Sexuality workshops starting April 26th, 2015

Your happiness depends on it.
Intimacy workshops starting April 26th, 2015. From romance to hanging from chandeliers.
Couples Workshop on intimacy, keeping it hot, and romance
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One of the most common questions I get asked from clients is how do you keep up the passion? Especially for people who have been together for a long time. Finding out what’s new in sex, and exploring things you may not have tried is the theme of this new workshop. So if you are asking questions like; What if we want to try something a little more risqué? or How do we try it with grace and integrity? then you may want to consider this workshop for singles and couples. Sex Therapist Sue McGarvie and her husband Blaik Spratt are presenting a 4 week workshop on outlining all of the mild and wild things you can do to create a smoking hot relationship- all without stepping on relationship landmines. This is for couples (and singles) that know they want to ignite the passion within and to learn about new sexual experiences in a safe, professional atmosphere. Sue McGarvie (sex with Sue) has been talking about sex in Ottawa for close to 25 years. Along with her husband Blaik, they can be your tour guides into what might be the best way to safely spark up your love life.
Find out how amazing your sex life could be this spring with topics that include:
What turns you on?
Where are you on the sexual continuum? Where is your partner and what does it all mean?
What is your Love Language and how does your sweetie feel loved?
Sensual touch and Tantric sex.
Burlesque, body image and how to move in a sexy way.
Toys, sexual communication, and expanding your sexual repertoire.
Covered under workplace benefits plans and it makes a great date afternoon. It’s happening in Westboro, Sunday’s from 2 to 3:30 for four consecutive weeks. April 26, May 3rd, May 10th and May 17th.
Sign up now!
$300 with munchies, refreshments and a full book new ideas!





EH1 Course Agenda Spring 2015 ( 2 – 3:30 pm )
Week 1 (April 26)
Topics Activities / Events
Participant Introduction
General Course Introduction Guest speaker – finding your sexy self
What Turns You On Where’s Your Spot?
Fantasy vs Reality Who is your fantasy?
EH Continuum Scale Continuum Game
Week 2 (May 3)
Topics Activities/ Events
Love Languages
Sexual Communication
Gender Differences
Social Nudity Guest Speaker – Understanding your parts
Week 3 (May 10)
Topics Activities/ Events
5 Steps Of Apology
Tantric Sex
Sensual Massage
Sex Toys
Boudoir Guest Speaker – What’s new in sex
Week 4 (May 17)
Topics Activities / Events
Guest speaker – Dipping a toe
Negotiation Guest speaker – Being sexy
Jealousies / Insecurities Fantasy Exercise
Communication Play partner Continuum
What’s new in sex? What turns you on? Fantasy vs. Reality. Gender differences and communication. Sensual touch and Tantric sex. Burlesque, body image and how to move in a sexy way. Toys, ropes, massage and expanding your sexual repertoire.
For four consecutive weeks on Sunday afternoons we are having a kick-ass workshop on everything you can do to keep your relationship soling hot. Think of it as fun group therapy with the best sexuality speakers in the city. A full insurance receipt is provided (so the cost is covered under your benefits plan). That means essentially free, and we have cookies! Cutting edge information that makes a huge difference in your intimate life. $75 per week or $300 for four weeks. It’s happening in Westboro, Sunday afternoons 2 to 3:30 pm in May. It makes a great date afternoon, or connect with new people as a single.
Starts April 26th, 2015
This workshop is for couples who wish to learn and understand the dynamics in enhanced sexual relationships. This course is also recommended for couples who want more information beyond an introduction to what is out there to experience. So if you are asking questions like; How do I bring up and possibly negotiate expanding our sex life to include new forms of play? and If we do walk that path, how do we maximize the experience while minimizing the risk?, then this may well be for you.
Sue McGarvie,

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Small Penis Size

 

It’s a huge issue in male body image

As a sex therapist, I am constantly seeing men who are worried about their virility. Much of it has to do with the size, shape, and function of their penises. It is really surprising to most women how concerned men are about their equipment.  Women really don’t get it. We think penises are mysterious and cool. We know that for the most part, our sexual satisfaction has to do with how great you are with your hands and your mouth as well, not just a penis your size or how long you can bang us for. Yes, women like intercourse, but a majority of women get their most powerful orgasms by intercourse. Only 30% of women reach orgasm from intercourse alone, regardless of the size of a man’s penis.

When I started my practice, I used to see more men that were too big rather than too small. I had a number of men whose partners were sore or flat-out refused to have sex with someone who was too physically big. Most women have vaginas that are less than 6 inches when elongated. If you are 6 inches or bigger, your penis banging on her cervix hurts.

Trying to communicate that to a man who is concerned about his penis size and shape is often a therapeutic process.  As I mentioned in my blog, sex is where we are most vulnerable. Our identity about sex is often established early with lifetime ramifications. Men try and compensate. They can be fantastic in all other areas of their lives but if they are insecure about their size, ejaculation control, or sexual prowess it can be all they think about.

“Regardless of how successful he is in business, in politics, in art, in science, if he fails in the bedroom, it is his total failure.“

– Dr. Krakovsky on Men’s psychological state towards their penis and sexuality.

Therapy for penis size includes disseminating lots of information. Trying to understand the statistics about actual size helps. I also preach the message to men that they are way more than their penis length  (it works when discussing all aspects of body image). Other men can have PDD or penile dysmorphic disorder. They have an unrealistic and often very negative view of their genitals.  In one study, psychologists showed anonymous pictures of the erections of men who suffer from PDD to random women.  Impartial comments with no edits can help men bring their own view of themselves back into line with what is an accurate reflection.  Visualization, sexual hypnosis, and support groups also help. I suggest including men with PDD in general sexuality workshops (keeping it hot, what’s new in sex). The workshops offer dialogue with real women talking about real sex (as opposed to pornography)

What’s upsetting is that so many men with real or perceived small penises will avoid dating or getting involved in a sexual relationship. And these are great guys. I see them all the time and they are so wounded. I hear the jokes “I am a bee with testicles” or “I’m a Ken doll”. In many cases, they are really average or just below average statistically. If they are not there are things we can do.

“No matter how good of a person I am, no matter how well I do in other aspects of my life I will always measure my worth with my sexual abilities and my sexual organ. To fail in this is to fail in all things regardless of their relevance to each other.”

– Quote from an anonymous client.

There are things that actually work to increase penis size. Some of the medical pumps are effective in increasing girth by up to an inch. And when it comes to sexual pleasure, I tell men that width is much more of a barometer than length is.

We can do concrete things to help. I’ve had anonymous “dick pics” of clients evaluated by groups of women with honesty and accuracy. It can help re-frame what’s real and what’s just watching too many overly-endowed porn stars. I had a group of women honestly answer what they want sexually. “I am a woman over 40. I don’t care what he does with his cock. I just want to know what he can do with his hands and his mouth”. I’ve had a number of petite women who much, much prefer a smaller penis for the fit.

In my opinion, penile surgery is not a great option for men other than those with a true micro penis. As one client said “I have looked into penile surgery before and tend to check into it every few years to see if any new breakthroughs have evolved. I am aware of the high risk (and cost) of these procedures and have opted out of them because of those risks.”

Many men measure themselves and their size in comparison to other men. I say that the locker room or urinal is not an accurate measure of male penis sizes. Neither is porn. Looking down on a penis gives you a distorted view and looking up at one makes it look substantially bigger.  Not to mention, the penis is constantly changing based on the level of arousal from completely independent thoughts.

Book your appointment now

All services are offered either face-to-face or by phone/skype. 

If you have concerns or questions, often one appointment to get the information you need can make a world of difference.  Ease your mind.  Book a session today – in person, by phone or by Skype.  Rate is $125 for 60 minutes.

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The Anti-Valentine’s Day Movement. Or how to celebrate your singleness.

anti1There is a growing movement of people who want to say “shove it to Valentine’s Day”. Singles have long felt left out of the sappy “let’s connect” roses and chocolate messages of the holiday. Now Anti Valentine’s parties are all the rage. These are parties decorated with dead roses. The have rules like: You must not bring any chocolate, wine or champagne to the party. Black things such as Guinness or a cake with black icing are preferred. Or heart shaped cupcakes with knives through them. Black is also the color theme for clothing. Anti V-Day songs like Roxette’s “It must have been love”, or “Love hurts” by Gram Parsons are the anthems. The Anti V-Day movement is to celebrate being single and loving it! Or to at least have friends around when you draw horns on your ex’s picture. It’s also about loving oneself, wherever you are in life.
So what can you do to feel powerful if you aren’t hooked up as part of a couple? Well you can get in the mood of the Anti V-Day celebrations by making your own voodoo doll for all the ex’s who need to be prodded with a sharp pin. Or you can go with the theme of many of these parties “Love stinks, so let’s drink”. But I’m advocating a more positive approach and coming up ways to announce your awesomeness to the world.
There are a few ideas to embrace your singleness. I do a vision board exercise with my Women’s Body Image and Sexuality Workshops that I run. Check out the Ducklings site for ongoing information. Powerful statements of self-love like “You love when you are ready, not because you are lonely” or “because good enough isn’t good enough for you” can become mantras.
Do some things you can’t do if you were in a relationship. I’m not advocating sleeping with the football team, but go crazy doing something unconventional that is hard to do when you are with somebody that makes demands on your time. Like take a spur-of-the-moment trip. Update your profile to single and loving it.
Make business cards and hand them out to cool people with your fun (and safe) email address on it. Start a gratitude journal. There are lots of things you can do to really embrace your life as it is right now. If you have enough like-minded friends have an Anti V-Day party. Get everyone to dress up as cupids gone very, very bad. Think naughty and armed angels as sexy as you want to be. Sounds like fun. And if you really want to be in a relationship then make a vow that 2015 is going to be your year. Be the interesting person that people want to get to know. Deal with some of that lingering baggage (therapy can help) and get rid of that “poor me, pity party stuff”. Life is too short to be needy.
So whatever your take is on Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to embrace it. Whether it’s couple love, group love (those polyamorous people shouldn’t be excluded) or self love then make the most of this February 14th. If you are struggling with singleness and want to finally do something about it then I can help. I’ve helped hundreds of people find love and I am no-nonsense, cut-to-the-chase when I do therapy for finding love. Reach out, I can help.

Solving Erection Problems (ED).

ed2Although I am not a guy, I do have a fairly good understanding of the feelings of panic and despair when your penis doesn’t rise to the occasion. I’ve been speaking to men for 25 years about their genitals. I’ve had men in my office from 18 to 91 all of whom had challenges getting it up. Performance anxiety or physical reasons for erectile dysfunction (ED) can happen at any age, however, the good news is that there are a myriad of things you can try to get the plumbing back to normal. So what can you do beyond a little gold or blue pill? I finished my training as a sex therapist the year before Viagra was approved. I may be dating myself, but we were taught to use a whole range of suggestions and possible solutions for erection problems that don’t come with the headaches and flushed faces often associated with the use of today’s pharmaceuticals. I really do understand the stress that not being able to perform can cause. I have a number of solutions that your doctor may not have the time or knowledge to discuss with you and that you may not know about.

The top medical reasons for erectile dysfunctions are:

  • Diabetes
  • High blood pressure medication• High cholesterol• Excess smoking/drinking (especially controlled substances)
  • Anti-depressants and other medications
  • Prostate issues
  • Hormonal imbalances (primarily low Testosterone)

Those are the most common physiological things that affect erections. As for emotional/psychological or relationship reasons, they include:

  • Performance anxiety. That’s the physical reaction to being in a new situation or the stress of feeling that you aren’t pleasing your partner sexually. Premature Ejaculation can be a symptom of this.
  • Too much porn or chronic masturbation
  • Getting sexual needs met elsewhere. This includes nocturnal emissions (wet dreams) among other sexual releases.
  • Overall stress. This can be anything from other people in the house, work pressures, not enough sleep, etc.

The need for newness. I believe that men are programmed for sexual newness. This doesn’t necessarily mean getting a new partner, but doing it the same way for years can really take the fun out of sex and impact erectile strength.
So what can you do to help yourself? Finding out the main cause is the first step. I have a list of questions that quickly weed through all of the unrelated stuff and get down to the root of what’s making you wilt. Sometimes it’s figuring out what’s making you stressed and doing a little mindfulness work to help brainstorm solutions.
I will troubleshoot solutions and give you a few things to try at home. I’ll then fine-tune a plan from the least to the most intrusive options. This is everything from supplements to touch exercises, self-talk, penile pumps, erection rings, shunts, and implants. Don’t be scared! When you have all the information you can make an informed decision about what’s best for you. I can work with your doctor and/or urologist to make sure you are getting fast, discreet, and VERY EFFECTIVE solutions for erectile dysfunction.
Don’t wait. Press the button below or send me an email for an appointment. I promise it won’t hurt.
Sue
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How does counseling work? What’s the difference between sex and relationship therapy?

What kind of counseling is best for me?

We live in a modern, open, and apparently liberated era of free expression. We need to wonder then, why sex remains on the list of taboo topics when it comes to honest, public discussion. Unfortunately, the carnal barriers put up by past generations continue to have a major impact on how we view sex, as well as its essential importance to individual health. Many of us continue to be uptight, inhibited and frustrated when it comes to our sexual lives. In my opinion, good counseling means focused, solution based, and performed with a treatment plan that has an end goal in sight. Yes, you can vent about what’s going on in your life, but it’s my job to help you get to the end goal.

Your seemingly unyielding limitations are precisely what I strive to knock down. Through individual or couples in-person, phone, or Skype sessions, we will trouble shoot, and problem solve to get to the root of your specific sex-related issue.

Sensitive topics can be broached easily, and with confidence that there will be no judging on personal preferences. These “forbidden” subjects include, but are not limited to:

– Premature Ejaculation
– Erectile Dysfunction
– Low Libido and Sex Drive
– Differing Sexual Appetites
– Absence of Sex Within a Marriage/Relationship
– Sexual Preferences and Practices
– Issues Regarding Sexual Orientation
– Sexual Fetish
– Infidelity
– Keeping it Hot/Lifestyle/Swinging
– Being better in bed

I’m located in a private setting with ample parking in the west end near the Ottawa River. You sit on the couch, we have a cup of tea and discuss what’s going on with you. My job is to make you feel welcome and relaxed. And then it’s up to us to come up with therapeutic goals and have a plan for solving the problem. This kind of therapy is not about lying on the couch and talking about where your mom went wrong.

I take confidentiality very seriously. The focus is the common goal of finding solutions that will allow you to live an emotionally and physically comfortable and satisfying life, both between the sheets and in the streets. Although there is no set prescription for how long therapy takes to complete (remember there is no one size fits all), the average number of appointments are between six and eight visits.

I use a Clinical talk therapy approach, along with a knowledge of reproductive medicine and bio-identical hormones. Other effective tools of treatment included Neuro-linguistic programming or NLP (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuro-linguistic_programming) and sexual hypnosis.

 

Ways to stay closer and more intimate this holiday besides sex under the Xmas tree.

Keep Your Intimacy Alive This Holiday Season
Holiday season is an amazing time for couples. This is a time where people want to be close. But this feel-good environment can often be overwhelmed by the stress of planning and cramming for family members dinners, buying, tons of gifts to wrap and insane routines to follow. Amid this commotion, it’s always healthy to create some passionate things you can do with your romantic partner. It’s also frantic and at least in our house I spend too much trying to stay off the Christmas fudge.
There are many methods to celebrate romance in the holiday season, and most of us like romance even though it is difficult to assume amidst the countless problems and challenges of life. Christmas is a lot more than just decorations and gifts, and no question, it about unleashing that forgotten internal child. So think play. Tobogganing, snowball fights, outdoor hot tubbing, and around here anyway, discovering how to get it on in an ice fishing hut. Really. Yes it’s about celebration, but it’s also about finding time to be naked and horizontal. Consequently above all else, it’s the mindset of special event that counts. It is important is to move from the routine and place our romantic thoughts in the festivity setting. So feel the love.
Once you set your mind for festivity let your imagination work free and think about what you can do with your lover to achieve that special moment. There are numerous activities that lovers can do based on their choices and why don’t we review some ideas:
Be considered a child again. Can you and your cherished one try some ice skating? And have sexnic (picnic and then sex) in bed or under the twinkling lights? Do you want to have a particular night in a resort even though it is likely in a city? What about an enchanting dinner in the home or in an accommodation with wine and chocolates? I sell guys regularly on the magic of chocolate dipped strawberries. It isn’t as expensive as it seems and undoubtedly is really special. Many resorts offer deals for couples this time of year and many of them are bargains. When all else fails look on Groupon and spend any Christmas money connecting with your sweetie.
Even more cute ideas are things such as romantic paper chains on your own Xmas tree. In a vibrant strip of paper, jot down the qualities you like about each other. Then glue each strip until it’ll create a long chain and also have it wrap around your tree.
Cuddle together and watch holiday special movies. I know they are schwarmy but I love acting out the Grinch with my partner. We always end up laughing with the Whos. Walk around the Christmas park together holding hands, so you can benefit from the view and one another. Finally, what is probably my favorite, hang lots of mistletoes all over your house! Make sure to kiss every time the two of you are under a mistletoe.
The festivities give ample amounts of creativity when it comes to keeping the intimacy alive during holiday seasons. Use the festivities to your advantage.

Painful Intercourse (When Sex Hurts)


Sexual pain is nothing to dismiss. Sufferers often think they need to “suck it up”, or take one for the team. But the pain is real and often substantial. The term for chronic, painful intercourse is dyspareunia. Painful intercourse tends to be a woman’s issue and can have a serious impact on whether or not she wants to be intimate. I see men for sexual pain when the foreskin doesn’t retract when peyronies occur (a painful bend in the penis), or if they have yeast, inflammation, or untreated prostitis. It’s frustrating, upsetting, and painful. Why would you want to have sex with someone if it hurts you? And sex can really hurt. As a sex therapist, I treat a variety of sexual problems, but a client who is experiencing pain during sex needs to have this addressed before anything else can happen. I describe it as an aversion. If every time you go to do something it hurts, it doesn’t take long before you don’t want to do it anymore. That’s human nature. I once threw up on banana pudding. Now the thought of it makes me slightly nauseous. That’s an example of an aversion. With pain, you learn to be afraid of sex. I work with a number of pelvic physiotherapists and physicians to find out the cause and come up with a process to put back the pleasure.

  1. Common causes of painful intercourse include Vaginal irritation (things like reactions to condoms, excessive vaginal douching, and even soaps).
  2. Dryness. I think all women need lubrication depending on the time of month and the time of their lives. Menopause, nursing, and feeling nervous can all cause a decrease in arousal. I love the silicone Swiss Navy lubricant (read my blog about vaginas) for day-to-day use.
  3. Vaginal tightness. I have seen women who had sex for the first time and have issues with an incomplete or extra-tight hymen. Vaginismus is the catch-all phrase for women who have deep vaginal pain. It is often caused by a painful spasm of the vaginal muscle. Training to do what I call “anti-keegals” helps, as does learning to identify which muscles are contracting. Pelvic physiotherapists are a great resource for vaginismus.
  4. Clitoral sensitivity can be a common cause of pain. Lubricant helps, but so does extra bathing and gentle retraction of the clitoral hood. Women are often surprised at how easily vaginal secretions can build up below the clitoral hood.
  5. Pelvic pain can be caused by deep thrusting penetration. Hip dysplasia stretched ligaments that support the uterus, scar tissue from surgeries and childbirth, vaginal or cervical infections including pelvic inflammatory disease, endometriosis, ovarian cysts, and uterine fibroids can also be the culprits of serious discomfort.
  6. Finally, vulvodynia is a painful and often hard-to-diagnose chronic condition that causes a burning and/or stinging sensation of the vulva and vagina. It is sometimes the phrase doctors use if they aren’t sure why you actually feel pain.
  7. Pain should not be a part of your sex life and you should NOT put up with it. My approach to dealing with pain is to work with you, provide a ton of information, and finally figure out what’s going on with your squishy parts. I work with doctors, gynecologists, physiotherapists, and other partners to find the right fix to get you back to intimacy.

Pain, like many sexual problems rarely goes away on its own. Call or email me NOW. We can fix it together. It may be covered under your health plan and your sex life can recover. I partner with many pelvic physiotherapists, physicians, and other specialists. We can fix this. Let’s book a one-hour session for $125 plus HST or $140 or a 30-minute session for $75. Schedule it now. I’m looking forward to helping. Sue.

Why men that vote Liberal or Democrat get loads more sex. It may be the best reason ever to change your political leanings

You may have read the study. It was big new earlier this year when a book came out (Triumphs of Experience) that followed the lives of 268 Harvard undergrads for 75 years throughout their lifetime to discover what made men tick. There has never been a study that has gone on longer in the history of studies. The survey asked the question of these bright, educated men (beginning in 1938) to find out what where the barriers and accelerators to happiness were.
There are lots of things that surface in a study this long and this broad. One of the key findings touched on the devastating affect of alcoholism. Another big insight outlined the truth that “the hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world.” Meaning that men who had a strong, supportive relationship with their mothers had the best leg up in life. There was also a significant correlation between the warmth of your relationships and your health and happiness in your later years. Meaning that happily married men made more money and were overall happier. They were also more likely to end up at the top of their respected careers. Yet another reason to marry well.
But what’s interesting for this blog is that the men who had liberal or left leaning views about sex had sex more often, thought the sex they had was better, and stayed sexually active in their 80’s. Conservative men tended to stop having sex in their 60’s. The authors of the study said that they consulted urologists, but that they didn’t have an explanation.
I think that maybe they should have spoke to some sex therapists about their thoughts.
In my experience, men who are more open minded to social values tend to be willing to explore what I describe as “the color outside of the lines sex”. This doesn’t mean that Liberals/Democrats are swingers, but it does mean that they have a more egalitarian, let’s-try-this-at-home view of sexual activity. Maybe its the fact that politically left-leaning men are less likely to have the Christian views of sexuality. No matter what the reason, following a Liberal/Democratic political view means that you have sex longer. Just something to consider when it comes to election time.

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So you are still single? New ideas on meeting the right person. How to win at in-person and online dating.

I was recently asked about the best way to meet, fall in love or at least in lust and connect in a real way. Help Sue, where do you meet someone to love?
It’s fall, time of pumpkin pie, crisp apples and sheering myself hoarse at football games. But if you are doing it by yourself, those things are not nearly so much fun.
So where exactly do you meet someone who gets it? How do you find someone who thinks your collection of Star Wars figurines are cool, or who knows how to make a incredible creme brule? Where is YOUR person to be found?
I think online dating is still a great way to connect but there are plenty of pitfalls. I know tons of people who are now happily married after meeting online. Even the basic free sites like plenty of fish (the site that I call “the Kmart of dating sites”) can work to find a kindred spirit. I also know two women who had long conversations with men who turned out to be Nigerian scammers looking for laptops and money. The good, the great the bad, and the scary are all online. Dating via the internet allows you to correspond safely, google someone in advance to be sure of their authenticity, and at least know that they can spell. Things you can’t find out when you meet at a bar. But safety and prudence are important.
I think if you are strategic, prepared to do the work you can meet someone special online. The work I mean is time consuming emails, and regularly changing your profile, spreadsheets to keep track of who you are talking to and meeting different people for lots of coffees and “so what do you do” conversations. You need to kiss a number of frogs before you meet someone who rocks your world.
There are a couple of new interesting sites like marriageminded.com, zoosk or our time.
I liked the founder of marriageminded’s thoughts on being the kind of person you would want to date:
“If you have succumbed to watching Netflix from the couch while eating fast food and you want a partner who is physically fit you had better run not walk to the gym.” Be interesting. Do not put your life on hold or defer happiness until you meet The One? Take that trip overseas, become a homeowner, get a new hobby or entertain more. It will eliminate the smell of desperation and make you a much more interesting and confident person.”
There are lots of articles and blogs about finding love online. I’ve written a couple of them so have a read at
But where else can you meet these days? Stella Ellis, the plus-size sex maven who is the muse of the design world says she meets men sitting in outdoor cafes. She always has something interesting on her table and then makes friends with everyone around her. If you aren’t so naturally outgoing come up with your own schtick for meeting prospects. I advised one client, a sales rep who worked lots of trade show to keep her bag stocked with Hershey’s kisses when working the floor at trade shows. She then asked attractive men “if they wanted a kiss”. She said she gives out chocolate and gets phone numbers. Or a friend of mine who helps his grandmother sell her knitted scarves at craft fairs in November. He spends time with his favorite Nanna and she acts likes the world’s best wingman talking him up to any woman in earshot.
Try places where the opposite sex congregate. I have struck up more conversations with hunky guys in tool belts at Home Depot then I can count. I also like beer tasting, playoff parties, and political events for meeting men. If you want to meet women, try wine pairings, lectures, and anything with chocolate. I’m convinced that all women are sugarholics. And international chocolate day is next week. Find an event in your city. And simple be passionate. Go to places where people are passionate about things they believe in. Animal rescue groups, save the river, or support your local city counselor. Just get out there and put your best foot forward. Your person is out there waiting for you.

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So you are thinking about swinging? A Sex Therapist outlines the rules of Lifestyle play so that you don't blow up your relationship.

It’s called swinging or what is referred to by those in the know as the “Lifestyle”. And it’s becoming one of the more common issues I see my office these days as a sex therapist. If trying to keep things hot is an ever-popular workshop seminar, then “How to have crazy, wild monkey sex (that may include your next door neighbors) without screwing up your relationship” is now topic de jour.
So how do you start? What happens? How do you dip a toe in? Agh! The worry is that that something you want to try to enhance your relationship will mess up what you already have.
I could literally write a book (and many have) on this but I think talking through venturing into this abyss is worth doing with your partner a few hundred thousand times. Swinging like most has some good things, some amazing things, some bad and some crazy things about it. I’ve seen it really enhance relationships. I’ve also seen it blow relationships up. Either way, you can’t put the genie back in the bottle once you start.
I’ve written a blog on writing a sex contract and outlining expectations before venturing anywhere near outside sexual activity. If you are hoping for a threesome with a old friend or plan on naked hot tubbing with another couple then reading and talking (with or without directed help like a sex therapist) is mandatory. I certainly always say that writing your rules, safe words, expectations and plans for troubleshooting down in a contract format. Give it a read at /
Once you are both explicitly clear on the rules of engagement, then what do you do? I’m not going to cover jealousies, safe sex or a bevy of those issues in this blog. Keep coming back there is more to come. But know that there are other things you’ll need to think about. swing3
As a starting point, You need to advertise for the right person or people with whom to play with.
For couples looking for partners it’s a bit of a mine field. It can be anything from are you available tonight, to might these people become real friends. So the steps for most couples when advertising for play partners are:
1. Talk about what you want and boundaries between the two of you ad nauseum.
2. Write the ad together and place it on one of the adult dating sites.
3. Communicate extensively about pictures and confidentiality between the two of you.
4. Volley back and forth online with the expectation that you will meet for a drink within two weeks of starting the communication. If the correspondent isn’t willing to meet you then something’s up. It’s a man who hasn’t spoken to his wife, the person is a single man pretending to be someone else, or they are a picture collector. Move on immediately.
5. Some correspondents want to skype, face time, or speak on the phone to verify that you are indeed who you say you are.
6. Meet for the drink, coffee or casual rendezvous at the club to see if there is any mutual attraction.
Important things to look for are:
a) Are they respectful to each other? It’s a HUGE flag if they put their partner down in any way.
b) Have they lied to you in any major way?. Ie age, experience or relationship status.
c) Are they authentic? Can they make eye contact, tell stories and are consistent?
d) Have they cancelled more than once with a good explanation?
Single women
Many couples are hoping to find a single woman to join them. Single women that want to play with both men and women are the elusive “unicorn” of the lifestyle world. These women are very hard to find. Single women in the lifestyle are often recently out of relationships and are only free until they find a new permanent relationship. So they are transient. They want friendship and to be treated elegantly. And they are known however to flake out. Meaning you book something with them and they cancel at the last minute. Flakey also means that single women are often only interested in playing once a month when they are ovulating and horny. So don’t be surprised if you don’t hear from them the other three weeks a month. Single women respond best to elegant, fully dressed body pictures (heads can be cropped for discretion) and NOT to erection pictures. Single women are usually not impressed by pictures and descriptions of genitalia. Women want to know who you are, not how many inches you are. So if you want to appeal to women, either single or in a couple tell them who you are, not what your sexual prowess is.
I know it seems contraindicated when advertising for a casual hook up partner, but most people (read men who do the advertising) keep pushing the body parts. However for 90% of women it’s about fun, attention, elegance flirting, looking and feeling beautiful and feeling safe. Then you’ll get the tiger in the bedroom. Yes it will take longer. But you will get more than a one and done if you take the high road. I believe in the adage that: “Men hate feeling used, and women hate feeling cheap”. So don’t imply that you are using them as a way augment your sex life, without paying attention to them and finding out what they want. If you are using them as a toy without treating them with respect, your adventures with that women (single, coupled, or play friend) will be very short lived.
Given that it is women who determine whether or not play happens it behooves you to pay attention to what women will respond to. Women will respond to funny. They will respond to words of safety (ie. Little old ladies and puppies like us). Words like discretion, smells nice, upscale, professional, comedy, and fun work. And given that most women are addicted to sugar, enticing them with wine, chocolate, ice cream etc. will always get a double glance. Try it if you don’t believe me.
Other couples
Go back and read the single woman paragraph. Absolutely make note of the fact that in the lifestyle it’s the women who move the chains or veto play partners. It doesn’t mean that you both can’t thumbs down a situation, it means that for the most part it’s the men who are driving this and women who red or green light play on any particular day. For women to feel sexy they need to feel safe, clean and supported. Many of the women in the lifestyle want the crazy sex (I’ve met prim and proper accountants by day that want to do a three man gangbang when they play), but they ALL want to be treated like ladies over coffee. From a gender point of view men are hunters. They want to meet, secure the deal, score and part friends until the next time. Women want to feel beautiful, imagine they have new friends, be admired, plan what they are going to wear (often for hours on end), and hope they have an orgasm. When you ask women in the lifestyle why they play it’s about the fun of the hedonistic lifestyle. Things like sexy costumes, feeling powerful by having men look at them with desire, great dinner parties where everyone flirts, those butterflies in your stomach when you get turned on. Men primarily want new partners, new positions, and the feeling of being virile and testing out their skills on someone different.
So when advertising for a couple our advice is to focus on the fun, togetherness and playfulness of the experience. We also suggest that you hint at the overall prowess without bragging. Gentle modesty or even self-deprecating humor is attractive to female partners. Find a tone that is inclusive of both partners, but leave something to the imagination. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve heard from couples that they would prefer to discover what’s under the wrapping for themselves rather than have it described and displayed upfront.
A word about pictures.
We know discretion is critical. Most lifestyle communities are very intermingled. That being said, (rightly or wrongly) the lifestyle can be a bit of a beauty contest. While there are people of a huge range of sizes, shapes, ages, and colors in this game, having a great picture is important. A selfie in the car on the way home from work doesn’t cut it. We explain that in the general dating world a common rule of thumb is that men look better than their pictures and women look worse. Meaning men simply take a picture. Women get their hair, makeup and lighting just right and then have their picture taken. In the lifestyle world, a tasteful but flirty picture is the way to go. Look good. It’s not right that you are being judged, but you are.
Single men
If you are a single man hoping to dip a toe into lifestyle play then we highly recommend the book

    Swingland

by Daniel Stern. It’s the pitfalls, specific stories and experiences of a single man’s few years playing in the lifestyle world without a partner.
If you are advertising for a single man to join you (either alone or with your partner) then you are in a buyer’s market. But finding the right guy to join you isn’t as easy as you think. The truth is that many men are looking for what you can do for them, rather than what they can do for you. (It is also a sad fact but this happens frequently in couples meeting couples too).
These are the nuts and bolts of extra-marital activity that have evolved after talking to couples for decades. It’s a snap shot on trouble shooting what’s going on sexually. But it isn’t the whole story. If you really want to start in this arena and want a guide then send me an email at suem@rogers.com. We can do a skype session.

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How to make your own inexpensive, try-this-at-home sex toy kit that will leave your partner gasping

I think everyone should have a tickle trunk of interesting sensation play sex things that’s locked up away from the kids. Now since most of the world is on a budget, and because I love toys that are versatile and do lots of things I thought I would make up a fun kit suggestion list. So when I googled any variation on “make your own sex kit” I only got hits like:
Clone your willy – how to make a cast of your penis. I also found loads of online sex toy companies trying to sell you a huge amount of stuff that hasn’t stood up to real life play. Now making a cast of your penis and your own home-made sex toy is cool (and is something I would do before any guy has prostate surgery) but it wasn’t the tone I was going for to create my kit list. I also think you don’t need to have lots of expensive toys in it. Yes, I think the Hitachi Magic Wand at $80 rocks, and I love my $200 Intensity shocker vibrator, but many of the best toys available can be found at Canadian Tire or other hardware stores. Blaik, my love, has a particular fondness for pillow cases. Put your arms behind your back, slide a pillow case over both arms and lie back. He then challenges you to get your arms out. Great restraint you can get out of by rolling over (if your partner lets you) and you already have access to one on the bed.
So before hitting the sex shop, how about trying the office supply store, hardware and grocery stores? Yes, I put things from the sex shop on the list, but I would start with some inexpensive sensation play toys.
Here’s my list:
Rope:
My sweetie found 200 feet of rope for $15 at Rona Hardware store recently. He measured it all out and cut it in chunks of 10, 15, 25, and 40 foot sections. He put electrical tape on the ends and I found him a lingerie bag to hold it all and to wash it in. Take a rope class, or watch a few youtube videos about rope bondage and with minimal practice and you’ll soon be a restraint expert. Invest in a sharp pair of scissors ($7) to add to the kit for rope malfunctions and safety.
Blindfold:
You can use a scarf, a serviceable sleeping mask or one of the cheap blindfolds you are given on long flights from the airlines. Maybe invest in a brilliant leather one…. blindfolds are the bomb. Covering your partner’s eyes so that they won’t see what’s coming up next can be a monstrous turn on. Most sex shops have them in a reasonable price range from $10 to $40.
Massage bar or soap crayon:
I like these solid massage bars that turn into a liquid when they get warm from body heat. In different flavours and scents, they look like bars of soap you gently run over your partner’s body. They leave a lotion behind that you can use to complete the massage. They are especially great before you take a bath together. And speaking of baths, the soap crayon that they sell for kids (I have seen them at Tiggy’s and other great kids stores) can be used in the bathtub to write on your partners skin and leave sexy messages while getting them clean are fabulous! Some come with bubble bath so the bath can digress into something more romantic. Great colours are available, and the darker colours will really help you leave love messages.
Washable markers:
Unlike some of the groups that uses permanent markers to write out the naughty words you see across people’s bodies on the kink sites, a set of washable markers in multiple colours to write love notes on your partner’s body may be just the thing before the aforementioned bubble bath.
Duct Tape:
Duct tape isn’t all grey anymore. Duct tape can be used to restrain legs and arms, to bind a lover to furniture, or as a gag. Of course it provides an added sadomasochistic thrill when it is pulled free (with attached body hair!). Oh, and let’s not forget the Duct Tape Corset again which you can see on youtube. About $5-$8 depending on size of roll.
Feather duster:
I have a couple of simple feather toys that I really, really like. Coupled with a blindfold, this is the ultimate in inexpensive sensation play toys. You can use a simple feather bought for under a dollar from the craft store or an immaculate ostrich feather. Imagine your partner lying across the bed in candlelight with bedroom eyes. Now imagine running a feather across their skin. “Nuff said.
Ruler or Wooden Spoon:
Now I have a good collection of wooden spoons in my kitchen. And anyone in our family knew that was the one thing my Mom used to threaten us with (even now as adults) when we were being rotten. I also have a few favourites that are strictly used with my toy kit. Smile. As well, rulers from Staples are interesting if you are a little kinky. With imagination, they have selection of paddles to put most sex shops to shame. A ruler like a wooden spoon is a classic impact toy, with all kinds of wild associations. You and your play partner will probably adore this even before you add in teacher/student role-play or Catholic schoolgirl outfits.
Tenga Egg:
You either love these or they leave you completely indifferent. Tenga’s are little silicone hand job sleeves that come packaged up as cute eggs. The interiors feature bumps and grooves designed with pleasure in mind. With a little lube you run them up and down the penis and watch his eyes roll back in his head. They can be washed, or thrown out afterwards. I find that one lasts about 10 times if you are careful. And each variety (indicated by name and colour) offers different terrain inside. I also suggest them for guys with premature ejaculation issues. They are about $10 and are available at most sex stores.
Bullet:
This $15 toy is the ultimate in versatility. It requires a few small batteries but it really moves. You can use it around nipples, the clit, the head of the penis, the back of the testicles, and anywhere except anally. They are small and may get lost in there.
Other items that you can find around the house that are great and inexpensive to add some heat to your regular coupling are:
Chocolate sauce (I like maple syrup), clothes pins, latex gloves, almond oil, baby or olive oil, pet store leashes and collars, and shower curtains or drop clothes (for protecting the bed).
The goal here is to try things that are out-of-the-norm and work at keeping the sex spicy. Making efforts to keep the sex new and interesting pays huge dividends in all aspects of your relationship.

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Why you should think about writing a contract for your sex life.

I’m a big believer in contracts. I think good paper makes good friends. I so firmly believe in this practice that I structure lots of interpersonal understandings and negotiate on paper. Renovating with my sweetie was a good example of this. Wen we agree to renovate a room in the house I think Martha Stewart wannabe, new furniture etc. He has a vision of a can of Canadian Tire paint and we are finished. So we contract it to manage both our expectations. I help write contacts for couples who want to try something usual in the bedroom. BDSM or tying your partner to the bedpost is a good example of this kind of agreement. That’s what I thought the brilliance was in 50 Shades of Grey. It sure wasn’t the writing. E.L. James the author put in a kinky contract reserved for edgy play agreements into a mainstream erotic novel that went out to women all over. I wish I had thought of it.
Contracts makes things clear between two parties.
I used to teach pre-marraige courses for the Anglican Church and I spoke often about the need for a written agreement to head off fights that happen between new couples. It was usually around the three most controversial issues for people just starting the live together. They are money, sex and housework. It was always surprising to me that modern guys had this belief that their wives would work all week and do most of the housework. Or that women felt that sex once a month for most healthy, adult men was adequate. Think of the dish schedule your mom used to put up in the kitchen. I really do believe that if you can write up something clearly about where you want this aspect of your life to go, it will encourage understanding.
It’s not just for interpersonal relationships that contracts are becoming in vogue. It’s all the rage now for workplaces to look at something called a love contract. It may seem a bit Big Brotherish, but it’s an issue. There are more and more relationships have been originating in the workplace. Sometimes when the relationship goes sour, the parties can cause some problems (harassment claims etc…) within the workplace. In an effort to prevent such problems without completely banning office relationships, employers are instituting Love Contracts. A workplace Love Contract often covers things like refraining from public displays of affection, one person will be moved to another department, and a notification to the supervisor when the relationship has ended etc…
But if you are having a difficulty being on the same page with your partner- especially when it comes to sexual adventures, you might want to consider a sex agreement. I’ve put a sample on below but they can really just offer clarity around an emotional topic. If you are having trouble, drop me a line and it’s usually a quick one-off counseling session to set things right. It may really help your relationship or give you a quick roadmap to the kind of hot sex you’ve been fantasizing about.
Lifestyle Contract
The goal is to have new sexual adventures that will enhance your relationship.
Any play will be mutually beneficial and will work on pleasing both partners. A close, connected relationship is the anticipated outcome.
We agree that play happens with both of us together so that it doesn’t make us twitchy.
The lifestyle/kinky sex is to be fun for both. However the primary relationship comes first. When there is discord, play becomes disconnecting. So daily 30 second hugs, and lots of communication is paramount.
Increased cuddling, and reassurance needs to happen after any play. A regular effort to increase cuddling, kissing and connection should happen all the time but especially after play.
Both partners have veto power. And all thoughts and opinions WILL be respected on the outcome.
Fights over kinky sex puts play on hold for a duration of 2 weeks.
There will be a sensuous date night for every lifestyle and or play activity that happens.
No sex is better than bad sex because it pushes interest in lifestyle play away.
The premise is that play enhances our relationship. The emphasis is on fun, friendship, laughter, connection, heat, intimacy, and community. Pressure and a lack of communication impacts this philosophy.
Safe words need to be established. Especially a word that requires an immediate check in for the both of you.
The lifestyle (like anything new sexually) is a moving target. Conditions may be added and removed as we progress down this road. Integrity, communication and togetherness are the underlying premises. We have discussed this at length and agree to these terms.
Signed _________________________________________ Date _______________________
Signed __________________________________________ Date _______________________