There is a toast made famous by an admiral in the British navy that goes: "To our wives and mistresses, may they never meet." That line has never been more relevant.
Whether Tiger Woods, or Matt from The Today Show, having a mistress seems like all the rage. Just like owning a luxury car, or holidays in exotic spots, having a mistress seems to be the right of passage for successful men. Previously, it was men that seemed to have all the cards. They could have their cake and eat it too. Lately, given the many women that Tiger and other men have had, it seemed to be a even more of a tightrope when anyone can facebook or Youtube about celebrity gossip. But the power has lately been more in the hands of mistresses. It is the mistress that can out their dalliance, and it is the mistress that can do the Heidi Fleiss "tell all book".
All that may change with the the new trend of having disgruntled wives now suing the mistresses. Apparently in the US there is a law in many states that allows you to sue for "loss of affection". Instead of keeping things private, the whole world can watch the disolution of a union.
"The queen of all mistress-suers, Cynthia Shackelford, sued her husband's mistress, Anne Lundquist, for ruining her marriage, claiming alienation of affection and intentionally or recklessly causing severe emotional distress. She was awarded nine million dollars." (see above article for more detail on the juicy scandals)
I think that is completely catty and inappropriate. My sweetie Blaik says "studies have shown that 90% of men would stray if they got away with it, there aren't enough judges in the world to deal with those numbers of lawsuits". A mistress is never the cause of a divorce. She is a symptom alongside of men's base urge for newness. To me it is another symptom of how the institution of marriage isn't keeping up with social evolution. More on that as I write an article on "the revenge of the mistress".
Like most people I know, I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time on my computer. Lately it's been looking up interesting "hook up websites" so I can be in the know with my patients. Nothing worse than being the expert who isn't hip to the next, new thing. As Andrew Tress says in his new book Decoding Love, "The way we find love now is crazy" Imagine how insane our current system to find love would look to an anthropologist from Mars. We lavish vast amounts of time, effort and money on the search. But, despite our best efforts, almost half of us will end up divorcing that same person we worked so hard to find. And then we will begin the search all over again. We are, mad for love".
For men I see as patients there never seems to be a break from the searching. After millions of years of evolution, and "a biological need to seek the next new woman", men I speak to are lamenting the need for mistresses. married or not, they all want more on the side. Some just want variety, some want to play sexually, some aren't getting enough sex, but there is always interest in finding out new and proven ways to meet sex partners. Maybe i'm just getting the guys with too much testosterone, but I don't think so. Men really want to please but so many of them are dogs.
As for finding a partner, you can try the bars if you are a young guy. My own opinion is that women over the age of 25 who hang out in bars regularly likely have a drinking problem. Nice girls, horny girls, and approachable women, are at the gym, in coffee shops, taking wine pairing classes, and are online.
And new research by two Iowa State University sociologists has found that older adults who are turning to their computers to find love — largely because of the time constraints in their busy lives — are making their desired love connections.
"In many cases, there are some real structural forces that encourage the support and use of these technologies," said Cast. "And one of them is just structural constraints on people's time — such as people who have kids, or have full-time jobs, or work long or extensive hours. "But the people who are doing the actual searching may look at it as a way to be incredibly serious about the process. And one of the things we found was that, indeed, their courtship periods are shorter."
That means women are busy, and this study shows that the time it takes to score is remarkably shorter online. Maybe not shorter than the closing time "will you sleep with me?" pitch. But you are far less likely to get your face slapped online.
So what are the best sites?
Certainly www.ashleymadison.com, www.adultfriendfinder.com, and www.lavalife.com are popular. The free sites, (that I call the Giant Tiger or Kmart dating areas) like www.okcupid.com, or www.plentyoffish.com are popular. However you have to wade through a bunch of "fish with issues" before finding the right occasional partner. But they might be great for a "let's get it on" encounter. Finally, www.yahoopersonals.com, www.craigslist.com, and www.kijiji.com are worth checking out. Sure you can also buy a couch, get a ride to a different town, and sell your canoe, but there also may be someone there who is willing to change your oil. It's worth a try.