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Why getting therapy before you start dating might be a good idea.

Post Valentine’s Day when singles peek their noses out of their apartments and are more ready to see their shadows & start dating. What are the things you can do if you decide that the time may be right for you to get out there and meet someone new. One of those things is to finally take any baggage you may be carrying to the curb.

There was a great newsletter from Logan Ury on dating. She talked about how people found potential partners much more attractive if they were seeing a Therapist and working on themselves. You are badass and super sexy for working on those past issues that keep you down.

Here is her list on what you need to do to find a Therapist. Research says that 50% of therapy is making a decision to start doing something about your past issues and finding a therapist you click with.

Have a look below. It’s a great checklist about finding the therapeutic fit.

How to find a therapist

Finding a therapist can feel overwhelming.

Here are a few questions to ask yourself before you begin.

— Do I want to see a therapist virtually or in person?

— Do I want to use my insurance?

— Do I want to see a therapist who looks like me?

— What do I want to work on?

The biggest predictor of success in therapy is the client/therapist relationship. So fit is super important. Here are some initial questions to determine if they’re a good fit (and check out this article for more.)

— Do I feel safe?

— Do I feel a connection?

— Do I enjoy their style?

— Do they tend to give advice/feedback or focus mostly on asking questions?

Feel free to “shop around” before committing to a therapist.

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Is infidelity actually a wake-up call for relationships?

There is a great quote from Esther Perel (the Sex Therapist’s Sex Therapist about infidelity.”Perel takes a very stern line on what she sees as the excessive sense of entitlement that contemporary couples bring to their relationships. Their outsized expectations of what marriage can and should provide—perpetual excitement, comfort, sexual bliss, intellectual stimulus, and so on—together with their callow, “consumerist” approach to romantic choices, leave them ill-equipped to cope with the inevitable frustrations and longueurs of the long haul. They are too quick to look elsewhere the moment that their “needs aren’t being met,” and too ready to despair the moment that the promise of sexual loyalty is broken. Those who show willingness to forgive infidelity risk being chastised by friends and relatives for their lack of gumption. Women, Perel notes, are under particular pressure these days to leave cheating spouses as a mark of their feminist “self-respect.”

I remember hearing her speak in Ottawa at the JCC about needing a more compassionate approach to outside liaisons. I agree with her wholeheartedly. Infidelity is often a wakeup call and a chance to reinvent your relationship. Rather than the “you are bad finger pointing, we need to look at the why’s & how this can be a vehicle for open discussion.

The article in the New Yorker goes on to say this about where people are in the reflections on relationships.

“Surprisingly, perhaps, our increasingly licentious behavior has not been reflected in more tolerant public attitudes toward infidelity. While we’ve become considerably more relaxed about premarital sex, gay sex, and interracial sex, our disapproval of extramarital sex has been largely unaffected by our growing propensity to engage in it. We are eating forbidden apples more hungrily than ever, but we slap ourselves with every bite. According to a 2017 Gallup poll, Americans deplore adultery (which is still illegal in some two dozen states and still included among the crimes of “moral turpitude” that can justify denial of citizenship) at much higher rates than they do abortion, animal testing, or euthanasia.”

So is stepping out something that only a few people do? A recent survey from Ashley Madison (the site for infidelity) based out of Toronto has this to say. I know the Ashley Madison site as they used to sponsor my radio show & I attended a Christmas party & had regular meetings with the CEO at the time. He saw that 35% of people on traditional dating sites were married so he started a site to address those 35%. Whatever your feelings about stepping out on your relationship you are not alone.

“Seventy-nine percent of cheaters are against divorcing their partner, and their main motivations to cheat rather than leave include loving them too much (46%), not wanting to make things hard for their kids (19%), and not being able to financially afford it (17%). In fact, cheaters would feel more selfish (58%) and more guilty (67%) getting a divorce than continuing to cheat.

What best describes how you’d feel if your primary relationship ended?

I would feel like a failure

18%

I would feel like a disappointment

18%

I would feel lonely

17%

 

“At 24, I married my husband, and we have been together for 30 years,” says one female Ashley Madison member. “In terms of sex, I’m more adventurous and have a higher sex drive than my husband. My husband views sex as a service, and I see it as integral to my well-being. I can’t imagine having sex with one person – it simply makes no sense. As a society, we ask too much of one person, so I see cheating as a way to stay married. Ultimately, I’m looking for the cherry on top, not the whole sundae.”

What I see in my practice is the need to stop shoving things under the carpet. As I tell my patients ” I am in the needs business”. What I often talk to clients about is non-monogamy, monogamish, hall passes or anything that might save conventional relationships while meeting needs. I teach a class on this around North America that has given couples the tools & communication skills to step outside of conventional norms. Either alone or together. My Ducklings Social group and Duckling dating has articles that might help.

Find out more or let’s book an appointment to talk about what’s going on in your relationship.

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Men's Group and Scotch tasting. Why you should send your guy (or join) a men's group

I was asked recently to explain why men’s group was worth the money. It’s inexpensive ($25 a week for friendship, support, relevant and real information), friends, and scotch) but the group is always greater than the sum of it’s parts. It’s a safe place to be a guy and get mentored and helped by other men of all ages. Why it’s worth the money is that it can be life changing.
It’s especially good for people who are exploring new aspects of their sexuality or starting to dip a toe in ethical non-monogamy.
Open relationships with guidance, ethical non-monogamy can be wonderful. However, a worst case outcome is that you lose your marriage. Our members have stepped on all kinds of land mines in their journeys. They openly share the pain, the solutions and knowledge that cannot be acquired anywhere else. Combined with friendship and a shoulder to lean on, the group is indispensable. If this is your path, men’s group is the most significant resource that can be purchased.
There are men in the group simply trying to understand women, date, up their social, image and sexual skills and everyone there speaks the language.
It runs regularly but it’s about to start again for eight weeks. Tuesdays (starting Jun 16th, 2020 both in person in Westboro or virtually). Send the $200 either below or by etransfer to bdspratt@gmail.com. It’s run by Blaik Spratt and he’s spectacular. I can’t recommend it enough.


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Sex therapy by skype, facetime or messenger. The perfect solution during a pandemic.

I’ve been using secure video, skype, messenger for years to conduct sessions all over the world. It’s certainly changed my practice and allows me to help clients in places where there aren’t therapists nearby. As I specialize only in sex it also allows for discretion.
And now during the pandemic and complete global lock down it is the only way to see your therapist.
There was a great article this week in the Washington Post about virtual therapy. The psychiatrist author said his clients were doing sessions from their cars or in their bathrooms for privacy.
“Coronavirus is a serious public health problem, and we all need to do our part to curb its spread. Luckily, for an individual, the risk of death from physical symptoms is low. The mental health risks, however, seem to be high. Things are going to be tough, and the same mental health services won’t be available. However, as psychiatrists, we are still here for you. We will find creative solutions, even if it means therapy in your bathtub.”
If you are stuck at home now is the time to clear up the in box you have been too busy to do. One of those things includes dealing with any sexual problem. I’m working with men with premature ejaculation, small penis syndrome, and erectile dysfunction. And couples with non-monogamy and low libido syndrome. And lots of women with orgasm disorders. If you need therapy reach out. You can book now on my online calendar for $125 and I can get you in within the week. Let’s solve the problem right now.

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Why you should try Sex Therapy. And how to pick the right Therapist for you.

I had been asked recently to help find a sex therapist for a couple in another city. It was surprisingly difficult. I’m a sex therapist with lots of colleagues I’ve met over the 25 tears I’ve been in practice and I had trouble finding a counselor who “got it” and was currently taking on new clients. I do Skype and phone therapy all over the world but often clients prefer to see someone face to face. It prompted me to post some suggestions on how you might find a great sex therapist near you.
Positive sex therapy is at the very least effective, warm and offers clear goals on what successful treatment might look like.
Great sex therapy (in my opinion), is less than 10 visits, goal and solution oriented, connected, safe, and encourages you to look at new answers to long-standing problems. Good sex therapy is not lying on a couch talking about your Mother (unless it’s really relevant). It’s having a therapist help you understand the physical, emotional, psychological, relationship, or habit forming challenges that has led to a disconnect between the sheets.
It’s about talking with grace, kindness, warmth and a sense of humour.
The most common reasons people see me for sex therapy:
Dissatisfaction with level of sexual desire. Low libido is the #1 issue.
No longer attracted to partner
Desire to explore the lifestyle, poly, or non-monogamy
Sexual dysfunction including erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation and difficulty reaching orgasm
Mismatch in sexual desire between partners
Questioning sexuality and/or gender identity
Processing sexual assault, trauma, or unwanted sexual touch
Chronic pain that inhibits sex or when sex is painful
Getting back into the groove sexually, or spicing up your intimate life.
The research about success for any kind of therapy breaks down like this.
30% of the success in therapy is simply making the decision to do something about it.
20% is the therapeutic fit. Do you like the therapist’s style and do they hear you?
40% is the therapist’s skill, insight, tools, techniques, and theory that they use to treat you.
10% is a combination of shifts, number of sessions and other nebulous reasons that people want to change.
If you are looking for a therapist there may be some questions that can help.
What is your approach to solving my problem? Can you give me some examples of how you have treated it in the past?
What do you think is a good therapeutic goal?
How many sessions (approx) will it take to treat my issue?
Would you be able to suggest any resources that would give me more info on [my concern]? A therapist who has experience and knowledge in a certain topic should be familiar with and able to provide homework quickly. If they don’t, they aren’t knowledgeable about your area of challenges.
If you are not in the Nation’s Capital and are open to a skype or phone session I would be delighted to take you on as a client. Book an appointment here.