Jealousy in non-monogamous relationships. How to navigate the world of poly/swing/hot wives & more

I’m in the middle of another non-monogamy course only this one due to the pandemic is virtual. Because it’s online, What’s interesting is that there are attendees logging in from all over North America. There are certainly cultural differences about the acceptance and availability of non-monogamy outlets in different parts of the country. The couple from Utah have a very different time of it than a couple from urban Toronto in terms of social acceptance & options to meet other like-minded people. But what remains the same no matter where you are from is the issue of jealousy in non-monogamous relationships. There is a worry that couples can’t explore any kind of sexual novelty (no matter how mild) without feeling the gut-punch of jealousy.

I have a deck that I’m working on this morning talking about how to work through those feelings. I think it’s important for all couples to have tools to work through one of the most difficult issues that comes up in non-monogamy discussions. I’ve devoted a whole evening in our 12 hour course to jealousy.

If you are starting this journey I’m encouraging you to look at taking the course. I’ll be running another one soon (make sure you sign up on my newsletter or join the Ducklings) but in the meantime for less than $30 you can download the whole course to watch with your partner.

The course talks about the role of communication, boundaries, contracts, meeting other people for play, breakups, conflict & certainly jealousy. It’s also mainly about  authenticity.

It’s about knowing what triggers you, where your pain comes from (often fear of abandonment), and how to navigate those feelings.

If your partner gets jealous here are the steps (loosely borrowed from Kathy Labriola’s jealousy workbook) that might help start the conversation.

Step 1. Shut up and listen. Don’t be defensive. Let them talk.

Step 2. Ask for clarification & specifics on how they are feeling. Are they angry, sad/hurt, or afraid?

Step 3. Allow them to feel the way they feel. If they are feeling it, it’s real for them.

Step 4. Identify your role in the problem. Have you crossed a line? Even if you didn’t know it was there.

Step 5. Ask for the floor & express your side of the story.

Step 6. Think carefully before you rush in & change things. Don’t rush in and say you will give up play or change everything. Jealousy is like any emotion it ebbs & flows.

I also know that this too shall pass. The first time feels like a trigger the size of a dinosaur, but after time, familiarity, communication, and benefits it may only feel like a mosquito.

I do lots of work individually (over zoom or facetime) to help clients figure out what’s going on for them. It’s effective, quick, & inexpensive. We can figure out what’s going on for you. Consider booking an appointment with me to sort it out. We’ve got this.