It’s called the 7 dwarf’s of menopause. Itchy, bitchy, dopey, sleepy, leaky, achy and all dried up. It turns out that the all dried up part is really the first sign that peri-menopause is well established and you are traveling down the yellow brick road to full-on menopause.
Other symptoms include memory change, depression, insomnia, low energy, bladder control issues (peeing when you cough), dry mouth, aches and pains, and poor quality of sleep.
So what’s a girl to do?
A great lube helps. I like the silcone extra-slippery that doesn’t break down like a water based lube. A little Replens or other long-term adhering lubricant also helps. But the truth is you may need more than that.
Here are the rules beyond lube.
1. Masturbate when your body tells you to. It’s like a sneeze, it cleans out the vaginal cavity that regular discharge used to do. It’s even more important for those tissues as you get closer to menopause.
2. Find out your hormonal blood levels. Here is the list of test I usually request that gives me a starting point.:
Estrodiol
Estrone
FSH
Progesterone
DHEA-5
Testosterone
Free Testosterone
Cortisol AM
3. Decrease the carbs (especially the refined sugars) and increase the protein in your diet.
4. Get some liquid, green chlorophyl from the health food store. It will balance your PH levels and clean out your hoo-hoo.
5. Finally, call your doctor and don’t take no for an answer. It really won’t get better on its own, and if your progesterone and estrogen dip too low then you also will start having problems orgasming. Gasp! I know, that would have me pounding my head into a wall. If you need some help, I’ll see you in person, or by skype and will make a difference within three sessions.
One of the big perks of being a media shrink are the book review copies I get sent to me. Interesting new reads that come out just magically appear in my office mail compliments of all the mainstream publishers. It’s like Christmas. And I devour all the new material in the area of sex, relationships, intimacy and health. Given my lifelong struggles to keep my figure from blowing up and resembling the Micheline Man, I am always looking for new insights in the field of diet and weight management. So, without exaggeration I can honestly say that I have read 40% of all of the new health/weight loss books put out by major publishers in the last few years.
These books all have seem to have a sameness about them. I’m always excited to get a book with with new insights, or new information. So I was so happy to read Haylie Pomroy’s, The Fast Metabolism Diet. Pomroy a young, hip, California celebrity nutritionist has had fantastic results with her plan that claims to “lose 28 pounds in 28 days” healthy weight loss plan. Pomroy has had incredible word-of-mouth results because hers works. She’s even had the King of Jordan fly in for a consultation. What’s interesting to me is that she aims to heal wounded and broken metabolisms and in doing so can heat up other aspects of overall health. Including…your libido.
She outlines five tips that seem to work. I’m heading into week 3 of my 28 days and I’m down close to 10 pounds. If I continue to lose, I’ll start posting pictures of my svelte new body. Her information works in conjunction with my Libido Diet (which I use supplements and brainwashing to find your sexy self). The basic premise works on ways to stoke up your internal furnace.
Here are the 5 steps that my Libido Diet and Pomroy’s Fast Metabolism kick-start have in common. Get on them, get skinny and find your inner sex tiger/tigress.
1. No dairy, no breads, no peanuts, no rice, no sweets. No exceptions.
2. Eat 5 times a day. Even if you don’t feel hungry. You need fuel to keep the furnace burning.
3. Pomroy ‘s plan follows a 2 day moderate protein, moderate carbs, no fat. 2 days of no fat, no carbs but lots of meat and veggies, and 3 days of good quality fats (like nuts), low carbs (like beans and steel cut oats) and lots of fiber.
4. The Fast Metabolism Diet has you doing only moderate exercise for brief periods 3 times a week.
5. No wheat, corn, soy, no alcohol, no refined sugars, eat within 30 minutes of waking, eat every 3-4 hours when awake.
It sounds draconian but I admit to losing weight quickly. You need to stay the distance over 28 days. What’s interesting to me as a sex therapist is that if you rev your weight loss engine, your ‘hello Sailor” engine increases too. Start thinking of your body in one way and it will have added benefits. It’s time to look fabulous and feel sexy. Drop me a line and I’ll plug you into the group of us who are re-shaping our bodies and kick-starting our libidos.
If you are struggling with body image issues and weight I can help. I was 400 pounds at my heaviest and I’ve managed to lose and keep over 200 pounds off. I understand the struggle with food and self worth. Especially as it relates to libido. Let’s talk about it. Book an appointment today.
So what do you know about your thyroid? It’s that butterfly shaped gland at the base of your throat that acts like a thermostat to your metabolism and heat regulator. It turns out that Thyroid disease affects 1 in 5 women, and 1 in 10 men, yet over half of the people with thyroid disease is undiagnosed. I’m always saying that sex is your early warning system. Libido is the first thing that goes when your health is compromised.
I’ve been blogging about hormones, lists of fun and sexy things to do and all the latest aphrodisiacs that make you want to get sweaty in bed.
It turns out that often the sexual sluggishness is related to thyroid. I’ve been guilty of missing it as well. The symptoms of thyroid imbalance can often be mistaken for something else. So if you are feeling sluggish, you might want to consider a thyroid test. The problem is that most physicians only test for TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone), and not the levels of T3, T4, and RT3 which blocks the uptake of thyroid response. I’m not trying to geek out describing lab work but I do think it’s important to ask the right questions. Everyone should be the absolute expert in their own bodies.
So here are some of the symptoms of a thyroid imbalance:
Course hair, dry skin, cold all the time, constipation, fatigue, low sex drive, heavy menstrual bleeding, PMS, infertility, difficulty losing weight, and thick skin and fingernails.
Not suggesting that you shouldn’t see your doctor, but there are some natural thyroid products that contain T3 and T4. Your doctor can prescribe a more potent hormone. I just have seen (many more cases lately than ever before) thyroid imbalances as the root cause of low libido. And there can be an immediate improvement. Get yours tested. Ask what your number was. If its 3.8 or less, than you should be asking your doctor about possible treatments that work for you. It’s not okay to not have a sex drive. A Thyroid imbalance may be one of the answers. I have a list of blood work (both male and female) I can send you. Let’s talk about why your sex drive may be non-existant. I do both in person and skype/facetime appointments. In one or two sessions we can make real headway. Book today.
I postulate at nauseum about things you should and shouldn’t do to keep your libido intact and healthy. I’m a sex therapist, it’s what I do. And low libido is the scourge of these frantic, 21st Century lives. However it is because we are so busy, stressed and running hard that we don’t have a sex drive in the first place. A hundred years ago we went to bed when the sun went down and ate, whole, pesticide-free foods. We made love often, knew our roles and weren’t exposed to light while we slept. Our bodies were in rhythm with our environment.
So amidst watching too much late night Grey’s Anatomy, updating my blog, connecting with my kids, partner, and extended family, groceries, laundry, homework and oh yeah work, I need shortcuts when it comes to keeping my libido healthy. I look for shortcuts in working out, in the housework I have to complete,
I don’t want to look for shortcuts to having sex.
With this in mind I make sure I have some of the top 5 sexy foods as part of my diet.
1. Lemon/Ginger. – I serve this as a tea to all the patients in my office and drink it (and run to the loo) all day long. Ginger warms up the body and increases the heart rate, much in the same way that chilli does. It mimics how the body feels during sex, and makes you start thinking about it. Lemon balances the PH in your system and keeps your squishy parts at optimum health.
2. Artichokes. This natural aphrodisiacs are rich in such substance as inulin, which in conjunction with vitamins A, B and C can substantially improve metabolism. This can stimulate and tone the body, as well as increase the libido.
3. Spring foods like asparagus and rhubarb. Asparagus. This is one of the most effective spring aphrodisiacs which is rich in phosphorus, potassium, calcium and vitamin A. At that, asparagus can be used by both men and women. Rhubarb is known in diminishing hot flashes, and is extraordinarily high in calcium.
4. Unpasteurized honey. Honey is a super food. It also appeals to my sweet tooth and I can drizzle it all over my sweetie during sticky sex. It’s one of the 5 things that the new Blue Zone book which discusses what people do to live the longest use to increase longevity. It has proved libido enhancers.
5. Basil. The fragrance, the blood stirring properties and the healing herbal elements makes it a great sexy food. I plant a herb garden and grow fresh basil every spring. I use it fresh in recipes throughout the year. Try basil ice cream (recipe to follow), it is incredible.
You don’t need mail-order powdered rhino horn — there are much easier ways to get aphrodisiacs for Valentine’s Day. But do they work? Find out what works and what doesn’t as well as tips and ideas for a grocery list of romantic foods that will put you in the mood. Join our panel: Martha Hopkins is the author of The New InterCourses: An Aphrodisiac Cookbook that features couple-tested recipes, Wendy Walsh is a clinical psychologist and former co-host of The Doctors who is currently CNN’s human behaviour expert and the author of several books, including The 30-Day Love Detox, and Sue McGarvie, a registered sex therapist, radio host and author of four books on sexuality and relationships. McGarvie’s research on libido and bio-identical hormones for sexual desire has brought her international attention.
Check out the full discussion at:
http://www.canada.com/life/food/Live+Chat+Aphrodisiacs/7859982/story.html
I have a new list of the top 20 things you can do to increase your libido that I will happily email to you if you send me at note to suem@rogers.com. Some of the new ideas include an updated list of aphrodisiac foods that will put a new bounce in your step. Here are the top 12 foods that work to increase your libido. One of the things I really like are the new sexy foods list from the place for all things foody. Here is this amazing recipe for a cocktail that we tried on the weekend, and may be my new favourite thing.
Cranberry and Vanilla Bean Mimosas http://www.foodily.com/r/bpHcIdrWZ-cranberry-and-vanilla-bean-mimosas
Top Aphrodisiac Ingredients from Foodily.com:
1. Vanilla bean
2. Oysters
3. Figs
4. Honey
5. Red wine
6. Garlic
7. Ginger
8. Asparagus
9. Red chili’s
10. Almonds
11. Strawberries
12. And, of course, chocolate (preferably dark for the health benefits!)
Low libido, or inhibited sexual desire is the big issue that keeps coming up in my office as a sex therapist.
Often commonalities of people experiencing low libido include low levels of free testosterone, inflammation of the cells with a High sensitivity CR protein in the blood, food allergies and low belly fat among things. And then there is the emotional, relationship, and psychological issues.
If you are struggling with low libido where do you start to change things around?
I’ve written a number of posts with supplements and suggestions for low libido.
Here are some more obscure ideas that might help.
1. Try the new IXEL anti depressant. SSRI anti-depressants are notorious libido killers. IXEL out of Turkey which has just been licensed in the US, may actually increase libido if you need depression meds.
2. Try an exotic fruit. Sometimes its trace minerals that can impact libido. Zinc, magnesium and chromium all seem to be low in my libido patients. Peel a pomegranate instead of a banana. Or try dragon fruit or mangosteens that are packed with the trace minerals that North American fruit may be low in.
3. Daily dose of red wine. Really. I know everyone is telling you to cut back on alcohol. However the tannin’s in red wine help increase your testosterone (especially in women) and put that bounce in your step.
4. See a chiropractor. If you’ve never been now is the time to consider it. That or acupuncture. Blocks in the nervous system from misalignment can be solved through a chiropractor appointment or traditional Chinese medicine practitioner.
5. The Magic Banana or Intensity strengthening toys. There are a couple of new toys on the market that increase pelvic muscle tone. One is the Intensity which uses electrodes to increase muscle tension. The other a yellow, flexible loop called The Magic Banana, forces the internal muscles to contract and increase the blood flow to the genitals. And that’s all good when you want to increase your libido.
What I do know after 25 years of specializing in low libido is that it doesn’t magically get better. Your sex life needs work to flourish. If you’ve lost that loving feeling then I encourage you to reach out. Solution oriented sex therapy by skype or phone can address the problem and put a bounce back in your step. Reach out now.
Spif (my wonder partner and fellow therapist) and I have been leading a number of libido boot camps. Think couples evenings that take 4 hours to go through the common libido killers and how to fix them. We’ve been taking about hormones, romance, date nights, supplements, tantric sex, abundant health, and feeling sexy.
It’s been eye opening to see how some couples are stuck when it comes to intimacy. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve written volumes about low libido related to physical issues such as food sensitivities, getting off the birth control pills, anti-depressants, low estrogen and progesterone among other things. But if you can’t articulate how you feel about sex, acts you like about sex, and ways you feel sexy then no amount of hormone in the world is going to magically cross the chasm in your bedroom.
I’ve edited down this questionnaire that I’m sharing with you to see if you can get the conversation started. Answer it, and if you still need help email me at suem@rogers.com. I have skype and phone patients all over the world and I can help you put that bounce back in your step.
Promise.
INSTRUCTIONS: Listed below are several statements that concern the topic of sexual relationships. Please read each item carefully and decide to what extent it is characteristic of you. Some of the items refer to a specific sexual relationship. Whenever possible, answer the questions with your current partner in mind. If you are not currently dating anyone, answer the questions with your most recent partner in mind. If you have never had a sexual relationship, answer in terms of what you think your responses would most likely be. Then, for each statement fill in the response on the answer sheet that indicates how much it applies to you by using the following scale:
A = Not at all characteristic of me.
B = Slightly characteristic of me.
C = Somewhat characteristic of me.
D = Moderately characteristic of me.
E = Very characteristic of me.
1. I am confident about myself as a sexual partner.
2. I think about sex all the time.
3. My sexuality is something that I am largely responsible for.
4. I am very aware of my sexual feelings.
5. I feel anxious when I think about the sexual aspects of my life.
6. I’m very assertive about the sexual aspects of my life.
7. I am depressed about the sexual aspects of my life.
8. I wish I was more sexually open.
9. I am somewhat afraid of being sexual with my partner.
10. I think sex is boring and doesn’t fulfill me
11. I am very satisfied with the way my sexual needs are currently being met.
12. I am a pretty good sexual partner.
13. I think about sex more than anything else.
14. There is so much more I would like to do sexually
15. The sexual aspects of my life are determined in large part by my own behavior.
16. I’m very aware of my sexual motivations.
17. I’m strongly motivated to devote time and effort to sex.
18. I’m not very direct about voicing my sexual preferences.
19. I am disappointed about the quality of my sex life.
20. I’m very concerned with how others evaluate the sexual aspects of my life.
21. I tend to be preoccupied with sex.
22. There are sexual things I would like to do that my partner doesn’t know about.
Scoring
The answers are coded so that A = 0; B = 1; C = 2; D = 3; and E = 4.
The Sex Therapist’s recipe for increasing libido by Sue McGarvie
I have been seeing some commonalities in the libido patients who have come to my office. Smart, savvy women who self identify as “being in fantastic relationships” struggling with low libido.
They come to me so frustrated that nothing has worked up to now. Man of them talk to me about seeing their doctors who suggest that “It’s normal to have no sex drive, you have kids”. Or “take a holiday and it will all be fine.” Well it’s rarely fine and these women think about their lack of desire as a failure and find themselves obsessing about how to fix it.
The truth is that with some women relationships or emotional/psychological reasons impact their sexual feelings. However I’m seeing strong, sane women who are newlyweds still very much sexually attracted to their husbands. I’m seeing women who describe their marriages as “a 9 out of 10”. They love their husbands and don’t know why they rarely get in the mood.
I’m convinced it’s physical or organically based. Few of the women in my office feel what I call “the squoogies”. These feeling are the butterflies, that sensation of horniness or wiggly feelings of a need for sexual fulfillment.
I’ve been seeing some trends lately. I’ve asked these women to provide me with a blood work analysis from their doctors. The challenge is that most physicians don’t test younger women for hormones, and libido is the micro management or tweaks to find that sweet spot of abundant health where the libido returns. Most doctors don’t have the training, time or resources to figure out the formula.
And the longer I’m a sex therapist the more I know that everyone is unique and there is no “one size fits all”. The commonalities I’m seeing include food allergies or gastrointestinal sensitivities. Other common characteristics include history of being on the oral contraceptive, and/or anti depressants, along with a confirmed elevated cortisol level. Cortisol and adrenal are the two of the major hormones that regulate stress. If animals are stressed, they rarely go into heat. Which is why if 85% of North American adults are chronically stressed, why are we so surprised when the libido is missing?
Women have to become advocates for their own health. It doesn’t work for marriages on a long term basis to be without sex. I did my thesis on the question of “what happens when couples stop having sex?” It turns out they start to feel like roommates or “friends that co-parent”. The long suffering partners also feel like exploding and often feel they have no choice but to look for outlets outside of the marriage.
So here is what I recommend for couples struggling in this cycle.
1. Get a copy of your blood work including your adrenal, cortisol, thyroid, insulin, DHEA, testosterone, progesterone, estrogen levels.
2. Start immediately on some desiccated adrenal supplements (2 capsules twice a day).
3. Add some high quality Omega 3 capsules or oil. I like Udo’s oil or Jamieson capsules. I recommend (brace yourself) upwards of 8 to 10,000 mg a day. That a lot of flax or fish oils.
4. I encourage a multi vitamin with at least 30mg of zinc, and 240 mg of chromium.
5. I add 3000 mg of evening Primrose oil daily to my patients.
6. Followed by 300 mg of magnesium/glycinate.
7. Decrease the amount of carbohydrates you eat and increase the protein.
8. Get yourself a good vibrator like a Hitachi magic wand that plugs in for increased power. I also suggest buying some tickling panties or a small low level vibrator you can insert into your underwear for a few hours before sex.
9. If you are not already GET OFF THE BIRTH CONTROL PILLS, and look for a barrier method of contraception.
10. Plan a weekly date night where you have lots of privacy, lead time and anticipation of a sensuous evening. Consider your date nights as important as a doctor’s appointment.
11. Take 3 oz (1/3 of a bar) of 85% or higher dark chocolate and 1 glass of RED wine an hour before your date night. You can also use your vibrating panties to get in the mood about an hour in advance of sex.
12. I always suggest using a silicone lube for any kind of sexual encounter. If it hurts you are less likely to want it again.
13. Ask your doctor to consider monitoring you on 0.6% progesterone cream from day 10 to the end of your cycle. I rub it in before bed and it helps me sleep better.
14. You also need about 25mg of DHEA daily. In Canada it is a prescription medication, but in the US you can buy it over the counter. The rules about hormones are this:
a. You always test.
b. You try and use bio identical hormones if they are available at your pharmacy
c. You never use more than you need
d. You test again.
e. Make sure you keep a baseline of your blood work. It will make working with your doctor and understanding your body so much easier.
14. 5HTP, CLA, Vitamin D (4,000 ,g from September to May), and 40 mg of Vitamin B12 I take in addition to the multi vitamin.
15. With couples who have been struggling for awhile I also add two activities.
a. The first, I suggest they use a signal to initiate sex, Think about tugging on your ear, using a code word or some external trigger that let’s your partner know that sex is on your mind. That way nobody gets pushed away.
b. The second activity I suggest is non-genital touch for a couple of minutes 3 times a week. Couples who aren’t having sex often don’t cuddle as much for fear of turning on the other partner. Gentle, non-sexual touch is critical for keeping marriages connected.
If none of this works – or it feels too overwhelming to do on your own then call me for an appointment. No matter where you are, I can do a phone, webcast. skype appointment that will take serious steps to re-claiming your libido.
This IS NOT the mountain you have to live your life on, and we can get back that sexy girl you used to be.
Find me at www.sexwithsue.com or suem@rogers.com
One of my key findings in the Libido Diet book was the discovery of the correlation between food allergies and low sex drive. There isn’t a lot of research to support my concusions (just my 20 years of counseling for low sex drive), but my belief is that food allergies increase the cellular inflammation and impacts on the bodies ability to use testosterone and the sex binding globulin hormone that allows us to feel sexy.
In English that means if you have a food allergy, you have to work extra hard to keep your libido where it should be.
In trying to stay well read on the subject, I found this article that suggests women have greater, and more pronounced food allergies than men. Given that low sex drive problems are an 80/20 women to men problem, I keep trying to understand the connection. I’ve written extensively about this in my Libido Diet book (see side panel or at www.sexwithsue.com). The top five allergy foods are seafood, nuts, milk, wheat, eggs, with things like strawberries and dill thrown in as other examples of food sensitivities. All I’m saying is that if you have a food aversion, be aware there is some link between that and sexual desire.
In the meantime, have a read about why it may affect women more than men.
It is well established that there are differences between men and women in the incidence of allergic
diseases. For example, the occurrence of some allergic diseases such as asthma is higher among
females than males after puberty. When asked, females will report more often than men that they
are allergic towards certain foods. This might be partly explained by the fact that females in general
report worse health than men and have more active health seeking behaviour than men. However,
recently reported data from a Norwegian national register of severe allergic reactions to food
showed a strong dominance of reactions by females (60%) over males (40%). This suggests that
there is also a clear biological mechanism. Either females are biologically more susceptible to
developing food allergies or have a different pattern of exposure to allergenic foods than men.
As a red blooded Canadian girl I understand the appeal of hockey. In Canada hockey (and Tim Horton’s coffee) is as close as we have to a national religion.There is something about padded guys in hockey jerseys skating around at high speed and winging rubber at each other that gets your heart racing. Fights where a couple of goons go at each other, wild action and big hits are always entertaining to watch. And don’t get me started on the sexy hockey beards…
I’ve long known that if I played my cards right I can usually get sex while watching sports. I written before about the Monday Night Football half time romp. And my flirty date nights after an evening watching the Sens at Scotiabank Place during those cold winter nights.
But until the new study came out from the University of Michigan, I didn’t have the science of my sports and sex correlation. The University did a great study that involved checking the saliva of men in the stands before and after a Red Wings game to determine their testosterone levels. (Did mention that I would be happy to personally check the saliva of the boys in red myself? but I digress…) With no surprise to me watching all of that beef cake win encourages fans to increase their testosterone level by up to 30% – especially of they win. Testosterone is your aggression, sex and brawn type hormone, and will encourage your sweetie to focus on you once the whistle is blown.
Now with the Red Wings going into game 7 against the dreaded Sharks you can’t help but be encouraged about some upcoming “sexy time”. Couple that with some deep fried calamari ( seafood is high in zinc – the sex mineral.and Red Wing fans throw squids on the ice- Yup those large rubbery sea creatures when they score a goal), and you’ve got a recipe for lov’n.
Go wings go.
ps. As I edit this during the pandemic of Covid-19 and there is no hockey I’m reminded of the strike when you needed to find other things to do. If you need to talk about keeping things hot reach out to me. I promise I won’t be on the clock. And we can talk a few minutes of hockey while we fix your sex life.
I’ve been talking about issues with my libido patients for years. I’ve been warning about high blood pressure medication, anti-depressants, white sugar and flour, the birth control pill, and gastro problems as big culprits. But this week I’ve learned of two new studies that comment on cuases I hadn’t hear of.
The first is baldness (yup when your hair falls out)….
Baldness
Last week it was reported that men who take the hair loss drug finasteride, also known as Propecia, can experience prolonged periods of low libido.
Dr Michael Irwig, assistant professor of medicine at George Washington University School of Medicine and Health Sciences, discovered that 94 per cent of men taking finasteride developed low sexual desire, 92 per cent suffered from erectile dysfunction and 69 per cent experienced difficulty with orgasm.
The study, to be published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine, is the first to show that symptoms persisted for at least three months in otherwise healthy men, even when they stopped taking the drug.
It’s thought the drug alters levels of important brain chemicals called neurotransmitters that affect mood and other bodily functions.
At one time I considered buying stock in the company that made these drugs (along with Rogain)…
The second is cold and flu medication. Huh you say?
Meanwhile a study by the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio found that antihistamines might lead to problems with ejaculation for men and hamper both men’s and women’s libido. The researchers suggested they might affect part of the nervous system connected with sexual arousal and orgasm. Those that contain diphenhydramine or pseudoephedrine not only affect your sex drive but can cause erectile dysfunction.
So if your libido is fragile you might look at a few things in your lifestyle as the cause. I can treat it in my practice. I immediately get people off the meds and onto large amounts of Omega 3, magnesium, a great quaity multi-vitamin, 5 HTP, chromium, zinc, and GAMA. That and increasing blood flow to their genitals and putting them on what I call “sexy foods” (dark chocolate and red wine top the list) and I see big improvements.