You can be in a crowded restaurant outlining your average day as a sex therapist when you casually mention the word orgasm, or erection in the context of a clinical discussion, all of a sudden, conversation around you stops and everybody strains to hear more of your sexual talk. It’s human nature, everyone wants to know if their neighbor, co-worker, or friends are doing it better, hotter, or getting more than they are.
As a therapist I am constantly asked to gauge whether someone’s sexual behaviour falls in the realm of what society dictates is normal. Most people fall into statistical averages with what’s going on between the sheets, in the car, or on the Mexican tile covering the kitchen floor. The average Canadian has sex twice a week, except for Newfoundlanders who copulate more frequently and engage in a lot of what’s known as “whitebread” or straight missionary position sex.
Even if people appear to be engaging in some of the weirder aspects of sex that everybody wants to know about who am I to judge anyway? Besides you can’t judge a book by its cover, often it’s not the people wearing the chains and black leather that are participating in the more extreme and alternative lifestyles, it’s the girl next door and the distinguished gentleman in the three piece suit.
In Anne Rice’s book Exit to Eden there is a quote which graces the back of my agenda. ”…It’s that nobody has ever been able to convince me that anything sexual between consenting individuals is wrong. I mean it’s like part of my brain is missing. Nothing disgusts me. It all seems innocent, to do with profound sensations, and when people tell me they are offended by things, I just don’t know what they mean.”
I asked her in an interview on a book signing tour at the Chateau Laurier if she had ever been “slammed” for her erotic writing or her open attitudes in expressing such sentiments. She said “she hadn’t been spared criticism, but personally she had been married and monogamous for decades, and that it was like part of her brain was missing when judging others, and besides, look at how interesting it all is.
Consensual sex by its definition, needs two interested and informed parties. Sex should never be boring, what’s normal depends on who you’re talking to. I think there are so many people who beat themselves up because they think a lot about sex. So many people think there is something off simply because they want to try something a little out of the mainstream. I say “if it’s safe and consensual, and you can find a willing partner, knock yourself out”. The truth is that everyone, and I mean everyone has something private about their sexuality that they think ever so slightly off. It also means that there is no “one size fits all”. Be gentle with yourself. As the singer Jewel says, “if you could tell the world one thing is that we are all okay.”
I don’t know if it’s the summer weather, re-runs of “The Jack Nicholson Bucket List movie” on late night television, or just feeling fed up with the same old thing, but I have had a plenary of new couples lately saying they were taking risks and asking for the sex they secretly wanted. It’s my semi annual “how to introduce a little creativity in your sex life without screwing up your relationship blog”. My patients are asking everything from adding a few toys toys to their bedroom play to how to invite the single woman next door over for some wine and naked hot tubbing???
It can sometimes be very hard not lose it. You are over heated frustrated and your mate (or your kids, the customer service rep etc) gets on your last nerve and pushes the button that has you going postal. In a new study out of Harvard University that says (and I paraphrase), “the person that can manage their moods and firmly articulate their position in negotiation is one of the secrets of successful people”. I am more succinct. I tell my kids “that the calmest person in the room always wins”.
The Everyone wants to know that they and their partner have an enviable intimate life. At least that you are having better sex than your friends so you can brag about it. If you’ve been in a relationship for a number of years you know that your intimate time can go from “can’t keep your hands off each other” to “hallway sex.” That’s where you pass each other in the hallway and ask “was it good for you?”
It’s hockey playoff time. I have for many years wrote about the sexiness of playoff beards. Everyone has something that makes then catch their breath and bite their tongue. For me it’s burly, sweaty men and facial hair. I like men that look like men. It turns out that there is some physiological reasons for this.
Sue McGarvie, Canada’s Sex and Relationship therapist says that having romantic adventures with your partner is one of the top five things you can do for your relationship.
Infidelity (followed by drifting apart, emotional abuse and household/money conflicts) tops the reasons why we have a 52% divorce rate in Canada. I see many of the couples in the aftermath of an affair in my office. What’s interesting for many of them the act of catching your partner cheating may actually improve their marriages. Really.
What was interesting about the new Canadian Census stats that were released this week is just how many more single people there are living alone than in years gone past. The numbers from Stats Canada shows that more Canadians are living alone – 5.6 million people aged 15 years and older did not live in census family. It illustrates just how hard it is to meet, connect and to stay in a relationship.
I tell my patients that I read body language for a living. As a shrink when you are in the listening business, bodies are often much more important sources of information than words. In a world of language, texting and almost non-stop communication why should you pay attention to body language?
I was at a recent conference promoting best practices in industrial psychology. This is where the psychology of business practices are explored. I was there as a guest of my friend, a lecturer from Purdue University. What I took from it was details about how few people make a decent apology.