Why words like mistress, and cheating are on their way out. The language of Non-Monogamy

Non-Monogamy is rapidly moving up the list of most common topics I see in my office. The culture of sexual openness is advancing quickly it seems. More and more people are asking me about swinging, polyamory, and ethical non-monogamy in my office. People struggle to find Clinical information about a topic that has only been in our repertoire for a short time. There hasn’t had time to develop words bout non-monogamy to describe them sufficiently.
I posted an article about the case for new erotic language on our wearetheducklings Facebook group and the discussion was vibrant. We need to develop new language. And some of it is evolving. Words like compursion ( excited for your partner’s happiness about playing/loving someone else), and metamour – your partner’s partner. These are considered commonplace in the non-monogamy communities and are part of the lexicon to those who follow these discussions.
But we were still struggling. We had a conversation about new non-monogamy words in our wearetheducklings .com closed
“We use words like Wally’s and Vinny’s. Wally’s are the guys who stare and are super creepy (think of THAT guy in the back of obsession). Vinny’s are guys who think they are God’s gift to women and come off as jerks – I guess similar to McBains. There is also SAM’s – Single awesome male who knows how to go to a lifestyle party and not be one of these guys.”
A McBain (from the Simpson’s) is someone who talks up your partner with no respect for the relationship. “To be McBained. Imagine you and I are talking and someone decides to barge in, places his back to you and cuts you out completely and physically out of the conversation to start making time with me. No regard for anyone else (either you or me), just regard for himself. Can be a woman doing this too.”
Pool hugs – Pool hugs is just a happy group of us, with or without clothes, just hugging, loving (not sexually) one another. Think of a bunch of us in the pool doing this.
Erotic language has at time been challenging. Slut shaming vs. owning the word, being marginalized as a mistress (a woman you have an affair with) vs a Mistress (a dominate woman) and you can understand the confusion.
There is a great quote about sex and language in the blog The Case for new erotic language by D Saah
“I often wonder how different my early sexual experiences would’ve been if the words, advice, and conversations about sex sounded more like:
“Masturbation is a great way to bring yourself pleasure and learn your body.”
“If penetration hurts, do something else that makes you feel good.”
“It’s okay to use lube!”
“Communicate and negotiate with others about the things you want to experience and your boundaries.”
“Your pussy deserves to be licked.”
As Kid Fury and Crissle often say, “words mean things” and currently the words we use to describe the kind of sexual experiences we have are insufficient and quite frankly outdated.”
I wholeheartedly agree. Where are the linguists in our culture who can cunningly design some new words? We sure need more of that. Smile.