So I’ve decided I’m going to get my pubes zapped. After decades of shaving (years of those little red bumps), ingrown hairs in hard-to-reach-spots, screaming as the hot waxed is ripped from stem to stern, melting the hair with noxious chemicals in the creams that can eat through bathroom tile, and the “stripper sugaring” where you have to be a contorsist to get the popscicle stick down and under where it needs to be.
The beauty salon in my neighbourhood spent the hundred grand and bought a laser machine that magically removes hair, along with any age and/or wrinkles. I think I’m one giant freckle down there, but after two kids and not-so-elastic skin, my strechmarks could be superimposed on any map of Ontario. I keep telling myself that I am more than my numbers…..
Anyway for a mere $150 I can be smooth as a baby’s bum on my bum and private parts. The choices are the mohawk or stipper cut where all you get is a little racing stripe, a heart shaped, natural motif of the whole enchilata gone called the brazilian. I have a girlfriend that says her sweetie spends way, way more time visiting her deforested flower since she was zapped. Food for thought, and motivation if I’ve ever heard it.
The only thing I’m worried about is the pain. Considering that I don’t even have my ears pierced, I’m that much of a wimp, the laser really can zap my most sensitive neither regions…. I’ll keep you posted.
So there is a new shot that will prevent you from getting the virus associated with genital warts that causes women cervical cancer. Considering genital warts are rampant, and close to 75% of Canadians will be exposed to the virus in their lifetime, this comes at a great time to get stabbed if you are a sexually active woman.
I asked an infectious disease doctor about it recently. A few of my recently single, 30-something friends wondered if they should pay (the few hundreds of dollars) to get the shot. It seems, that it is only meant for girls/women ages 9 to 26. Old chicks like me (if I were to choose to run around on the wonder husband) don’t need to get it because our cellular mucosa is too seasoned to adhear to the type of virus that causes the worrisome cervical cancer. It is safe, can’t hurt, and may be a thought if you are an aging party girl out doing the football team, but not as big of a worry for us older broads. I guess with mamograms and menopause looming, we have enough to worry about.
I don’t know how hot it is where you are, but here in Ontario we are experiencing a sticky 100% humidity, humidex of 41 degrees, stick to the plastic seats kid of heat wave. It’s reeking hell on my sex life.
How can you feel the urge to boff, when you can’t stand to have another human being near you? Maybe that’s when it’s a good argument to use a plenary of sex toys, but the following poem (I know you’re thinking – Sue, a poem????, but stay with me and maybe later I’ll regale you with my favourite limericks that rhyme with mulva…. but I digress) offers up some advice for summertime sex.
"when it’s hot and sun is in the sky that’s the time to lie about and sigh,
it’s when the frost is on the pumpkin, that’s the time for dinky-dunkin…"
We old married women take it where we can get it (between kids) but as i explore some findsome new sexual adventures in this heat, and will keep you posted if anything more profound hits.
Just my words to live by for a hot summer night.
Sue
The problem of sex and gravity.
No, I don’t mean the difficulty in hanging upseide down from the chandeliere during sex. I mean the running-down-the-inside-of-your thigh-mess after sex.
Most women understand thatwhat I’m talking about. The phenomenon, when after sex, you have to run to the bathroom to get a towl to hold between your legs so you won’t gush…
The loving spoonful he’s just deposited, starts to liquifies once it has a few minutes in the warmth of the vagina, and then starts it’s downward ooze. Some women claim that if you get to the bathroom fast enough, you can deposit it as the quarter size dollup into the toilet. This is why you need to have a bath, washcloth or better yet, a bidet to clean up after sex. Otherwise you start smelling like a used condom that has been forgotten in the wastepaper basket…ick. 
I’ve had a question recently, from a bunch of patients who noticed that their semen wasn’t as robust as usual. Semen can change with diet, age, prostate problems, medication etc. Given the mess it cause, a little less of a good thing might just be a great thing.
My e-mail last night was about the dreaded yeast infection! gasp! The Horror!!! the sticky, squooshy parts…. You know, Dear Sue, I’ve got that itchy, cottage cheese like discharge (hope you’re not eating…),
The Quick Fix
Barring those stupid television commercials would be a help, and giving women information on preventing and managing those infections would be a public service. Women mainly get yeast infections in the deflated balloon known as the vagina, and men get it in their sinuses, especially if they have oral sex. Think about it, it’s a warm, dark place for the yeast to inhabit. If you’re a guy who is going down on a woman (and if you’re not, you need to remedy that immediately, and with enthusiasm) you may be transferring yeast back and forth.
Think about it. It’s men’s empty (well sort of) cavity, and if guys have had too much antibiotics, their internal chemistry gets out of whack. It’s fixable, but like women’s you need the facts and a quick trip to the grocery or health food store.
The yeast and the bacteria in your body keep a happy balance. When you use too much antibiotics, it wipes out all of the good balancing bacteria, and the yeast take over the planet. Put back the healthy bacteria and give things a good flush and voila! itchy is gone, you don’t need to spend money on going to the pharmacy, just to get another infection a week later.
Healthy bacteria is the stuff in yogurt. Eating yogurt is good, but you would have to eat a vat of the damn stuff to give you the immediate results. Start taking some handfuls of the lacto or acidobacillus capsules (anything in the bacillus family) in the fridge of your health food store, and for prevention, get used to taking some everyday like a vitamin C capsule. Having daily orgasms through masturbation is the best way to flush the vagina (sneezing is the best way to clean the vagina cavity), and you should be right as rain within the next four days…
I also use liquid chlorophyll in my water to put my PH back to normal. I call it plant blood. Any good health food store will have it and it really works.
Oh and the apple cider vinegar. I have an ebook that I can send you about helping with yeast infections if you want to write me.
And if you aren’t sure that’s the problem and want to talk to me about expanding your sexual repertoire I can see you by phone or skype for a quick consultation. Reach out to me now and let’s get you fixed.
As I try to anti-spyware my computer, the intrusive, uninvited, assaultive stuff that sneaks on your system and pops up with penis enlargement spam, I am thinking that in many ways spywear is like a date with a creepy guy. Pushy, smells badly, and keeps trying to get in your pants.
Some women view porn the same way. In discussions with some women friends yesterday, it was interesting to see their acceptance or complete rejection of “adult material” (the PC term) fell completely along age lines. Under the age of 40, the women thought it was almost hip, sexy, and something they used in the bedroom to spice things up. And knowing the categories on PornHub was a badge of honour. Over 40 it was like the Erica Jong quote ” that after watching porn for five minutes you wanted to have sex, after watching it for 30 minutes, you never wanted to have sex again.”
It’s amazing to me how quickly sex is changing. It never ceases to fascinate me, and I still think being a sex therapist is the coolest job in the world. I don’t know where I was going with this, but as I muse on porn, the evil of computer viruses – (and it was probably my little brother downloading porn onto my computer when he stayed with me between apartments, that brought into the viruses in the first place), and how many keyboards must glow blue like those CSI episodes with “biological fluid”.
I think semen is cool. It balances your mood when your body absorbs it, has more prostoglandins in then the medications they use to induce labor, is good for your bones and teeth and can be hot when you are craving it. Some people find it icky. But it’s essential to reproduction and you may be surprised that your body can actually crave it. There are websites dedicated to the desire and fetish of sex fluids.
“Definition. Sexual fluid craving is a condition in which a person has feelings of depression, fatigue and even despair that are relieved when they absorb some sexual fluid, usually male sexual fluid. The condition is most common among women. It affects thousands of young women, as well as some young men. The cause appears to be a nutritional deficiency. Sexual fluid then becomes essentially a “food supplement” that some need.”
If you feel the need for the stickiness and taste isn’t just you. I’m not suggesting that if you happen to like cum you have a fetish (you may as anything that borders on obsessive can be) but there are real scientific reasons you may prefer your partner to be wet or ejaculate. Just saying…
Still feeling the love,
Sue
March 18, 2006
I had a conversation last night with a friend, and like most female conversations it didn’t take too long before it turned to kids, sex, and men. Other popular topics include birthing stories, chocolate, spirituality and shoes…). Anyway, she was telling me how her now teenage stepson is spending all of his time in the bathroom and using up all of the hot water. I told her that it was normal and teenage boys masturbate at least once a day, usually in the shower. She was floored that she hadn’t realized that was what he was doing, and no wonder her hot water bills were so high.
Isn’t that what all guys do in the shower? I talk to people about sex all day long, every day and men masturbate regularly, and yes, especially in the shower. The good news is that it’s good for you. When I started as a sex therapist I used to espouse that sex felt good, was critical for your relationship, but now I tell people, it’s imperative for your health. It’s at least as good for you as exercise (those 350-500 calorie boff’s), and forget an apple a day, it’s an orgasm a day. For guys it keeps the pipes clean, scours out the prostate and keeps your sperm fresh and your blood pressure healthy. For women who masturbate, it keeps the vagina clean and just like a sneeze cleans out the sinus cavity, an orgasm cleans the snatch out of all those viruses, bacteria, and old sperm remnants. Women who give into the urge to play with themselves are 80% less likely to get a vaginal infection. 80%!!!!! Why aren’t there bus ads telling women this? It’s like the girls who sit in the hot tub, (3rd spigot on the left shoots just the right way….), men in the shower are just emptying out the junk. Even if it does increase the hydro bill.
Sue