,

What sex is really meant to do

Baby I love being a sex therapist, and think sex is one of the last great free pleasures that everyone should do with joy and grace. I know not everyone has the amazing experiences of astounding sex, and I try not to project my interest in exploring every fascinating corner that their sexuality might be on unsuspecting people. Sometimes my enthusiasm gets away from me, and you can forgive me for assuming that sex is all about different ways of rubbing genitals.

Except that yesterday I was reminded why sex is such a strong basic urge and why we really actually do it. I saw my much anticipated, overwhelmingly loved, newborn niece, and was taken aback with the magic of reproduction, and flat out miracle of life. She was close to three weeks early, and despite a rough arrival is absolutely perfect. Tiny little ears, eyelashes, toes and the whole five pounds of her would fit easily in two palms. With my own babies as excited as I was (and how amazing they each were) I was too busy recovering from delivering them, (and then manage serious sleep deprivation) to really sit back and revel in how fantastic the whole process of sexual reproduction is. Despite all the problems we have as human beings we still continue to cook up these perfect little packages in less time than it takes to write  a thesis outline (at least mine). You can forget so easily that our jobs as sexual beings is to win the genetic lottery of having life beyond our own, and passing on our DNA material a little further and improving on the current model. Evolution means we are outdated by our kids, and their jobs are to grow up healthy, survive and reproduce to have kids of their own.

Maybe I'm waxing a bit poetic here, but if that's why we are all here on this planet, maybe the world isn't such a mixed up place after all. Welcome baby Hannah, we celebrate your arrival, and know that your wayward aunt will love you and will always have gum. Smile.

The mysterious vulva folds

Vulva1 I was reminded this weekend that everyone is unique and that sexuality is a fluid and never a “one size fits all” brush”. You would think that given how many people with different issues that I treat,  that the indiviual preference and variety of responses would be top of mind.  But the cool thing about my job is that no day is ever the same.
I realized that I was using my own sexual responses as a measuring stick for all women’s responses. I am clincally average. I like clitoral or g spot stimulation.  Anything else, and you are just teasing me, and not likely to get off. However, I am dealing with women for whom climax from anal sex, and find touching their clits far too insense.  They prefer perineum (the inch between the bottom of the vagina and anus) to be stimulated, or the folds of the labia majora an minora (inner and outer folds) highly erotic to be played with. That kind of stimulation leaves me bored.
No wonder men wander around down there in the dark.  If women, (and sex experts to boot), make assumptions about our sexuality all being the same, how can men who in turn have some pretty unique and specific features, be expected to follow the nuances?  Communication in the bedroom, absolute basic need if we are to move beyond mediocre sex. And damn it, we deserve hot sex. At least good girls like I do. smile
Vulva_book_pic_2
 
 
 
 
 
 

Women coming into their own

Bi2 It’s seems like one of the biggest cosmic jokes that women hit their sexual peak between 38 and 46, and for men, it’s all downhill after 19. I personally thing that men get better (and certainly know way more about women) as they get older.  But then, I’m not a cougar. However, being the hot women in my sexual peak years is just so very cool.  But even for those of us who have been studying sexuality all of our adult lives, it hasn’t been an easy process. It takes a while for most women to say "screw it",  it’s about my pleasure, and I’m going to ask for what I need.  And have the confidence to tell anyone who might edit that to go jump inthe lake.  Because everyone else is worried about appearances too, and are just longing to be happy. 

I did an interview for a national women’s magazine aimed at young women 18-30 this morning, and we spoke of the pressure on young women to be sexually knowlegable, always in the mood, secure with their birth control, able to orgasm on command, and in synchronization with their partners. Sigh. No wonder women are still faking it, and buying vibrators in droves. It takes awhile for your body to learn to do the full repetoire of sexual tricks it has hidden in our moist folds. It also takes the self confidence to say I want to try this, touch me here, and my personal favourite "harder, faster, deeper, and MORE".  It’s okay to be sexual and play anyway your little heart desires.  Provided it’s safe, and no one gets hurt, it really is adult play, and one of life’s great pleasures.

I remember what it was like to be young, horny, and stuck with a whole bunch of social constraints on my sexuality. Fear of pregnancy, disease, or worse, having my Dad find out. And those feelings of overwhelming arousal is starting even younger. Given the hormones in meat and milk, young girls are hitting puberty at a record age.  I have a friend who’s eight year old daughter just got her period. Argh! Can you imagine, growth spurts, mood swings, crazy feelings, pubic hair, going on the rag, before the age when most kids know how to make change for a dollar?  I wouldn’t be sixteen again for all the money in the world. Now it’s probably closer to 12.  So as I see new signs of aging in myself, I can be so grateful that I am at my peak sexually. At least those parts are still in their prime.

,

Women who love sex

I got a revised edition of Gina Ogden’s book “Women who love Sex”, and remembered why I love this little tome. What a great thing it is to celebrate Women who want it. Without a slutty lable, well researched, fluid (a little clinical, not so raunchy), but great, great content.
I am a woman who loves sex.  No really, big elaborate surprise I know, but there have been many times in my life when I have apologized for an abundant sexuality.  There have been times when I have felt like a mutant, or that there was something wrong with me that I liked sex that much. This girl’s gotta have it. Just like my libido patients, who feel sad, cry, and feel like there is something they are missing out because they don’t want to have sex with their supportive boyfriends and husbands, I have felt different because I am craving an orgasm yet again. I am not indiscriminate, don’t treat sex casually, but it is a huge part of my creative process. I couldn’t imagine being sexless. It doesn’t have to be intercourse, it doesn’t even have to be with another person, but my sexuality is one of my greatest gifts.  And I am so grateful.  I recently had abdominal surgery and the most important thing for me was that it had absolutely no effect on my sexual response. In many ways I would rather give up my left arm than my innate sexuality. What Gina Ogden’s book illustrates, is that I’m not the only one. I am grateful I am not alone. And like many of the women outlined in her book, I look forward to being a sexy older woman. I can’t wait.
“Sexual pleasure is good. More than good. It is life-enlarging,  particularly as women become more more adept at exploring the vast arena that pleasure is. Sex is a source of energy that radiates beyond this or that randy encounter. Satisfaction leads to personal integration and rewarding relationships of all sorts. To celebrate the erotic, to feel motivated by satisfaction rather than guilt and suffering, is a radical reframe for many women.” page 19Gina
 
 
 

,

Girls gone wild lingerie shoot

Dsc_0692_4 I had a few girlfriends over last week for a little wine, a little dress up and show each other our lingerie, along with a chance to pose quasi-naked in my backyard. Boudoire photos outside are all the rage, and it was a perfect night to feel the air blowing against almost naked skin. It digressed quickly as we went from stiff and self conscious to ass showing, breast baring, finger sucking poses. It wasn’t the heated debachary that men hope happens when women get naked and frolicking, but it was hot all the same. What it felt like- for everyone- was joyful, uninhibited, and downright fun. Girls being girls. Lipstick, lace, and helping each other with our hair. It was memorable, and for a couple of body image conscious participants- downright healing. I’m not posting any of the group shots – use your imagination, but these may give you a sense of it. A great suggestion for a birthday or anniversary gift because as cute as I am now, it is always a good idea to immortalize all that cuteness.

,

Women, lube, libido, and chocolate

I know I’ve written about the sexual wonders of chocolate before, but I think chocolate is as necessary as lubricant when having sex with women. I think all women need lube regularly – different times of the month, or stage of life will present a different type of wetness – no matter how turned on she is. FYI I am juiciest when I’m ovulating and the ten days following ovulation to my period. But women who are nursing, over 48, or simply bathing frequently may be a bit dry.  I’m reading the new book Orgasmic by Marrena Lindberg called The Orgasmic Diet. I should have written this book- it’s everything I’m recommending to my patients around libido, but she wrote it first.  Bully for her, and I’m not petty because she actually did a great job of it. She talks about taking massive doses of Omega 3 fish oil tablets to increase women’s libido. I suggest 10 a day, (she goes higher than that so that will have you burping fish pills all day), a supplement of cold primrose oil, magnesium and calcium, and my personal favourite 8 to 10 oz of very dark, chocolate. Yum. You can always tell I’m heading into PMS time when I start writing and craving chocolate. What dark chocolate does is increase dopamine levels, and help steady the levels of serotonin. Chocolate (and a little red wine) is the ultimate panty remover. Deliver it a half hour before sex, and her orgasmic receptors all start firing, and you can do no wrong. At least she is most likely to climax with the minimal amount of stimulation. If you’re a women who isn’t in the mood, or reaching orgasm as frequently, then a combination of herbal medicines – including regular chocolate will keep you in peak sexual form. Oh, and if you are following the above diet, you are less likely to need the lube. However, Oh My now makes a delicious chocolate flavoured lubricant. How sexy is that? A naked man, feeding you chocolate, covered in chocolate lube….hmmm

,

It's all downhill from here

The common belief is that women hit their sexual peak about age 37.  Considered the power age for women, your body has learned all that it needs to know, and your hormones are happy bubbling away at top performance about then. After that it’s downhill in terms of basic the biology of desire, interest and abilities. Or so so leading endocrinologists say. Sigh.  As I rapidly approach 40, I’m going through the mid life panic that sets in when one hits major milestones. We may be like men, who peak at the age of 19 when their erections are the hardest, they recover the quickest, and can shoot the farthest. It doesn’t mean they know shit about women, but they are little rabbits in terms of desire, and abilities.Sue3

So what doesn it mean for women (like me )who are past the use before date?  It means we need to take better care of ourselves, and increase our sexual activity, (I don’t know if it’s possible, as I chase my partner around the house as it is), and work hard on improving the quality of our sexual responses. This is the time to start exploring tantric sex, dessicrated liver tablets, (keep your hormones balanced) and buying ourselves a hot new sex toy. My friend patti beleives that every woman should have a vibrator fairy that delivers you a new toy for your 40th birthday.  So as I get ready to celebrate my 40th, and look at the dawning of a New Year, my resolution will be to be the randiest, most sexually fulfilled middle aged woman around. You with me on that?