There is a great book that came out last year by Wednesday Martin called Untrue that explored (and blew up with research) the myths of female sexuality. Women only want romance, that they don’t like sex, and are happy with intercourse. As a young woman, I used to feel like a freak because none of the “truisms” about sex ever applied to me. I wanted wild, diverse, creative, passionate sex as often as I could get it.
Untrue outlined how women want sexual adventure far more than men. And how our sexuality is far more elusive and evasive that we knew. And that nobody tells you that keeping things hot and spicy 5, 10, 20 years into a relationship may be one of the hardest parts of staying married for decades.
As a Sex Therapist, I speak to women who don’t want sex. Much of that is physical (menopause, hormones, stress) some is relationships (I don’t like my partner), and much is that I’m so bored with doing the same thing over & over. Or I don’t get off by anything other that masturbating with my toy. Younger women are more likely speak up sexually. But anyone over 40 comes from a generation of women thinking “is it over yet?”
This comment was in the Guardian (one of my favourite newspapers)
“For two years now, I’ve been deceiving my husband. He thinks I still enjoy sex with him – in reality, it bores me stiff and leaves me cold. My husband and I always made time to enjoy adventurous sex. I still love him as deeply as ever. To reject him, or suggest that he does without sex, would feel unspeakably cruel. To fake pleasure seems deceitful, so gradually we’ve shifted to the kind of male-centred sex I put up with in my 20s, which speeds things up. He’s not remarked on this shift and I made sure it happened slowly. Perhaps he has guessed the reason why, although I never let my boredom or irritation show.”
It’s a common theme. And we are struggling to find our voices and ask for what we really need.
Coaching helps you understand, articulate and explore your desires. The choices are to suck it up and live with a dying sex life. Or find a way to live with incredible passion & fulfillment. If it isn’t fun you won’t want to do it. Let me pend 30 minutes with you, send you piles of resources including 75 different things to do in bed, access to the toy testing council and inexpensive sex toys, & options to join virtual discussions on making sex hot. Let’s talk about it.
People come to see a Sex Therapist when something doesn’t work well between the sheets. Or if there is something they want to try but don’t know how to get started. The fantasy about two women
“In the new book by sociologist Dr Ryan Scoats of Birmingham City University reveals the reasons why people choose to have threesomes, the factors that make it more likely for threesomes to happen, and how this sexual behaviour reflects today’s society.
The book, titled Understanding Threesomes: Gender, Sex, and Consensual Non-Monogamy, is the first in-depth study into threesomes in over 30 years. It examines the many motivations behind having a threesome, from ticking it off a ‘bucket list’ and exploring sexuality to settling psychological ‘debts’ and as a means of realising sex with a particular person who may be otherwise unavailable.
The research showed that women more often than men engage in threesomes as a ‘safe’ way to explore their sexuality, in part because it was deemed ‘safer’ than simply approaching other women.
However, some participants, particularly bisexual women, reported actively avoiding threesomes in which a heterosexual couple was exploring their sexuality, rejecting the suggestion that their involvement should be to fulfil a heterosexual couple’s desires.
Others explained that engaging in threesomes helped couples to settle psychological ‘debts’, for example, one participant reported cheating on her husband and engaging in a threesome. She later repeated the threesome with her husband, to settle the ‘debt’ of infidelity.
Similarly, for heterosexual couples where the woman had engaged in a threesome with another woman and her male partner, male participants reported offering to ‘return the favour’ by having a threesome involving the heterosexual couple and another man.
Others reported ‘sexual altruism’ saying that they engaged in threesomes to please their partners and satisfy and particular sexual fantasy or desire, despite not directly gaining pleasure from the experience themselves.
Scoats concluded that threesomes may be becoming more common as societal expectations of sex and monogamy become more liberal. He explained: “This is the first in-depth research into threesomes since 1988, it is an under-researched area.
“As society becomes more liberal, more open to different sexual behaviours and relationships, the stigma around threesomes is gradually reducing, although many may not feel they can openly discuss their threesome experiences.”
I’ve written a book on non-monogamy called The Suburban Hedonist. I teach a course on Ethical non-monogamy and I am a leading therapist on the subject. If you are hitting landmine’s then let’s talk. I can get you in this week. I also run a supportive date night group with a non-monogamy dating component. Read more
Low desire in one partner is probably one of the top reasons why individuals and couples alike seek out sex therapy. People from all walks of life occasionally struggle to re-kindle low or missing sexual desire or libido.Help is on the way!Starting Monday July 22nd, 2019 renowned Clinical Sex and Relationship Therapist, Sue McGarvie, will be facilitating the ‘Libido & Desire Workshop’. This 4-week program offers participants the latest information on how to improve sexual desire physically, emotionally, psychologically and increase intimacy within relationships.
Are you spending too much time wondering where your libido has gone?Are your relationships devoid of intimacy? Do you find yourself reminiscing about the last time when you were easily sexually aroused?Do you find yourself or your partner challenged by different levels of sexual interest?If you’ve answered, “Yes” to any of the above questions, this workshop has been designed with you in mind.This event is open to both Individuals and couples. Low libido or decreased sexual desire is still the #1 thing seen by Sex Therapists in North America. In my office low desire certainly tops the list if issues. It’s followed by male sexual anxiety (with ED and PE), non-monogamy/infidelity and orgasm issues. Coming up with specific treatments for improving desire are as individual as the clients themselves. Improving libido can often feel like a measurement of millimeters.
Find that loving feeling. With the aim of focusing on solutions, I am running a Desire and Libido 4 week workshop for couples and singles in Ottawa starting July 22nd.. It’s a pragmatic based approach with current research, humour, discretion, and concrete actions for re-kindling desire. It’s limited enrollment and is fully covered by workplace insurance benefits. Limited enrollment and I am starting to take pull together the group. Please send an email (sue at sex with sue .com) or sign up through the contact page.There is limited enrollment for this program, so register now! Four Monday’s from 7 to 9 pm Starting July 22nd, 2019
Cost is $200 for the four week course. Everyone is welcome. It’s at 81 Pooler Ave.
Send an etransfer to email@example.com
Did you know that there is a season for sex? It turns out it’s fall when moose, sheep and apparently people go into mating season and start to rut. There is a Newfie poem with the phrase “when the frost is on the pumpkin now that’s the time for dinky dunking”. It’s not particularly eloquent but it sums up the human reproductive trends.
According to Psychology Today, fertility peaks between 40-60 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s definitely fall weather.
“Human physiology indicates that we are also seasonal breeders. To be more specific, sex hormones, including testosterone, peak in the fall and are at their lowest in the summer. Early researchers made the mistake of focusing mainly on men who have a comparatively weak annual cycle. Women emerge as having a more pronounced increase in testosterone production in the fall that is double their lowest level in the summer (2). This suggests that both sexes would have a higher sex drive in the fall. This is particularly true of women, for whom testosterone is used to boost libido, whereas male testosterone has a less reliable effect on sex drive. Similarly, temperatures lingering mostly between 50 and 70 degrees Fahrenheit are optimal for fertilization, and that corresponds to the cooler fall weather in seasonal countries. One way of interpreting the seasonal effects on human fertility is in terms of the suppression of fertilization when it is very hot (in midsummer) or when it is very cold (in winter).”
That means women are much hornier in the fall. It also means you are more likely to conceive this time of year.
So what can you do to take advantage of the increased sexiness and get women more horizontal?
1. Encourage your partner to wear your jacket or dress shirt. I know we often stretch out the sleeves, but putting pheromones and your masculine scent all over her will make her ovaries start to twitch.
2. Take her costume shopping. Any Halloween store this month is a perfect date night place. They have skanky outfits and it’s the one time of year when you are celebrated for wearing them. They have lots of hunky superhero and viking costumes. And I don’t know any woman who hasn’t fantasized about Robert Downey Jr. as Ironman.
3. Try the corn maze hand in hand. It’s on my bucket list to get lost in one and do naughty things.
4. Find a haunted house. Anything that gets your adrenaline up bonds you as a couple. She will hang onto you.
5. Bonfires and snuggling up around them. They are especially good with one of those pumpkin lattes.
6. Giant leaf piles. When was the last time you rolled in one?
7. We just did one of the local dive through parks where you feed the wildlife carrots from your car. The animals were incredibly active compared to a summer visit. And it’s mating season there too and you might see a reproduction nature documentary in real life.
8. Wine tasting. The harvest is in and the wine is flowing. Our favourite local winemaker (Bluegypsywinery.com) has a chocolate caramel mead (a honey wine) that is called “sex in a glass” and is the best panti-remover around.
9. Get one of those new weighted blankets and snuggle under it. It feels like you are being hugged the entire time you are touching. Makes for great foreplay.
10. Hayrides. We just went on a haunted hayride followed by a bonfire with warm cider. That’s a dating Yatzee. Feel free to beat it.
The desire to get naked, horizontal and sweaty with our partners (potential partner or just a hand and some time alone) should be something that happens at regular intervals for everyone. Sex is the third most common physical need behind the need to eat and survive, and the need to connect and have a clan. You may not have the desire just after you have run a marathon or have the flu, but for most couples sexual desire and activity bubbles up in our bodies at least once a week.
If you are not feeling the urge to jump your sweetie, and are failing to feel the urge to be physically close it might be time to have a look at what’s going on. If you have a low desire for sex, especially if your relationship is strong and loving you might be suffering from low libido syndrome. I see lots of people who remember the sexy person they used to be. And their partners certainly remember that they used to be interested.
Low sex drive is a common problem and by far the most frequent issue I see as a sex therapist. It can get worse as we age. For women, there is an expression “that libido is never improved with menopause”. Oprah speaks often about low libido on her channel and mentions that “diminished libido impacts close to 30% of the North American population”. We understand that with female cycles, low libido is a significant female problem. The truth is that low libido impacts both genders. Many people have this belief that men want sex all the time. Although I speak to many men who could happily have sex every day, I also see guys who have lost that loving feeling.
Low sex drive or low Libido is present in a lot of men, but very few admit it. In my practice, I see 80% women and 20% men. But I do see a lot of men. This is because they have the opinion that it is not a male issue and that they should be all over the partners daily. Their sexual prowess and virility is directly linked to their confidence as a man. Low Libido in men takes place due to a number of reasons and causes. Some of them are listed below.
Depression is a major psychological issue that can reduce your sex drive, especially if you are on the SSRI anti-depressants. Doctors may not tell you that there are often huge side effects with anxiety and depression medications. Anti-depressants also affect your ability to reach orgasm. The other issue is that depression leads to not feeling great about yourself and the biochemistry of serotonin and dopamine imbalances can leave you in a serious funk. You don’t feel like doing much, including having sex. There also might be something that has happened that is taking up tons of brain space. Work stress is a common cause. I see men with big jobs who find their interest in sex goes down when their work stress goes up. It’s why holiday sex happens more easily and is generally more erotic.
The truth is that you cannot attain the needed level of sexual attraction when your mind is stuck up with other issues.
• Alcohol and Drug Usage
All kinds of addictive substances increase the chances of low libido. Men who have been regular drinkers or drug users are rarely able to provide the needed level of satisfaction to their female partners. Smoking (especially the ones grown under grow lamps and rolled) has a serious negative impact on libido and erections. The warning on the cigarette package that smoking makes you limp is not a myth. If you are smoking dope stopping is a great first step. Get some milk thistle at the health food store and detoxify your liver. Have no more than 7 drinks a week and start thinking about abundant health.
• The low testosterone factor
Low Libido has been linked to the deficiency of testosterone. A number of diseases cause the deficiency of testosterone in the human body, including high blood pressure, cholesterol, obesity and excess of weight, diabetes and a lot of other health problems as well. According to medical research, there is a direct proportionality relationship between diabetes and low testosterone. People who have diabetes are more likely to develop the low testosterone issue. Similarly, people who have low testosterone are more likely to have diabetes in the future stages of their life. Sometimes low testosterone is caused by injury. I’ve seen a number of men who have had a hockey puck to their groin or a soccer ball in the testicles and who have then experienced diminished sex drive and low testosterone. Sometimes when you do blood work there are some men who have low testosterone and have no known reason. But they get what I call “the grumpy old man syndrome”. These guys are quickly turning into their fathers and grandfathers and lose their interest in sex, sports and become couch potatoes. If men are putting on belly fat, fall asleep after dinner and aren’t having the ambition they used to it’s time for a blood test to check the levels of testosterone and free testosterone. Adding testosterone (the best kind looks like hand sanitizer you simply apply to your forearms) can turn these problems around within a month.
• Low Libido can be a relationship issue
When I see men in my office who aren’t interested in sex with their partners I offer up a checklist to determine what might be the reason. Besides the physical issues such as low testosterone, men might be getting their sexual needs met elsewhere (too much porn or visiting the massage parlors etc.) or they might simply not be into their partners. Men think they should be interested in sex no matter what. I believe that men are as emotionally sensitive if not more so than women. If your partner has disappointed you, or you are fighting, then you simply might not be interested in being intimate. And although it might be hard to admit, there might be an attraction issue. As the sex therapist Esther Perel says, “fire needs air”. If you are busy raising kids together and feel like “friends that co-parent” you might need a little mystery put back into the relationship. Read my blog on date nights and spend some time doing the things you did when you first fell in love. The flames of intimacy needs fanning and attention sometimes. Spend some fun, sexy, and intimate alone time with your partner and see what comes up.
• Low Libido has physical as well as psychological reasons
Low libido can be due to physical reasons, psychological reasons or a combination of both as well. As an individual, you need to discover the reasons why you are experiencing a low sex drive. For instance, if you are facing this problem due to psychological reasons like depression, you need to consult a psychologist or a psychiatrist. However, if you do not have any psychological issues and you are suffering from a decreased desire have a look at some other factors including relationship problems, pornography usage, and food choices. If you are facing low sex drive, burying your head in the sand doesn’t help. What I do know about low libido is that it doesn’t magically get better. You may need help to drill down to the actual causes of the problem. By getting proper treatment, you can get that strong love back again. Consider an initial appointment either in person or by skype or phone. Usually I can diagnose the issue quickly and it often can be treated in one or two quick sessions. Send me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org and we can tackle this issue in the next 48 hours. I care, and low libido is my specialty.
related topics: www.sexwithsue.com, www.solveprematureejaculation.net, www.schoolofsquirting.com, www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20081029/sex_survey_081029/20081029?hub=TopStories
So despite living in a world where there are sexual images and ideas (including mine) bombarding you constantly, we seem to be keeping up the same level of sexual activity we've been doing for the last 20 years. I don't know about you, but I actually schedule sex into my day. Whether it be with myself (insert vibrator sound here- smile) or preferably with my dexterous partner, making whoopie is an absolute priority. According to those fun surveys about our sex lives that have started with the Kinsey report in the 50's, we are spendingroughly the same amount of time doing "it". Although I am mathematically challenged, we could seriously change the numbers if EVERYONE took the extra hour we are given today with the end of daylight savings time to get wiggly with the one we love, then we might make a blip on those boringly predictable sex stats we sex therapists keep getting in our inboxes. Take an hour today and reach out to your partner. Or split the difference. Do it for 30 minutes, and then take a 30 minute nap. A reasonable prescription from your sex therapist.