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women nymphomaniacs

She’s gotta have it.  The name of my favorourite Spike Lee movie, and the thoughts for today’s musings.

I see alot of sex addicts, but they are almost all men. Addicts, (who used to be called nymphomaniacs) are what one sex therapist described as the crack cocaine of the 21st century), are coming to see me in droves. Most of these guys are addicted to internet porn, escorts, video porn, and those massage parlours.  Spending too much money, and are using sex as a way to manage stress.  Guys that just like sex alot are seldome called addicts. if they just want sex, they are thought of as ‘players’ (if all guys want sex, and think about it every 6 minutes, where does the addiction start?  I would say when it satrts to interfere with everyday life, but I digress again.

Lately I’ve been seeing a women addicts.  These are nice women who are adrenaline and sex junkies.  picking up strange men on business trips, working as a teacher during the day, and escort at night, unbenounced to their boyfriends, husbands and co-workers.  I have heard of one woman who offers to work as a stripper for the night whenever she is out of town at the local establishment.  She says she uses the money to pay for sexy clothes, but it’s about the rush and she would do it for free. 

I’m wondering why the sexuality of my patients, and now the gender of my patients have changed so much?  I can treat these women, but most don’t want to eliminate the behaviour, just manage it.  I call it ‘boxing’ (or compartmentalizing if you’ld prefer…)  I’m doing some reading and will (with permission and anonymity) write more about the new kind of nymphomaniacs.

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Where did I put that turkey baster?

Apparently some uber-right wing republicans in the US are trying to pass through legislation to ban gays, lesbians and single women from getting artificial insemination.  The thinking is that unless you are married, and heterosexual, you aren’t allowed to use the sperm banks. You can be drunk, homeless and have a love of sheep to make a sperm donation, but withdrawls are going to be closely monitored by the religious right.

So in the spirit of Martha stewart, try this at home folks, I’m going to offer advice on how to do this by yourself and save the money. 

Here’s how to have a let’s get pregnant party:

About the time you should be ovulating (15 days before the start of your next period is optimum).  Invite a bunch of your freinds over, and make sure to have a supply of cool erotica and a few dirty pictures, a bunch of clean glasses, beer, and a average turkey baster.  With Easter close at hand they may even be on sale.  Have as many male friends that you are sure are clean of sexually transmitted diseases take turns in the bathroom (with or without the porn) producing samples.  Shake it all together so you aren’t sure who’s your daddy (thus preventing any hassles with legalities), and using the turkey baster insert the semen mixture into your vagina and squirt.  Stay lying down for a half hour, and wait until your breasts start getting sore and you miss your next period.Turkey_baster

That’s it. You don’t have to worry about some senator even being concerned about imposing their laws on your body.  I mean this a little tongue in cheek, but it actually works, and can get you pregnant in no time.  Good luck and please send me the birth announcement.

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okay, my sex drive may be hibernating

So what do you do if you really would rather wash your hair than have sex?  I did my show tonight on low sex drive, and why low libido affects 1 in 3 women and 1 in 7 men.   I see so many women in my office struggling  to find their missing desire. There are so many other things to do in a day rather  than getting naked.  If your desire to have sex is missing it may feel like work. Sex triggers oxytocin, brings you closer together, improves your health,  brings out all those protective instincts in and male partner and will help keep your pelvic floor toned.
It’s a huge issue, and I can help.  Have a listen to the MP3 from my show summarizing how you can get better.  Hell, even if you were having sex with the big wrench below, there is no way you are going to be hot and horny, all day every day.
My quick suggestions if you don’t want to listen to the whole questions is:
1. Schedule sex.  Put it on the top of your list of things to do, and visualize all day how you would like it to go.
2. Make yourself a “I’m sexy, and I love sex” self talk tape, MP3, or goal sheet. I can help with a downloadable one.  The most impactful thing you can do to change the tape in your head happens if you use your own voice to speak to your subconscious. There is more about this in my blog on sexual hypnosis.
3. Have sex someplace exciting. Go parking, outdoors, someplace where you have a chance of getting caught, and crank up the dopamine. Scary movies or anything that gets your adrenaline up will help as well.
4. Omega 3’s and CLA. Buy them from the health food store and take them religiously.
5. Chocolate helps, and a positive mental attitude, that if you start it, your body will quickly warm up to it.
6. If you think it may be hormones let’s talk about scheduling an in person or remote appointment. I can give you some quick answers unique to you in one or two inexpensive sessions.  In the meantime be gentle with yourself.

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Here's a new pill to make Mr. Happy stand at attention

Vitamins The truth as I know it about supplements. There as, yet are no pills to make you bigger. period. Don’t believe it, it is a scam.  I’ve interviewed 2 experts – Mike Bode -Mr. Universe guy, (www.thefitshoppe.com) and Ray Sahelian MD.www.physicianformulas.com (his site tries to sell you stuff, just to warn you…)  There is still no magic pill to help premature ejaculation.  Have a listen to my interview with Mike Bode.
There is however, interesting stuff to enlarge your breasts (the pills causes your breasts to retain fluid), and a bunch of herbal viagra (Valura, and Vigor are the two best known ones), and a few others to cause you to bump up that failing libido.  The news from the Natural Health Expo that happened last week in Anaheim, California was that low carb is out, and cocao and chocolate and NONI juices are in.  Yeah for chocolLove ate lovers.  Now if you could combine chocolate with great sex herbs…hmmmm.
The new siladafil suspension that you can buy over the counter in Mexico, Asia ext is called Kamagra. My clients are having HUGE success with it. If you are struggling and want to talk about it we can do an quick, inexpensive consultation for $75 that will get things moving. Reach out. I want to help.

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How infidelity is changing

Couples They did a poll and asked how many men would cheat if they could get away with it.  It turns out that close to 90% of guys, would have inconsequential sex, if  they couldn’t ever get caught.  (I’ll look for the survey source).  Infidelity and having a mistress also used to have more social acceptance – you know, Man’s God give right to fool around…
Well not anymore.  Social mores suggest that you are not entitled to have an affair, and I beleive as a sex therapist that if you choose to cheat, you better be prepared to live silently with the guilt.  This is one of the shifts in sexual attitudes happening in our lifetime. Most partners would rather you didn’t, (go figure), and if you do, would rather not know.  “Getting it off your chest” seems like a very selfish thing to do, in terms of spousal mental health.  Feet
Which brings me to my patient today, and my thoughts that monogamous relationships may just not work for some people.  I’ve met clients, that are incapable of being monogamous, it’s just the way they are made.  These people end up feeling horrible guilt and are made to feel abnormal because they don’t fit the mold of the nuclear family.  You are free to take exception to this, but this is my objective conclusion after years of tying to figure out why people have affairs.  For some people ethical non-monogamy might be a better option than infidelity. I teach a course with my husband called The Suburban Hedonist which offer an 8 hour online session that helps you dip a toe in the area of non-monogamy. It works to help by-pass the landmines. It’s also part of our Duckling Dating set up. It’s the way to find potential partners with grace and integrity. Why don’t we start the conversation.
Feeling the Love…
Sue

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The sex Olympics

So the Olympics just wound up. I think it’s an opportunity to speculate about the possibilities of a sexual Olympics. I’ve got a friend who thinks we should always make our partners feel like they’ve gotten a gold medal. You know, sing O Canada, stand them up on the pedestal, and shower them with accolades. I don’t know if I would agree with that, for women especially, that may involve faking their sincere reactions to pleasure. Hey, I’m all about giving warm fuzzies to your lover, but faking, in my opinion only slams the door on your own pleasure. How’s a partner to know what you like, or even do the necessary work, if you are busy misdirecting or acting out the moans? For men, like with the Canadian hockey team, the gold medal may just involve too much pressure and hype, which can result in difficulties in the clutch. I happen think that as a rule, Canadians are great in bed. We would be showered with medals in this department. Understated, sensitive, used to snuggling together to ward off the cold, and according to the Durex Sex Survey, more concerned about their partners pleasure than their own.

There’s a lot of similarities between sex and the Olympics. It involves sweating, endurance, and those convoluted, scrunched up facial expressions you get when getting to the finish. There are too are all those sports related sex metaphors like throwing rocks, slapshots, scoring between the periods. And don’t even get me started on the sexy snowboarding lingo.

You look at all these really good looking athletes at the Olympics– and they are really good looking given a lifetime of healthy living and exercise, and wonder just how many of them are actually getting some. Maybe they are all saving themselves? Canadian swim coach Dave Johnson included an abstinence pledge in the official code of conduct for the Canadian women’s and men’s swim teams during the 1996 Summer Games in

. Asked about it recently, he said it was largely an attempt to minimize emotional stress for the swimmers. "Sex creates an extra set of distractions for young athletes," he said. In professional football, many teams require players to check into hotels, away from wives or partners, even before home games. The Steelers coaches conduct room checks. Maybe that’s why they won this year’s Superbowl. So maybe you could be in medal contention even if you are flying solo these days….

I think we should be lobbying to make great sex an Olympic event. Maybe the least amount of thrusting before silmultaneous orgasms, or the longest distance ejaculated. It’s something everyone has a good chance of trying out for, and I guarantee it would do wonders for the ratings on CBC and NBC. Just a thought,

I’m Sue McGarvie, and that’s Sue’s spin on sex.

Atlanta

The Rant of a Sex Therapist

Forget The March of the Penguins, sex therapists ( at least me and the ones I know), aren’t  serene, or that accepting of the status quo.  We tend to question everything, so I thought a rant section might be in order.

I tried hard to post yesterday but had to clear the 21 spywear virus stuff off my system (%$^!!@$%) What a hassle!  Today I feel like advocating the death penalty for computer virus inventors.  I just want to be a good person, check my e-mail (don’t even get me started on the hundreds of spam I get daily), write my cool new blog,  and can’t because I have to deal with crashing computers.

I wanted to talk about the guest I had Saturday night on the Love and Romance Show, my crazy full-moon Saturday night sex talk show on cfrb (www.cfrb.com). I spoke with Deborah Anapol, the author of the seven laws of love (sevenlawsoflove.com), and Love without Limits.  She talked about how we may be evolving away from monogamy and headed towards more polyamourous (loving more than one person) love affairs.  This is swinging beyond the free love stuff you  heard about in the 60’s.  Having been a few  times to the swing clubs both in Ottawa and Toronto (a topic for another blog), I’m hear to say, they are becoming more and more mainstream.  This is like that chick at the Oscar’s thanking both her husband and wife – just like the infamous Nina Hartley. I’ve spoken to two people, not patients, but when everyone tells you about their sex lives you hear a few interesting things….who are in these kinds of mutliple partner relationships.  Most I spoke to met on www.ashleymadison.com, (interesting site, with a nice group of guys running it), the website for the already attached who are looking for love.  In one case, the woman and her husband meet their individual  lovers on  Tueday night, and then come home and tell each other how their evenings go. Everything is all open and they all know about each other. The quote I heard about why they wanted this, was "that she had more love to give than to just one person.

I have to admit I’m fascinated by it. Regular sex and intimacy, without the sneaking around of infidelity, all the while maintaining your marriage. Maybe they are onto something????  I would welcome your comments, but haven’t yet figured out how to add those to my blog.  You can always e-mail me at sue@sexwithsue.com, and I’ll post them.  I’m going to post the audio interview with Doborah as a podcast as soon as I figure out how to attach it.   Blondes working technology, it just takes me longer….

Feeling the Love.  Sue