family or commune.

And so many more examples.
Trying to navigate it is hard. Consider joining us. It’s the tool kit for managing non-monogamy without blowing your relationship up.

Every Wednesday for 3 weeks from 7 to 8:30 pm.
Cost is $225/couple/single for non-Duckling members, or a mere $100 for paid Duckling members. Membership has it’s privileges.

1. Intros, purpose of workshop, specific models of non-monogamy, ways of finding one’s own voice.

2. Specifics of sharing, Jealousy (Swing, poly and other non-monogamous forms). Rules, what works, contracts etc. Non-Monogamy checklist. What is the wish lists and deal breakers

3. What do you need/want. How do you negotiate that? How do you ask for it and how do you find it? Sharing and tools for understanding boundaries.

4. Group discussion about finding potential partners. A chance to practice skills and role play in a safe way. Stories about successful (and not-so-successful) models of play.

An informal social has happened in the past with the group and will be organized later following the completion of the workshop.

etransfer to ducklings.payment@gmail.com

,

Non-Monogamy 4 week online workshop . Avoid the landmines, communicate & connect

This is the course everyone who is dipping a toe in (or diving headlong into) non-monogamy needs to take! This is the tight, informative, interactive workshop lead by Canada’s leading non-monogamy expert. It includes a copy of the workbook the Suburban Hedonist, lots of resources & handouts and a chance to really understand the world of open relationships.

You can read definitions online of what swinging, or polyamory might be outlined as. But what do they really mean?
This course is like being in the best class you have ever attended where everyone has read the book and participated. Read below for details.

The non-monogamous clients tend to be couples in long-term relationships who don’t want to split up but are desperate for more or different sexual experiences and partners. Or singles who know that traditional monogamy hasn’t worked for them. And there is no one-size fits all.

Examples of non-monogamy can be:
~Living with a third (or triad) and how do you deal with that?
~Two couples connecting with each other (quad)
~Heterosexual couple Bringing in an extra male (hot wife)
~Swing clubs where everything from gentle touching on the dance floor to full blown orgies (and everything in between) happens
~Polyamorous. Means to love more than one person. But can be someone who is married and has a girlfriend/boyfriend or more.
~Alternative relationships in all kinds of ways. Asexual while one partner has other sexual interactions, monogamous but in different cities.
~One relationship two dwellings. Or having their own dedicated space within a dwelling.
~Friend with benefits for an occasional hook up
~periodic hall passes.
~Group family or commune.

And so many more examples.
Trying to navigate it is hard. Consider joining us. It’s the tool kit for managing non-monogamy without blowing your relationship up.

Every Thursday from Feb 11th forward from 7 to 8:30 pm.
Cost is $225/couple/single for non-Duckling members, or a mere $60 for paid Duckling members. Membership has it’s privileges.

1. Intros, purpose of workshop, specific models of non-monogamy, ways of finding one’s own voice.

2. Specifics of sharing, Jealousy (Swing, poly and other non-monogamous forms). Rules, what works, contracts etc. Non-Monogamy checklist. What is the wish lists and deal breakers

3. What do you need/want. How do you negotiate that? How do you ask for it and how do you find it? Sharing and tools for understanding boundaries.

4. Group discussion about finding potential partners. A chance to practice skills and role play in a safe way. Stories about successful (and not-so-successful) models of play.

An informal social has happened in the past with the group and will be organized later following the completion of the workshop.

etransfer to suem@rogers.com or on the wearetheducklings.com site

, , ,

A men's group on Non-Monogamy, men's health with laughter and scotch may be exactly what the Therapist ordered.


I make sure I’m out Tuesday night. It’s the Men’s group and scotch tasting in my house (run by my husband Blaik) and it’s full of hot men talking about women and finding their own masculine process. Apparently much of it is done through laughter, soul searching, and no-bullshit direct feedback. It runs both in person and VIRTUALLY by messenger.
It’s been magic to watch. When I come home even 30 minutes after the three hour evening has ended there is still half the group hanging out and finishing discussions. I feel like the kid sister and while the guys are polite, they really want to talk to each other. And I don’t have a penis.
They have covered topics such as;
-What is sexy
-How to communicate with women (and each other)
-Models of relationships. Poly, multiple loves and juggling partners
-How to get out of the friend zone
-Being your authentic self
-What women wish men would know
-The target of being a stand up guy
-Men chase, women choose. The science of love
-Upping your man game
-Your image and identity
-Toxic masculinity and mutual respect
and more….
It turns out there are a few studies that say that joining a men’s group is one of the the top 5 things men can do for their health and longevity. Finding friends that get it and allowing yourself to be heard is invaluable. The men are all ages, and everyone has a story.
Here is the recent list from the Good Men’s Project about what you get out of a men’s group.
Here are 6 reasons why you must join a Men’s Group today:
You can’t see your own blind spots
The masculine grows through challenge and feedback
Support when times get tough
Find like-minded friends
Improves Intimate relationships. Understand Women
Loneliness is dangerous
If you are a man who lives in Ottawa and are around on a Tuesday night consider joining the men’s group and scotch tasting. You don’t have to drink scotch but you do have to want to join in to the coolest group around. Send Blaik an email at bdspratt@gmail.com. $25 a week (4 week minimum). It’s friends, scotch, fun, stories, community, therapy and a night to just be yourself. Be the man you want to be. And the women in your life will love you for it.

, , ,

Gonnorhea, HPV, Herpes and other nasties you need to prevent if you are swinging.

Where I come from there has been sex education taught in the schools for over 40 years. Often taught by gym teachers who would rather be doing anything else then discussing Fallopian tubes and dealing with “the smell of puberty in the morning” but accurate details about STI’s have long been in the public domain. And yet many adults have no idea that the four non-curable sex infections, and that you can get things like penile cancer from a STI or that gonnorhea can live in your throat. STI’s for many people remain a mystery they simply pray to avoid.
Given the global reach of the Covid-19 pandemic we are all far more sensitive to the impact of invisible viruses and bacteria on our health. And the worry that connecting with someone might kill us. It can be especially scary if you want to play or swing outside of your relationship. Swingers or other non-monogamous people have a vested interest in being safe and sexy. Anyone dating – especially if you are a bit of a germaphobe- may stop you from venturing out to get your sexual needs met. But there is still a huge about of mis-information about swinging and sti’s. In a time of great uncertainty and anxiety about the global pandemic there is also a need for prudent, balanced facts about our communal health. That includes Sexually transmitted infections. The early (and albeit not 100% proven) news about Covid-19 is that if there is no kissing or exchange of breath and mouth droplets the pandemic virus isn’t transmitted sexually. But as well trained as I am about in the area of sexual health I wouldn’t chance it right now with a stranger casually.
So what about the STI’s that have been in our bodies for decades now? It may be time to re-visit how to best prevent getting those infections. I was too young to date during the beginning of the AIDS outbreak in the early 80’s when they didn’t know exactly how you could contract it but it did have the swinging 70’s move to “leave it to Beaver” in a few short years. HIV and Aids had us all scared for awhile.
A few months ago my husband and I did a talk at the largest swinger/lifestyle convention in Canada (VIN). While there were condoms everywhere there was certainly indiscriminate play in the hot tubs and playrooms around the convention hall. We fielded more than a few questions about sexual infections. Few of the people we spoke to had their garnacil (for the HPV and genital warts virus) or twinrix (for Hepatitis) vaccines. And most of the couples we spoke to didn’t use condoms for oral play. Even when STI’s like Chlamydia and Gonnorhea can live in your mouth. Few of the people we had spoken to seemed to be concerned.
As the Popular Science article summed up beautifully.
“Why is this important? Well, a lot of people assume STIs are gross—thanks, society—and part of that stigma is a misconception that all STIs produce gnarly and horrific symptoms. In reality, this is pretty rare! Herpes, for instance, is asymptomatic in almost everyone who has it, and gonorrhea and chlamydia can also infiltrate your body’s defenses without making much fuss. They can even go away on their own, but the problem is that they don’t always do so.
That means that you should not wait for an outbreak of oozing sores before getting tested for STIs. If you’re sexually active—and we’re talking about any kind of sex—you need to get tested two to three times a year.
A mucus membrane is a mucus membrane. STIs, like all infections, are caused by viral, bacterial, or fungal microbes. While many of these infections have particular parts of the body they’ve evolved to thrive in, most of them aren’t too picky. The risks vary between diseases—a 2016 article from the San Francisco AIDS Foundation really hammers home the message that the bacteria Neisseria gonorrhoeae will take any opportunity to hop off your skin and onto someone else’s, but not all STIs are this industrious.
This doesn’t mean you should spend your next date in a hazmat suit. The solution is actually really simple.
Get tested.”
The challenge of this time is to walk the line between prudent and paranoid. And while I am locked away in quarantine doing my part to stop the global pandemic I will admit having a few eye rolling moments. Some intakes of breath when the American President dismissed the risk of Covid-19 and some exasperation of the exaggerated numbers and banning of even the solo sitting on a park bench. And at a time when we need connection more than ever it’s important to get the facts and get tested. My $500 four week program to help you find a partner (or partners) includes a discussion on the latest facts about sti’s. And during this time of
health uncertainly facts and clear science are what we need most of all.

, ,

It threesome's becoming the new thing that everyone is trying? The short answer is yes.

People come to see a Sex Therapist when something doesn’t work well between the sheets. Or if there is something they want to try but don’t know how to get started. The fantasy about two women
“In the new book by sociologist Dr Ryan Scoats of Birmingham City University reveals the reasons why people choose to have threesomes, the factors that make it more likely for threesomes to happen, and how this sexual behaviour reflects today’s society.
The book, titled Understanding Threesomes: Gender, Sex, and Consensual Non-Monogamy, is the first in-depth study into threesomes in over 30 years. It examines the many motivations behind having a threesome, from ticking it off a ‘bucket list’ and exploring sexuality to settling psychological ‘debts’ and as a means of realising sex with a particular person who may be otherwise unavailable.
The research showed that women more often than men engage in threesomes as a ‘safe’ way to explore their sexuality, in part because it was deemed ‘safer’ than simply approaching other women.
However, some participants, particularly bisexual women, reported actively avoiding threesomes in which a heterosexual couple was exploring their sexuality, rejecting the suggestion that their involvement should be to fulfil a heterosexual couple’s desires.
Others explained that engaging in threesomes helped couples to settle psychological ‘debts’, for example, one participant reported cheating on her husband and engaging in a threesome. She later repeated the threesome with her husband, to settle the ‘debt’ of infidelity.
Similarly, for heterosexual couples where the woman had engaged in a threesome with another woman and her male partner, male participants reported offering to ‘return the favour’ by having a threesome involving the heterosexual couple and another man.
Others reported ‘sexual altruism’ saying that they engaged in threesomes to please their partners and satisfy and particular sexual fantasy or desire, despite not directly gaining pleasure from the experience themselves.
Scoats concluded that threesomes may be becoming more common as societal expectations of sex and monogamy become more liberal. He explained: “This is the first in-depth research into threesomes since 1988, it is an under-researched area.
“As society becomes more liberal, more open to different sexual behaviours and relationships, the stigma around threesomes is gradually reducing, although many may not feel they can openly discuss their threesome experiences.”
I’ve written a book on non-monogamy called The Suburban Hedonist. I teach a course on Ethical non-monogamy and I am a leading therapist on the subject. If you are hitting landmine’s then let’s talk. I can get you in this week.  I also run a supportive date night group with a non-monogamy dating component. Read more

,

Why words like mistress, and cheating are on their way out. The language of Non-Monogamy

Non-Monogamy is rapidly moving up the list of most common topics I see in my office. The culture of sexual openness is advancing quickly it seems. More and more people are asking me about swinging, polyamory, and ethical non-monogamy in my office. People struggle to find Clinical information about a topic that has only been in our repertoire for a short time. There hasn’t had time to develop words bout non-monogamy to describe them sufficiently.
I posted an article about the case for new erotic language on our wearetheducklings Facebook group and the discussion was vibrant. We need to develop new language. And some of it is evolving. Words like compursion ( excited for your partner’s happiness about playing/loving someone else), and metamour – your partner’s partner. These are considered commonplace in the non-monogamy communities and are part of the lexicon to those who follow these discussions.
But we were still struggling. We had a conversation about new non-monogamy words in our wearetheducklings .com closed
“We use words like Wally’s and Vinny’s. Wally’s are the guys who stare and are super creepy (think of THAT guy in the back of obsession). Vinny’s are guys who think they are God’s gift to women and come off as jerks – I guess similar to McBains. There is also SAM’s – Single awesome male who knows how to go to a lifestyle party and not be one of these guys.”
A McBain (from the Simpson’s) is someone who talks up your partner with no respect for the relationship. “To be McBained. Imagine you and I are talking and someone decides to barge in, places his back to you and cuts you out completely and physically out of the conversation to start making time with me. No regard for anyone else (either you or me), just regard for himself. Can be a woman doing this too.”
Pool hugs – Pool hugs is just a happy group of us, with or without clothes, just hugging, loving (not sexually) one another. Think of a bunch of us in the pool doing this.
Erotic language has at time been challenging. Slut shaming vs. owning the word, being marginalized as a mistress (a woman you have an affair with) vs a Mistress (a dominate woman) and you can understand the confusion.
There is a great quote about sex and language in the blog The Case for new erotic language by D Saah
“I often wonder how different my early sexual experiences would’ve been if the words, advice, and conversations about sex sounded more like:
“Masturbation is a great way to bring yourself pleasure and learn your body.”
“If penetration hurts, do something else that makes you feel good.”
“It’s okay to use lube!”
“Communicate and negotiate with others about the things you want to experience and your boundaries.”
“Your pussy deserves to be licked.”
As Kid Fury and Crissle often say, “words mean things” and currently the words we use to describe the kind of sexual experiences we have are insufficient and quite frankly outdated.”
I wholeheartedly agree. Where are the linguists in our culture who can cunningly design some new words? We sure need more of that. Smile.

, , ,

What women find sexy. And suggestions if you are struggling to attract women

 

 

 

 

It’s been amazing to watch the guys in the men’s group change. From awkward, bitter and confused about women to being coached by other guys to success. As Blaik says “the group is 25% education, 50% genuine sharing, and another 25% doubled-over in laughter”.

It’s hard to figure women out if you don’t have a bossy older sister like me or other guys to clearly (and in guy-speak) tell you what to do and where you went wrong. As the saying goes, “the masculine is defined by dialogue, challenge and feedback”.

I’m adding the new list coming out of the research on “what women find sexy about men”. If you are looking for coaching Blaik or I can help one-on one, or consider joining the Tuesday night men’s group.

“Huge dicks, in my experience, tend to be attached to huge dicks who have no idea what to do with them”
Leadership skills

Things women find hot….
Stubble- the masculine bad boy thing
Humour!!!!!
Show us you do altruistic things
Pictures with dog, guitars, and cool cars attract women online
Play hard to get. Neediness is the #1 turn off
In one speed-dating experiment, women were more attracted to men who were mindful — present, attentive, and nonjudgmental.
Wear red. It works for both men and women
Take small risks – start a fire, fly a glider, scuba dive etc.
Show that you have a Busy life
Be Passionate about something. Save the river, cuddle alpacas
Cool socks???? It came up on every study. Add it to your Xmas list
Smells nice. Find a cologne that speaks to you and wear a small amount every day
Own your flaws. Know that you suck at volleyball. Or whatever
All women are looking for adventure. Small road trips, activities that are somehow adventurous.
Roll up your sleeves to your forearms.
Have male friends and be a good friend to your buddies

I strongly encourage you to consider the men’s group and scotch tasting. Either virtually or in person. It’s real, funny, relevant, warm and connected. And Blaik hits it out of the park. Find out more and join in. Less than $25 a week of outstanding therapy, information and connection.

, , ,

An affair by any other name

I’ve been seeing a bunch of patients who are having affairs. For some people it’s not a bad option – the guys I see who’s wives no longer give it to them and are going to spontaneously combust walking down the street, for those men an affair is a life saver.  You have to get somewhere, and it’s safer and cheaper than paying for it.  If you think someone isn’t getting sex, you are probably wrong. Every time the Durex Sex Survey is run, over 85% of men surveyed say they would have an affair if they knew they wouldn’t get caught. I firmly believe that men are biologically attracted newness and will usually slip when tempted.  Blame their biology.  I think it’s harder than you think to fight 10,000 million years of evolution. If you are looking to cheat – try  Ashley Madison, the dating site for those already attached…. I think it’s so very much safer than falling in love with a co-worker. But i would encourage you to look at my course on ethical non-monogamy. This is the place where you can discover the way to be transparent and  get your needs met without sneaking around or screwing up your relationship.
Before you get mad ad say I’m encouraging cheating, in my experience there are many people for whom monogamy doesn’t work, and that safe, discreet, intimacy is a viable option. Being the child of divorce, I think inconsequential sex is better than breaking up families.
Anyway, my point today was in saying that despite all the information, many of my friends, patients or callers think their married lover is going to leave their wife. Just for the record, less than 10% EVER leave the wife. Don’t expect it if you are cheating. When you are ready let’s talk about swinging, poly, hall passes or other ways you can be upfront about wanting to step out.
The Flanders Panel, the great novel by the Spanish author Arturo Perez-Reverte has a fabulous quote about married men.  ” In the end my dear, a married man invariably finds in favour of his legal wife.  All those years of washing underpants and giving birth always prove to be the deciding factor.  It’s just the way they’re made. Deep down they’re sickening loyal. The bastards.”
I couldn’t say it any plainer,  so adulterers take heart.