There is another Victoria Secret fashion show held in New York yesterday. Have a look at the pictures.
I wonder if that lingerie will support real breasts. I don’t know about other women but nothing makes me more depressed than by going into Victoria Secret and finding that nothing, and I mean nothing fits.
Here are some sites that have sizing for authentic bodies.
1. Welovecolors.com – My best source for great fitting and vibrant tights. I absolutely love their leggings and it’s where I shop.
2. hipsandcurves.com- fabulous lingerie for full figured divas. I bought my absolute sauciest corset here. Their Christmas fur lined ones are on my wish list.
3. I like legavenue.com as well. It’s here that I buy my costumes for the dance we went to in October. Worth a look if you are traveling to Hedo this year.
Infidelity (followed by drifting apart, emotional abuse and household/money conflicts) tops the reasons why we have a 52% divorce rate in Canada. I see many of the couples in the aftermath of an affair in my office. What’s interesting for many of them the act of catching your partner cheating may actually improve their marriages. Really.
It brings the problems into the forefront and forces people to look at what’s not working in their relationship. It causes couples to re-commit to staying together. It allows real honesty and forgiveness. It kicks starts sex lives. and And finally, it causes a little healthy competition that has your partner in demand by other people that makes you look at them in a whole new light.
In my opinion, many of the unfaithful partners fall into one of three categories.
1. They have an affair of convenience. Think late nights over a boardroom table, the guy next door, or someone you see regularly.
2. They are sex hounds and are attracted to newness (men) and positive attention (women).
3. There emotional needs aren’t being met in the relationship. And despite discussing them over and over, the other partner stays in denial. These ones are the most dangerous as your partner keeps looking for a soft place to land.
Do any of these sound like you? Write me at suem@rogers.com if you suspect or have found your partner being unfaithful. We can save relationships.
I was at a recent conference promoting best practices in industrial psychology. This is where the psychology of business practices are explored. I was there as a guest of my friend, a lecturer from Purdue University. What I took from it was details about how few people make a decent apology.
This means not getting defensive, not justifying your behaviour. I means not talking about how the situation is impacting you, but honestly, owing the fact that you made someone upset. And finally it is taking clear steps to solve the problem. Even if you don’t know what you did, make an effort to respect the other person’s feelings and acknowledge that they are upset goes a long, long way in solving the misunderstanding.
Now there is some new research from Business Insider that explains why women are much more likely to say “I’m sorry” than men are.
Women are more easily offended than men. In turn, they perceive more of their own behavior as improper, requiring an apology:
Despite wide acceptance of the stereotype that women apologize more readily than men, there is little systematic evidence to support this stereotype or its supposed bases (e.g., men’s fragile egos). We designed two studies to examine whether gender differences in apology behavior exist and, if so, why. In Study 1, participants reported in daily diaries all offenses they committed or experienced and whether an apology had been offered. Women reported offering more apologies than men, but they also reported committing more offenses. There was no gender difference in the proportion of offenses that prompted apologies.
And here is what the study from the University of Waterloo concluded.
Men, according to conventional wisdom, are stubbornly unwilling to apologize. Countless pop psychology books have referenced this reluctance, explaining that our egos are too fragile to admit we’re wrong, or we’re oblivious to important nuances of social interaction. But newly published research suggests that these explanations miss the mark. Writing in the journal Psychological Science, University of Waterloo psychologists Karina Schumann and Michael Ross report that men are, indeed, less likely to say “I’m sorry.” But they’re also less likely to take offense and expect an apology from someone else. Their conclusion is that “men apologize less frequently than women because they have a higher threshold for what constitutes offensive behavior.” Whether on the giving or receiving end, males are less likely to feel an unpleasant incident is serious enough to warrant a statement of remorse. Either way, this disconnect creates “unfortunate consequences for mixed-gender interactions,” Schumann and Ross note. “For example, if women perceive offenses that their male romantic partners do not notice, women might interpret an absence of an apology as evidence that their partners are indifferent to their well-being. Similarly, men may regard their female partners as overly sensitive and emotional.”
For many of the couples I work with trying to find time to connect sensually is challenging. Life gets in the way. Between work, kids, extended families, housework, friends, and community commitments romance time takes a back seat. I’ve long preached the importance of a regular, standing date night. In our house we always book something fun, and sensuous at least once a week. Intimate time needs to be a habit. If you go too long without connecting in a sensuous way it becomes awkward. That elephant in the room and it’s easier just to go to bed. However couples that don’t have sex start to feel disconnected. They begin to think they are roommates, or “friends who parent”. I think date nights are one of the five things that couples NEED to do to stay married. It’s way cheaper than hiring my brilliant sister-in-law the divorce attorney.
So what can you do to keep that heat? To this end I’m posting an up-to-date list of ideas about great, sensuous date nights that don’t cost a fortune, but help create come fun and intimate connections. I’m going to try and add 5 new ideas a quarter so keep coming back and reading the newsletters. If you need me to help you by setting up a timetable and “cracking the whip” so to speak, I would be happy to do so. I’m covered by all group health insurance plans so it’s essentially FREE. Send me a note now to suem@rogers.com. Whether by phone or in person, I’ll get you back on track.
I won’t promise that these tips will change your life, but I will say that if you leave them in the bathroom with a few pages highlighted, you may be surprised about how open your partner is to trying new things….
1. Drive around naked (or under a towel or wrap with nothing else on). Find a place to go parking that is off the beaten path. In Ontario cars are considered private property, and you have the expectation of privacy if you are well away from other people in a secluded environment. Speaking of naked, try nude sunbathing on one of the clothing optional beaches or campgrounds in Canada. They are safe, slightly naughty and I bet there is one near you. check out the www.fcn.ca, or www.aanr.com for a spot near you.
2. Picnics and outdoor sex generally crank up the endorphins. The best story I heard was from a 85 year old couple who always had weekly picnics. In the backyard during the summer and in the living room in the winter. They considered their picnic basket one of their most prized possessions.
3. Do it yourself bondage. By placing two hands in a pillow case behind your back and lying down, your own body weight safely and easily traps your hands for quick immobilization. Cheap handcuffs from the dollar store have a universal key and are easy to get out of. Simple, and I bet you haven’t tried a set in ages.
4. Canadian Tire or hardware store sex toys. Visit the house wares and get a “massager” that plugs into the wall. 110 volts makes the best sex toys. Try a drop sheets can be used for rolling around in oil, practicing squirting, and playing with chocolate body paint. Paint brushes for warm oil, ceiling hook to attach the rope too….whatever floats your boat.
5. Shop online for sex toys. Even if you don’t buy anything read about what’s new. My favourite these days are www.pinkcherry.com and who would have thought, Amazon are all decent sites. Sex toy shops in person in your ‘hood often have great classes where you can learn everything from Japanese rope bondage, to making your own sex toys.
6. Dollar store shopping. Cheap paintbrushes for writing on your body in oil, water based paints for getting really creative, water balloons (get wet inside and out), lightest sandpaper for a full body scruffing, and small LED flashlights (for playing gynecologist). Try something fun and add it to your tickle trunk.
7. Douche bags to clean out vaginas (and separate ones for rectums). With warm water, it helps clean out every orifice and makes the way clear for loads of oil and lube for vaginal play or anal sex. The ones I bought from the drug store are called vaginal syringes. They make you feel clean and fresh. I use a little vinegar and water and am far more likely to get frisky if I know my partner will find me pleasant.
8. Butterscotch instant pudding. Or chocolate, vanilla or anything that tickles your fancy or your taste buds. 5 minutes and you’ve got a fun activity. I use it in combination with the drop sheet. More women I know have tried oral sex with pudding than anything else. Just saying…
9. Adventure camping – White-water rafting, bungee jumping or anything that gets your adrenaline pumping will kick start things in the bedroom. The new study from Rutgers university supports all the earlier research that adrenaline bonds, and increases your testosterone levels.
10. Tea and ice cubes- The combination of the hot and cold on your genitals can be quite the sensation. Simple fun and erotic things you can add to spice things up this weekend.
It may be as simple as picking up a bottle of wine. The important thing is that even a $1 novelty item in the bedroom helps peak your interest. Set aside a date time and talk to your partner. It’s worth it.
If you want to look into pre-made date nights, consider joining the Ducklings! We are a social date-night group where the activities are planned for you. Idiot-proof romance and fun!
Most people of a certain age now remember the infamous Anne Landers survey that suggested that a majority of Landers/Dear Abbey readers would rather have a hot bath and a book than have sex with their partners. Well now there is a new study out this week that claims that 29% of couples need “me time”.
Having enough space, or privacy, in a relationship is even more important to a couple’s happiness than a good sex life, according to a recent unpublished analysis of data from an ongoing federally funded longitudinal study. And women tend to be more unhappy with the amount of space in their marriage than men.
The finding: 29% of spouses say they don’t have enough time to themselves in their relationship, and more wives than husbands complained of this lack of me-time. Twice as many unhappy spouses said “lack of time for self” was their main reason for being unhappy than those who cited an unsatisfying sex life.
So what does this mean for your own relationship? I think independence and vivaciousness are sexy. I think dependency and having nothing new to add to a relationship are not. Scheduling time together where you explore common interests and connect are critical. So is time to putter, do errands, have lunch with friends, and explore interests outside of the relationship. It gives you something to talk about at the end of the day.
My in-laws who by all account had a world class marriage since they met as teenagers claim the secret of their marriage was the “4 pm sherry” they had every day of their married lives. As a recent widow, my Mother-in-law says it is that afternoon re-connection time that she misses most. She said they brought in their different time and experiences over the day and shared them with each other. They also had the latitude to have outside interest that included boards, choir, church committees, golfing and time with their friends. She claimed it was that combination of together and apart that made her marriage magic.
So what do you do?
I’ve long believed that scheduled, consistent, sensuous date nights save marriages. I now am learning that a healthy outside interest maintains interest and sanity. Your partner fell in love with that dynamic you. Make a real effort to not let that person disappear.
Everyone comes into a relationship with sensitivities from a previous relationship. Even if it is your first great love you may have dealt with tempers, substance abuse, parental infidelities that impact yor current relationship.
The key to keeping it hot going forward is to own your past and not to let it get the best of you going forward.
1. You have an ex with a bad temper.
This means you are skittish about conflict. Realize conflict happens in all relationships. It’s about how you fight- not that you fight. You need to stop it before it gets ugly or anyone says something you don’t want to say. But you also have to understand that running away or pulling back at the first sign of frustration also doesn’t work. I remind my patients of the adage “the calmest person in the room always wins”.
2. Your previous partner cheated.
This means you are going to be distrustful and look into anything that might not seem kosher overly closely. Declare this upfront. And mention that ambivalent of wishy-washy information will cause your antennae to come up. Even if they are completely innocent.
3. Your ex made negative comments about how you looked.
Remind yourself that person was a dweeb. Usually it was because they are insecure and needed to put you down in order to feel better. If you don’t have a guy that tells you that you are beautiful LEAVE. Hwever don’t be insecure with your new one always fishing for compliments. Do go to the gym, the spa and do things to look good. It’s important to feel good in you own skin. The opposite sex finds that sexier above all.
4. Your past relationships have hit the bottle too hard.
You have to understand your values in this department. In my books there is a zero tolerance for things like being impaired at work, or when you have to drive, or being responsible for kids. On the other hand drinking responsibly with friends is fine. You need to outline your comfort level and remove yourself if you aren’t comfortable. Be realistic and don’t project. But also know that substance abuse is a deal breaker in any relationship as the partner will be at the emotional age of a teenager.
I’m working on a blog about “best hacks that psychologists use on themselves to fix their own emotional issues”.
A quick cheat sheet is that my top three are:
1. Emotional Freedom technique. Tapping on the trigger points to have your brain re-process emotion. Read about it.
2. Meditation. I’m a big fan of Dan Harris and his model about pulling together both sides of the brain in 5 minutes a day. Check out his book called Meditation for Fidgety Skeptics.
3. Passion pursuits. Find something, anything that gives you a charge. I’m a beekeeper. I have a friend who is in a ukulele band. It keeps you from being boring.
www.sexwithsue.com, www.loveandlipstick.com
I asked my Mother (who's in Ministry with the United Church of Canada) what she thought made a great relationship.
Her thoughts were that were good relationships (although she couldn't suggest one I could interview for my show, nor could I come up with an example of a great marriage.)
This was her list:
-Stood the test of time
-Realized it had ups and downs and that there was no such thing as perfection.
-Comfortable with each other
-Passion and an implicit trust
-Similar values
-Similar interests
-Same core beliefs, and the comittment to spend your life with that person.
-Having both people be all they can be.
Thanks Mom. Check out her bed and breakfast at St. Lawrence B & B in Morrisburg.
The theme of Love and Lipstick is all about great relationships. We came up with a few lists of what makes one of these almost elusive "magical marraige".
Here was the list I generated:
1. Having laugh-out loud humour. Certainly the Ruetger's University study suggests a sense of humour will carry you through.
2. Push yourself beyond your comfort zone. We have a fridge magnet that I see every day that says "life begins at the end of your comfort zone".
3. Unemcumbered time. Do nothing but talk, walk on the beach, rub the other's feet, and just connect.
4. Make sure your life has sensuous, erotic and intimate moments. That doesn't always mean sex, but that does mean adult, alone, let's be slightly naughty.
5. Fell safe enough to tell your partner anything.
6. Don't judge your partner. Feel free to tell them anything – from I scratched the car to fantasies.
7. No knock-down, drag out fights. One or the other stops it before it gets ugly.
8. Date nights, and a real effort despite crazy lives to get out together and be together.
9. Don't ever, ever, threaten the relationship. No saying "if you do that I'm out of here…"
10. Finally try if you can to put your partners needs ahead of your own. If you both do it, then you both get your needs met.
Tune in this week as we explore hormones, libido and staying connected despite no longer being 20.
Cheers!
Sue
Valentine's day is always a popular one with relationship therapists. Go figure. But instead of the standard, schmaltzy, contrived Valentine's ideas, I'm going to list my best suggestions of experiences to do this Valentine's day that will get her naked.
1.Think hot tub and back massage for starters. Warmed oil (I like the chocolate scented oils) will have her start to purr.
2. Rent a thriller or scary/ horror movie instead of the typical romantic comedy. Her dopamine and adrenaline will be aroused by the intense movie, and her body can't differential scary arousal from sexy arousal. Your sweetheart should be putty in your arms.
3. Go get samples of the best new cologne for men from the department store. You are doing a smell test with her. Put a little test patch on your arm and have her smell it. Get her to determine which "blind sample" she likes best. Yes, it's good to choose a cologne she likes, but it is more important for her to simply smell you. Scent is women's sex sense (men are visual) and smelling you, will immediately put her in the mood.
4. A hand holding walk. Preferably wearing one of your jackets or a peice of your clothing. It covers her in phermones, and makes her feel safe. The walk will lower her stress cortisol levels and make her more receptive.
5. Show her the new we vibe. I love this little toy (www.wevibe.com) and it's small enough to keep in your pocket and use as a massager. No batteries or plugs required/
6. Check out the new book Sweeping her off her feet with food, by chef Eric Lee. www.sweepingher.com. I loved the recipes, and it offers step by step instruction for romancing her with food.
7. Chocolate, berries and red wine. Fantastic panti removers. Fresh strawberries, blue berries, and bananas in a bowl. Get a mixture of dark and semi sweet chocolate chips, a little olive oil and melt at a low temperature (take immediately off the stove once melted). The mixture of the tannins of the wine, the antioxidents int heberries, and the potassium of the bananas (along with the serotonin boosting chocolate) will have her wiggling.
8. Burn a "world famous make-out cd". Blaik swears by the killer music to boff to. The legend started in residence at university where one amazing tape was booked in advance for date nights. More women are auditory than visual, and familiar, well thought out music is a great gift that has her playing right into your hands.
More ideas to come as we head into the Valentine's Day weekend. Read my last year's blog about why Valentine's day is so important, and stay tuned to inexpensive, last minute ideas.
One of the questions I regularly ask my patients is "Tell me about the best sex you've ever had". Nobody has the same answer, but I get commentsabout the most attractive partners, the range of repetoire, the newness of the partner, and exciting places.
However, lately, the thoughts about the best sex ever have been about how the moment made you feel (especially when I query patients older than 50). It's about the intimacy – or the connection that you make during the sex that gives you the goosebumps. That's what makes it special. in my I wrote a blog a few weeks ago about the research Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz did about the eye gazing, and how feeling close to one's partner made sex better.
One of my patients asked me about my favourite sexual memory, and how do I quantify great sex. In thinking about it, I think it has a little to do location, a little to do with magical visual shots in my brain, and a little to do with scent. Scent is the sense with the strongest link to memory, and I think women are far more likely to remember smells when recanting a special sexual experience than the men I interview.
For me, magic is the full moon, the sound of wolves and loons howling, and of being outside by the water having forbidden sex. Or the way the sun made the water sparkle while floating behind the dock and having penetration on a busy lake in the middle of the afternoon. The smell of wet grass in the rain, and the sight of frogs jumping as we went looking for a spot to christen. Suntan lotion, and sex on the beach. hmmm maybe there is something about outside sex that makes it magic and memorable. Give that some thought as we head into a weekend of warm nights, and glistening bodies.
Another sex study was released last week. This time, I know the author (another Ottawa based sex therapist- watch out, we are taking over the world!). Peggy Kleinplatz, a professor of Psychology at The University of Ottawa has commissioned a study that shows it's those gooey feelings- not the latest gadget that makes sex outstanding. The study, titled The Components of Optimal Sexuality: A Portrait of ‘Great Sex’, suggests that sexual fulfilment has far less to do with technique and perfect bodies — elements most often ascribed great significance by popular culture — and more to do with such factors as presence, connection and erotic intimacy.
“Unfortunately, popular culture tells people that great sex is about varying your routines, trying new positions, buying new sex toys,” says Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz, lead author of the study.
For the study, Kleinplatz and colleague Dana Ménard interviewed 64 people — from all over the world but most from the U.S. — who had experienced great sex.
Twenty-five of those were 60 or older — recruited specifically for their age and experience in long-term relationships.
The Ottawa Citizen summarized her eight findings. It is keeping with the study on long tern love that suggested great relationships have elements of communication, trust, intimacy, adventure, openness, and the need to put your partner's needs ahead of your own.
Here are the Eight elements of great sex that contribute to the earth-moving, wall socket, mind-blowing let's-do-this-again sex.
1. Being present, focused and embodied
According to the study, being fully and completely present during sexual experiences was the first and most frequently mentioned factor contributing to great sex. As one woman described, ‘You are not a person in a situation. You are it. You are the situation.’
‘It’s being fully alive,’ says Kleinplatz, ‘in one’s skin, engaged with the partner — emotionally, intellectually, physically, spiritually — in the moment.’
2. Connection, alignment, merger, being in sync
The report, printed Thursday in The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, notes that ‘the depth of the connection between partners was one of the most critical elements of the experience regardless of duration of the relationship.’
3. Deep sexual and erotic intimacy
Kleinplatz describes this as the foundation of a relationship in which optimal sexuality becomes a possibility. It involves deep mutual respect, caring, genuine acceptance and admiration. As Kleinplatz notes, ‘you can’t trust just anyone.’
4. Extraordinary communication, heightened empathy
While marital counsellors are trained in teaching communications skills to clients, Kleinplatz describes the study’s participants as having ‘black belts’ in communications.
‘These weren’t people who learned all about the other sex’s genitalia and then just applied the technique,’ she says. ‘These were people who were so engaged in and with their partners’ bodies that they could read their partners’ responses, not only touching them, but feeling them.”
5. Authenticity, being genuine, uninhibited, transparency
‘This is pretty much the opposite of self-consciousness,’ says Kleinplatz. ‘It’s allowing oneself to be emotionally naked while being seen by a partner.’ One of the study’s subjects noted ‘I don’t know that I’m capable of having great sex anymore without caring about a partner.’
6. Transcendence, bliss, peace, transformation, healing
Participants in the study often reported a sense of timelessness or the infinite during great sex. ‘There was often a moment of aliveness beyond anything they’d experienced before,’ says Kleinplatz. ‘Their experience often really was exalted, and (the subjects) would use language borrowed from religion to describe it, because there are no words in the vocabulary of sexology to describe it.’
7. Exploration, interpersonal risk-taking, fun
This, says Kleinplatz, is where participants describe sex as an adventure. She uses a line from The Who song Bargain: ‘I’m looking for a free ride to me. I’m looking for you.’
‘I’ve always thought it was one of the most erotic lines I’ve heard,’ she adds. ‘This is about being on a journey of self-discovery, with sex as the pathway.
‘And it’s also a lot of fun.’
8. Vulnerability and surrender
‘If authenticity is about what’s happening within and choosing to be emotionally naked,’ Kleinplatz explains, ‘vulnerability is more about the willingness to be seen naked. It’s an awareness that I’m letting you inside of me, penetrating one another’s souls.’
I was waiting for my Dad last week at the arrivals gate at the airport. He was flying back from Europe and I had to stand outside the international arrivals for a good hour while he made his way through customs. I think everyone should people watch at the airport regularly. I left thinking about the people I saw there, not knowing more about them but what their body language told, but the connections have resonated with me all week.
I had forgotten how moving reunions could be. There were little kids with homemade signs and balloons, and families of all sizes and descriptions hugging and jumping around in the middle of the concourse. A couple of reunions were particularly noteworthy. One was a very elderly woman being pushed in a wheelchair out of the gate by the flight attendant. A young couple with a brand new baby was waiting for her. The young woman hugged her hard and reached down and gave her the baby to hold, telling her "to meet her new great-grandchild". The elderly woman, and then the young woman started to cry. I saw a look of absolute joy on the older woman's face with tears running down her wrinkled cheeks as she looked down on the very new baby.
The other, was a tall man in his early 20's with a backpack who only had eyes for the short brunette who raced through the crowd to find him. They stood, oblivious to everything around them holding each other. They were so into each other that I had to gentle mentioned that they were about to be run over by a guy pushing a stack of luggage carts. She never let go of his hand, and she was so in love that she glowed. Those kind of demonstrations of love are a gift to everyone else around them. Well worth the $15 in parking fees.
www.sexwithsue.com www.schoolofsquirting.com, www.solveprematureejaculation.net