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Ottawa’s sultry underbelly

Anytime I’m traveling and I mention that I’m a sex therapist from Ottawa I brace myself for the inevitable comments. I have heard the quip that “people from Ottawa don’t have sex” more times than I can count.
The truth is that those of us who call the Nation’s Capital home are far more sexually diverse than it appears on the surface. For example, it turns out that Ottawa has the highest number of burlesque performers per capita than anyplace in North America according to the burlesque directory. Rockalilly burlesque performer Rhapsody Blue says “that with eight active burlesque troops, Ottawa ranks first for our population”. I think that people in Ottawa appear to be buttoned down by day. But when civil servants and lobbyists let their hair down, they are often much less prudish than the rest of the country imagines they are. “Ottawa audiences line up to see glitter, boobs, legs and pasties” she says. Burlesque is sometimes referred to as “feminist stripping”, or “the art of the tease. And “the majority (80%) of the audiences attending burlesque shows are women”, says Kicky Laroux another longtime burlesque performer. Burlesque classes are filled with woman who want to learn how to burlesque dance for their partners privately, finally deal with their body image issues or what Rhapsody calls, “shake their jiggly bits in public.”
Ottawa also has a very active fetish community. Called munches or sloshes, there are weekly gatherings to discuss any and all kinks at restaurants around the city. Ottawa residents can be a kinky lot. Think 50 Shades of Grey only in real life. Psychologically it appears that if you make decisions all day, you tend to be quite sexually submissive. So in a full city of politicians, diplomats, and defense contractors who must behave like grownups during the day, many of these power individuals want to be kneeling before black boots by night. While the Washington DC Dominatrix population is larger, Ottawa more than holds its own in the number of women that will role-play with you for money.
We also have our fair share of couples exploring what is commonly called “The Lifestyle” in and around town. The term swinging may be outdated, but the number of people interested in exploring it is significant and on the rise. While indicating your desire to play by leaving your garage door halfway up is an urban myth, exploring sex with your significant other in non-monogamous ways is one of the most common questions I get these days as a sex therapist. Lifestyle play is most popular with a well-educated, affluent and cosmopolitan population and Ottawa definitely fits that description. Trying to discuss enhancing your intimate relationship by including other people without stepping into minefields is a growing area of sex therapy in our city. There are three active places in the area where couples meet (one opened recently in October) and the murmurs about frequent house parties linger about town if you know where to listen.
Finally, there is the amazing number of $125 fines given out every year by the NCC for having outdoor sex in one of the area’s green spaces. Ottawa has lots of people who are caught making out by the river on their lunch hours. While I encourage getting outside to frolic, I don’t suggest doing it where there are people walking around. NCC spokesman Jean Wolff said, “while the land is accessible to everyone, some people abuse the privilege.”
So next time you get a smirk and comment from your Torontocentric friends about “how Ottawa is the place where the streets roll up at 7 pm”, you can tell them with some authority that Ottawa is simply discreetly sexy.

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Why love is simply not enough to make it.

I tell my clients that simply “being in love” isn’t enough to fix all of their problems. Unfortunately, love doesn’t conquer all. With a 52% divorce rate in this country, couples needs more tools besides love in order to make relationships sustainable. Things like attraction, similar interests and values, support systems, courtesy and acceptance. You can go to your grave loving someone but if you can’t live with them them relationships are doomed. So what can you do? There is a great article by Mark Manson (http://markmanson.net/love/) talking about why this adage is oh-so-true.
Manson calls them three harsh truths about love:
1. Love does not equal compatibility. Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process; compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well.
2. Love does not solve your relationship problems. My first girlfriend and I were madly in love with each other. We also lived in different cities, had no money to see each other, had families who hated each other, and went through weekly bouts of meaningless drama and fighting. Unsurprisingly, that relationship burst into flames and crashed like the Hindenburg being doused in jet fuel. The break up was ugly. And the big lesson I took away from it was this: while love may make you feel better about your relationship problems, it doesn’t actually solve any of your relationship problems.
3. Love is not always worth sacrificing yourself. One of the defining characteristics of loving someone is that you are able to think outside of yourself and your own needs to help care for another person and their needs as well.
But the question that doesn’t get asked often enough is exactly what are you sacrificing, and is it worth it?
I used to teach a pre-marriage course with the United Church of Canada. I spoke of the 5 reasons that most people get divorced. They are being absent (physically, emotionally, workaholic), sex and sexual infidelity, conflicts about money, division of labor (read: housework), and interfering or conflicting extended families. never was that the couple in question didn’t love each other.
There is nothing more exciting than a new relationship. That love-sick feeling lifts you up and sends you spinning. But as I remind people in new relationships “it’s simply chemicals and you mustn’t make any life altering decisions for the first 9 to 15 months.” So enjoy the feelings. We are all envious about the excitement. But find a selection committee and listen to them. Do some due diligence. Investigate this relationship. Because listen up, love is simply not enough to make it.

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Testosterone, the hormone for both sexes

I see it in my office every day. Women come in who don’t feel sexy, men who can’t get it up, and couples for whom sex is a distant memory. Yes the issue can be that your partner is driving you nuts and isn’t doing the work to turn you on. And sometimes these problems are caused by general exhaustion, emotional challenges, baggage about sex, psychological factors, and general relationship conflicts. But more times than not, sexual challenges are created when something goes wrong with the internal power supply. For men whose heads are clear, and whose bodies are working properly, it’s usually all systems go. I think most women have a sense that men think about sex a lot. But when the man in your life starts reaching for the remote control rather than pinching your bottom, it could be a hormonal difficulty.
I call it the “Archie Bunker Syndrome”. Named after the grumpy old curmudgeon in the 70’s sitcom, the Archie Bunker Syndrome is what happens to men as they age and their testosterone starts depleting. You may be living with an “Archie”. You can recognize them as men who have beer bellies, fall asleep on the couch after dinner, and are no longer interested in chasing you around the house for sex. I have a physician friend of mine who thinks that most men over 50 should be on at least a base supplemental level of testosterone. For the men in our lives, testosterone (T) is the main hormone that keeps them active, healthy, and masculine. I also like to say it’s responsible for those sexy playoff beards. There are a few over the counter supplements for raising testosterone as well as some suggestions like increasing the amount of celery you feed your partner and suggesting they bath their testicles in cold water after a shower. You may get a better result than I did when I pitched that idea.
So it’s vital for men but how relevant is it for women? In a word, essential. As a sex therapist I spend a great deal of my day talking about how low T can impact your libido. Yet it’s one of those hormones that your doctor rarely tests you for, and you often have to ask for it specifically. I have clients send me their free testosterone numbers and often suggest they investigate whether or not a hormonal imbalance between their many hormones may be causing their depression-like symptoms. It’s certainly related (along with a few other hormones) to the physical factors causing the loss of sex drive. But testosterone is more than simply the barometer of how horny you may be. It’s what puts that wiggle in our hips, the bounce in our steps and the urge to leap out of bed in the morning.
Here’s what happens. We hit 40 and we may start to feel less aroused, less able to lose weight and generally start to feel sluggish. Testosterone is the hormone that begins to decline anywhere from ages 35 to 40. Followed by a decrease in progesterone and then finally at 50 our estrogen plummets. It’s the loss of estrogen that we associate with menopause, hot flashes and sleep problems. But our hormones have been depleting over the previous 10 years during peri-menopause. According to the fabulous book about women and testosterone called The Secret Female Hormone by Dr. Kathy Maupin, it’s really the loss of testosterone that leaves us feeling old. Testosterone is responsible for our youthful bodies. It improves muscle mass, and skin elasticity. Low testosterone in women causes an increase in cellulite, dry eyes, abdominal fat, fatigue, autoimmune reactions such as arthritis, dry skin and hair loss. The problem is that those symptoms are masked among a variety of other causes that has both you and your doctor thinking about other issues besides hormonal depletion.
The problem is that finding the right amount of testosterone isn’t an exact science. Traditionally, women were given male amounts (the only thing originally on the market) which quite literally put hair on their chests. As one woman described to me who had abnormally high testosterone results “I want to kill him, not jump him”. However the science is starting to catch up. We have a few compounding pharmacies in town that make bio-identical hormones that are exactly the right amount for your blood work. We have specialists in town that know the power of balancing progesterone and testosterone based on evidence-based medicine. There really is no one size fits all when it comes to hormones. Test and use the amount that you would have naturally produced when you were 30. I think anything that gets us back to how we felt at 30 is a public service. And if it’s something your body makes anyway, and it’s done in conjunction with your physician, testosterone can be the difference between night and day in terms of how sexy you feel. I think we need to become the experts of our own bodies. That means asking questions of our doctors, keeping a journal of our own blood work results, and becoming better aware of what’s changing. Our sexual selves may need some attention. I think exploring the reasons that you may not be feeling as sexy is critically important to quality of life. There is a great quote by Judith Plaskow that reads “If sexuality is one dimension of our ability to live passionately in the world then in cutting off our sexual feelings we diminish our overall power to feel and value deeply.” So if you have lost that bounce in your step, or you live a Carol O’Connor character I encourage you to investigate further.
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How to reinvent yourself and become sexier.

Most people live a life of acceptance. We go through our days of work, kids, groceries, extended family and laundry. We are so busy caught up in the day to day that we don’t spend a few minutes every day reaching towards the goals we want to attain. So how do you reinvent yourself to become the person you want to be? A large group of women polled by the University of Arizona were asked “what they would most like to change about themselves” and the answers were as expected. The women 25-55 wanted to be happier, thinner, richer, sexier, in better shape, and to find more time for themselves. Those are things most women I know relate to. I know that thinner and physically fitter top my list of goals year after year.
What all of these goals have in common is that they are large goals about self care.
The truth is that happiness occurs when we reach our goals. These are the big goals we have set out to achieve in our lifetime. And that is where the feeling of accomplishment factors in. It is when we like ourselves the most. Feeling sexier is one of those big goals that make us happier and contributes to our overall quality of life.
If you are like me, you’ve learned that you only need to work hard to get what you want. But as a sex therapist I know that sexuality is one of those things that you can’t power through. You can’t strong-arm desire. You can’t force yourself to feel sexual chemistry if it isn’t there. You also can’t seem to work harder to have the feeling you want. Tell any depressed person to “simply be happier” and I’ll guarantee that they won’t appreciate your pat answer. Its little things done regularly that add up to large shifts.
So how do we change those sexual feelings and become the sexy woman we all want to be?
It starts with loving the body we are in. I know, easier said than done. It is one of the universal things about women. We ALL have body image issues. Even the one Supermodel I met at a conference thought her thighs were too fat. One of the key things I see with women who don’t feel sexy is distaste for their own vaginas. Whether you were told that nice girls don’t touch themselves, or you think your girl parts are weird looking, it may be time to find a mirror and really check yourself out. Men seem to be very familiar with their genitals. For a lot of women, it’s often a mystery down there. It’s not the only thing that defines your sexuality (I still preach that the brain is the biggest sex organ) but it is one of the big areas of sexual sensation. I often tell clients that “if they can’t play with their own equipment, it’s hard to tell a partner what you actually like”. I think that if you want to feel sexy about yourself, you need to fall in love with your vajayjay and spend some alone time with it now and then.
There are typical things you can list off to “fake it until you make it” to feel sexier today. I have a friend whose one indulgence is spectacular lingerie under her kid-friendly clothes as a kindergarten teacher. Or I know of a client who puts on a pair of vibrating panties before she leaves work. She drives home buzzing and is feeling very sexy when she hits her driveway. Reading erotica, learning to salsa dance or taking flirting to a new level with the men at the bus stop can get your sexy motor running and is good for your mojo.
It feels good to feel sexy. I have my clients say that out loud in therapy. Try it right now. I FEEL SEXY! Have a listen to my sexual hypnosis audio on discovering your sexy self. Call it personal training for your sexuality. That sexy woman inside you will thank you for it.

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So you think you might be a little bit kinky?

bdsmSo what is the difference between being kinky and why is it called BDSM?
The term BDSM dates back to 1969; The term is believed to have been formed either from joining the term B&D (bondage and discipline) with S&M (sadomasochism or sadism and masochism meaning the enjoyment of giving and receiving pain). BDSM communities generally welcome anyone with a non-normative streak who identifies with the community; this may include cross-dressers, extreme body mod enthusiasts, animal players, latex or rubber aficionados, and others in an overall term called kinky.
Kink is a catch -all phrase to mean things like role-playing fantasies (everything from dressing up like a pony, to a one piece leather outfit. It can also mean exchanging gender roles, giving up or taking sexual power (dominance and submission), sensation play like sadomasochism, fetishes (think pantyhose, foot, or corsets). Tristan Taormino defines kink as “an intimate experience, an exchange in power between people that can be physical, erotic, sexual, psychological, spiritual in some combination. People who practice kink explore the territory between pleasure and pain, eroticize the exchange of power, experience intense physical sensations and psychological scenarios, and test and push their limits.”
Although kink can incorporate everything from people who sexualize stuffed animals to the occasional passion for great thigh-high boots I think there are three main areas of being kinky that appeals to the masses.
The first is Domination and Submission. This is about the power exchange. You surrender to the experience in a safe and consensual way . Being dominate, means that you find personal and sexual gratification from taking charge and having your play partner (called a sub) do what you want. Submissive means that you sexually enjoy doing what you’re told without thought again in a safe and consensual way. Some people go further and want to be humiliated, dressed in the clothes of the other gender and punished for imaginary slights. It is the release of power that feels cathartic for some submissive people. I’m convinced that a majority of people (70% in my estimation) are submissive, 20% are dominate and 10% can switch back and forth. It’s the most common fantasy for women (rip my clothes off and take me!) and is the most mainstream of all forms of “kinkiness”. Domination and Submission often (but not always) involves devices like clothes, restraints, rope, collars, and clothes such as leather and latex that can be called fetish.
Fetish is the second group of kink. Fetishism or sexual fetishism is the sexual arousal a person receives from a physical object, or from a specific situation. The object or situation of interest is called the fetish; the person who has a fetish for that object/situation is a fetishist.
By this we mean any body part or inanimate object that particularly turns you on. These are things like strong preferences “I’m a leg guy” or “I find the sexiest thing about men are their hands”. It can also be very specific. “I’m aroused by pierced belly buttons, or painted toes.” It can also incorporate an object. Things like rubber, lace, hats, shoes, balloons, nylons are all common fetishes. It just means that regular sex would be ranked as a 2, and sex with the object of desire would be an 11.
I have clients who can’t get aroused unless they are wearing nylons, or having their partner wear something that meets their specific fetish ie. Garters, tight pants, pointy boots, hats, raincoats etc.
The final group is that of what is called sensation play. This is a type of kink that includes the term sadism and masochism (S & M) where giving and receiving pain becomes sexual in nature. It can also include anything that triggers a strong reaction. Things like dripping wax on your partner, playing with an ice cube, using picks, floggers, canes on their skin. There is a fine line between pleasure and pain and sensation play weaves on both sides of that line.
The reason you are hearing about “being kinky” more (besides the 20 million copies of 50 Shades of Grey sold) is that the internet has made finding about your particular sexual interest much more mainstream. Anytime you get a group of people together with the same interests, it normalizes it. And now you can find people who are also turned on by your specific interest. That’s why there are over 50 main porn categories and hundreds of sub sets.
Most people fall on a sexual continuum like we’ve been describing from very vanilla, to five kinds of flavours with chocolate sprinkles. The challenge is to explore what you might be interested in by taking it one step at a time. There is also the difficulty that while one partner may find one form of kink interesting while the other finds it distasteful. Like with all sexual play, there is the worry that you must be some kind of pervert if you like this stuff. The truth is that everyone has secret sexual desires and fantasies. And the longer I’m a sex therapist the more I’m convinced that everyone ( and I mean everyone has something private that falls into one of these categories.
So read about them. Come up with safe words. Try sex out of your comfort zone. You may be surprised at how much it turns you on.

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Why Jim Flaherty, burlesque pasties, and smelling the roses might help your relationship. A newsletter from Sue McGarvie


Jim Flaherty, Mission Statements and why smelling the roses are important
I met the former cabinet Minister Jim Flaherty in an elevator one afternoon in Ottawa. After exchanging pleasantries, he complemented me on the points I had brought forth during a CTV panel I had just finished. Minister Flaherty as it turns out was in the green room before me and caught my 30 seconds of fame on sex and Canadians. He had that innate charm of successful politicians where in the moment that you have his attention you feel like the only person in the world. I left the encounter smiling and charmed.
So I was saddened to hear news of his sudden death earlier this month.
As when anytime someone dies early, it makes you ponder your own mortality. Jim Flaherty’s demise a few weeks after his retirement from a very stressful career is a reminder for us to stop and smell the roses.
Read More
Women, body image and sexuality
It’s starting again. Our unbelievably powerful workshop on women, sexuality and body image. It came out of discussion with women who hate their bodies to the point that they can’t be naked in front of their partners. Women who had shut down their sexuality and were experiencing low libido because of body perceptions, hormonal imbalances and a lousy self image. It’s going to be small, proactive, and empowering. Think cutting edge information on hormones, weight, and nutrition. The latest news in exaggerating sexuality and a chance to connect with cool other women that get it. Space is very limited. Send me an email now at suem@rogers.com if you’re interested in loving yourself again.
Find out what you may be missing for real change in a supportive, group environment that brings together Ottawa’s best experts in health, weight loss, hormones and body image.
A month of five Saturday mornings starting May 10, 2014 for 90 minutes. 9:30 to 11:00 am. $60 a meeting, ($300 total with full insurance receipts provided)
81 Pooler Ave. Refreshments, cutting-edge information, reading materials etc. all provided. Read More
Feather boas, crops and getting down to your pasties… how Ottawa couples are keeping it hot.
We started with the topic of sexual communication. Then everyone handed in their most private fantasies on anonymous cue cards. We then brainstormed on the props needed to act out the intimate fantasies of suburban couples. Welcome to modern sexuality workshops, that give couples the skills to keep their intimate life (and thus their married life), hot, connected and fun. Sue and her husband Blaik have just wound up a couples seminar in Westboro this May on ways to spice up long-term relationships. Complete with wine, laughter and honest discussion the group of 15 couples heard speakers, were entertained with burlesque, tackled the definitions of what is kinky, and learned the ins and out of Tantric sex and social nudity. Workshops are different than individual therapy because the group can become greater than the sum of it’s parts. People bring different experiences and reflections that can create a synergy you can’t get in individual counseling. It also forces couples to look beyond their comfort zone.
Read More
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Jim Flaherty, Mission Statements and why smelling the roses are important

flahertyI met the former cabinet Minister Jim Flaherty in an elevator one afternoon in Ottawa. After exchanging pleasantries, he complemented me on the points I had brought forth during a CTV panel I had just finished. Minister Flaherty as it turns out was in the green room before me and caught my 30 seconds of fame on sex and Canadians. He had that innate charm of successful politicians where in the moment that you have his attention you feel like the only person in the world. I left the encounter smiling and charmed.
So I was saddened to hear news of his sudden death earlier this month.
As when anytime someone dies early, it makes you ponder your own mortality. Jim Flaherty’s demise a few weeks after his retirement from a very stressful career is a reminder for us to stop and smell the roses. Slowing down and finding balance is the easiest thing in the world to say, but near impossible if you don’t schedule it. Slowing down and taking time for yourself can be difficult to do between work, kids, aging parents and life in general.
So where do you start? As a sex and relationships therapist I spend much of my day suggesting happiness is found in intimate connections and a greater community. I tell individuals that if couples don’t schedule time in their day to talk and touch, their relationships rarely make it. I also think finding time to get horizontal is important in your week as well.
So when I had a chance to poll a group of female doctors at one of the Federation of Medical Women dinners I asked, “what was their doctor’s prescription for health and happiness?”
I heard the usual advice about “eating low inflammation foods, exercising, moderating alcohol and giving up smoking”. But these physicians also mentioned “having a life’s purpose, hydrating yourself with lots and lots of water, and increasing the Vitamin D and B Complex”. There was also a mention of taking holidays. Like most Ontario physicians, these were women who were run off their feet and were all craving unstructured beach time. But like the rest of us, they were finding it difficult to fit it in to their lives.
I am paraphrasing, but internet pop culture guru Mark Manson says that you can’t create happiness. You can only pursue goals and the accomplishment of these goals produces happiness as a by-product. Realistically, how many of us list working harder as a goal? Yes, generally having more money, recognition of our work or personal prestige causes brief smiles. But what accomplishments really generate genuine happiness? My husband and I have a mission statement that outlines how we want to live and where we want to be. We really try to walk the talk. When decisions are made, they are in accordance with the statement (that is reviewed at least annually in lieu of New Year’s Resolutions). By making decisions that follow our own values, we get closer to accomplishing things that will generate happiness as a couple. In our statement, we list spending time with friends and family, traveling and making sure there is touch time daily between us. When opportunities for more income present themselves, sometimes they have to be turned down if the personal cost is too high. We both function at our best when our connection is very strong. Taking the daily time to ensure we are on the same page and feeling close is an investment in our productivity as well as our relationship. We also recognize that our most valuable asset is our time, as it cannot be replaced. However, if a decision is made in accordance with priorities, it seldom steers us wrong.
So with great respect to Jim Flaherty , I submit, take the time to figure out where you want to go and what is truly most important in your life. Set out time to make that happen. And learn to say “no” both to yourself and to others when you are maxed out and still being pushed to give more. There will be ample time for everything, or at least it will seem so, when priorities are being fulfilled, life is in balance and there is a general feeling of happiness throughout you.

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That awkward conversation about sex…between couples

If you’ve been together for awhile, you may be comfortable discussing sex with each other. You no doubt have chatted about contraception, know each other’s favourite positions and you may have even ventured into the potential minefield of past lovers.
But most couples stall when it comes to the talk about what to do when their sex life gets dull. If sex for you is Saturday night, lights off and missionary position it may be long past the time to heat things up. Even if it’s more frequent with an interesting repertoire, an inventive sex life can still become routine. Have you tried anything new in the last year? Have you planned a sensual date night? Have you ever had a truly honest talk about sexual fantasies? Do you know what your fantasies are? Or what are the most common fantasies for your gender? Have you ever role-played?
What if you really want to try something that may seem a little out there and are too terrified to bring it up to your spouse? Where do you find the skills to discuss and negotiate sexual play in a culture where you never talk openly about sex? Most Canadian homes can discuss politics, neighbours or pop culture around the dinner table. Very few dinner tables are open enough to joke about or have any kind of sexual conversations.
The inner place we inhabit sexually is one of our most personal and intimate places. Most of us are afraid to show off our sexual selves as it leaves us too open and vulnerable. This personal sexual seclusion often forces us to exclude the partner we share a household and life with. We may worry that our partners will find us perverted if we share our secret selves. Or worse, laugh at our sensual desires. The truth is that most people name having a terrific sex life as one of the fundamental requirements in having a great marriage. For a majority of people having good sex is a priority. So why are so few couples having what we call “mind blowing, toe-curling sex?”
We decided that the need to learn sexual communication skills is fundamentally important in relationships. Men and women often need to collectively contemplate new sexual ideas before they decide whether or not a potentially new kind of sexual play is interesting to them. So we designed this course.
It is a workshop for couples and singles who want to be able to find their voices when discussing their sexual desires. It’s for people who want to avoid the landmines when speaking up about acting out their desires. It’s also for people who want to know what’s going on in a stuffy, government town like Ottawa. Most people want to make sure that their neighbours aren’t having hotter, more interesting sex than they are. With speakers that include Ottawa’s leading Dominatrix, an intimacy and tantra leader, a burlesque performer, and a local lifestyle couple, this course is about acquiring knowledge and communicating around it.
Hosted by Ottawa sex therapist and talk show host Sue McGarvie and her husband Blaik Spratt, it’s more than a series of information lectures. It’s therapy on learning to communicate and understand your sexuality in relation to your partners. It’s more than the mechanics of sex, more than what’s out there, and safe enough to allow you to hear where other participants are in the process of finding their authentic sexual selves.
The course begins Sunday, April 13th, 2014 at the Masonic Temple in Westboro (Byron and Churchill). It is from 2:30 to 4:30 and continues five consecutive Sunday afternoons. Find out more by contacting Sue and Blaik at suem@rogers.com. www.sexwithsue.com will also give you an outline.

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The five new facts about your health, and sexuality you've got to hear about.

b&w5Spring is the time when all the graduating medical and Ph.D. students publish their dissertations on what’s new in the area of sex and relationships. They have a number of cutting edge insights plus the occasional weird study that you can’t believe someone would actual spend years doing their graduate thesis on.
I’ve looked through the good, bad, and the I-can’t-believe-they-give-research- grants-for-this-stuff articles and I’ve come up with the best 5 new insights that may actually impact your life.
Inflammation
I know everything from orange juice commercials to Cosmo is talking about the benefits of Omega 3 fatty acids. It turns out the science is very compelling on why you should pick up a bottle. Sexual functioning is only one of the areas that is impacted by bumping up those fish oils. Some of the research is finding out that cellular inflammation impacts everything from chronic pain to heart attacks. A study from UBC suggests that increasing your inflammation-fighting supplements like ginger, turmeric, green tea, Omega 3, garlic and rosemary and making sure your doctor checks your blood inflammation marker (High RC protein) is critical for longevity. I know that inflammation is the biggest factor in helping women with low libido syndrome. So pass those flax seeds.
The Happiness Factor
Researchers at the University of Wisconsin have found that 50 percent of our happiness is determined by a combination of our biological heredity and early upbringing, while 10 percent is determined by our circumstances. What about the other 40 percent of our happiness? Can we stretch the limits of our preprogrammed temperaments to be happier? The answer is yes. Counterintuitive to what most people think, the researchers remind couples that marriage is not designed to make you happy—you are designed to make your marriage happy. The biggest hurdles to happiness as a couple? The study came up with 5 things; Not feeling loved (being told verbally or being touched in a loving way), not feeling special (date nights, being cherished), lack of respect, too rigid gender roles, and having your partner nitpick or nag.
Check out my audio interview with Happiness Guru Gretchen Rubin (author of The Happiness Project).
Another reason to have more sex. You make more money.
People who have frequent sex make more money, new research from the Institute for the Study of Labor in Germany reveals.
Sex four times a week will increase your financial net worth by 5%. People who get busy often tend to be happier and healthier — factors that are also linked to positive performance in the office. Earlier economic studies have proven that self-esteem, cognitive functioning and reasoning ability all correlate with income. The healthier someone is, the more money they tend to make. I tell my clients that every study over the last twenty years talks about how sex is good for you physically. Dr. Amen of Amen Clinic states that, “if your partner is denying you sex they should be charged with attempted murder”. Now it even affects your bottom line. Yet another reason to get horizontal.
Happy Wife, Happy Life
HUSBANDS ARE HAPPIER WHEN THEIR WIVES ARE SEXUALLY SATISFIED: The cliché says a happy wife is a happy life, and new research confirms it’s pretty much true. Researchers have found that a wife’s sexual satisfaction can predict her husband’s happiness. To find this, researchers from Ohio State University interviewed married couples to find out how much of an impact intimacy had on their relationship. They discovered that men reported higher levels of relationship satisfaction when their wives were sexually satisfied. Experts say this is because many men feel their main job in a relationship is to satisfy their wives sexually. Researchers say her sexual satisfaction is not just based on whether or not she orgasms, but also on the quality of foreplay, duration and frequency of sex and her partner’s adventurousness in the bedroom. (Men’s Health)
Five ways to spark your relationship
Do Go to Bed Angry
Research conducted at the University of California, San Diego, found that people often solve ongoing problems during REM. “When people sleep, the brain reshuffles memories, combining old associations and new ideas to come up with solutions.
Respect
Take care of yourself and try to put your partner’s needs as equally important. When you fight with your guy, do you vent online? Couples who post TMI photos or feud on Facebook make everyone uneasy.
Unplug After Work
“When you’re always working, there’s no division between the office and home, which increases stress in the relationship,” says Dr. Scott Haltzman, author of The Secrets of Happily Married Women. Set a time limit for work, then unwind together before bed.
Outsource Housework
Mopping and scrubbing are necessary in any household, but get this: Husbands do fewer chores than live-in boyfriends. Sociologists surmise that social norms are more defined in marriage than in dating relationships. If dirty dishes cause tension, cut back spending each week so you can hire a cleaning service, then use the newfound time you have for something fun.
Call a Money Summit
Couples don’t usually split because they don’t have enough cash, but because they can’t agree on how to manage it. “Discussing your finances each month is crucial,” says financial adviser Manisha Thakor. Do you pool your money or separate it? Do you know how much each of you has at any given time? Airing your finances regularly will sync you two for the long haul.

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Why women still think that they may be frigid.

1950'sI picked up a 1950’s book at an estate sale a few weeks ago. Entitled

    A Doctor’s Marital Guide for Patients

, it was the book given to women about to be married in the late 50’s and early 60’s. The Table of Contents included chapters on The Facts of Life, Sex, Love and Reproduction, and Principles and Techniques of Intercourse. It also had a large section on “What is Natural Sexually”, and “Obstacles to Sexual Satisfaction”. I found it strange that they had a whole block on what our fallopian tubes look like. In all my years working in sexual health, no woman has ever asked me to describe her fallopian tubes. I doubt that has changed much since the 50’s.
I usually find these kinds of historical sex books interesting in a pioneering sort of way. But this one widely circulated by Canadian physicians simply made me sad. It taught a whole generation of women that not wanting to have sex made them frigid. And that their orgasms weren’t really that important. I hate the word frigid. To me it’s a word that says that it must be our fault if we don’t want sex. That we as women, are flawed in some way for having no sexual desire. The book defined frigidity as “a condition common to women in which there is a lack of responsiveness and inability to enjoy the sex act, and for some women, even to the point of suffering pain and revulsion.” The truth is that according to Oprah 31% of the North American population of women has lost interest in sex to some extent. That doesn’t make us frigid. My gynecologist says that women who don’t want to have sex are either uninspired, unfulfilled or have unbalanced hormones. I believe that sometimes it’s all three, physical, emotional/psychological, and lack of relationship intimacy. But somehow again it seems to need a label and assigned fault. I spend much of my day as a sex therapist helping women re-claim their authentic sexual selves. When women understand their sexuality and what turns them on its amazing how quickly their sexual desires come through.
I’ve come to believe that much of the reason we’ve lost that loving feeling has to do with stress. If sex is the second most powerful drive after food, then where has that drive gone? Evolutionary biology explains that if we stress out female mammals then they stop going into heat. Too many deer in Algonquin Park and there are fewer fawns. For women it’s the same thing. If our cortisol is elevated, our sex drive is in the basement. Think about how much better sex is when you are on holiday. With no commitments, no distractions and a clean, uncluttered hotel room you can often can kick-start a lagging libido. But besides a monthly holiday lounging on a beach with a cocktail, what can you do to find your sexual Zen?
I suggest five things to start. First get to bed earlier, and eliminate any ambient light in your bedroom. Our stress hormones decrease when we power down for at least 8 hours in total darkness. Secondly, seriously increase the amount of fish oils and Vitamin D you take. I recommend 5,000 mg of fish oils, and 3,000 mg of Vitamin D daily. But make your own decision about what works for you. Third, pick up a cortisol and adrenal supplement. I love the Signature Brand Supplements out of Nova Scotia but any high-end supplement will help significantly. Fourth, increase the amount of coconut oil you take. I have a teaspoon everyday at 3 p.m. mixed with cocoa and dried cranberries. Coconut oil, (along with decreasing the bad carbs and inflammatory foods), lowers our inflammation levels and helps manage those long term stress hormones. Finally schedule a weekly block of time to simply hang out with your sweetie. Make sure it includes touch of some kind and time to simply connect. The only rule is that you don’t talk about kids, work, or problems. Just be together and talk about current events, reminisce about old memories and work on feeling close. For women, talking to our partners increases our oxytocin levels and makes us feel better. And closeness for women leads us to thinking about getting horizontal.
So instead of frigidity and thinking you are broken, understand that you are a highly stressed, female mammal. We need to write the new book on sexual self-care that keeps us healthy and sexy.
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More Valentine's Day check in's.

The Valentine’s Day check in
I had someone ask me this week if I thought Valentine’s Day was worth all the hype. She lamented that it was really a Hallmark invention and not worth the effort. The truth is that Valentine’s Day has been around for millennia. We have been celebrating it in its present form since the Middle Ages when St. Valentine secretly wed some Roman soldiers. But before St. Valentine, February 15th was a wildly popular Pagan celebration of fertility called Lupercalia. It was celebrated into the 5th century A.D, so Valentine’s Day has some serious tradition backing it. If you want to re-enact it, Lupercalia was defined by naked participants chasing women around the town square gently spanking them with goat hides. How very 50 shades of them.
But if you are not in the mood to dance naked under the full moon in order to increase your fertility (and in Ottawa during February it’s a bit chilly for that), then what are the traditional or maybe non-traditional ways to celebrate Valentine’s Day with your sweetie?
Historically, Valentine’s day is about love notes. A creative poem, love letter, or heartfelt message that you only send to your significant other. Most people don’t send Valentine’s cards to their Grandparents. I think Valentine’s Day should inspire your romantic creativity. It’s also the time of year when you pause and say to your lover that “they have your heart” and that “you would choose them all over again”. A homemade card is the perfect way to express how you feel about someone. My husband draws stick figures on a regular page of white paper and accompanies them with his ribald, and very funny rhyming poetry. They are treasured by everyone who gets them for any occasion but his Valentine’s Day efforts are legendary and are for my eyes only.
According to that shopping group that measures our spending the average North American spends $126 on Valentine’s Day and is anticipating to spend more this year. Most of that is on items like flowers and chocolate. As a therapist working with couples I know it is effort that matters. Doing something together that is memorable and out of the ordinary is what makes a difference in relationships. Most women when asked about the best date they have ever had with their sweetie mentioned the involvement of some kind of adventure. What is the one thing your partner has always wanted to do? Valentine’s Day can be the day to make that wish come true.
My favourite story involved a friend of mine and occurred when she was a student. Her boyfriend at the time convinced her to take a walk in the woods in mid February. At a designated spot he blindfolded her and lit a campfire that he had set up earlier in the day. Her Valentine’s picnic included a bottle of wine chilling in the snow, heart shaped cookies and a thermos of hot chocolate.
The truth is that Valentine’s Day can be what you make it. It may be a new release movie, a specially prepared dinner or a tub of Haagen-Dazs and candlelight. What is important is that you do some eye gazing and say something heartfelt. Don’t pass up the opportunity.

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What to do this Valentine's Day? My simple suggestion for intimacy

Sometimes guys can mean well but be clueless. It is partly because of the differences in the brain wiring and the different ways genders approach language. As a rule, and of course with exceptions, guys are more linear and respond to both acting on specific directions and solving problems put to them. Creativity is often not their particular strength. So here is where they crash into the wall known as Valentine’s Day. The media says “buy flowers, a card and a box of chocolates and you will be a hero”. So they do, and women are appreciative but are not blown away and guys don’t understand why. They did exactly what they were told and what they thought was expected. There is letdown on both sides, a $100 plus bill to be paid, and everyone ends up agreeing Valentine’s Day was a waste of time.
Clearly, something has to change. So I suggest that in advance you decide as a couple to generate some romantic time and manufacture the desired results. It sounds contrived to take the spontaneity out of it, however with multiple distractions in our daily lives some effort is actually required to focus on the one you love and it just doesn’t generally happen all by itself. Scheduling intimacy makes it a priority, and thus important in our lives.
So print this off, and read it as a couple. Here is your recipe to a night of re-connecting.
1) Book dinner at a restaurant you have never been to. (One partner can be in charge of this task)
2) Stay in physical contact with each other as much as absolutely possible at the restaurant. (You can start in the car ride on the way there). Be as naughty as is both possible and appropriate for the surroundings. A booth at the back helps!
3) No cell phones, email checks, work or kids talk. Focus on yourselves and why you fell in love. Don’t call home to check on the kids, the babysitter is doing great and the little monsters are enjoying their parental vacation.
4) Listen to your partner. Really listen! Make sure your head is clear and nuisance thoughts are not creeping in. Make him or her feel important and be your complete focus. They are the only person in the world who matters during your time together.
5) Plan something for the two of you in the reasonable future. And follow it through. Whether it be a bucket list trip, taking up a hobby together or purchasing season tickets to the opera or the upcoming football season. As long as you both are into it, or at least prepared to give it a real try, having something to look forward to is critical.
6) Leave enough time in the evening to come home for sex. Whoever didn’t book the restaurant gets the job of planning the sex. Add one new wrinkle that you both are comfortable with and which adds an element of excitement. If you have spent the evening touching, eye gazing and talking about your future, you should be very ready to cap off the night with a little horizontal dancing.
The next morning, hopefully there is a bounce in both your steps that wasn’t there the day before. And romance and Valentine’s day has been elevated to what it was intended to be.