No she doesn’t want to see your dick. The etiquette of online dating for men.

Don’t be a dick

Blunt lessons on dating and flirting in the digital age

By An Anonymous Duckling

Yup, this is yet another article on Internet dating. Unlike many such articles written by guys in the last twenty years, you won’t find anything on opening lines, or advice on being “alpha” or edgy or any of that.

 

For starters, women are past that, particularly the women who have lived a little. Secondly, we’re Ducklings. where the ethos is first and foremost about actual interaction and being a decent person.

 

The lessons in this article were acquired over many years of online dating, observation, and being a sounding board for women who have heard and seen it all.  In somewhat random order, here is what I’ve learned.

 

  1. You are not unique and special until you prove that you are

 

Whether in online dating or a community like the Ducklings, the reality is that women have choices. They’ve likely interacted with a lot of guys, and it takes more than a brief conversation before they become comfortable enough to want to spend one-on-one time with you. And no, she doesn’t want to see your penis yet.  She knows what penises look like, and no matter how awesome yours is, she’s seen one before, and seeing a picture of yours really isn’t going to make it more likely that she’ll be touching it. Unless of course she explicitly asks for one, then have fun!

 

In short, just exchanging a couple of messages or a brief conversation at an event aren’t going to make you stand out. It takes time to make a connection, and until you do, you’re just another guy who has hit on her that month.

 

  1. Being a decent person makes you stand out.

 

It’s a sad reality. Between the catfishers, scammers and the guys who want to meet “at your place” within five minutes of first contact, women who have spent any time online have seen and heard it all.  Now, you’re a Duckling which means you’re a decent person, right?

 

So show it.

 

Don’t bring up sex out of context. Listen to her. Be a friend.

 

And seriously, a lot of guys have passed those tests, been ok during the “let’s meet” date, and then shot themselves in the foot by assuming that first meeting would end with a quick blowjob.

 

Don’t be that guy – they are unbelievably common. Some women are actually on-edge during a first meetup because they are bracing for the sudden and unwelcome sound of a zipper being undone. Guys who find a way to make it clear that they aren’t “that guy” will have a much better time. The blowjobs will come later.

 

 

  1. She knows that you know that she has boobs. You don’t need to talk about them.

 

It seems to happen less often now than in the early days of online chat/dating, but its still an issue – at some point early in the online conversation, the guy will ask about bra size or ask for a boob pic.

 

Sure, maybe it works sometimes. But as a general lesson – mentioning her boobs in any way makes it less likely that you’ll get to touch them.

 

Women want to be lusted over, but it can’t be indiscriminate. They want you to like their boobs, but they don’t want to be treated like a collection of sexual body parts. Its complicated, but its all part of people wanting to have an actual connection.  Ducklings seek that connection. Make that connection, and good things will happen. And it may not be with the first women (or the third) that you meet, but it will happen.

 

  1. She’s not going to be impressed, so don’t bother trying.

 

This one’s complicated.  Firstly, know that you’re quite likely not going to be the most accomplished guy she’s ever spoken to. Yes, she wants to know that you’re a functioning adult who won’t need to borrow money. But beyond that, let your personal qualities speak for themselves.

 

Yes, many women will want a guy who can at least fit in and can afford their share of a winter getaway. Respect that.

 

But, coming from a guy who was married to a former NHL spouse, trust me – you’re not going to impress her with money or the circles you’ve been in. I would have been a fool to try. The truly valuable quality is what I mentioned earlier – being a decent person and be the person you’re projecting yourself to be (more about that later).

 

Remember that no matter how subtle you think your bragging is, she’s heard it before and sees right through it.  Besides, different women are impressed by different things; trust her to figure that out for herself.

 

  1. There isn’t a girl shortage

 

This comes down to both not being a jerk if she says “no”, and not wasting your own time with someone where the connection isn’t really going to happen. You can’t force it.

 

There truly are a lot of women looking for a connection, and this article just touches on why they have a hard time finding a match. I’m convinced that there are more available women than there are guys who “get it”. What this boils down to is that if you behave like a decent person, then there is a woman for you. She might not be one of the first ten you flirt with, but she’s out there. Knowing this makes it much easier to move on if she’s not interested.

 

Face it – if you’ve had significant interaction with someone and you’re still unsure if she’s into you or not, she likely isn’t. Move on gracefully and don’t become “that guy” with a reputation as a pest.

 

  1. Be true to yourself – don’t adopt kinks and alt lifestyles just as a means to meet women

 

Submissive women see it all the time: Men who have self-declared as dominant, bought a leather hat, and let it be known they’d like to partner with submissive women. The experienced women see right through it. They all have stories of the guys who couldn’t lead a dog to their food dish who have decided that being a dom is their best route to sexual adventure.

 

Don’t be that guy. A Dom-Sub relationship puts the sub’s emotional and physical security at risk if it isn’t led by someone who gets it. Real damage can be done by people who don’t understand the dynamic and who don’t realize the relationship is really about the sub’s need.

 

The same requirement for authenticity applies for people declaring that they are poly or a swinger. None of this rules out experimentation – just declare your curiosity up front and you will learn the right way what’s for you while minimizing hurt feelings (or worse).

 

 

Interestingly, these six lessons mesh nicely with the Duckling mantra. Be authentic. Be nice. Be social. Respect boundaries. Whether on the new Duckling Dating site, other online dating sites, or at events, these lessons won’t guarantee that you’ll meet someone, but they will help you stand out.

 

Men encounter their own issues with women during the “finding someone” phase. It is definitely a struggle. By being a decent and authentic true version of yourself and not treating women as a collection of body parts or a kind outlet, then you’re well on your way to standing out above the crowd.

So besides Duckling dating spend the $500 and specific, engaged online dating coaching during Covid with Canada’s leading Sex Therapist Sue McGarvie. She will write your ad, help you with pictures, coach you on what to say, where to put it and how to connect with someone in real life. It’s time to do something about it. Reach out to Sue now.