There is a toast made famous by an admiral in the British navy that goes: "To our wives and mistresses, may they never meet." That line has never been more relevant.
Whether Tiger Woods, or Matt from The Today Show, having a mistress seems like all the rage. Just like owning a luxury car, or holidays in exotic spots, having a mistress seems to be the right of passage for successful men. Previously, it was men that seemed to have all the cards. They could have their cake and eat it too. Lately, given the many women that Tiger and other men have had, it seemed to be a even more of a tightrope when anyone can facebook or Youtube about celebrity gossip. But the power has lately been more in the hands of mistresses. It is the mistress that can out their dalliance, and it is the mistress that can do the Heidi Fleiss "tell all book".
All that may change with the the new trend of having disgruntled wives now suing the mistresses. Apparently in the US there is a law in many states that allows you to sue for "loss of affection". Instead of keeping things private, the whole world can watch the disolution of a union.
"The queen of all mistress-suers, Cynthia Shackelford, sued her husband's mistress, Anne Lundquist, for ruining her marriage, claiming alienation of affection and intentionally or recklessly causing severe emotional distress. She was awarded nine million dollars." (see above article for more detail on the juicy scandals)
I think that is completely catty and inappropriate. My sweetie Blaik says "studies have shown that 90% of men would stray if they got away with it, there aren't enough judges in the world to deal with those numbers of lawsuits". A mistress is never the cause of a divorce. She is a symptom alongside of men's base urge for newness. To me it is another symptom of how the institution of marriage isn't keeping up with social evolution. More on that as I write an article on "the revenge of the mistress".
So more Miss Universe and now some hot model (albeit an Amish one ) has been caught posing suggestively? Big yawn, of course they have. Just in case someone hasn't mentioned it before, sex sells. And it is fun to pose in a way that makes you look sexy and attractive. And everyone is inclined to get in on it. Even Miey Cirus's squeaky clean girl image will try and show some skin. Have you seen the new Hannah Montana video? If you're beautiful, famous or both someone is going to want to take your pictire. What is it about skin that has everyone all atwitter? (see the Twitter comments)
Like the quote attributed to the hottest pin up girl of all time (50's movie star Bettie Page) "To be naked is to be oneself. To be nude is to be seen naked by others and yet not recognized for oneself". It turns out that because we can wear clothes, we can motify our looks like nothing else in the animal kingdom. I think we need to get a grip on our reactions to nude pictures. I think nudity allows us to stop hiding and really get comfortable in our own skin. For couples struggling to be intimate, I get them to spend some time being naked. Especially outside. It is one of the simplest and most effective suggestions I can make as a sex therapist.
So there are some very attractive women who have taken off thier clothes…. And other people like to look at them. That and Tiger Wood's sexual compulsions make the top stories of the day? Just because they entre a beauty pagent, or come from a very traditional culture doesn't mean that they aren't sexual beings. We are all sexual, and some of us look better naked. Why do we assume becuase someone has notary, do they have a responbsiblity to have mosre subdued behaviour and not pose naked? So says beauty pagent officials.
Where am I going with this? Don't know, but just shake my head wondering what all the fuss is about. Besides, I thought you would want to see the pictures to see what all the fuss was about.
I've long thought that major sports club should have sex therapists on retainer. Part counselor, part nurturing principal figure (don't disappoint us), and part kick-ass dominate who'll be what out-of-control testosterone needs. Young men with too much money, time, and overblown egos need their sexuality managed if they can't seem to keep it in their pants. Sports figures manage their image, financial planning, and coaching. I think they there needa consistent, therapeutic way to manage potential "off the field" problems. As a sex therapist/and sex addiction counselor I've written insights into Clinton, ARod, Tie Domie, Woods, and countless CEO's, I find myself shaking my head about this week's exploits. I really believe that many men will have difficulties managing their sexual selves if they aren't given the tools to deal with raging hormones, fantasies and overwhelming opportunity to indulge.
Take Big Ben Roethlisburger, the Quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers. He's in front of the NFL Commissioner this week after a third women (this time a 20 year old in Georgia who was kept in a back room by Ben with his body guards blocking the door) came forward with sexual assault charges. There is absolutely no excuse for the behaviour, but it could have been identified and managed before he put anyone else at risk. The NFL need some help dealing with large men out of control. And despite what Terry Bradshaw says, I think he needs therapy, (and a serious tune up) not a lecture from the Commissioner. Like Tiger, he's a lock to repeat the behaviour. The only thing he's may have learned out of this is discretion. He doesn't have the tools to self correct. This week we also learned that Stephen Seagal (quasi athlete turned TV star) has had his reality show "Lawman" halted because he is being sued by a model for making her "his sex toy". http://thresq.hollywoodreporter.com/2010/04/hollywood-docket-cops-shut-steven-seagal-down-charlie-sheens-right-to-remain-silent-sarah-palin-cont.html
And there is Charlie Sheen. Not a sports figure (he just played one on TV), he is up on domestic abuse charges for holding a knife to his wife's throat. I would be inclined to give these guys the benefit of a doubt except that with the third time for Roethlisburger (fifth occurrence in the case of Sheen) shows the pattern continues unabated. I think the answer is to understand the psychological link between physical achievement, domination and sexuality. If you understand that triad of deep rooted inclinations, and you have a chance of solving inappropriate sexual behaviour. I have not yet heard from sports management organization (feel free to call, I am so confident of my theory I'll work for free). It is time to quit doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. You and I both know that is the definition of insanity. It is also the absolute guarantee that the headlines of men behaving badly will continue.
Much of my work as a sex therapist is to simply reassure people that they are normal. Everyone has sexual needs and desires. The instinct to rut and reproduce only follows the urge to survive as our most powerful drives. That most men are randy and think about sex at least once an hour isn’t news to the women who live with them. Sex addiction happens when those sexual needs override everything else, and render the individual unable to function both personally and professionally. So based on my definition, Tiger Woods is not a sex addict.
Addiction is a real thing. Anything that targets the pleasure centres of the brain can become addictive. Smoking, alcohol, chocolate, or gambling can certainly change your physiology. Any addiction gives you those little pleasure buzzes in your head that have you coming back compulsively for more. Sex most certainly falls into this category. It goes from being a happy pill to a full blown addiction when it starts to take over an inordinate amount of brain space. The sex addicts I see in my day to day practice are paralyzed with inaction. They surf porn for five hours at a time, find themselves masturbating at work, blow their rent money at the local massage parlours and are generally filled with self loathing. If a behaviour starts to interfere with ones ability to function, especially professionally, then it’s time to get some help to cope with the compulsions. Just like in those employee assistance commercials which showed an empty desk and ringing phone on Monday morning to illustrate a co-worker with a substance abuse problem. Sex addicts like any other group with a problem start having problems maintaining their corporate responsibilities. At no time while frolicking with a bevy of mistresses, did Tiger’s game seriously falter. He continued to be ranked first in the world with prize winnings of over 10 million dollars last year.
Much more common than sex addicts, are people struggling with temptation. I believe that men’s sexual needs are defined by hundreds of million years of evolution. Men are biologically attracted to “newness” when it comes to sex. There is a global appeal in wanting variety when exploring sexual appetites. Desiring sex, or sex with a litany of different women does not make you a sex addict. The only difference between Tiger Woods and some of the men I see looking for suggestions on how to explore an urge for more variety is that he has the opportunity. Few men I know get propositioned by different women in their daily lives. If they did, every study done in the last ten years about male sex drive would suggest that most of them would act on the invitation. And unlike men and couples looking to explore sexual variety with integrity, Tiger took the easy ride into infidelity.
Think about it, he's like any other young, fit, aggressive guy chocked full of testosterone. Men who can, often do and Tiger has beautiful, seductive women throwing themselves at him continuously. He faces temptation that would tempt a saint. And Tiger is no saint. Despite his previous PR campaign to hold himself up to higher standards, Tiger is as human, and as sexual as the rest of us.
There is a new series on History television called Ancients Behaving Badly. It's simple "Rocket Robin Hood animation" meets the known facts of all the great conquerors. It also offers up a moving scale of personality disorders. It uses historical facts of men in positions of power. There are lots of throwing tantrums and demonstrating psychosis along with a competitive need to win. One of the most common characteristics of exceptional men is narcissism and the need to be viewed as special. In my opinion, Tiger is more of a narcissist. To call himself a sex addict and use the label of an addiction because it spins better as an excuse for his behaviour is dismissive of people really struggling with sexual addiction. It also gives any philandering spouse the “get out of jail free card”. It feeds into what I see as the American Hollywood culture of victimhood. To say he was just a philandering jerk doesn’t lend itself well to his sponsors and public. To say he has a problem that a month in the Betty Ford Clinic will fix makes him a fallible hero. I believe Tiger Woods will give into temptation again. He maybe able to say no to the first hundred propositions, but the liklihood is that he will give into the 101st. Like holding your breath under water he will come up sputtering. You can’t fight those urges with nothing more than platitudes, and he needs a life plan not a month surrounded by yes men telling him he has a problem.