Most people of a certain age now remember the infamous Anne Landers survey that suggested that a majority of Landers/Dear Abbey readers would rather have a hot bath and a book than have sex with their partners. Well now there is a new study out this week that claims that 29% of couples need “me time”.
Having enough space, or privacy, in a relationship is even more important to a couple’s happiness than a good sex life, according to a recent unpublished analysis of data from an ongoing federally funded longitudinal study. And women tend to be more unhappy with the amount of space in their marriage than men.
The finding: 29% of spouses say they don’t have enough time to themselves in their relationship, and more wives than husbands complained of this lack of me-time. Twice as many unhappy spouses said “lack of time for self” was their main reason for being unhappy than those who cited an unsatisfying sex life.
So what does this mean for your own relationship? I think independence and vivaciousness are sexy. I think dependency and having nothing new to add to a relationship are not. Scheduling time together where you explore common interests and connect are critical. So is time to putter, do errands, have lunch with friends, and explore interests outside of the relationship. It gives you something to talk about at the end of the day.
My in-laws who by all account had a world class marriage since they met as teenagers claim the secret of their marriage was the “4 pm sherry” they had every day of their married lives. As a recent widow, my Mother-in-law says it is that afternoon re-connection time that she misses most. She said they brought in their different time and experiences over the day and shared them with each other. They also had the latitude to have outside interest that included boards, choir, church committees, golfing and time with their friends. She claimed it was that combination of together and apart that made her marriage magic.
So what do you do?
I’ve long believed that scheduled, consistent, sensuous date nights save marriages. I now am learning that a healthy outside interest maintains interest and sanity. Your partner fell in love with that dynamic you. Make a real effort to not let that person disappear.
I have a number of women coming to see me for dating advice in my practice.
They are smart, beautiful, professional women from good families who are independent, have friends and who have no idea how to attract a guy.
They set these unrealistic expectations about the perfect guy. He’s handsome, never married, willing to give them so much attention ad spend their waking hours planning the romance. If they are too busy, spend too much time alone or with the guys or don’t want to get serious quickly these women give them a pass.
Except that men are casual. They want a real relationship but then they also want the opportunity to bang the occasional waitress. They are focused on their careers and have an urgent drive to get established. They need time alone. They need NOT to be smothered. But they are loyal, caring and want to move forward, but the thought of commitment makes them soooo nervous.
Can you see the problem in this scenario?
So I keep convincing women to keep their dating ads short, fun, upbeat and casual. If its the right guy the relationship will grow and the commitment will “sneak up on him”. Keep it light, make him wait for sex, understand he needs to be and seem successful in your eyes (and his own).
So in a nutshell, here is the differences between the genders.
WOMEN want communication, closeness, attention, positive connection, attention, and time together, romance, thoughtful notes and presents.
MEN want sex.
Oh, and alone time, to feel independent and powerful and compare themselves positively to other guys. Oh and make their Mom’s happy. Did I mention the sex? And a woman on their arms they can be proud of.
I have counseling a few patient lately who seem to be picking the same guy over and over again – with disastrous results. They want a relationship but find themselves weak in the knees around the leather-jacket wearing bad boy. They date the tough guy but want a husband and father. Can you see the disconnect?
These are smart, pretty women with good jobs but are always surprised when the Harley-driving mechanics don’t want to settle down. It goes back to that adage that women marry men hoping to change them, and men marry women hoping they will never change.
So what’s with those bad guys anyway?
What will attract a woman to a bad boy is excitement, daringness, and the promise of adventure.
There is something about brooding, moody guys that women find alluring. Now a new study this spring out of UBC in Vancouver supports the assumption with research.
Women find happy guys significantly less sexually attractive than swaggering or brooding men, according to a new University of British Columbia study that helps to explain the enduring allure of “bad boys” and other iconic gender types. Guys who can display that mischeivious shame (at least knows right from wrong even if they don’t act on it), and smiling comes across as a very “gay or feminine trait”.
Confidence, boldness and masculine is universally what women find attractive.
Bad boys also have the packaging. They emphasize the more testosterone rich parts of themselves and promise great sex, danger and adventure.
So if you keep falling for these guys, and want a more permanent life than pay attention to some of the reasons you keep picking the sweet-but-toxic men.
1.The impulse to perpetuate what’s familiar.
Many women attracted to rogues had a father who was a little wild and rebellious. Because many girls idealize their father, they may seek a partner with similar traits. This usually isn’t a conscious decision; much of the allure happens below the level of awareness. Girls may also choose these boys on the assumption that Dad will be impressed.
2. Can’t “own” your sexuality. Many sensuous women feel that they can “only get swept away in the moment” in order to be the openly sexual. Otherwise to say “I want hot, raunchy sex” means you are a slut. Having a bad boy lead you down the garden path lets them excuse their own sexual behavior.
3. The drive to rehabilitate or “save” a wayward man.
Simply put, many women are rescuers. It’s a challenge for them to reform an incorrigible man. These women think, Sure, he gets into trouble, but I can change him! Ego is involved as well. It’s inflating when a woman feels like she is the only one who can transform a man.
4. The appetite for adventure.
Other women like the excitement, thrills, and sense of danger bad boys bring. This is especially true for those who have been “good girls” all their lives. Perhaps they grew up in a family that demanded conformity and compliance with rules. So they’re intrigued with men who scoff at rules and shrug off responsibility.
I actually want to talk a little about both kinds of Happy Endings. The phrase Happy endings used to invoke thought of fairy tales and “happily ever after”… Now as a sex therapist I think about the “jack shacks” or the new breed of masseuse when I hear it. I had an interview with Pauline from Michelle’s massage in Ottawa recently about her expertise in prostate massage. She claims to have given over 10,000 orgasms. She gives a good massage, and specializes in internal prostate tickles. Check out the 40 minute step-by-step audio at www.sexwithsue.com.
She says she has licensed RMT’s working part time for her, and has a whole group of friendly, knowldegable staff that do 20 minute massages and are booked at the half hour. They aren’t strictly speaking, legal. But if you are licensed with no drugs and use women over 18 the vice department usually looks the other way.
Now ABC has a new comedy with the same name. Happy Endings starring Elisha Cuthbert of 24 fame will debut tonight. I wonder if anyone is getting the name mixed up on Google? Here is the new comedy trailer…http://abc.go.com/shows/happy-endings Think of an updated Friends with six buds who hang together and are trying to figure it out. Sound familiar? But I don’t hink they have a Phoebe massage therapist character who offers up the goods.
Have you seen the quote today by Elizabeth Hurley? She’s been hanging out with her ex of 13 years, the delectable Hugh Grant. They are learning to speak Italian together, as well as taking guitar and cooking lessons in a friendly competitive way. They are friends, buddies with anyone the other happens to be dating, and has made it public that he is her “fall back guy”.
I really understand that. I have always stayed good friends with my ex’s. I had one in the past who was Godfather to my kids and it was a given that “he would be my soft place to land” if anything happened in my marriage.
She claims word of them “back together” is preposterous.
I think there are a few things you can do to keep it friendly and happy between you and past partners.
1. Know that one person can’t give you everything you need and maybe your ex can fill part of the role,, even as buddies.
2. men will still want to sleep with you. That’s a given, but once they have had you the urgent curiosity diminishes.
3. Men need to be needed. I have a girlfriend that calls her contractor ex-husband when she needs something fixed. She feeds him as a payback.
4. I advise couples who are heading to separation to end a relationship before it gets ugly. Don’t hang on until there are no more good feelings left. Then you have the friendship down the line.
5. Having someone who knows you and your family (and still likes you!) is an asset. You need someone who can be a friend 20 years from now.
Grown ups realize that relationships ebb and flow. Sex you can get. Friends and warmth are rare. My partner and my ex husband go to hockey games, and we all have birthdays and holidays together. Think Bruce and Demi. I like to think that we are just a modern family. And ex’s are just part of that. By understanding that we all need community and someone we can hang out with, you may find the first guy not-so-bad after all.
As Liz says,
“If neither one of us finds lasting love, we are prepared to grow old together.
We’ve often said, if all else fails, we’ll end up living together like Darby and Joan.”
www.sexwithsue.com, www.loveandlipstick.com
I asked my Mother (who's in Ministry with the United Church of Canada) what she thought made a great relationship.
Her thoughts were that were good relationships (although she couldn't suggest one I could interview for my show, nor could I come up with an example of a great marriage.)
This was her list:
-Stood the test of time
-Realized it had ups and downs and that there was no such thing as perfection.
-Comfortable with each other
-Passion and an implicit trust
-Similar values
-Similar interests
-Same core beliefs, and the comittment to spend your life with that person.
-Having both people be all they can be.
Thanks Mom. Check out her bed and breakfast at St. Lawrence B & B in Morrisburg.
The theme of Love and Lipstick is all about great relationships. We came up with a few lists of what makes one of these almost elusive "magical marraige".
Here was the list I generated:
1. Having laugh-out loud humour. Certainly the Ruetger's University study suggests a sense of humour will carry you through.
2. Push yourself beyond your comfort zone. We have a fridge magnet that I see every day that says "life begins at the end of your comfort zone".
3. Unemcumbered time. Do nothing but talk, walk on the beach, rub the other's feet, and just connect.
4. Make sure your life has sensuous, erotic and intimate moments. That doesn't always mean sex, but that does mean adult, alone, let's be slightly naughty.
5. Fell safe enough to tell your partner anything.
6. Don't judge your partner. Feel free to tell them anything – from I scratched the car to fantasies.
7. No knock-down, drag out fights. One or the other stops it before it gets ugly.
8. Date nights, and a real effort despite crazy lives to get out together and be together.
9. Don't ever, ever, threaten the relationship. No saying "if you do that I'm out of here…"
10. Finally try if you can to put your partners needs ahead of your own. If you both do it, then you both get your needs met.
Tune in this week as we explore hormones, libido and staying connected despite no longer being 20.
Cheers!
Sue
As a sex therapist I spend my days encouraging people to focus on sexual solutions, rather than problems. However it is sometimes hard to see the solutions in the middle of daily chaos. Think about it. Kids bickering, dogs barking, food to buy and prepare, the never-ending pile of laundry means you struggle to fit in the time and privacy for great sex.
That's why I schedule sex in my own life, and encourage my patients to do the same. It's easy to get turned on with a new person. Keeping things hot day after day requires work. I have a weekly night in my house that's for fun, play and intimacy. Either myself or Blaik (Mr. Romance) takes the initiative to lead the dance. I'm working on a new list of modern suggestions for couples looking for activities. It's finding time in your day to day life to have that connection. I don't know about you, but I count my blessings to have someone in my life to hug and have sex with. Smile.
Debbie Herbenick has this to say about why you can create intimacy with a simple connection:
To stop and notice that you are living with and/or loving a wonderful being who chooses you – and to notice that every day you stay you are choosing them, too – can bring two people closer in love and in sex. In fact, an interesting finding from sex research is that although several aspects of sexual function (orgasms, erectile function, vaginal lubrication, desire) tend to decline with age, sexual satisfaction tends to not change as much. Often, it even improves with age, perhaps because women and men learn to cherish what familiarity brings them: namely, someone to come home to and to count on and who's invested in knowing their bodies and their minds better with each passing year.
This was the opening paragraph about the date nights the arguably busiest (and most powerful) couple in the world.
THEIRS is a seasoned marriage, 16 years and counting. They are middle-aged. Life is that modern-crazy haze: two girls in the windstorm of year-end school activities, the puppy that must be walked twice daily, the live-in mother-in-law. They both work long hours. Standard recipe for a drive-by relationship.
But the first couple seems to have regular date nights, and by all accounts – a hot marriage.
Aude Guerrucci/Bloomberg News
AWWW The first couple, leaving the White House for an evening out in New York.
Elbowed sharply in the side, husbands felt betrayed by the commander in chief. On “The Daily Show,” Jon Stewart reviewed the Obamas’ glamorous foray and screeched, “How do you compete with that?” He warned Mr. Obama, “Take it down a notch, dude!”I've long been lamenting about the need for a weekly date night for my patients. It keeps things hot, increases the connection, and generally makes sex fun and inclusive again. I give my marriage counselling patients a structured list of what I call "marriage saving activites" that include things like white water canoeing, adventure camping, parking and outdoor sex.
Here are my rules for date nights…
1. Weekly or bi weekly, and they need to be scheduled. Each partner is then in charge of organizing activities for thier respective nights.
2. The other partner gets to "shut up and co-operate". You can plan something different on your night, but no complaints are allowed.
3. A minimum of 30 minutes of non-genital touch needs to happen.
4. You can't do the same thing over and over.
5. You try and do something that promotes intimacy. Loud hockey games (except if there is loads of smooching), don't qualify.
6. You talk about experiences, fantasies, or things you want to do. Not the kids
Here's the article from the New York Times about the science of keeping it exciting.
But brain and behavior researchers say many couples are going about date night all wrong. Simply spending quality time together is probably not enough to prevent a relationship from getting stale.
Using laboratory studies, real-world experiments and even brain-scan data, scientists can now offer long-married couples a simple prescription for rekindling the romantic love that brought them together in the first place. The solution? Reinventing date night.
Rather than visiting the same familiar haunts and dining with the same old friends, couples need to tailor their date nights around new and different activities that they both enjoy, says Arthur Aron, a professor of social psychologyat the State University of New York at Stony Brook. The goal is to find ways to keep injecting novelty into the relationship. The activity can be as simple as trying a new restaurant or something a little more unusual or thrilling — like taking an art class or going to an amusement park.
The theory is based on brain science. New experiences activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamineand norepinephrine. These are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love, a time of exhilaration and obsessive thoughts about a new partner. (They are also the brain chemicals involved in drug addictionand obsessive-compulsive disorder.)
Most studies of love and marriage show that the decline of romantic love over time is inevitable. The butterflies of early romance quickly flutter away and are replaced by familiar, predictable feelings of long-term attachment.
But several experiments show that novelty — simply doing new things together as a couple — may help bring the butterflies back, recreating the chemical surges of early courtship.
“We don’t really know what’s going on in the brain, but as you trigger and amp up this reward system in the brain that is associated with romantic love, it’s reasonable to suggest that it’s enabling you to feel more romantic love,” said the anthropologist Helen E. Fisher, of Rutgers, who has published several studies on the neural basis of romantic love. “You’re altering your brain chemistry.”
Over the past several years, Dr. Aron and his colleagues have tested the novelty theory in a series of experiments with long-married couples.
In one of the earliest studies, the researchers recruited 53 middle-aged couples. Using standard questionnaires, the researchers measured the couples’ relationship quality and then randomly assigned them to one of three groups.
One group was instructed to spend 90 minutes a week doing pleasant and familiar activities, like dining out or going to a movie. Couples in another group were instructed to spend 90 minutes a week on “exciting” activities that appealed to both husband and wife. Those couples did things they didn’t typically do — attending concerts or plays, skiing, hiking and dancing. The third group was not assigned any particular activity.
After 10 weeks, the couples again took tests to gauge the quality of their relationships. Those who had undertaken the “exciting” date nights showed a significantly greater increase in marital satisfaction than the “pleasant” date night group.
While the results were compelling, they weren’t conclusive. The experiment didn’t occur in a controlled setting, and numerous variables could have affected the final results.
More recently, Dr. Aron and colleagues have created laboratory experiments to test the effects of novelty on marriage. In one set of experiments, some couples are assigned a mundane task that involves simply walking back and forth across a room. Other couples, however, take part in a more challenging exercise — their wrists and ankles are bound together as they crawl back and forth pushing a ball.
Before and after the exercise, the couples were asked things like, “How bored are you with your current relationship?” The couples who took part in the more challenging and novel activity showed bigger increases in love and satisfaction scores, while couples performing the mundane task showed no meaningful changes.
Dr. Aron cautions that novelty alone is probably not enough to save a marriage in crisis. But for couples who have a reasonably good but slightly dull relationship, novelty may help reignite old sparks.
And recent brain-scan studies show that romantic love really can last years into a marriage. Last week, at the Society for Personality and Social Psychology conference in Albuquerque, researchers presented brain-scan data on several men and women who had been married for 10 or more years. Interviews and questionnaires suggested they were still intensely in love with their partners. Brain scans confirmed it, showing increased brain activity associated with romantic love when the subjects saw pictures of their spouses.
It’s not clear why some couples are able to maintain romantic intensity even after years together. But the scientists believe regular injections of novelty and excitement most likely play a role.
“You don’t have to swing from the chandeliers,” Dr. Fisher said. “Just go to a new part of a town, take a drive in the country or better yet, don’t make plans, and see what happens to you.”
One of the questions I regularly ask my patients is "Tell me about the best sex you've ever had". Nobody has the same answer, but I get commentsabout the most attractive partners, the range of repetoire, the newness of the partner, and exciting places.
However, lately, the thoughts about the best sex ever have been about how the moment made you feel (especially when I query patients older than 50). It's about the intimacy – or the connection that you make during the sex that gives you the goosebumps. That's what makes it special. in my I wrote a blog a few weeks ago about the research Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz did about the eye gazing, and how feeling close to one's partner made sex better.
One of my patients asked me about my favourite sexual memory, and how do I quantify great sex. In thinking about it, I think it has a little to do location, a little to do with magical visual shots in my brain, and a little to do with scent. Scent is the sense with the strongest link to memory, and I think women are far more likely to remember smells when recanting a special sexual experience than the men I interview.
For me, magic is the full moon, the sound of wolves and loons howling, and of being outside by the water having forbidden sex. Or the way the sun made the water sparkle while floating behind the dock and having penetration on a busy lake in the middle of the afternoon. The smell of wet grass in the rain, and the sight of frogs jumping as we went looking for a spot to christen. Suntan lotion, and sex on the beach. hmmm maybe there is something about outside sex that makes it magic and memorable. Give that some thought as we head into a weekend of warm nights, and glistening bodies.
Spring must be in the air. Harrison Ford that that perpetually skinny actress Calista Flockhart have decided to made it official, as hass Bruce Willis and his main squeeze, Victoria Secret model Emma Heming (listed on the list of the top 100 of the world’s hottest women). Now long time bachelor and late night curmudgeon David Letterman has tied the knot after 10 years of dating. His long time partner
Regina Lasko, the mother of his 5-year-old son, got hitched in a courthouse ceremony near their Montana ranch, Letterman announced during the taping of his CBS “Late Show” yesterday.
“Regina and I began dating in February of 1986, and I said, ‘Well, things are going pretty good, let’s just see what happens in about 10 years,'” joked Letterman.
“I had avoided getting married pretty good for, like, 23 years, and I — honestly, whether this happened or not — I secretly felt that men who were married admired me … like I was the last of the real gunslingers, you know what I’m saying?'” he said.
As I was doing some research for an article for an upcoming bridal show, it seems that men have a very push-pull attitude when it comes to taking the big plunge. For many guys, the very thought of making a commitment to one woman for the rest of their lives is enough to send them sprinting for the hills. The dreaded “C-word” implies compromise, loss of independence, the sacrifice of sexual variety, and the looming specter of financial devastation if they’ve been divorced before.
Another cool sex and relationship survey – this time from my friends
at Rutgers University, men today are overwhelmingly apprehensive about getting married. A couple of the guys I pooled informally (okay I asked my brother, a few patients, and the male dental hygienist at the dentist today), what would scare them about marriage. The honest ones spoke of the looming disappointment of sexual exclusivity and the loss of freedom. I’ve said it before, men are attracted at the most basic level to sexual newness. Sleeping with only one woman for life can be scary when presented with life’s buffet of redhead’s and brunette’s. Getting past that fear of loss of independence, freedom, space and losing that schmorgesborg of sexual bounties (even if it is only in their heads) is scary. I’ve long thought as a marriage counselor, that many a relationship could be saved by having a marital “recess”. A get-out-of-jail-free time when you could play for a month long trip with the boys, wild orgies, or solitude without hassle might stop many a guy from hedging when presented with the thought of matching left hand rings.
But there must still be something positive about the institution of marriage. If it can get a confirmed bachelor like Letterman to the alter, maybe there are more guys out there ready to take the plunge.
www.sexwithsue.com, www.schoolofsquirting.com, www.solveprematureejaculation.net
http://www.wowowow.com/entertainment/late-night-surprise-david-letterman-marries-longtime-girlfriend-regina-lasko-248558