It’s summertime, and the pile of books at my bedside waiting to take to the lake are at an all time high. I heard a fact that you could speed read all day, every day and never make a dent into all the new material being produced. With so much to choose from,  I get impatient with bad writing, (but please excuse mine, smile) and wish there were more hours in the day for which to read. Given all the sex books I get to review the sameness of them (with no new body parts or orifices for which to explore in new ways) I  become a bit of a PR rep for books I think add something to my thinking about sex. I’m finishing my documentary of female ejaculation, researching the weird and the wonderful world of the male submission psyche, and trying to understand some obscure Asian sex rituals in my role as a sex therapist. After a few drinks with my Japanese friend I had him try to explain Aime squid sex, but that’s a blog for another day as I still don’t get the appeal.

This week’s treasure is the first book by Slate Magazine’s senior editor (the online magazine partially owned by Microsoft) David Plotz, called The Genius Factory. It called out to me in the discount pile of Chapters, and is the true truth-is-stranger-than-fiction story of the Nobel Prize Sperm Bank which gathered sperm from a bunch brighter than average guys and sent them out to women in hopes of spawning a new generation of brilliant babies. The guy who started the sperm bank a rich optometrist Robert Graham who believed that the ignorant masses were breeding too prolifically and that were were dumbing down the gene pool. The whole thing reads like a comedy of errors, but it was compelling, and I couldn’t put it down. The reality is that these kids seem to to turn out like all other kids in a similar environment and brilliant Dads certainly don’t guarantee you brilliant kids.

I happen to think that the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, (and given the crazy, colorful-but kind nature of my extended family I’m not sure how comforting that is), and that nature is every bit as strong if not more so than nurture. Considering people tend to marry those most like themselves, if brains kept being enhanced each generation then we would have had a super race long before now. My pediatrician said something profound when my son was an infant. She believes that “kids are dealt their hand of cards at birth, and that we only help them handle and cope with the particular cards they have.” She would have some insight into that, and my kids personalities seem to be similar to the way they were as babies. As a parent, I am far more concerned with how happy my kids are, and wonder if there is a cheerful gene that can be passed or turned on (especially when confronted with a defiant nine year old). My Mother the Minister, has a saying in her sermon about grace that “we are as happy as we choose to be”. I know that what makes me happy is finding a great book that makes me think. And while it doesn’t have all the answers,  David Plotz and the Genius Factory shows some gifted writing and allows the reader to come to their own conclusions. All I know is that in telling about what I was reading it made great dinner conversation. And my Dad and brother are fighting over who gets to read it next. And in my family, that’s the best review there is.

Another day, another bunch flurry of emails about getting into bed with your neighbors. No kidding, it’s not just you who are thinking about it.  Or at least checking in case your neighbors are having better sex than you are, and you’re missing out. You know all the men are thinking about it, and wishing they could find a way to bring it up swinging in a way that won’t offend the woman in their lives. Talking about exploring sex with other couples can be very difficult, and I’m not minimizing it. But with a few clear rules, and a few hundred thousand conversations about it, and you may be ready to experiment.

Most people have no place to ask about the pitfalls, concerns and trepidations about exploring the arena of multiple partners. I’ve long thought that if you are in a good relationship with an ability to communicate, venturing into the couples-only adult clubs, are safe and erotic enough.  I would venture that 40% of the couples who go to clubs just go to hang out and watch, and take in a sexually charged environment. And then go home and jump their partner after they are all revved up. Watching people get hot on the dance floor, or in a play area without fear that it will spill over into your own relationship is very interesting. Let’s face it, sex is interesting. Everyone, and I mean everyone, is curious to see how others do it. We all have a bit a voyeur in us. And, if you are a little bit of an exhibitionist, most clubs have a dance floor with a pole in the middle of it to bring out your secret stripper.  Or a play area that allows you to tune out the world and make love to your sweetie with a discreet audience watching. A novel, but safe experience.

In interviewing a number of what I would consider to be sane, happy, ordinary couples, who play, I found they all have a few things in common. They are very secure in their own relationship and with their selves. I’m not saying they are beautiful people, they can be, but for the most part, they are average looking people. It’s not about looks. It’s about how friendly they are, self confident, and having a confidence in their partner and their behavior. The successful swingers seem to stick to a set of rules that becomes their code of conduct.  A few examples are that they limit the activities with other people clearly.  They don’t play alone, or aren’t out of each other’s sight. Either party can end the experience with no questions asked, and they have to have preliminary meetings with the partner or partners in question before anything happens.  I had one couple who only play discreetly with other couples they meet in advance say that it takes four thumbs up to take it to the next step. At any time one person can veto the whole experience. It also seems to minimize the drama.  Most couples have rules that suit their particular needs.

There are pitfalls of swinging don’t kid yourself, and I’ll elaborate on those in my next installment, of Sue’s swinging manifesto. Until tomorrow.