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When it hurts to have sex. Identifying and solving the problem.

When it hurts to have sex. Identifying and solving the problem.
Women suffering pain during sex is a very common topic discussed during my patient sessions. It’s also the source for many tears and tissues. Think about it, if you experience pain every time you have sex how long does it take before you don’t ever want to get horizontal again? The literature says you can develop an aversion after one to three experiences doing something that hurts. With those numbers it’s a wonder the species survived.
When it come to vaginal pain, Vaginismus, Dyspareunia, Vulvodynia and perineal lesions are big words used to describe serious discomfort. If you or your partner are experiencing pain during any kind of sexual activity I encourage you to start exploring the reasons why. Your sexuality is part of you. Don’t give it up because you associate it with pain. Many of the treatments are really effective if you can get the right diagnosis.
Vaginismus is defined as “a condition where there is involuntary tightness of the vagina during attempted intercourse”. I say it is a painful spasm of the vaginal muscle because of stress, pelvic inflammation, or overall sexual anxiety. The tightness is actually caused by involuntary contractions of the pelvic floor muscles surrounding the vagina. The woman does not directly control or ‘will’ the tightness to occur; it is an involuntary pelvic response. She may not even have any awareness that the muscle response is causing the tightness or penetration problem.
In some cases vaginismus tightness may cause burning, pain, or stinging during intercourse. In other cases, penetration may be difficult or completely impossible. Vaginismus is the main cause of unconsummated relationships. That means trouble losing your virginity or having sex effectively for the first time with someone new. The tightness can be so restrictive that the opening to the vagina is closed off altogether and the man is unable to insert his penis. (This is the base of all the stories of people getting “stuck together”). The vagina locks down during a muscle spasm and getting in or out is a problem. The pain of vaginismus ends when the sexual attempts stop, and intercourse is halted.
Vaginismus is treated well through pelvic physiotherapy. Physiotherapists who work with or specialize in urinary tract and bowel problems also deal with extra-tight or spasming vaginal muscles. The pelvis physiotherapists I know are great and get fabulous results. Google the location of one near you. One of the tricks I use is homemade dilators. Forget the expensive ones that look like narrow penises and try whittling down a tapered candle until you can get it inside. Start with a birthday candle and work your way up. Wax is inert and won’t break off and cause an infection.
Dyspareunia simply put is “pain at intercourse”. The pain can be in the genital area or deep inside the pelvis. The pain is often described as sharp, burning or similar to menstrual cramps. It can have many causes such as infections, dryness, hymen remnants, lack of elasticity, vaginismus (see above), pressure on the cervix, or thinning of the vaginal wall among other things. You have to rule out organic or physical reasons by a trip to your doctor before calling in the sex therapist. I have a bunch of suggestions that really work but explore the issue of inflammation first. There is no one solution that fits all.
Vulvodynia (vul-vo-DIN-ee-uh) is chronic pain in the area around the opening of your vagina (vulva) for which there is no identifiable cause. The pain, burning or irritation associated with vulvodynia may make you so uncomfortable that sitting for long periods or having sex becomes unthinkable. The condition can go on for months or years. I sometimes call it undiagnosed vulva pain because it is often the diagnosis when the doctors aren’t sure what’s wrong.
Treatments for all three of these conditions can include:
Medications,
Biofeedback therapy,
Local anesthetics.
Nerve blocks.
Pelvic floor therapy.
Surgery
Many of the women I see describe red, inflamed tissues and bulging ducts around the opening of the vagina. There are some great creams coupled with gentle saline water jet therapy (some of which can cause contractions) that offer at least temporary relief.
Finally, the last common type of vaginal pain (not that there aren’t some more obscure reasons you could be hurting) are perineal lesions. The perineum is the inch and a half of tissue between the bottom of the vagina and the anus. The bottom of the vagina is stretchy and thin. It is this piece of tissue that can be cut (called an episiotomy) during childbirth to allow more expansion for the baby to be delivered. For some women there can be chronic tearing and pulling on this skin. And it hurts. Creams (like polifax or arnica) help but with some women the build up of scar tissue encourages the tear to keep opening. Sometimes a small suture works to close the fistula (another word for the sore) if the problem is more mechanical (meaning it keeps happening during sexual activity). Many of the causes of lesions are related to other health problems so go see your doctor.
This was a long-winded blog that basically says that if sex hurts, don’t suffer in silence. No matter where you live you can find help. It’s your sexuality. Make it pleasant and pain free.
If you’ve been to your doctor and are still in pain let’s talk. I can project manage this and find you resources. I really get it. $75 for 30 minutes and $125 for 60 minutes. It may just take one appointment.

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Using hypnosis to change the bad sexual programming. It really works.

I have lately been doing more and more sexual hypnosis for individuals who have what I call “bad original sex programming”. Think of sexual thoughts and patterns that aren’t healthy or fit their model of the person they want to be. Examples are tormented Catholic boys who were told by Nuns that sex was dirty or unchristian-like. Or women who were programmed that “nice girls don’t”. Even with their loving husbands. Or men who are so fearful of catching a sexually transmitted infection that they can’t move forward and touch a medically cleared partner. I see individuals who never talked about sex in their families and who learned that there was something inherently bad about their sexuality.
Hypnosis has always seemed to have had a bad rap. The truth is that all hypnosis is self hypnosis. Meaning it’s only about accessing your lower programming, and only messages that you want in your head actually get through. So nobody can control you, or cause you to act like a chicken if you don’t want it. Which is why the most powerful subconscious psychology is when you speak to yourself with the messages you want to act out.
I studied reproductive medicine as well as psychology. For years, hypnosis was done only by MD’s (medical doctors). More and more psychologists and other professionals (and a few quacks) have turned to hypnosis to help people change behaviors and programming. As a sex therapist I see individuals who are frustrated with their sexual thoughts and feelings and want to change them. And I’ve seen some amazing changes. I’ve lost weight, my brother lost a great deal of weight, and I have too friends that have stopped smoking. With stopping smoking I’ve seen it where individuals who have been heavy smokers come out of a hypnosis session claiming it didn’t work. And yet they decided after leaving the session that they simply didn’t feel like a cigarette. It was only after weeks of not smoking that they admitted that maybe there was something to this hypnosis thing.
Changing the programming through hypnosis isn’t an exact science. As I say to my clients, there is no “one size fits all, especially around sexual responses”. The minute that I think that everyone is the same that’s the minute that I need to closed down shop. Everyone is unique. But if you can control the messaging, and get yourself relaxed enough to access the underlying programming then hypnosis is a fabulous tool.
Hypnosis is defined as “a scientifically verified and effective technique that can promote accelerated human change. With Hypnosis, we can create desired changes in behavior and encourage mental and physical well-being. Learn how to guide yourself and others to lose weight, quit smoking and be free of physical pain.”
While in a hypnotic state, your conscious mind (the mind you are reading and thinking with now) is temporarily by-passed and you gain access directly to your subconscious mind. Through hypnotherapy, your subconscious mind becomes highly receptive to positive suggestions and beneficial ideas; essentially re-educating yourself at a fundamental level. These suggestions are a combination of the goals you want to achieve, behaviors you want to change and a mind-set you want to develop. While under hypnosis you are still in control of your thoughts and actions, and will only accept suggestions and integrate changes that are appropriate for you; whether mentally, physically, spiritually or emotionally. It is a consensual state from which you can emerge at any time of your own choosing.
For specific sexual problems hypnosis (in my opinion) needs to be done by a trained sex therapist. Sex is close to the bone, or is where you are most vulnerable. In order for it to be effective you need to trust the provider or you will shut down and get no benefit form the session beyond a 15 minute relaxation exercise. Sexual hypnosis is you talking to you about the sex life you want to have. If there is something that you want to change about your sexual self why don’t we talk about it? It is likely covered by your health insurance plans and it will make a huge difference in your marriage, your intimate life, and how you view yourself. Send me a note now. We can likely have this fixed up within a week. It’s the same prices as my regular rate and I have a four visit program that will have you seeing some remarkable changes.
Trust yourself (and me) and give it a try. You’re worth it.

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Ideas about increasing the passion in long-term relationships

One of the questions that I ask people when they come in to see me as a sex therapist is “tell me about the best sex you’ve ever had. “ Men usually base their answer on their sexual performance. Or the time when they acted out the Kama Sutra and did 10 positions in the same love making session.
For women I often get one of two answers. They talk of high school when the foreplay was long and extended, and there was a denial of intercourse. Maybe it was because most of the action took place in your parent’s basement or in the backseat somewhere. That tentative touching was so hot. When was the last time you had three hours of nothing but petting? There was also a newness of sexual feelings that were supremely powerful. Alternatively, women describe mind-blowing sex in a hotel room, having beach sex, or in the bushes by the golf green. Sex anywhere but in the bedroom.
I think desire needs newness, mystery, and a sense of adventure to really combust. You may think that is opposite of what relationship counseling preaches. And you would be right. Couples therapists suggest increasing the connection, the closeness and the communication. Relationships thrive with touch, and mutual interests. Those are all good things. And that closeness works for some couples. But intimacy only sometimes begets sensualuality. For some couples the closer and more loving you become, the less heat that is generated in the bedroom. For many people the “crazy monkey sex” needs space between individuals to flourish.
Ethel Perrel in her book Mating in Captivity has this to say “ Ironically, even the closeness generated by good sex can have a boomerang effect. Many couples experience their relationship as a dance in which great sex brings them close but then this very closeness can make sex difficult again”. It can be difficult to generate the nuances of passion between cooking, cleaning, laundry and child care. For many couples the mystery is long gone.
So if this year’s New Year’s Resolution is to crank up the heat in the bedroom to get through those cold Ottawa nights, I’m suggesting there is more to do than lying back and suggesting your partner “can have a go at it”. Look for both newness activities (I’ll have a list of then next month for Valentine’s Day) and adventurous interludes. Take a class, try out a new image, and do a couple of things separate from your partner. And initiate sex somewhere besides the bedroom . You might be able to re-kindle some of that heat you felt when you first made out on your parents couch.

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Single's events this Valentine's Day!

Here are a list of great Single’s ideas you might want to consider this Valentine’s Day!
Logo with Red background
Valentine’s Day Singles Activity at Supper Works!
Valentine’s Day is about love. If you are not in a couple, it may be about finding love!
Try something brand new. A single’s meet, mingle and food preparation unlike any other. It will be laugh-out-loud fun, flirty, and productive. You will be entertained by Clinical Sex and Relationship Therapist Sue McGarvie, (who Oxygen magazine called Canada’s funniest therapist). You’ll meet new people and you’ll go home with three delicious freezer-ready meals for those busy work nights.
Tuesday Feb 11 7pm-9pm Singles Night at SupperWorks NEPEAN
15 Capella Court, Unit 127- (South of Hunt Club and Antares).
Wine and munchies are provided while you prepare three delicious meals (feeds 2-3 people) to take home.
$50 is a steal!
Space is very limited!
Grab a friend and sign up by calling Supperworks Nepean 613-695-5151 or alison@supperworks.com
Or have some scotch and celebrate your (and my!) Scottish heritage.
LCBO Nepean Crossroads | 543 West Hunt Club Road, Nepean, Ontario
K2G 5W5 | (613) 224-4333
TUESDAY, JANUARY 21 | 7:00 – 8:30 PM
A TOAST TO ROBBIE BURNS – $45
Back by popular demand! Join us as we toast a great Scot with some great Scotch. Tonight, we will experience the spirit by sampling different styles of single malt Scotch produced throughout Scotland. Don’t delay our Scotch classes sell out quickly.

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Valentine's Day Date Activities for under $50

After Halloween, Valentine’s Day is my favourite holiday of the year. Maybe its simply the amount of chocolate that goes on sale. Either way it’s the day of the year when you take a moment out to tell your partner that you would pick them all over again if you had a chance. It’s the day to kiss them and formally remind them of how important they are. As I tell my clients, “you don’t buy your parents a Valentines.”
But staying away from the commercial aspects of holidays is difficult. I much prefer having experiences and time with my sweetie than more stuff. And besides I just got everything I wanted for Christmas. So in the spirit of romance, I’ve come up with 5 activity suggestions that say “I love you” all under $50. Enjoy and take some time this February to frolic naked. And unlike lots of date suggestions (unless you live in Australia) you can do them in the four feet of snow that we usually have in mid- February.
1. Micro beer tasting. I don’t know about your sweetie but mine is loving all the new micro breweries popping up. Locally Mill Street has some great new blonde beers, and their raspberry fruit beer is hugely popular. Try an evening of romantic taste testing. Grab a number of creative cans (I buy it based on whether or not the name makes me laugh) set up a blindfold taste testing. Add some sweetened beer nuts between tasting and you have a fun date activity. And think of all the uses for the blindfold. Smile.
2. Geocaching. I have friends that swear by it as an adrenaline pumping date activity. Geocaching is a worldwide game of hiding and seeking treasure. A geocacher can place a geocache anywhere in the world (think: the middle of the forest or top of the Empire State Building) and pinpoint its location using GPS technology. And then you share the geocache’s location online. All you need to get started are a GPS device and the whereabouts of a “treasure” listed on the website.
3. Try the love hunt couples scavenger hunt from the datingdivas.com. Seriously the PERFECT at-home Valentine date! My favorite part is the love hunt and the task and clue cards that are INCLUDED FREE!
4. Hit the books with your significant other by learning something new together as a couple. I did an informal poll and my female friends sighed wistfully when they spoke about taking a class with their sweetie. I like salsa lessons, the make-your-own-sex-toy-class (www.venusenvy.ca), erotic massage, tantric sex courses as a few ideas. In Ottawa Elaine Comeau at wild pigments art classes does a learn-to-paint-for-two (as well as singles classes) 613 558-6507.
5. Try an out-of-your-comfort-zone activity with your partner. I have a girlfriend who is trying rock climbing at the Sandy Hill Community Center with a guy she’s dating. I have tried sword fighting as a Groupon recently that had me sweating and feeling uncoordinated. I loved it. There is a batting cage in most cities that may be worth a try and having your sweetie show off his expertise in some area increases his testosterone and makes your Valentines Day memorable.

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Why sex makes up happier. A new study.

Sex makes us happy. Duh. know a this isn’t a big news flash but there are a couple of interesting new studies that finally explain why doing the horizontal bop puts a smile on our faces. As a sex therapist I tell my clients that they need to keep their sex lives active or run the risk of losing their sexuality. The usual use it or lose it mantra. There is current research that explains that sex makes us feel closer, is physically one of the things we can do to stay healthy and generally just feels good.But how it makes us happier is the subject of much debate and countless research grants. For women who are sexually satisfied, it makes us happier. This fact my be obvious (and doesn’t need a sex expert to explain it), but the reasons why may surprise you.
The first, a study out of The University of Colorado Boulder suggests that we are happy when we know that we are having a better sex life than our neighbors. That na nannana kind of glee that knows you are hotter than your acquaintances. “There is an overall sense of well-being that comes with engaging in sex more frequently”. Having sex makes us happy, but thinking that we are having more sex than other people makes us even happier.” And you thought it was just your lawn mower your neighbor coveted.
A second study from the State University in New York says that it is the chemistry of semen (absorbed or ingested) that makes us happier. The fact that that women who are exposed to their partner’s semen during sex may find themselves feeling happier than those who use a condom,” say scientists.
So despite the need to practice safe sex (a infection-free partner is the key here), the mood-altering hormones in semen absorbed through the vagina can help to boost women’s mood.Semen contains a range of hormones, including testosterone and estrogen, both of which have been shown to make us happier. It goes with the study that shows that the chemicals in semen are actually good for our teeth (but I digress).
The new article from Men’s Health suggests that HUSBANDS ARE HAPPIER WHEN THEIR WIVES ARE SEXUALLY SATISFIED. The cliché says a happy wife is a happy life, and new research confirms it’s pretty much true. Researchers have found that a wife’s sexual satisfaction can predict her husband’s happiness. To find this, researchers from Ohio State University interviewed married couples to find out how much of an impact intimacy had on their relationship. They discovered that men reported higher levels of relationship satisfaction when their wives were sexually satisfied. Experts say this is because many men feel their main job in a relationship is to satisfy their wives sexually. Researchers say her sexual satisfaction is not just based on whether or not she orgasms, but also on the quality of foreplay, duration and frequency of sex and her partner’s adventurousness in the bedroom.
Finally there is an article from a new paper published by the Institute for the Study of Labor who reports that researchers have come to the groundbreaking conclusion that yes, sexual activity does indeed have a strong correlation with happiness. Not only that, but having more sex means better health and higher wages, so that whole evolutionary perpetuating-the-human-race thing is now sitting in solid fourth place on the list of top 10 reasons you should get it on regularly.
According to the study, “individuals who had sex more than four times a week had 5% higher wages than those who didn’t, which means your coworkers that are always skipping out early from work to have some good old fashioned intercourse with their partners are not only getting laid more often than you are, they’re making more money too. The higher wage effect remained true even when other factors came into play, like education or sexual orientation.”
So what doesn’t make us happy about sex?
The University of Texas study finds that women are more likely than men to regret having casual sex, moving too fast in a relationship, or sleeping with the wrong person. I think dialing drunk should be up there too.
Men, meanwhile, just regret not having sex with more people. Think about it. As a woman you regret the mercy hump, or jumping into bed too soon. Men tend to regret what they didn’t do – the red head, the threesome, or not having crazy monkey sex whenever possible.
But overall happiness can be elusive. Is it as simple as having more sex (and better) sex? I think sex is an important part of happiness. But it’s only one part. I loved Gretchen Rubin’s books The Happiness Project, and Happier at Home. She researched happiness, and while she didn’t spend her year on her back, she has some insights into how sex can add to your happiness. Gretchen had lots really great things to say. Listen to my interview with her that explores this issue of happiness in greater detail. gretchen rubin- the happiness project author talking about a year of happiness
So no matter what makes you happy (semen, comparing your sex life to the Jones’s, or that it makes you more money) you may want to explore your current reasons for grabbing a quickie.

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The 12 Sexy Days of Christmas. This year's best sensuous holiday presents

I have friends who are totally into the Black Friday shopping experience. The idea of fighting for parking spots at outlet malls, and waiting in line at Target may be some people’s idea of fun, but it isn’t mine. But it does remind us that even without snow on the ground, it is time for my third annual list of sexy holiday gift ideas. Some of the gifts you can buy locally, some you need to do some power online shopping (so get on it before the rush hits), and some just require some effort and almost no money. I know it doesn’t feel like Christmas (I am still looking at the Halloween sales for next year’s costume) but if doing something intimate for your sweetie is a priority, you may want to start thinking about some of this year’s items. Either way, have a great holiday and you can expect to hear from me in January. Smiles, Sue So what do you get a partner this holiday that says, “you are the sexiest person I know but it elegant, upmarket and makes them bite their lip and smile knowingly? I collect a list of things I covet throughout the year and put them all here. Hint Hint.
1. Faux bearskin rugs. If your fantasy is to frolic naked in front of the fireplace then these rugs are the accutraments you need. Under $50 and you can even get the fetching zebraskin model. Go to hollywoodloverugs.com.
2. Music for Lovers. The Sarah Vaughn collection is entitled exactly that, “music for lovers”. I also like the Seal Soul collection (he has a new one out), or the John Legend CD. A fabulous soundtrack for romantic days in bed.
3. Cashmere Throws. Nothing says, warmth, intimacy and romance like cashmere. One of my favourite things are my cashmere gloves. But Amazon has some great buys on cashmere throws
4. Boudoir Photograph. – I think every woman needs a sexy photograph of herself. And given that men are so visual, it is the most titillating and sensuous of presents. I am hosting a women’s boudoire day on Dec. 1st. Space is limited, and we are doing make up, wine and munchies and and a great photograph in the outfit of your choice for $50. See below for details.
5. Ipod powered Vibrator. If you have a hip, music lover for a partner then have a look at the music-powered vibe. All the rage this year, you can sometimes find them at the local adult store or order it in the colour of your choice at ohmibod.com
6. Silk stockings. It still stops most men in their tracks. Classic stockings and garters are by far the most common sexual fetish. I get mine form the European lingerie line that has taken the world by storm over the last three year. Quick shipping to North America. I dare you just to buy the one item off their website. maison-close.com
7. Chocolate covered Strawberries and a breakfast tray. I was in Westboro this week and the Kitchenalia on Richmond Road had amazing breakfast in bed trays. They are easy to make too if you are on a budget and can dip your own strawberries. Otherwise, go a few stores down and get the strawberries from Truffle Treasures, the yummiest local confectioner.
8.Movies to Boff to. Everyone needs an erotic movie collection. It needs to be more than just porn. But if you want porn, I like the Pirates series, just about anything from Candida Royale, Andrew Blake, or anything that’s won an AVN Award. Those are always the big budget movies with a storyline. But for curling up (on the new bearskin rug) I like some of the oldies. Exit to Eden (with Dan Akroyd and Rosie O’Donnell) has Dana Delaney in one of the hottest sex scenes I’ve ever seen. There is a new movie called Secretary that’s pretty racy. I like Bull Durham with Susan Sarandon, and Body Heat with Kathleen Turner. Finally Out of Sight with George Clooney feeds my wicked fantasies about George and I.
9. The Sham-Wow flogger. I’m not kidding – a full flogger made out of those car shammies. A girlfriend of mine has one and I’ve been wanting one since I first saw it in June. They are soft, but will still give you the feeling and sound of flogging-only without the pain. The deerskin ones come close, but the shammy ones are absorbent, and don’t hold odor. Very fun. These are hand made and you can’t find them online ( and I looked). The only place that seems to carry them are Wicked Wanda’s on Bank Street.
10. Avatar Flesh Light. The Fleshlight has now been round for a dozen years and it’s considered the Cadillac of men’s sex toys. It looks like something you can hide in your toolkit and is considered top of the line when it comes to sensation. Now they have designed one called The Alien Fleshlight”. It’s blue and the marketing is a la Avatar sex. A little cheesy for sure, but the reviews I hear say it may be a fun-but-useful gag gift in your partners stocking this year.
11. Incognito Drop necklace. It looks like an elegant silver or gold pendant, but it opens up to vibrating nipple clamps. How cool is that? The price ranges from $109 to $134 and its available at babeland.com
12. The last item is a toss up. There are these beautiful Jimmy Jane blindfolds (either on line or I’ve seen them at Tuesday’s the Romance Store on Wellington at Holland). I also like the silk scarf tie ups you can get there as well. Or the burlesque lessons from Capital Tease and Rockalilly burlesque. Either way there are so many fun, sexy and intimate items that should be under your lovers Christmas tree this year. It’s time to get shopping while the selection is still good. Smiles, Sue

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I'm going to lose weight before Christmas. It's a competition with prizes. Join me and get skinny.

I ate and drank my way across France and Belgium last month on a holiday with my sweetie. In the south of France, surrounded by vineyards, I did my best to taste more than my share of France’s biggest export. I waddled onto the plane. The picture is me and my family at The Vimy Ridge Memorial in the North of France. Note the wine belly.
I came back and tried to figure out how I was going to lose that 40 extra pounds that had found me over the last couple of years. I’ve tried a lot of diets. I’ve just finished the 8 Hour Diet (only eat in an 8 hour window), the Virgin Diet (eliminate wheat, dairy, sugar, peanuts, soy, eggs, artificial sweeteners, and corn), and The Fast Metabolism Diet where you eat gentle carbs and no fat for 2 days, meat and fat for 2 days and both for 3 every week).  Not really new information, but a lot of it made sense. What they didn’t talk about was the motivation and structure for losing the weight.
Then I picked up The Game on Diet by Krista Vernoff (The Emmy nominated head writer for Grey’s Anatomy) and Az Ferguson (an Australian buff personal trainer). The story goes that when Krista couldn’t lose the weight by conventional means, Ferguson designed a game to keep her motivated. The duo set up two teams and pitted them against each other with a prize at the end after 4 weeks of following the game. You had to support your teammates daily and were allowed to trash talk your opponents. Points were pooled. But the results weren’t based on weight loss. They were tabulated around points for healthy eating habits. That means nobody got to know your starting weight.
My new body Image and Sexuality women’s group is going to start this challenge. We are cool, we are motivated and we are in need of opponents. I you think your butt is too jiggly too, and are serious about losing some weight then I want to hear from you. I’m setting up the game and really want to make this work. This is not just a diet game, it’s a better life game, a goal-meeting game, a health-improving game – it’s whatever kind of game you need it to be.
So… if you have weight you want to lose, are able to commit to communicating with your teammates, and be honest about your points, and have fun while getting skinny then email me now at suem@rogers.com. *
If you have any of the below things (as listed by Krista Vernoff) going on with you then I WANT TO KICK YOUR BUTT, all the while making myself skinnier.
*You want to tone up.
* You want to change any aspect of your life.
* You want to improve your self esteem.
* You want to have more fun.
* You want to build community.
* You want to stop feeling like a victim and start knowing that you have the power to change.
* You want more motivation to exercise.
* You want more motivation to eat healthy whole grains, fruits and vegetables.
* You’ve become complacent.
* You want to improve your sex life.
* You’ve fallen out of love with your backfat.
A fantasy about Patrick Dempsey is the closest you’ve come to a social life in the last few months.
You’re sick of the ho hum every day and you’d like to shake things up with something slightly healthier than a torrid affair.
You’re having a torrid affair and you think your ass looks fat in bed. Okay, I’m getting silly now but you know and I know that there are a thousand good reasons to play. Pick one. Or make your own list of a dozen.

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Why I love Halloween and why I'll be buying discount costumes this week!

Halloween is my favourite holiday. It involves chocolate, scary movies, lots of Michael Jackson’s 80’s songs, and becoming anything I want to be for an evening. It’s the time you can buy discount gloves, funky pantyhose and cool contact lenses. I get to dress like a pirate and say “Arrrr”. It also means that you can flaunt your sexy self in a fun, creative and safe way. I went to three Halloween parties this year and the enthusiasm for the holiday abounded. Lots of diversity, lots of people feeling fun, frisky and sexy. It doesn’t mean trashy (Spif went to two of the parties in one of his three tuxes looking like Kevin Spacey), but it can. It means playfuland sex as I tell everyone is adult play. It’s the time of year when typical rules around buttoned down parent and office worker by day becomes your Superhero alter ego by night. I wish there were costume parties every month.

As a sex therapist I’m always encouraging fantasies, role playing and feeling sexy. For women especially, feeling sexy means looking pretty and having great shoes. I mean women get that its all about the clothes. Most men  interest in clothes involves taking it off of us, or what we look like in lingerie. I constantly preach the need for newness to create that heat that ensures passion the other 364 days a year. You NEED to play with your partner. So I encourage you to start a tickle trunk this week. The Halloween costumes are 70% off and you can find a few sexy things to wow your sweetie. Consider it a date night and go play with leftover bunny costumes. It’s good for your relationship, imperative for keeping up the passion, and will let you drop those inhibitions.  I’m looking forward to seeing the pictures.

How to be your own sex therapist. 5 things you can do to improve your intimate life.

Maybe mechanics feel this way about negligent car owners. As a Sex and Relationship Therapist I know ow much work relationships take to stay connected and sexy. Couples love each other but are too busy running in place to make their relationship a priority. Kids come, date night stops, and before you know it “you’ve lost that loving feeling”. It’s insidious. You are busy getting everyone to activities, making dinner and walking the dog. The relationship gets frayed -often badly- at the edges.
Making time and spending on your relationship is critical. After o to their grave loving someone over 23 years in private practice I’ve learned a few key truths. First as long as there is love, the grass is not always greener on the other side. Trading your partner in for a younger, sexier model isn’t always the best strategy. People can go to their grave loving someone, but they may not connect sexually very well. Or the sex can be dynamite, but living with that person may not be all that’s cracked up to be. Secondly, intimacy takes work. Unless you are taking on lovers (and newness keeps things interesting most of the time), it takes real effort to keep a love life creative and swinging from the chandeliers.
So what can you do to be your own sex therapist?
Here are my top five simple things you can do to be your own sex therapist.
1. Plan sensuous date nights at least twice a month. This means a three hour evening at home where you plan food, whipped bream, furry handcuffs or a mutual massage. It has to have a sexy component. It doesn’t mean going out to a movie with your neighbours. Unless you are taking in the movie without underwear.
2. Make sure you touch your partner regularly, look into their eyes and say “I want to be with you”. The Emotionally Focused Therapy techniques are huge in brushing away resentments and re-kindling closeness.
3. Spend some time talking about what turns you on. Check out my list of 50 erotic things to do, or go through the list of what puts you in the mood. Even after a decade you may still be surprised about what might get your partner’s engine running.
4. Do some REGULAR non-genital touch. Plan three minutes each of touch in a way that you (and your partner) enjoy. Where it is rubbing your partner’s feet over coffee in the morning, everyone needs regular touch. I suggest you structure it in at least three times a week.
5. Plan couples get-aways. I’m serious. You should be on intimate holidays at least for a weekend twice a year. I always tell my kids that just like they need time with their friends, I need time with my sweetie. Most people are under holiday’ed and that time with your partner where you can mess up some hotel’s shower or sheets can give you the kind of sex that will keep you from threatening divorce attorneys.
If these still don’t work email me at suem@rogers.com, and I’ll bring out the heavy artillery. Sex really is use it or lose it. Don’t be at risk of losing your sexuality. Now go jump your partner.
And if that doesn’t work and you need your friendly neighbourhood Sex Therapist then reach out. Let’s have the first conversation and see if I can solve the problem.

When the mighty fall. Cultural leaders behaving badly. Why Lance why?

Lance-Armstrong I have a friend who had a ceremony a few months ago to cut her Live Strong bracelet off her wrist. Having once raised $10,000 to ride with Lance Armstrong, Lance was her idol. She cried when she took off her symbolic bracelet of support with Armstrong’s charity and lifestyle movement. She cycled religiously and would travel to hear him speak about his model of helping others. His now proven accusations of performance enhancing drugs has left her feeling disillusioned and betrayed. She couldn’t believe that he would do that to her. For her, his act was personal. Although I am quite certain he didn’t have my friend (or any of his legions of fans) around when he was making decisions related to his steroid use. As a shrink I know that the surprise is not that someone like Lance Armstrong was using performance enhancing drugs throughout his career, the surprise would have been if he had not. His physical performance was beyond Herculean, and the pressure to win would have been enormous. In a great quote by John Wight who said,
“Armstron’g extraordinary success, magnified in his case by a successful battle with cancer, led to him becoming the prisoner of a public which demands that its sporting heroes jump higher, run faster, punch harder, and cycle faster while conforming to a level of moral purity and rectitude rendered impossible in a culture in which success and human virtue are considered two sides of the same coin.”
I remember when Bill Clinton was being raked over the coals for his affair with Monica Lewinsky, and his subsequent false denial in his now infamous “I did not have sex with that woman” speech. Although as a sex therapist I know about powerful men and baseline sexual conquest addiction, I was still disappointed. I’ve think Bill Clinton is the leader of my generation. I thought the Monica Lewinsky fiasco showed he was human. And that he certainly crossed the line into sexual addiction. We can go on about Martha Stewart, Hugh Grant (and the hooker on Hollywood blvd), and a plenary of other politicians but I think you know what I mean.
Last week the New Yorker did a story about Dr. Oz and many of his questionable medical facts. Sigh. Dr. Oz rocks. He’s incredibly bright, attractive and offers up an interesting mix of traditional medicines and alternative options that have now not necessarily been proven accurate. Et tu Mehmet?
His colleague Dr. Eric Rose, a professor of surgery at the Mount Sinai medical school had this to say when asked directly if they would refer a patient to Dr. Oz.
“No, I wouldn’t. In many respects, Mehmet is now an entertainer. And he’s great at it. People learn a lot, and it can be meaningful in their lives. But that is a different job. In medicine, your baseline need has to be for a level of evidence that can lead to your conclusions. I don’t know how else you do it. Sometimes Mehmet will entertain wacky ideas—particularly if they are wacky and have entertainment value.”
rayray And finally today there is the new that my darling Ray Lewis (the amazing defensive lineman for the Baltimore Ravens) may have taken something called “Deer Antler Spray” which contains a banned substance to enhance his healing. I’m rooting for the Baltimore Ravens this weekend primarily because Ray Lewis. You can’t help but wonder if this is his last need to stay in the spotlight. But Ray Lewis! Along with John Cusak, Howie Long, Robert Downey Jr, and Henrik Zetterberg of the Detroit Red Wings, Ray tops my personal bad boy list. You know The List. The one made famous on friends of sex partners you have the “get out of jail free card with if you were ever so propositioned”. And Ray Ray, deer antler spray or not, please proposition me.
So I’m hopeful that Ray Lewis can rise above all the controversy, win the Super Bowl and retire with grace. He’s also welcome to call me anytime for a weekend of debauchery. But the truth is that anyone trying to stay at the top of their game will take extra steps to stay there. Its amazing how we can justify the “means justifies the end” kind of behaviour. It’s also clear that when people tell you that you are the best and rarely say no to you, it’s hard to stay humble.
I think most people will take shortcuts when pressed.I think most people will do incredible things far outside their comfort zone when pressed. As a sex therapist I often see the results of that line sometimes getting blurry. The challenge is to bounce off the rubber room of ethics and larceny in your own head and come out with a clear understanding of temptation. I go through the talk in my head every day about why I need to stay on the straight and narrow when it comes to eating mammoth amounts of chocolate. For Ray, Lance, Bill and the others it may have gotten bigger than them. And these downfalls remind us that we are all human.
 

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Men, internet pornograhy and why it can be so very difficult to give up.

porn1Besides women and low libido, a plenary of premature ejaculation sufferers, a big block of my practice involves problems related to the use of pornography and its effect on marriages. However you feel about porn you can’t argue how pervasive and how readily available it is. Sometimes called the “crack cocaine of the 21st century”, internet porn is dead simple, free and hits those pleasure centres in our brains. It appeals to the male need for newness and for visual stimulation. Pornographic images requires no work on your part to please a partner,and you always can find exactly what strikes your fancy at any given moment.
Here are the problems. Some people have real ethical issues with the material. I’m of mixed minds on this (having personally met many women who happily and cheerfully work in the sex industry and would shout up and down that they are NOT exploited). But some women find their partners viewing this material highly offensive. Many women also feel threatened by their partner fantasizing to images of women with perfect bodies. Some men masturbate so much that they aren’t able to help their partners out in the bedroom. I’ve had patients who need to go into the bathroom at work to masturbate, or miss outings because they were in the “porn haze” of extended sexual sensory overload. If it starts to interfere with real life, then “Houston we have a problem”. I do skype sessions around managing porn with men in all cultures and through out North America.
As a sex therapist I see some challenges. Porn is not real sex with real women and thus the perception of what is authentic sexuality gets distorted. Real women aren’t always perfectly waxed, go into throes of ecstasy when you touch their knee, nor like a 12 inch penis in their rectum. If you expect your partner to behave like a porn star, you can understand why there is a disconnect.
Unlike some therapists, I think there can be a place for adult material in a relationship. I find some of the female erotica directors depicting the funny, sexy, imperfect act of genuine sex endearing and a turn on. I find mindless banging with disrespected women offensive. I also understand that porn needs to be treated with respect. Just like drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, sex can impact those pleasure centres in the brain and become addictive.
Having a cart blanche that your partner can’t look at porn EVER makes it secretive and is setting them up to fail. In my opinion it doesn’t work. Finding a middle ground that invokes communication and creative dialogue about what really pushes your buttons is information that partners need to know about each other as to what they find hot. Porn can be a slippery slope of self loathing, secretive behaviour and diminished partner response. It can also be a fun, raunchy, silly way to add visual images to your love making. If you’ve caught your partner looking at porn don’t freak out. Come up with some boundaries, make your feelings heard and maybe get some help mediating this. It’s a complicated issue and far more powerful than most women realize. Oh, and 90% of men look at it. Be informed.
For men who think their pornography habit is taking over their life there are solutions I can help. Let’s set up an initial consultation for 30 minutes to explore solutions. It’s $75 and it will give you the framework you need to take action. Book with me now and let’s get started.