I had any epiphany today. Partly in conversation with a patient, and partly in my own twisted brain, I realized what is so seductive about men with a little depth. Don’t get me wrong, I can appreciate a great set of abs as well as the next woman, but what turns me on is smart, funny, literate, articulate, and an underbelly of kinkiness. This isn’t donkeys and crisco kind of kinky, just the offbeat, gently openminded outlook in the bedroom that surprises you at the most intimate of times. The hottest duality of straight up business guy by day, and randy sex slave by night. Think Bruce Wade\Batman, Superman\Clarke Kent and you get the idea why the dichotomy of different personas is so incredibly hot. I think it’s the quiet ones you need to have a second look at. Still waters running deep, that kind of thing. Look for something unconventional about them and it’s usually a good indication that there is a depth of sexuality worth exploring. Alternatively, seduction 101 suggests play up that duality. Marilyn Monroe -sex kitten, little girl voice and act, as any example. Or maybe the bonafided Orgy Queen who teaches Sunday school?
I
have a number of girlfriends who have recently hooked up with much younger men. Hot, sexually open, and much younger. In the online dating world, the Mrs. Robinson comments abound as young men intheir early and mid 20’s actively pursue 40 year old women. I asked one of them what was the appeal was in someone who could arguably be old enough to have parented you. He said, "I don’t know a man who doesn’t fantasize about having sex with a hot, sexually experienced, older woman." I find it more than a tad offputting as I have nephews that old, but isn’t age just a number? I think given all the reading I’m doing on female led relationships (www.venusontop.com), a strong women with a younger man makes sense. It wouldn’t raise an eyebrow if the man was 20 years older than the women, then the reverse should be the same. Except that older women chasing younger men are called cougars – and there is a whole subculture that has popped up to deal with them. Have a look at cougardating.com, and you can’t tell me that there isn’t a double standard. Meow.
PS. to Mirage in Istanbul – you lucky dog, she’s one in a million.
Men are motivated by sex. Really. I have said before I think women have no idea just how horny men can be.
The new study suggests that men think about sex 28 times per day. And much of that is spent trying to figure out how to get their partners interested in some shagging. I know this because as a Sex Therapist I spend my days talking to men about sex, open relationships, paying for sex and other variations in getting it more often and varied.
Men are asking me how to increase their wives libido, how to find a mistress, advertise for the love of your life, and generally work through the hooking up relationship stuff to get laid more. A far cry from the urology of erectile dysfunction that I expected to be doing as a young Therapist, but that seems to be what men anyway are asking about. The idea of sexual newness and how to get variety without being a dick to their primary partner comes up.
What always strikes me is how lame guys are at keeping things going. Every customer service book out says that it is far easier and cheaper to retain an existing customer than get a new one. Ergo, it is far easier to get more sex from the woman you have, than continually find new ones. That doesn’t tell the whole story because men like a plenary of new women, but that’s a blog for another day. Take the first time for instance. You’ve been buying coffee, dinners, and have generally been on your best behaviour, and finally get the woman in question between the sheets. Absolutely bare minimum etiquette is an email within 36 hours of the encounter (sooner is better) telling her what a goddess she is and that you can’t wait to see her again.
So how do you get laid more often?
Understand how women think and the way we feel sexual. It is different than male sexuality. You know this but keep doing the same things that you like to do and expect a different result.
What dumb guys do is send dick pics, don’t brush their teeth or have a shower, ask crudely, use jokes, grab our boobs, poke us in the back with an erection or behave dismissively before hand.
Smart guys do the dishes without asking, offer to give us a massage or foot rub, put a lock on the bedroom door, hold our hands and tell us how beautiful we are, understand our love language (touch, time, gifts, acts of service, language), make the bed so it’s enticing to fall into it and bring home dinner.
It’s also about communicating your needs and expectations. Blaik (my husband) runs an amazing men’s group in Ottawa that tries to interpret what women want. He says if you can get women to slow down, feel safe, look into their eyes and touch their arm (especially if there is wine and chocolate involved) then most women can be enticed to get naked.
What women want more than anything is attention. Give it to us and we are yours.
I have a bit of a penchant for smart, funny, literate men. I wrote about my not-so-secret hankering for Andy Kessler The author of The End of Medicine who fills all my requirements and looks hot on his book cover picture. Hey, if he smells nice, I may run away with him.
Not to be fickle, (sorry Andy), but I’ve got a new favourite this week. As I whittle down my pile of holiday paperbacks, (the good, the great, the bad, and the really bad) I found a gem. Bait and Switch, a book, that the back cover calls "a smart, funny, sexy, scary ride". It helps that Larry Brooks is an ex pro baseball player who looks like he still fills out his leather jacket exceptionally well. Even if he doesn’t smell nice, I may be inclined to run away with him
Anyway, my new sweetie Larry wrote some very interesting things about fantasy, power and sexual domination in this book of his. His thoughts about how women are looking "to lose herself in the desire, in the embrace, in the bonds of a cruel master, with the gifts of her suffering… the darkness, she has no accountability for her own, she is a little girl again, a victim to her own beauty. It’s so twisted upin explanations, in right and wrong, in shame and guilt, when in fact she just needs one thing…the be desired… to be consumed."
And that’s just a taste. Larry has a clear understanding of how men in power respond sexually. For all the type A patients I see- the bigger they are, the more submissive they are. He talks about why women and how the whole dance connects to her past…"it’s all about some inexplicable craving, some dark forbidden pleasure, when you know it’s much more, that it’s the salving of old wounds, the feeding of demons, and it’s never going away…."
Well, I think that boy understands, ( in a Darth Vader kind of way) the dark side.
I don’t know what its like in your part of the world, but in Ottawa, we still have snow. However, it’s melting fast and spring is in the air. It’s smell I associate with maple syrup, – a combination of dog poo, and that damp earth smell. The thing about it is , that humans and apes, are the only species on the planet that doesn’t have a set time to go into heat. We can conceive for those five days every month (the day the woman ovulates, and the four days before, approx. 14 days before the start of her next period). Like all life on this planet, this follows a lunar cycle, and as the days get longer, the birds return, the flowers bloom and out, hormonal levels rise enough to start thinking about rutting.
Ah, the rut. If the average guy thinks about sex 6 times an hour, and woman want it bad, depending on the time of the month, how do we reconcile these urges. I’m reading M. Jacoks book about evolutionary biology that says, getting out in the sun during the early spring is an effective way to kickstart libido. So, get some sun on your face, and start thinking more about the birds and the bees. 
All this from your friendly neighbourhood sex therapist.
They did a poll and asked how many men would cheat if they could get away with it. It turns out that close to 90% of guys, would have inconsequential sex, if they couldn’t ever get caught. (I’ll look for the survey source). Infidelity and having a mistress also used to have more social acceptance – you know, Man’s God give right to fool around…
Well not anymore. Social mores suggest that you are not entitled to have an affair, and I beleive as a sex therapist that if you choose to cheat, you better be prepared to live silently with the guilt. This is one of the shifts in sexual attitudes happening in our lifetime. Most partners would rather you didn’t, (go figure), and if you do, would rather not know. “Getting it off your chest” seems like a very selfish thing to do, in terms of spousal mental health. 
Which brings me to my patient today, and my thoughts that monogamous relationships may just not work for some people. I’ve met clients, that are incapable of being monogamous, it’s just the way they are made. These people end up feeling horrible guilt and are made to feel abnormal because they don’t fit the mold of the nuclear family. You are free to take exception to this, but this is my objective conclusion after years of tying to figure out why people have affairs. For some people ethical non-monogamy might be a better option than infidelity. I teach a course with my husband called The Suburban Hedonist which offer an 8 hour online session that helps you dip a toe in the area of non-monogamy. It works to help by-pass the landmines. It’s also part of our Duckling Dating set up. It’s the way to find potential partners with grace and integrity. Why don’t we start the conversation.
Feeling the Love…
Sue