Tag Archive for: sex therapy

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How to deal with sexual trauma & PTSD. And why you are triggered more than ever.

 

The pandemic has amplified so many things in the area of mental health. Like most of my colleagues, I have never seen the kind of challenges individuals and couples have faced over the past 16 months.

More and more in my office I’m seeing women (and some men) who have past sexual trauma – abuse, assault, harassment etc. being triggered in ways they haven’t been previously. I take a “as needed” approach when it comes to dealing with past issues. Less about uncovering every memory and more about “what do you want your life to look like” school of thought. I also really like groups when it comes to dealing with trauma. There is a great new book out called Group- How a therapist and a group of strangers saved my life. It talks clearly over a 5 year process about how being held accountable and being heard offers massive shifts in healing. I also see big shifts in EFT & hypnosis (with a kick-ass hypnotherapist – choose wisely) in trauma.

I’ve been looking at new ways to help my clients stuck in a feedback loop of sexual avoidance as a result of past trauma. Neuroscientist Dr. Jill Taylor offers a few suggestions in her recent book where she looked at triggers to help her deal with flashbacks to her own stroke. Here are her suggestions to helping navigate triggers:

  • The 90 Second Rule – When someone has a reaction to something in their environment, there’s a 90-second chemical process that happens; any remaining emotional response is just the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop.  We have the power to control our emotions and how long we feel them for before reacting to any given situation.
  • Become Acquainted With The Four Characters Of Our Brains – These provide a conceptual platform that we can use during our times of need.  Although we may not be able to completely sidestep our flashbacks entirely, we certainly have the ability to recognize the emotions, thoughts and experiential triggers that lead up to the PTSD events.
  • Adjusting To Post-Pandemic Life – How to re-engage socially while focusing on elements that trigger your emotions.
  • De-Escalating Hostile Situations – Addressing both your fear and the emotions of those acting out.

I find treating couples and coming up with new ways to approach sex help. Men can be very linear when it comes to sex. And sometimes a bit clueless and defensive as we all want to be wanted. Re-framing sexual situations really do help bring couples closer in the bedroom. I do 30 minute virtual sessions all over the planet with lots of homework that uses some of these new tools and resources. Consider booking a $70 session and moving the chains in your own life.

Oprah and John Tesh, an unlikely couple. Find out why with the science of attraction

www.sexwithsue.comcontact

Would you do this guy?
According to the release of an Oprah biography yesterday, the Queen of Talk, and the King of Schmaltz were an item. Think about it, Oprah and John Tesh up close and rubbing their squishy parts together… I wonder if it lasted longer than the 90 second “intelligence for your life” sound bites that Tesh seems to produce as part of his daily life?  Today’s tabloids says she’s joined the other team with longtime friend Gayle. There is life after Steadman, and I’m all for Oprah sharing her new experiences.
As my friend Earl McCrae always said “As long as they spell you name right Sue, there is no such thing as bad press”…
Anyway, it got me thinking about other unlikely couples and the science of attraction. Belinda Stronach and Tie Domi? Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed? Woody Allen and Soon Yi?
Since I am always interested in the science of attraction, I had a look at the updated Darwinish book about mate selection.
“Choosing a mate is one of the most important decisions made in one’s lifetime and one of Darwin’s core components of sexual selection,” said David Geary, author and Curators’ professor in the Department of Psychological Sciences in the MU College of Arts and Science.  “Sex and reproduction complicate our lives in many ways, the most fundamental of which involve the demands of finding a mate. These choices are important because they echo through subsequent generations. The social dynamics that emerge as a result of sexual reproduction usually involve competition with members of the same sex for access to mates or control of the resources that will attract mates.”
In his book, Geary documents how sex differences found in humans and many other species can be explained by Darwin’s sexual selection. One of these sex differences is the level of parental involvement by males. Male parenting is found in less than 5 percent of mammal species. Because the males in many species do not provide any parental investment, females in many species do not compete for mates. In humans, however, men have a significant role in parenting, compelling women to compete for mates.
“The more men have to offer, the more valuable they become to women as a reproductive resource,” Geary said. “For this reason, men in all cultures are highly motivated to attain social status and control of culturally significant resources. The resources can vary from land to herds of cattle to large paychecks. Male-male competition is about making themselves attractive to women but the competition also can lead men to compete in lethal ways to gain control of social resources.”
Female competition may include how they dress or adorn themselves in ways that enhance their traits that men find attractive. Women may degrade these same traits in potential competitors and manipulate social information and relationships to drive competitors away from potential romantic partners. Male-male competition may explain factors, such as greater male mortality, risk-taking and rough-and-tumble play. Female-female competition may account for greater female emotional sensitivity and greater language proficiency, Geary said.
I don’t know if this explains the phenomenon but maybe it explains how Keith Richards stays sexual. If you are a guy trying to figure out women then I strongly encourage the in-person and virtual men’s group.  If you are ready to meet someone real then consider my guaranteed-to-meet-someone $500 (in three installments) dating program.